I walked around my apartment aimlessly moving from my bed to the couch and then back to bed.
I was feeling about as exciting as the grey sky outside.
I did my ab workout alone, huffing and puffing on the floor.
I made eggs and toast and a protein shake after doing the dishes.
I listened to a podcast and smoked some ****.
Then after taking a nap I finally fixed my hair, put on some makeup and a cute outfit.
When he got home he sat on the couch and told me about his day and then leaned over and almost laid on top of me in a hug.
I then let out my girly exclamation as I tightly wrapped my arms around him,
“I’m so happy to see you! I was so bored without you!”
He laughed and said, “I know.”

I miss him so much when I’m away for any amount of time.
5 minutes or 5 hours.
I still can’t wait to see him.

2019.
Hope for good things, good changes, happiness and for working out and eating right so I can have cute little abs for summer.

I wanted to write you something nice,
a little Christmas present poem.
To list the things I like about you and all that cheesy ****.
But you're not waxy or fake and neither am I so instead I'll just say that I like you a lot and you make me really happy even though I feel like I don't deserve it.
My own feelings embarrass me but this one I'll share with you because you're a peach.

We got back from the bar and were sitting at a makeshift one in our friend's ratty old trailer that was barely suitable to live in.
He grabbed a piece of paper and began writing something out of my eye sight.
He smiled and slid it over to me like we were passing notes in class.
"You are cute. Wanna hold hands?"
Check YES, or NO.
I put a check mark in the box next to Yes and just as quietly gave it back.
We smiled at each other and I shoved the yellow piece of paper into my purse for safe keeping.
It now hangs on my fridge underneath a magnet from the Aquarium.

The fear that he will leave me just as easily as the last is excruciating.

This is just more weight added to my emotional baggage that I didn't want to carry.

He came over when I got off work and kissed me on the cheek.
He took me out to lunch and held my hand in Wal-Mart before buying me a pair of work out shoes.
I smoked my last cigarette in a pack this morning and have only been vaping since.
I fell asleep cuddled next to him on the couch and when I woke up we had ***.
For dinner he made me a "disgusting" smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, broccoli, kale, green tea, and a few other things I didn't recognize.
And then I went to work and kissed him before leaving him in my apartment.
It's so strangely nice and he's been such a good influence on me it feels like I'm watching someone else's life.
I am tired, but I think I'm actually happy

It was almost six in the morning,
and I lay in bed with my snoring dog at my feet.
I was trying to sleep after being awake for 24 hours but the acid was amplifying the rain outside and creating weird images behind my eyelids.
He knew I hadn't been to sleep since he came over the morning before so he let me have the bed to myself.
But I wished he was next to me, and I wondered if he had really just asked me to be his girlfriend.
So I pulled off the covers and shuffled out to the living room.
"What's up?" He asked sleepily, and sat up a bit off the couch.
I sat down on the edge of the cushion and said,
So I am your girlfriend right?
"Yes. Yeah, I was thinking that we kind of left that conversation open."
I smiled and said, okay good.
We talked for abit and then I kissed him and said I was going to try to sleep.
It worked this time and I dozed off thinking about how weird it is that
I have a boyfriend.

This will be hard for me, I didn't want him to leave because I was afraid that when he walked out the door he would change his mind or do what the last guy did and pretend I don't exist.
I'm afraid because every time I open up it always ends.
But he texted me first, he asked me to be his girlfriend so I'm going to try even though this is scary.

I had my first day where I didn't miss him.
I even started to question why I liked him so much in the first place.
I had my first day where if he had texted and begged for me back I wouldn't go.
I think I fell for the *******, the fake romance he displayed.
Now sitting down and having a deep talk makes me roll my eyes.
I don't want that anymore.
I'd rather have someone be brutally honest, and speak their mind all the time.
Stop being afraid to hurt my feelings, I'm not that breakable.
**** mystery, it's stupid.
It's rude to take so much of someone's time by making your life a riddle.
Get out from under the bridge you ******' troll.

The sound of a passing train in the distance is so loud.
Even though he lived closer to the tracks, I used to never notice it when I was with him.

I didn't feel single until now even though the break up was 5 months ago.
I've been emotionally invested in someone else and dealing with all the same pain that relationships can bring.

I feel free again. The world has that new car smell. The seasons are changing, winter is coming and the end of this long, strange year is upon us.
But don't tell me to put myself out there because there's now a sign outside the door of my heart that reads,
NO TRESPASSING!
And the door won't be opening again until there's a warm spring breeze that gets through the cracks.

I'm looking forward to spending time with me on snowy nights, cuddled up on the couch watching a Christmas movie.
I look forward to getting to know me better.

My dad came over yesterday to fix my garbage disposal.
I think he could tell by the lack of smiling and my tone of voice that I was upset.
So he asked, "how have you been? How are things with that guy you were hanging out with?"
I replied, "there's nothing left to say about that, but I'm pretty bummed out."
He told me he's sorry and if I want to talk that he's around.
I just said thanks and hugged him.
I don't want to talk about it anymore. I have talked about it so much that even I'm sick of it.
I hate that I even mentioned him to my parents, I waited 6 months before I ever did and that was a mistake but I used to think he was worth bringing up.
Oh how wrong I was.

You know what ***** the most is knowing that some day he will give a girl the chance I wish I had.
I wasn't worth it but some totally uninteresting girl who wears American eagle and who is probably a nursing assistant with a kid from a previous relationship will be.
She will be prettier than me in the traditional sense but there's nothing unique about her.
She won't write or paint or play an instrument but she will make an excellent wife.
I bet her name would be something like Marissa.
Yuck.

I can try to convince myself that I'm just angry but really I just miss you.

While laying in bed I can hear the windchimes, that are hanging outside my neighbor's apartment singing loudly and consistently.
The wind is blowing hard outside.
Even though it's Halloween it's warm and the air smells fresh as it comes in my window.
Perfect to fall asleep to.

(And anyone else who might need it)
Please be happy.
Please try as hard as you can to focus on the good and stop believing that mean girl in your head who lies to you.
You have come so far and done so well creating a new life and making yourself happy.
Your happiness shouldn't come from someone else.
Stop putting yourself down because of your job and because you're single with no kids at 23.
You're doing just fine.
The quick passing of time doesn't mean anything.
Life is long.
Please try to be nice and give yourself a break.

He says he hates the color blue, and turns to look at me.
"Except for your eyes. I like that color."

Bukowski and Whitman are stacked on top of each other on the little table in front of my couch.
I was flipping through them reading random poems.
It's raining and I have a lit candle sitting on the window sill.
My pup is asleep underneath the Mexican blanket I bought at the Applefest this past weekend.
And I am sick.
I am about to take another nap.
Sleeping is all I've done today except get something to eat and wonder if he had ideas about leaving this small town and trying to find happiness somewhere far away.
A true crime show I found on Netflix is on but the volume is down a bit so I can't even really makeout what is being said.
I have to work tonight so I'm going to go back to sleep.
I hate being sick.

I'm becoming okay with not knowing what to do or how I feel.
I'm single at 23 with no kids so what else have I got to do except see what happens.
That's exciting but also frustrating for someone like me who likes to have a plan.
My life now is nothing like I thought it would be a year ago, so how can I think I have any control over the future.
I think this will be one of the toughest years of my life because it's one big transition after another.
I'm trying to learn as much as I can while not letting my heart make too many of the decisions.
I truly have no idea what my life will be even in a few months but I'm getting used to the unpredictable.

Im dreaming of colder weather,
and I'm ready for it to get dark early.
To grab a coat on the way out the door to pull over a sweater.
October will be here soon and the leaves will fall and crunch under my feet; the spooky season.
I can't wait to see my nephew turn 3 years old in November and then celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family.
I love when the seasons change, it always feels like a new beginning.

I think I get addicted to things easily.
So it's very good I've never done any drugs.

My addiction is people.

When I find someone who makes me feel a certain way that I can't really describe except for manicly high highs and depressingly low lows,
I can get obsessed with that feeling.
I don't know how to stop except to go cold turkey.
I can hate them so much when I'm alone and then as soon as I see their name pop up in a text or talk to them out in public I am hooked again.

Ohio sunsets in late summer are amazing.

The sky becomes cotton candy with pinks and blues and the temperature begins to drop.
The clouds swirl and stretch.
You can hear a train in the distance with a faint breeze.
It feels great to drive around with the windows down and listen to music.

Ohio sunsets in late summer are amazing.

I feel like if I were anyone other than me,
he would like me enough that we would be a couple by now.