I experienced something yesterday, I wouldn't call it heartbreak. But if I were to call it heartbreak, I would have been breaking my own heart. I feel like I'm picking up feelings I dropped yesterday, right now. Everything made my eyes want to drip salty tears, and my face wanted to crinkle in sadness. It's only been 3 days, and I know it isn't time. But today, I was scared to ask my mother if it was okay to want to get back together with him. I never realized how much I can rely on the people here in my home. The people that wake me up in the morning. I have never had tears brimming my eyes for days at a time, it was a newer experience. One that I needed. I know life is only preparing me now for what is to come. I've had it pretty easy all my life, it only gets harder from here. And I, ha, I only get stronger.

We're all dying someday
and I'm done hoping it's my day every time I wake up
My sadness is not my life
I'm not living it
I'm feeling it
I'm leaving it behind, once I die
Along my anger, which I'm smashing into the ground
I will die someday
and the day I die will not be my last day
I will linger in your hearts

          I hope

My mother once said that the scars we give trees are permanent just like the ones we have ourselves. This was after they found out I was harming myself. This is five years ago.
My mother cried, my father did too.
It was one of the only times I've seen him cry.
My mother had told my father, probably the night she saw the marks on my wrist.
We all sat in my room after my father got home from the trip he was on.
They asked me why, but I didn't know, and gave them some lies.
They heard it as what they wanted to: Truth.
Days later they found a note for after I was dead in a blue notebook, that I still have.
How foolish I was to leave it out.
You can imagine that went over well.
They asked, crying "It's just one of your stories, right?"
I told them the word they wanted to hear.
I can't remember much, and we never talk about that time now.

But four years from that time the problem arose again.
They haven't seen my marks, they are on my hips.
Hidden by the cotton of my underwear, how clever am I?
Not very.
But I am slowly fighting this off, and solving a problem that couldn't be solved the first time.
I'm glad I've a second chance now.
I'll remember what my mother once said, and listen to her more.

I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I offer my sincere condolences.
I apologize.

The cuts are red as she goes to bed and when she woke they were all healed up.
But sadly her insides are as black as they were before she slept.
And her skin as white as a ghost's, she is almost invisible to herself.
She smiles and laughs as if it's okay, but she's worse everyday.
Each and everyday harder than the last, but "it's okay" she says.
"Nothing."
"I'm fine."
I'm falling apart Is what she thinks as the tears are shed.

Stop hiding from yourself.
Stop lying to yourself.
Your insecurities shouldn't be ignored.
And your strengths shouldn't be flaunted nor ignored.
Stop telling yourself you can't, stop telling other people too.
Stop forcing yourself.

I'll show myself my whole self.
I'll end my constant "I'll do it later." or "Eventually." phrases.
I will know and learn from the insecurities, and always try to get better.
My strengths are not to be thrown in anyone's face, and not to fill my head to the bursting.
I can and will, and so can you.
And hopefully time will not force me either

Old cuts old scars, say goodbye
Old cuts, and old scars. Say goodbye to old cuts and old scars.
Lined up on my hips are red lines, I'm gonna tell them goodbye.
Don't be disappointed when I give in to temptation, because that dripping red and the sting of the blade is my sweet melody relief.
It's my addiction, my bitter paradise.
A compromise in my mind, I'll do this and eliminate my dis-divine.
I can't stop and I can't go on, my only choice is the blade slicing through my skin and the secret of it.
Am I going to say goodbye? Should I?
Yes, I should. I'm trying to let the sin flow from my veins in red from blue.
This pain dissipates and joins the earth in a revive of life.
Saying goodbye to old cuts, and healing with new scars.

Different shades of red thoughts haunt my waking motions. Different shades of red thoughts make me feel like I have nothing left. Different shades of red thoughts are covered in all the blood that I have bled. You never want to see these thoughts, you never want to see all the things that have made me bleed.

I'm happier now, I used be really sad.
I used to only write sad things, but now it triggers me when others are depressed like me.
To hear the pain a young women silently endures.
I want to tell everyone it takes time and all the things that helped me but it never seems to stick with them.
It wasn't all at once, it was day by day, one at a time.
Sometimes we aren't ready for help, pain is comfortable and all you know.
You gotta get to rock bottom before you are ready to grow.

I left you 40 minutes ago and my heart is longing.
Oh my gosh, I am scared.
Feeling like this is bound to get me hurt.
I feel like I'm falling and falling
I don't want to admit this to myself.
I don't even want to talk about.
I have a longing in my chest, warmth in my stomach, and a smile on my face.
But oh, ****
Is it going to hurt when I hit the ground.

I've always thought that I hated people, I was mad at the world.
I hated it all and everyone was ugly to me.
Today I had a thought. I realized that I fall in love with certain things about everyday people.

I fall in love with the scrawled writing of the person sitting next to me in Spanish.
I fell in love with the hands of a boy who sat in front of me on the bus.
I fell in love with the pretty cheekbones of a girl with short hair, and a stubborn attitude.

I noticed these things no one else did, like the raindrops in a brunettes hair or the way someone talked as if they never got to before.  

Maybe I am not as cold as I thought.
And maybe some people aren't so bad.
Maybe there is something good to be seen in us all.
                                                              
 ­                               


                               ­                                 It's just not always seen first.

But at least I try.
I know about people more than one might expect.
I understand people, maybe because I understand myself.
I'm honest with myself about how I feel.
I feel like I'm not as strange as I once thought.
Other people have thoughts like me.

I thought I wanted to be unique, but I just want to be understood.
Hey, can you understand me too?

Maybe I don't understand myself, very well.
But, I accept myself, I try to love myself, and I know whats best.
I am independent, and genuine, I can do it all.
I can do anything, I don't think it will be easy, but I can.

I wish I could ask others questions like I do myself.
I will probably get as good as an answer as I get out of myself.
But I'll feel better anyway.

People move in and out of my life, and some literally do move.
Or I move, far away to another state.
We never speak again, and if we do its as strangers once again.
It's sad to say goodbye, but this is the truth again and again.

But do I have the right to move someone out of my life purposefully?
I have no idea if I even want to, I know I can.
Can I let people slip out of my life slowly, knowing what is happening?
Can I just let that happen, and want it to?

You think no one is there, and no one cares. And that no one understands, but I get it more than you think. Be honest with yourself. I'm sorry you feel like how you do, and I'm sorry I can't help. You think the only someone you need is the only someone you don't. Listen to your head, cause your heart is what got you here. Let everything be equal rule. You have strong thoughts, and you say you aren't strong. But you really really are, so please do what you need to do to be okay. And if you need to stop eating, and start harming then let me make you better. Let me make you okay, listen to the people around you that care. Someone is no good, and you don't need someone. I know you feel the lowest you have, but it is okay because you have to hit the ocean in the bottom of it's gut before you float back up. I don't want to see you again, because it hurts to see you hurt. And I don't think you understand how I care, but I'm too scared. I'm sorry, so sorry. I knew it too, I knew someone was no good. I warned you, but you were too blinded by everything.

Please don't acquire the bad habits of your sister.
I know you look up to her, but she isn't too bright sometimes.

Don't get acquainted with her anger, it's not something you want to know as well as she does.
Don't become impatient, life is full of waiting and it's better to just be patient with it.
Never think anything about harming your lovely skin.
Please don't hide your tears under your pillow, we want to share your pain.
No creating a bottle of emotions inside you, cause sooner or later it will get shook up.
Don't let people's words bring you down, like your sister did when she was your age.

You are so wonderful in every way, do not ever forget that.
We love you, honey. More than you could ever know.

You asked me today why I wanted to harm my body, you said everything was perfect and happy. You didn't understand why.  I couldn't answer and said that I didn't know. I hope you read this so you'll know. It's an addiction, something I'm so used to. It's something that I love doing. I love the marks it leaves, the straight perfect red lines or the faded beauties.  And I think the blades are so beautiful, and captivating. I know this is strange and sad, but it's my mind.. I love the blood, and the clean up. Being the doctor of my own self, and harm. I love the silent mind it gives me, the indifferent feeling, the numbed mind. Those feelings are almost better than the straight happiness you deliver to me. But I've kinda figured out that even if I'm happy, I'm sad, or angry. Or whatever else. It's just hidden, and it stinks for lack of a better word. And believe me, I do not want to have this weighing over me for the rest of my life, and I do not want to feel like this forever. I'm just comfortable with it, this sadness, and I don't think I know how to let go of the harming. But I'm not giving in, even though I feel as if I'm close to giving up however many days I've been without this. And I think I've explained to you before that I'll do other things, and I do. I try not to though.. I want you to know that I'll be fine though, I am okay. I don't need you to try and fix me, or cure me of whatever this is. I just want you to be here, and make me laugh when I'm sad. I'm very grateful I have you though, thank you. I love you, ***. Mwah~

People dissapoint, they scrub your skin with words
I don't want to turn to stone, too many things hurt
I want to be like the soft curve of a pillow
But I must join the earth, to be as standing and un-upset as rock
Rock does not hurt, it doesn't injure, but I do.
I feel the constant chilling burn of depression, and the prodding of a razor, and if that isn't enough then the occasional punch in the stomach from a few words now and then.

I might be a litte broken
but I still am a person
and I still am one of a kind

Everything gets better with time
every wound seals
and every crack in my heart will fill soon enough

I realized today the world isn't as perfect as I thought.
Well, I always knew, but I never had proof.
Or a realization.
And until now everything was covered in a veil.
But as I realize this, and become less naive things become harder to accept.
I understand myself more often, but what is that worth when all I see anywhere is the ugliness of the world and its people.
I'm too young to have known that life is meaningless..but all the same meaningful.
But how do I tell the ones that I love that I don't feel the need to be here anymore?
That I do not want to be here..?
How do I tell people that I believe we have no other purpose but to be here?
And by being here we are only destroying things.
I am puzzled at this, and I wish to not have this mind.
I wish to not have this body.
Please give it to someone who wants to live.
I have this privilege of a physical body, and a mind that comprehends adequately but I do not want it.
I'm tired of knowing and seeing.
Bring me back to an age where nothing hurt and nothing was thought.

I can't stop thinking about her
I don't want to decide whether to distance myself or get closer
All I want to do is spend time with her.
All I want to do is love her but all she can do is be a friend.
I'm okay with it, as much as I can be.
My heart is conflicted and broken,
She let's me love her from an arms length but I want to know her inside and out.
I want to love her. And I do.

It's painful to love her and know the feeling isn't the same.
My chest is empty and all I can do is shed a tear for what will never be.
Even so I keep hoping but I know
That she's not ready and I respect that
Life has a path for us all and I'm just glad ours crossed.

I feel like I wiped my whole desk of life off. Now I am lost, and have nothing.

I've just about fallen through the rickety wooden floor of my life. I have no idea where I'm going anymore.

I don't know anything anymore, and I'm not sure of any part of the future anymore.

Every bit of hipster culture tells me that is is okay not to know your path or future.

I don't think I like it though. I feel like everything has been erased.

My life turned upside down in a way where things are okay. But I am afraid.

The future is mysterious, but I've been told I can't change it anyway.

So I mind as well not even try, just try to shape it in the best way I can.

I'll get there safely, and I'll be happy(hopefully) someday.

As always I will put my faith in the occurrence of events, and try not to worry too much about things.

Try to do the best that I can, even if I feel that things have been crushed and molded again.

Even if I want to give up, and sit out once and for all.

I'll make it through, even on my darkest days.

I will prevail
I will fight
I will lose
I will win
I will live
I will die

It is so real to me.
I see it's harmless name everywhere, and it looks so innocent off of the context of your skin.
It haunts me where ever it is or whatever state it is in, and it is so shadowed to me.
But also extremely real, and vivid.
So chilling, but it also sets me to fire.
I see other harmless names and I am foreign to the lands of those graves.
I am glad, but I hate that this stands out to me.
I am walking the path of the graveyard, and will I fall in to my likely grave?
Or will I break off onto the swept path?
I will not know, but I am passing the graves of others who have succumb to the rough grips of these names.
And on these graves there are things written, telling what pushed and buried them in these graves.
And I see many empty graves and blank headstones ahead.
I know that mine may be waiting for me, and self harm is pushing me along the path to it.
Still, I am pushing back and I will ***** the swept path with my muddy feet.
And once I am there I will run far away and never let myself be pushed again.
I will not be buried in the dirt of self harm.

Again and again.

F a l l i n g  and f a l l i n g

up up up I go every time, floating so high

and soon

I fall down

to a bad bad place

And every time I get up, my legs are stronger

and I can breathe easier

because the load on my shoulders fall with me too

You shut me down.
I try and try.
But I am rejected, and then am dejected.
I shut my mouth and give up with it all.
I shut down myself, I keep myself in.
I give up, and stop.
I go into sleep mode the way your computer would.
There and responding just when I need to.
But I don't want to be.

Sometimes I have an overwhelming urge to take you away from all your stress and what you have to deal with. I want to wrap my arms around you and say:"Ahhh, you're finally safe.". I know it seems silly, but I love you. You might not be as delicate as I feel like you are, but I want to protect you from everything. I want you to never feel bad, and never be hurting inside, out, or in your head.

With my hair up and my hair down, I am beautiful.
With cuts or no, I am beautiful.
With tears running down my face and hateful insults in my head, I AM BEAUTIFUL.
My body should not have to fit into the cookie cutter of society's body expectations.
The heat from the oven that the world is has grown me and now I realize that is NOT THE WAY TO LIVE!
I may be bigger than that cookie cutter, but I am PROUDER, I may not be as pretty, but I know that I will always be beautiful in my own ways.
I will NOT be shaped by society's cookie cutter, it will sever my best parts.
It will destroy what is unique.
I know that I am beautiful no matter what anyone says, and that cookie cutter can't have me!
I know what is right and what is wrong, and SOCIETY YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!
HOW DARE YOU TELL US WHAT OUR BODIES SHOULD LOOK LIKE?!?
How dare you make little girls and young women feel as if they are ugly and not good enough?
These are not your bodies, you cannot make our choices, and you cannot control them.
They are our bodies and they are beautiful.

I don't think I've said a word to you.
But the first time I saw you, I wanted to see more of you.

So let me tell the story,
one day you showed up in my 2nd period, and the next you were gone, and I longed...
I saw you on the way to 3rd a week later, and noticed you have a part of your head shaved under your lovely hair.
I've always wanted to talk to you, but can never find the words. ( or the time)
So today 5 weeks later(or so) I saw you in the testing room and couldn't stop staring at the back of your head. I see you're from a different state. I found out your name was Ravenn.

Man, that's super cool. Are you as dark as Raven from Teen Titans?
I wonder if I'll ever speak to you, cause I really hope I do.

Sometimes I wonder why I try to please anyone, but then I remember the things you do. I remember that relationships are a give and take, a push and pull of emotions. I just want to be loved, and often I wonder if you do. And that's why I get tired of loving you.

Do you hate me because I tell you what you do wrong? Do you resent me because I am here? Do you think I don't love you? Do you know when I'm feeling like this? It's funny that it makes me feel almost nothing anymore, I am getting used to the pain and it's not good. It's not something I want, it's a sting in my throat, a sting like boiling heartburn. But my heart is freezing, and you are the cold.

It's not burning, I wish you would...I wish you would do something. I wish it could be better, I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could leave and not regret it. It seems that the ones we love shouldn't hurt us, but it's them that hurt us the most. And here I sit in continued silence, and here I sit wondering what to do, what to say, and how to say it. And here I sit, wondering if I should be the bigger person, or if I should go low and be myself. Here I sit wondering if I should ice you out until you thaw me out, it seems to always come back to me wondering what I have to do to get attention.

New red lines drawn
hide them well
They think the lines are bad
I hope no one sees them
it only means trouble
Shameful secret that I love
it has a hold on me
like none else
I like it though
please keep me
I no longer control it
I follow impulses now
My will is slowly dying
i think it is okay
it is an experiment
let us see what happens

I feel kinda wrong not feeling kinda bad.
Is this good, that I'm happy?
Yes, that much I know.
It puzzles every fiber of me though.
What has changed within me, what has changed in this month?
Did anything even?
I'm okay, I'm alright.
But am I right?
I guess that saying goes forth true, "You get addicted to a certain kinda sadness."
I was reluctant to let it go, but this is what I wanted all along.
I am happy for now, and that is all that matters now.

Thank you so much, I'm learning so much about myself. (And I'm learning that I don't understand myself very well.) Thank you so much, I like myself more. Thank you so much, I actually think I'm beautiful. Thank you so much, I like more music now. Thank you so much, I know what love is now. (I know what obsession is now too.) Thank you so much, I know what attachment is. Thank you so much I cannot love another. (But only romantically.) Thank you so much, my compassion is through the roof. (I only like this so much)

Congratulations you've made me a better person.
(But you haven't improved you?)

Wonderful, you love me.
(But do you love you?)

But really I do wish to thank you so much.

Stand up.
Stand strong.
We know you can do this.

You're just apprehensive, like you've been for so long

Let the words flow from your mind
Move your body to the rhythm of that music
Feel it in your bones, and let it loose.
Let it go, send it so far away.
Shake it free, shake it out.
Kiss Satan goodbye, and tell the demons to get out.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD
*******
I'm better than you.
And you've never helped me!

We see you struggling, baby.
But we can't do anything for you.
It's you and only you, save yourself.

Saving me, while I save you.
I DON'T NEED YOU, I DON'T NEED THAT.
You can disappear, because I DON'T NEED THOSE SHARPS.
AND I DON'T NEED THE WORDS.

If I'm dying I'm taking you with me.
If I'm living I'm killing you.
LIVE WITH ME AND YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF.
You can't win.

I can't win..
BUT I WON'T GIVE UP.
And you will not win.

Today I did it another time.

(Blood stained tissues and rubbing alcohol.)

I'm in too deep, I've been too deep.
I didn't say goodbye, I won't.
I am not strong enough to dig out.
I'm gonna stay here and sink.

(I tell myself all these things and I believe each and every one. )

My hips are red and again I wish it was my wrists.
I say goodbye to you my love, to say hello to the blade.

(I've cracked, I'm done. )

Red flows more than breath does.
Each and every night I let it go.
Can't say goodbye, its a part of me now.

(And nobody understands, so I can't explain the pain.)

I don't know why I haven't left yet, I hate it here.
I wish I was gone more every time I lie, but why haven't I gone?
I could of that day..but I didn't and I regret it.
Maybe today will be that day that I say goodbye one more time.
Don't forget I love you.
Goodbye.

(And today, I haven't been more dead. Tomorrow I'll be the least I've ever been)

My heart aches for a time.
For a moment in the stream of everlasting seconds.
I hope I lose that time when I miss you.
I thought I was losing my memory.
But then I remembered that if I forget, I'll forget you.
Then it was okay, and then
I told myself to think of nine in place of you.
That number was better than you.
And I wanted my dreams to let me see the number nine, asleep.
But do not wake me up, because I won't forget.
And I can't remember, because you are nine.
And I am nothing, and you are forgotten in the time of nine.

I haven't felt like I was edging into a trench.
Or maybe I won't know when I'm going to fall.
And that is the worst fear of all.

I'm sorry, and those words are all I can really say.
All that I have ever said to you.
It must be frustrating to be where you are.
I know, but I don't care as much as I did.
I have sympathy for you and your situation.
But I can't do anything for you.
I'm tired of breaking off pieces of me and giving it to you.
I am not willing to help you any longer, I am spent.
I'm really, truly sorry for your unhappiness.
There is nothing I can do for you, only what you can do for yourself.
I keep trying to tell you that only you can bring yourself true happiness, but you never listen, never understand.
Ricky, is a name I say mostly with a tone of pity.
I'll send you your things back sometime in the near future.
I hope things get better for you.

I suppose I am fatigued in thinking all the time about harming myself.
I want to hurt myself I want to hurt myself I want to hurt myself.
My thoughts are racing with those terrible phrases.
Triggered and triggered after trigger and trigger.
Everything and anything.
Red, sharp, word, or scratch.
I hate I hate I hate I hate.

It seems to me
that every time
I get to a high place
I slowly
             start
                       to
                               f
                               a
                                l
                             ­     l
                                          and fail.

Today was a day
As I always say when a day seemed to have been quite a ride
Tiring and frustrating
But little conflict
Which I am always thankful for

I've been having dreams
Where all I do is cry
All I can remember is the overwhelming sadness making my face into rivers
The strangest thing is
I'm not unhappy when I'm awake
But it leads me to believe I
Am hiding something
From myself

I'm so tired of being sad and the sick feeling it gives my body.
I have once before gave in to the ******* black hole, but no more.
I will be whole.
I will get back to the stables again
I will get back on the horse, and ride through the coarse no-wheres.
And one day when I have defeated all the demons, I will sit down in my Windsor chair.
And in that chair, I will take great care to thank the horse that brought me there.

Yesterday I found out that the antidepressants I am on can decrease feeling in my lady parts.
I cried, not violently.
The tears slipped down my cheeks
because I realized it now affects every part of me.
My illness starts in my head, and ends in my toes.
Iam plagued with this, for what seems like forever.
Am I able to enjoy anything?
Eating makes me fat, happiness turns to sadness, my art is never good enough, *** won't make me feel a thing, friends leave, holidays disappoint me.
I hope you'll never leave me, you're my one and only.
I'm gonna marry you.
It won't get any easier, and I hope you stay for the bad and good.

wish you would stop caring                                         Can I?
 so I could start cutting
wish you would stop dreaming                                    
so I could stop breathing
wish you weren't you
so I wouldn't be(with you)me                                      Can you?
want you to stop crying
so I can
want you to be alright
so I can
want you to leave me be
so I can be me                                                          Can­ we?

You're so sweet, all the time, maybe too much.
But yet, it seems like you try to make me angry.
Then you are oblivious to whatever it was that  you said, or did.
And me, being the person that I am hides my anger and develops a grudge.
I may be overreacting to something minor, but I hate it.
And I want to say that I hate you, because lately you've been making me feel this a lot.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU
You don't know when to shut up either, you just keep talking when I want to rip my head off.
I've really had enough of this, I'm tired of being so upset that I become ill.
Just leave me be, because I am tired of my feelings.
I am sick of wanting to hurt myself over stupid things.
I am sick of you, I am sick of me.
I am sick of life, and sick of death poisoning my mind.
I just want to die..sometimes.

You text me after dinner telling me you feel terrible, and I think it's food poisoning but it's something you don't identify as anxiety yet.
It worries me because all you want to do is watch a movie and be left alone. You tell me nothing of your troubles and leave.
One hour later I ask how you're doing and you say you're going to bed before formation.
I haven't talked to you since last night, and now I'm worried sick. You don't need me when you're upset and since you left I don't know how to talk to you.
I don't think we will make it if you keep doing this. I can't see your face, I can't hear your voice, and I can't read your mind.

why won’t anyone just tell me it will be okay

my eyes ******* burn
and now I understand the phrase “hot tears”

everyone in my life is as useless as I

my teeth hurt because i clench them too much
just like my heart hurts because I’m burning it with anger

my stomach wants to jump out of my throat, and I wish it would
my body should just self destruct

god, why won’t anyone tell me it will be okay