These last final days I'm constantly
Thinking about how I should spend it
What I should say.
Should I smile more?
Cause I'm dying soon?
Should I lie less?
cause it'll be over soon?
Be more reckless?
Cause I'll end it sooner than I thought?
Crying cause I will never get to live
See how my favourite series end
If my idol will ever settle down
If my dog will be happy without me
Will my family ever move on
Get over the betrayal and hurt I caused
Will my mom be too distraught by my loss to move on
Will my sister ever be able to settle down
My twin brother make it to college
Will my older brother be shaken by reality to finally go to rehab for drug abuse
I'll never be able to walk the streets of foreign country's and be afraid to get lost
I will miss the sun in my hair on a summer day
And the way my lover used to kiss my Cold fingertips in the winter mornings
I will lose it all
If I haven't already
Last night I couldn't sleep
I kept rolling around searching the sheets
Sighs has replaced the silence you left behind
I wonder where you are and what you're doing
The loss for you has been my undoing
Screams and chaos in my head
Sometimes the ledge isn't far ahead
But then I think of you and how you left me for dead
But I'm already dead,dear no need to step of the ledge
listen to me.
a gathering of words to entrap a moment
that cannot be
otherwise enveloped into something
something to last you forever
it will not fade or disappear or leave you
you take to the hearts desire
though you can barely understand your own
for what you truly want is deep within you
dying to be noticed
crumbling against the locked walls
you hear it calling in your sleepless dreams
burning your breath
blowing smoke rings into your eyes.
see through the mirror of your heartache
a wondrous feeling of undeniable beauty
one that will lift you from this carefully
placed void of uncomfortable drought
into a greater wanting
a meaningful desire for something
pure, radiant and enamored.
it flows through the sounds that caress your
caught in the undertow of your minds
they play relentlessly, over and over
until you’ve uncovered them in a moment of
clarity and perspective
suddenly the words you’re saying seem to
the same intention your heart follows
a mutual moment of everlasting truth.
and maybe if you release the feeling through
soon your heart will lift itself from the burden
against it, the burden risen
recognize it, familiarize it and set it free.
an inhaled sensation of weightlessness
as the person that surrounds you in the
smoke comes to you
a guided light, harboring your love
and only yours
and the words you speak will be kindly and
for a moment you will have what you’ve
you will feel it overtake you with an eager
(This is not mine but i felt the need to share it)
Hoping, praying that I'll be with you someday
Keep thinking things are gonna change
Thinking im gonna have my way
But I lost, everyday takes me further away
I want you here with me now
I have to admit that I miss you
But you're not here
You're over there somewhere doing what you do best and I'll probably see you when there's only a few pieces of you left
I will be there in the end to piece you back together and send you on your way
I miss how the sun kissed your cheeks when you're lying next to me
The way you talk in your sleep
Mumbling incoherent word
But they're the secrets that I keep
It pains me to share you with the rest of the world
I don't mind you growing as a person but please Remember who you are and who loves you the most cause I'll be there at the end of the Road
"I sleep in your shirts ya know?" I asked the empty room "I miss how you used to scold me for always taking long showers" I poured myself a glass of jack daniels "you'd be disappointed if you saw me like this" I said between sips "don't worry, I'll be disappointed for both of us." I'm a shell of a woman I used to be "its saturday, I miss how you used to sleep in as I watched tv shows" the tv hasn't been on for weeks "my battery is drained, haven't charged it since your death" saying the word and tasting the melancholy mad me nauseous "I won't throw up, that's not very lady like" I threw the glass against the wall "I think I'll just drink jack out of the bottle instead" I said happily.
"I can still hear myself think so I'll just drink until I can't feel a thing"
"Moma thinks I need therapy if my daddy was here hed just kick the crap out of me instead" daddy issues was part of me growing up and I never wanted to date until I met him, he waited patiently like a puppy and broke down all my walls
"Babe why didn't you talk to me about your problems I loved you even with your depression" guess who's turn it is to be depressed
"I'm not actually mad at you, just mad that there was nothing I could do"
I broke down in tears that night remembering what had happened
My phone ringed as I was having lunch with a friend
"Baby!" A hysterical voice said, it was mom.
"Sorry my phones been actin up, what's wrong"
"You need to come baby girl,I'm so so sorry, I'm at the local hospital" and she hanged up. Me and my girl grabbed our stuff and went
My mom ran to me crying "sorry I'm sorry sorry sorry baby girl"
"Sorry for what?" I was hysterical
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to a hospital room and there he laid full bandages and blood
My knees buckled, it was giving in and my bag slid off my arm like water
I couldn't breath
"Is he" I couldn't get a word out
Now my mom was crying "he jumped off your building room
I couldn't cry, I wasn't expecting this
"He only got a few minutes and his family is on their way but they can't make it so they think he's already dead"
I took his hand and kissed it furiously "no wake up" I closed my eyes "no wake up! Pleas wake up" now my voice was only a whisper
The funeral was depressing. My family and friends have came to terms with my locking myself up in my apartment getting wasted
"Part of grieving" the doctor said
"Its been 4months and she's still doing it" my mom said to her friend as they pushed me under a cold shower and cleaning me, thinking I was unconscious. I heard everything.
"They were each others anchors, keeping each other grounded, one without the other one they would fall apart" my aunt was a writer
I soak my blood in alcohol thinking I'd forget about you
But you were there with me on my couch 1a.m in the morning from my first shot of ***** to drinking 6 beers and still you're here
swinging my bottle of beer as I walked to the balcony
"**** love, **** everything" I slammed down on the ground, looking at the city lights and how beautiful everything looks from a distance
"Us, me and you I want that" you used to say I let myself shed a few tears
Then you jumped off ledge and cut my heart to little pieces, "you *******!" I used to screamed out from the balcony
The neighbors are used to this
"You left me all alone" I whispered as if you were sitting next to me
Imagining your reply, "no I won't be okay" I leaned my head against the railings downing the bottle of beer in a few seconds
"Everything is dark, everyone has been trying to cheer me up but they don't understand us they don't know what our love was"I said imagining you sitting next to me
I stood up and walked to the fridge "this place feels empty without you, I'm empty without you, my friends have given up, they think I'm beyond repair"I laughed a empty callous laugh
Maybe we'll meet again some day
Maybe I'll sit in a little cafe in the mall
Drinking your, now my favorite coffee
Reading a new book I purchased across the cafe at the bookstore
And my friends will join me for some fun
And maybe you'll walk by not noticing me noticing the girl you're holding hands with
You'll probably be very happy with her
Laughing and making jokes
And I'll watch you from afar
My friends will probably console me but I'll just say "I'm fine" with a slight smile
And I'll take a sip from my coffee to swallow back the knot in my throat
Maybe you'll see me and decide to greet introducing me to your girlfriend
And you'll probably talk to my friends you already know and ask how its going and they'll look at me and say "fine"
Then you'll pass on by