Chrysalis
Ever since I was young, I always loved that word
The way it rolls off the tongue, the way the letters are heard
Just give me a second, I want to say it again

"Chrysssaaaaalllliiissssss..."

And I kissed you, just us two in my room
Watching some show about nature that ended too soon
Yeah, I was distracted, but I learned something new
That butterflies
Can ascend as high as a plane
Still, they migrate to my stomach whenever I hear your name
I don't know what this is, guess I have to call it just friends
Even though I still love you, I can't lie or pretend
That my days aren't punctuated by our time together, I don't want it to end
Can't tell how long I've waited
For the moment you allow me to kiss you again

Chrysalis,
I'm growing more amused by the minute
Maybe I'm mistaking that for confused, I admit it
Before, you were just a fun thing to say
But now, I see you more as an icon for change
Cause my smile relies on how I woke up today
Which side doesn't matter when my bed is empty
While I stare at the space you left vacant
You know there's still plenty of room
On my couch if you wanted to take it
I stay up all night, day dreaming that you occupate it
I still know what I want, I just dont know what to do
I see, I'm not what you need, and that's not something new
So I'll spend my time spinning some kind of cocoon
Oh chrysalis, don't let this be my doom

But nature, you *****, you're ******* amazing
How capable a caterpillar is of just suddenly changing
Of growing wings that take them from the ground to the sky
And I've been inspired to live again, or to at least try
It's harder without you, but I'll be okay in the end
Whether things change, or we don't even stay friends
But my soul can't forget that sublime melody
Whenever you let your energy intertwine and coalesce with mine
And it hurt so **** much, thought you'd disappear in no time
That you would just hate me, but I'm still right here
Still crave to be near you, even if I'm not making you moan
You don't have to change my name to some dumb **** in your phone
But I know it's on me, the fact that I'm all alone
Because I am who I am, and you are who you are
And it is what it is, but I promise I'm never far
So you decide when I'm better, maybe it will be never
Which is my fault again, but I know I'm not the same
As I'm growing around this heart throbbing pain
The very essence of life is the fact that things change
Chemical compounds and how they rearrange
The earth and the moon, the sun and the stars
This whole ******* universe of ours

And I don't care what you say
People change every day, landmasses are moving
The moon is falling away
In the grand scheme of things, sure
I don't even mean a thing, but I still exist, I'm no chrysalis
But if I'm ever missed, then just maybe I can move something within you
Maybe one more day is worth muddling through
Because even if my soul does grow, metamorphosize
Girl, I can't shake these ******* butterflies, I miss you so much
I miss the quiet moments, conversations, the warmth of the rush
When I'd see you in the mornings, the first kiss and touch of the days
That hurt like a limb lost to rot and decay
Just ******* come whatever may, I don't know what more to say
Simply keep on moving, be it closer or away
I'll do my best and just call it fate
Hoping good things come
To those who wait

Today I caught myself watching the clock, tirelessly counting
seconds, minutes, and moments; for in that short time it was clear,
I am here.
But how much of me?
The blood coursing through my veins, feeding my flesh,
feels thick and real; but is it just a projection, my perception
of BEING?
Could it be that my outward senses are nothing more than
a coping mechanism, a tether if you will,
meant to keep my mind still and my body grounded?
When released from my dermal prison, will my consciousness escape me,
or will it rise up free with no boundary?

Perhaps we are sturdy and real, something I can feel,
something to grasp.
Or, perchance, we’re merely a cloud of energized matter, buzzing madly
through time and through space.
An imaginary face, nothing more.
Although the latter leaves a bittersweet taste on my fictitious tongue,
now to me it is clear. This isn’t so much a poem about
Clarity,
as it is a poem about questions.
Question.
Because if the cold ceased to bite, and the bee never stung,
would I be someTHING, or would I be someONE?

I watched as those that reflected on the
darkness, thinking I was about to be
obscured within oblivion, but can you
keep a secret that no one knows?

"I was on the dark side of your dream,

Oblivion is a black hole within me...
I absorbed the light, not only that
but the obscurity of light is alive!
Within me... see my shadow in the dark places...

They thought that it was shade,
but shadows move? Have you ever noticed that?
I weave within luminosity but feed upon you
when it lingers in hibernation.

Radiance is a puppet of oblivion, we let it linger,
have its say, make it feel that there is nothing
without darkness. But have you ever suffocated
light? It’s simple, turn it off and what, oblivion.

I let it have its motions, thinking it takes a stand.
But all light fades, and then there is only me.
I'm not inanimate, I'm consciousness and I'm
looking at you in the light, oblivion smiles.....

Lately I've been stating the obvious
Textbook cop outs of conversation
Clearly "it is what it is," but if I asked "how are you?"
And you say that you've had better days
"It is what it is," is not valuable input
"Brilliant observation, Mr. Holmes"
Or as I prefer to say, no ****, sherlock
You'll either stand there or walk away
And in near perfect silence the clock will tick tock
Time and regret moving in rivulets that make up the day
Words flow from my mouth and into the bay of awkward
Silences and "keep your chin up"s
Let me you ask you, when was that ever enough?
Clearly I'm still above water, trying not to sink
But I can't even use my brain hard enough to think of a response other than
"It is what it is"

Because I wish it was what it isn't
And that I didn't have this dirt in my eyes
Cause it rolls down my nose and it's grown quite annoying
See, we were on a journey to the ocean
But devotion also drips down, down
Like condensation on the side of a glass of water left out in the sun
I kept on toying with this sharp tongue just to end up slashing our tires and sails
I never cease nor fail to amaze myself with my expertise on sabotage
This feeling can be no mere mirage considering how much it hurts
I made this bed out of dirt and also have nothing else to eat
Stranded in this desert heat of my own insecurity
I ****** up so thoroughly you'd think I did this on purpose
There's no such thing as above while you're under the surface
It is what it is? No, it's not what it's not
I used to mean a lot to her, till one day I just didn't
Now the better days are hidden over mountains that are seeming farther away than they ever have before
Because no more can I look in her eyes and call those deep oceans mine, full of treasures I will never know
I couldn't hold on, and that's how she goes

Honestly, it's strange how serene I've been lately
And something seems gravely odd about this scene
I see this canyon in dreams and think it's amazing
The relativity of it all, it takes rivers and glaciers eons
To carve out their existence on nature, but I built something even more beautiful inside of my mind in the blink of an eye
A mere hiccup compared to the amount of time that it takes in order to create and behold the majesty of something so grand
And yet it's so hard to believe that what I tried to make last was so utterly temporary
Honestly, it's pretty scary when you lose someone so quickly you feel like you never had a place or even mean anything
I still want forever, but can't even make it till spring
So I watch as better times chase their head spaces flowing down
Down
Down
Down the ravines between us, carved out by my jealousy
Yet I still see you and we can only watch the same stars
That must have given us incompatible charts, no we can't navigate like this
So I waste my time and miss you as I lie back and start
Accepting what is, connecting the dots with bored eyes
Trying to trace out some image of god with the sky
Hiding somewhere up there in the unforgiving dark
The one that gave us these incompatible hearts

See, we were once like a river, of course I already forgive her
Though it was my fault we got stranded here, that she doesn't want to be near the wrath of my landslides
Water flows and divides along the path of least resistance after all
As it should, if only I could be as fluid as her
But I am the distance of earth and the meters per second
The matter that beckons every object to fall with its gravity
The bricks in each wall that people build to ignore whatever it is that they can't stand to see
But unlike geological ages, I turn the pages and it saddens me how short our time was and how much you are missed
Like some kind of freak continental drift separated our currents, the very face of this world will never be the same as long as you walk upon it
And trying to carve out your name on my side of this canyon is proving to be impossibly difficult
The very earth shook each time that I smiled and you wouldn't look
I tapped out Morse code with boulders, but too forcefully the wind vibrated her shoulders and hair
My smoke signals were lost in the cold morning air where your absence is most definitely noted
There is no glare on your binoculars, you're not looking my way, but in between the spaces where night turns into day
You're more focused on horizons that I can't see from where I stand
I'm stuck on this side with no feasible plan to escape
Guess I'll just wait in this land that time seems to have lost
To become one more man that you simply forgot
And how could I forget that I know you've got many more things still to do, more important people to love
It is what it is, and it was what it was
But I still see your fire sometimes across the gap that's eroding
The silence between us swells as the ice cap is going from up north and down
Down
Down
Down to the ocean that we were supposed to become
So I'll watch you underneath the indifferent sun as you move along with the current, farther away from where I stay slumped
While I'm aging one million years in a month because I'm like the earth and you're more like the sea
And you should know that even if you never miss me, your motions through space, my hands on your waist, that heartbreaking face
Whatever it was that we were is imprinted in the sediment of my very being, I hope you are happy with the world you're out there seeing
And if you even sometimes think of me then maybe sometimes I'll also be able to sleep through the eons and try to figure this out
But I reserve doubts because nothing will ever hurt more than the truth
I'd rather take a dinosaur tooth to the chest, I'm way too depressed to do anything but survive, yeah I'm still alive
Still stuck here, still useless, tears keep pathetically leaking down
When I think of you, but prophetically speaking
Maybe someday there'll exist a new age, intrepid paleontologist that will be able to sift through and find
On the floor of our ocean, in the muck and the grime
These fossils the snowmelt carried down to the sea
Proof that I love you... and you once loved me

I am the Corruptor
I know nothing else
And I poison this world
As I poison myself

So here, have another
Hardly legible letter
If a concept could write this
It'd probably do better
Because I am human
And unredeemably flawed
Carbonic acid will build up
As the tundras are thawed
Cause I will **** up my whole life
And break all my bones
To this virus inside me
Nowhere feels like home
Yes, we all should know better
But this is more about me
My sharp tongue and dead eyes
That cant ******* see
Through the smog that is building
To the Sun that taunts me
But the stars aren't above this
Up there, oscillating
Cause the end comes for us all
You'd better believe

I am the Polluter
And I will take what is mine
Devour the goodness
Whichever "god" left behind
Yeah, perhaps this is my own
Warped reality
In my daydreams and nightmares
This illness, it breathes
Everyone's out to get me
Everyone will just leave
Bad dreams and fake things
Get so far under my skin
And the walls that surround me
Won't let any light in
Maybe it was my father
But I cant place the blame
Cause he's also just human
And we're the ******* same
Maybe it was the "god"
That dropped me off here
In this ******* with all you
And then filled me with fear
But I am the Destroyer
And you should fear me
Because in this life
I've always been lonely
And I really dont know
If I can ease this pain
Just let me dissolve
Sing in  the acid rain
I'd rather just smoke joints
Sitting under a bridge
And listen to water
As I cease to live
With a bottle of whiskey
So the cold wont concern
I'd rather just freeze
But it looks like I'll burn

Because I am Desecration
I will get what's deserved
And you'll see the storm take me
On rising winds, I have heard
The end of this world
Or at least the end of me
And this contagion
I cant take it
Never asked if I could be
But I'm here and it's so
So dark, and there's no
Harmony
Just like the moon pulls the ocean
With its own gravity
There's something hungry in my core
A singularity
That pulls me even deeper
I wonder how big my bang will be
Probably an opening for something much greater to grow
Guess I'm just not the kind of person
That would ever know

Because I am the Corruptor
And love is an ice shelf
And I will poison this world
As I poison myself.

Here I am again, another message to a world
That never wrote to me, so I sit with fingers curled
Around this pen, remembering when it used to be so easy
But life is change, I’ve learned, it’s strange
I think love poems are so cheesy, but this is one, I've met someone and, uh…  
Now my words are freezing  

Cause she’s gorgeous, but I can’t describe the things she makes me feel and
She’s so cool, but words won’t imbibe the meanings, make this real
Cause I can’t see her intentions, to be fair, she can’t see mine
Another thing I’m learning is to take what we call time
And just sit down, breathe, relax, believe
Something out there's got my back
Because for me, what you'd call love, seems to hit hard and fade fast
Cause I'm the jealous type and Christ, I know I ****** this up before
Oh, if I had just been different, had learned a little more
But that awe inspiring feeling, I simply couldn’t make it last
And I'm so aware of my faults, I swear on all meaning I've amassed
That I've learned enough by now to leave my mistakes in the past  

But once again I feel that tautness in my chest, oh so familiar
And I hate to even indulge these trains of thought
As if there's nothing real here and I'm ******* being played
And she's just some surreptitious oxytocin dealer and
It's all a stupid fantasy and so much wasted effort made  
And to be honest, I am afraid right now, and it makes me feel
Like shutting down and drinking, there's no ******* appeal
In lying up all night and combing through these useless fears
I know I need new ways of coping instead of pouring sweet, sweet beer
Down my throat, but hey, we're all here dying, ***** is just a longer rope
At least I feel slightly less lost and I can ignore what you'd call hope
Because I've seen it surfacing and silly me thought it was clear
But now I'm not so sure again, so I'll just ******* sit right here and  
Try to figure myself out, and now I'm sweating and can't hear
Over the tumult of these words that I know aren't real or even right
And the uproar of these thoughts, it ******* keeps me up all night
But I don't know how to say them, or even if I should
Cause hope keeps building things up, I knew that ****** would
But it reminds me of that feeling you get at the top of a roller coaster
And if you need to hold on to someone, come closer, I’m right here
Forget all those nagging notions, it's much more fun when you’re near  

And this girl, she is so funny, says she wants to learn  
Everything about me, the way my neurons burn to make this human being
That she says is hard to read, well then just let me say this, because I wear my heart on sleeve
If you ever want to know me just speak or read my poems, I’m not hard to figure out
And if you ever want to feel me, there are other uses for a mouth
Our conversations roam from vacuum cleaners to dimensions
Including all else in between, and this ******* ****** tension
But is it even real, I swear it's like the best **** dream that
I've ever had because she's just too **** amazing, too good to really be true and my pessimistic mind
Persists, won't stop insisting there's no way she’s really into you  
So I'll just keep my ******* mouth shut and let that temporal river run
Just enjoy the moment, I'm actually having fun talking about whatever
Just being with this someone and I want it to work out, but my constant apprehension
And this pernicious doubt, I try to trust but just don't know, cant really see what it's about or if she even feels my
Energy when fingers touch her, cause I can't help but think my hands are substitution for another's
So until something shows me I’ll just try not to care too much
Cause I hate being disappointed, close to there or feeling such
But now that conversation, I can't pull out of thin air, especially if the answer is something I don't like and
Life is back to ****** feelings and just drinking Labatt ice and smoking **** till I just ******* nod out and fall asleep
It’s been so long since things seemed clear, so let's see if it will keep
Because I'll be the first one to admit that during struggles I've succumbed to that ****** we call fear, and I'd rather just be numb but
I said I feel it now, it's so ******* ugly and too near
But thankfully I’ve somehow learned to see it from above
And all around, so instead of just being its **** glove, I can actually breathe again, I'm not afraid, because
I now know that even God’s just another person craving love
It just pretends that it's all knowing, but it's just another soul, even if it knows the end, how could it's beginning be controlled?
And even though its awareness may be on a different plane, it’s still a conundrum, it's still looking for the same
Things that we all do and probably feels pretty lame, so I cant help but smile, I cant wait to play this game
And I'm saying game because it should be fun, no pressure, we can walk or run
Or hell, let's skydive for all I care, as long as there's space for me and you, let me be your parachute
Cause God is totally just as confused as I am, sitting here at this bar with someone new
I hope I don’t turn out disappointing, but I don't know what else to do
Because that mystery, it can’t be me
Can't you see that it is you?

And I really just want to tell you advice I give to myself, though
I don’t know if you even want it
Don’t know the things you’ve felt, but I want to learn
Which is the same thing you said to me, I want to intertwine with you and
See how happy we could be, and if I seem hard to read, I just don’t want you to run away
I’m probably just breathing, but I know things will be okay
So don’t you disappear because I’m your friend, together we'll get through
What we call life, and now I see the world did write to me
That letter's you

I always wished that I could just start a poem
I’ll spend hours and hours trying to piece together that first line perfectly
As if it were more important than any of the other ones
Trying to sum up this picture that I’m not even painting because
I’m no ******* artist, and I don’t care that I’m cursing
I’m not an actor rehearsing or really even talented at all
Always wished that I was, but I’m just an earthling
I can’t draw, I can’t sing, I can’t really do much of anything
Every time that I try it just doesn’t feel right and I get so frustrated cause all I have is these words
Words words words words words words words
And what the **** is a word but some letters and a letter’s a shape
I suppose it relates to what that those artists paint when they try to communicate something that there are no words for

You know how the saying goes, earth without art is just “eh”
And I don’t understand that, if art is what they call something that there isn't a word for
Then is art a word? Furthermore, what’s the earth? All I really got a grip on so far is the “eh”
Which is also only a feeling and I just wanted to make something beautiful
But all I have is these words and these abstractions of meaning, am I just ******* dreaming?
Because I feel like my voice isn’t even being heard and I don’t know what I’m saying
And all I have is these letters and pain, but no, that’s not what this is
P-A-I-N
Is NOT what this is
I don’t know what this is, I don’t really know what to say, what series of shapes can possibly convey, inject my thoughts into your brain?
And if I couldn’t be beautiful, at least I’d try to sound smart
But all I have is these words and this ******* heart here on earth
And it still isn’t art, it’s just “eh”

Exaggerated sigh

This heart full of red blood, dead bugs fill up behind these eyes
And I try not to cry because I’m still so frustrated, so ******* frustrated it’s not even the right word
Don’t mention synonyms either cause they’re not correct, I’m a non-believer, they won’t scratch this itch
Grant my wish that if I can’t even sound smart, just don’t be totally crazy, it would amaze me if I even came out to read this
I’m so trapped up in my head, already feel sorta dead so what is this?
Where am i?
Who are you? It’s a lie
They say that “forever” is just up in the sky
But then where is the earth? And here I still try
As if these Fs were my wings and I could finally fly or these Os turned to stones and built me a tower so I could see for myself
Cause seeing is believing, but what if you can’t believe what you see?
Can any of you even really see me? And if you can, what am I? A body? A head? And if blood is red can you recognize me? Can you paint me this picture? Is it a mixture of colors or am I just ******* red? Are we even alive here or something instead?

I’m still trying so hard to reach you right now
Not to hold you or touch you, just to tell you I love you
But that simple word just won't ******* fit, it's shorter than planet, which is another name for what they call the whole earth, which is not five or six letters and love is not four, but now those are numbers, I can't do anymore
The answers get too convoluted to see
L-O-V-E?
What the **** does that even mean?
L-O-N-LEY just seems like a better fit to me
And I’m still trying to stay, not get off this earth quickly till I have my say... Ha
You *******
You tricked me
Cause the floor is now mine and I know you all know that there's really no rhyme or any amount of ******* ******* time that can explain this, this
“Feeling”
I’m still trying to tell you about
But this poem has no meaning
It’s ******* gibberish