one. I walked you to your car, and made sure that each part of you was safely seated before i closed the door. once i got in the passengers seat, i told you to buckle up, and when you didnt, i reached over the center console and kissed you as i carefully grabbed your seat belt and strapped you in. you rolled your eyes at me, told me you loved me and grabbed my hand and kissed it. i asked you to keep both hands on the wheel.
two. I put my hands up your shirt and rested my head on your chest when we were laying down, just so i could count your heartbeats. so i could feel your heartbeats and so my head would rise and fall with your ribcage. i ran my fingers through your hair, and whispered alive against your skin. i kissed your collarbone, your chest, your stretch marks. you asked me to stop, you told me you loved me but it tickled. i told you i adored your laugh.
three. I tried to be as close to you as i could. i asked you to come to a haunted house with me, and i let the sound of your laughter fill my ears. i know i get scared easily, that was the point. i gave you directions for the longest way possible so we could spend more time together. i turned on your favorite song, and watched your lips move. when the hum of your voice made its way to my ears, i closed my eyes and let my head lean back. i held your arm through the entire haunted house. i jumped closer to you whenever i heard a sound, i buried my face into the crook of your neck, even when i wasn't scared. you laughed at me for so long, pulling me into you each time you did and told me you loved me. i pressed my ear against your chest and listened to the way it resonated.
four. Sweet dreams
four. i care about you
four. how are you?
four. are you okay?
four. did you get home safe?
four.
five. I didnt yell back. I wiped your tears away when they escaped your eyes, as mine fell and shattered into my lap. i kissed your collarbone, and i pulled myself closer, even when i was shoved away. i squeezed my eyes shut, like if i closed them hard enough, i could unhear that this was my fault. i touched your neck, right under your hairline, and i told you i cared about you. you told me that you couldn't wait for me to say it anymore, that you didn't know if i loved you or not. i told you to drive safe, and i watched you walk away. i saw you put on your seatbelt and look at me. i watched you start the car with tears in your eyes.

being a girl means being dainty and innocent, means pure, means modest, means princess.
girl means legs crossed and church on Sunday's. girl means pepper spray and short skirts but not too short but not too long either. girl means *****. girl means chastity belt. girl means traveling in groups, means inferior, means less. girl means makeup and ******* and a sight for sore eyes. girl means girl is seen as object, seen as lingerie, seen as *** toy, only if girl looks good enough to be a *** toy, but even if she doesn't. girl means seen but not heard. girl means nice to look at, girl means nice to touch even when girl says no. girl says no means no, except when boy thinks no means yes. girl means what she says, except when girl doesn't, girl doesn't want you to ask, except when she does. girl is SO confusing, except when she's not. girl means no when girl says no, even when boy wishes girl says yes. girl means 1 in 4. girl means statistic, means unbelievable because if girl cries **** and nobody was around to see it, did it happen? girl wishes it didn't.

Your fingers burned me
So when they asked me for proof
I lifted up my dress.
They dusted my thighs for
Fingerprints
Like they would a burglary.
They told me to explain again
What had happened.
I told them  how you
Pried me open like
The doors of a
Closed convenience store
Gutted me like an
Abandoned house
Left me for dead like
A deer after the
Headlights
They said there was
Nothing
They could do
I told them how you
Emptied me like
An alcoholic at the bar
After years of sobriety
Stained me like
The glass windows
In your church
Broke me like
The mirrors you
Can't bare to look into
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore
I can't look in the mirror
Anymore
They asked me for proof
So I lifted up my dress
They dusted my thighs
For fingerprints
I swear were there
I see them
The third degree burns
Covering my legs
My neck
My chest
I told them how
You made me into a
Museum of art
I don't want to be a part
Of
You made me into a
Museum of mosaics
And tragedies
And other broken things
I told them how
You made me into
Railroad tracks
That I lie on and
Wait for a train
That never comes
I told them about
the burns you kissed
into my skin
the blisters that
throb and
pulse
like the heartbeat
I used to have
They asked me for proof
So I lifted up my dress
For fingerprints I swear
Were there
They dusted my thighs
Like the crime scene
They were
Like the crime scene
They are
They asked me if
I had any other proof
I told them about the
Flashbacks
About how any hands
On me feel like your
Hands
About how you
Stripped me
Both physically
And mentally
About how I begged
You to stop
About how you didn’t stop
They said there was
Nothing
They could do
They said they were
Sorry
I said
Me too

people tell me i have your eyes like its something i should be grateful for.
but when i look into your eyes i only see empty beer bottles,
body hunched over in prayer for forgiveness from all the wrong people.
your eyes are unapologetic but you are always saying sorry.

when i look into your eyes i only see bruised knuckles,
fingers not quite as broken as our family,
a house that was never quite a home.
your eyes are hungry and they devour me whenever they get the chance.

people tell me i have your eyes like its something i should be grateful for.
whose eyes do you see when you look into mine, dad?
who are you blaming when you tell me its my fault?
if i'm the mirror image of you, dad, you must be blaming yourself.