I would rather be your Friday night than your Sunday morning
Because I know that you're with me Sunday morning.
I would rather be your Unknown Caller.
I would rather be your
"meet me on the corner" or your
"I wish I could stay"
Because that way I would know where I stand.

But I'm not any of these things.
I am your wife. And I am envious of the one who has your heart while I only have your hand.

So little does the outside world see
Of the girl that I know to be me
Of the girl who seems perfect in every way
Who appears so flawless and in such array

So little does the outside person know
That I too fight demons that do not show
That I do see myself in the mirror and want to cry
Because the girl I see is not who you see outside
The girl that I see is messy and lost
She struggles with self image whether you believe that or not
She chooses actions carefully although they seem so effortless
Her insecure comments and remarks are heard as cleverness
Although her love runs deep, his love will always run shallow
And he toys with her emotions because she is young and she is callow

But so little does the outside world know of her soul
Because as she appears is not the story at all.

Your hands are like an earth quake.
So strong and full of force. Breaking down my walls and crumbling me to pieces in your lap. You vigorously shake my emotions and wreck my fortress that I have taken time and dedication to build.

Your eyes are like water.
So calming and moving. I just want to be your rock. You see right through me and my thoughts like a tropical ocean. But you watch me undress and I see pacific waves crashing in your eyes. I can feel your thirst.

Your mind is like a fire.
So sure of itself and so powerful.  Like a forest fire. It would take many men to stop you or put you down. You know the direction in which you pursue and you burn your own path.

Your compassion is like a rose.
Beautiful and fragile; you are gentle and bright.  You bring smiles and radiance to the room but you make it very clear to me that if I hold you too close, you could hurt me.

I'm a little better every day
With each week that passes my eyes see clearer
With each moment that you're not around
I find my thoughts a little more cleaner.
I don't say your name when I'm half awake anymore
Or reach out my hand for you when I'm alone
Check my screen every five minutes for your name to pop up
And I finally deleted your number from my phone.
Erased your name from my heart nearly completely
Convinced myself that I was worthless to you
This made the whole "moving on" thing much easier
Once I realized that's all I needed to do.
Now that I took a step back and see what this was
You're not nearly as great as I made you out to be
You kinda just fall into that same pile as the rest of them
And in time you will be completely dead to me.

You've never felt hate before
Not like the kind you've instilled in me
I feel so possessed with this evil rage
That craves men's hearts, it's so hungry.
What have you done to my hopeful self
You turned me into someone I used to loathe
All I ever want to do now is play reckless games
With each one of their souls..

I guess I'm supposed to fall in love right?
I'm supposed to feel butterflies and laughter?
I'm supposed to post wedding dresses on pintrist
And instantly delete my tinder...
I'm supposed to wait for his text by the minute
And wish on a star that I see him soon
I heard that girls when they're in love fantasize
About what he may look like as her groom.
I heard that women write in diaries about men
Scribble love poems and play Taylor Swift
I guess I'm supposed to do these things when I feel something special
I think I'm supposed to value his love as a gift.
Sure, why not.
Give me love and I'll show you what it's really for
It's a tool that men use on women
To keep them knocking on their door.
It's disgusting and it makes me sick
They really are all the same
And if you think for one second that he gives a **** about you
Then you've already fallen for his game.

Yea, he makes me laugh all day
And his eyes are happy to see me
His hands so quickly reach for mine
When I lay on him his heart beats rapidly.
He sends me texts that say "I miss you"
He forgives me for abandoning him
A few months ago when I was reckless
He holds me like I never left.
He brings me to old places
He lets me nap in his bed
He trusts me with his secrets at night
He willingly lets me into his head.
I see nothing wrong with him, except
He needs love and I can't give that
I have no doubt that he can wait patiently
But I'm afraid I won't ever have it back.
I'm sure I'll look back on this poem one day
And smile to remember him
Sitting alone in my thoughts at home
Dreaming of what it could have been.