i was just somewhere,
  i swear!
i almost remember,
  and i think there i cared...

today gives way
  tomorrow fading into being
but what perspective does it give
  which will help me love to live?

from reveller
  to mere traveller,
    fearful of the future
    further along the same circle
    & the skein i spin within

inside & outside
  are copious quantities of chaos
    & i just a “lost” they toss

i try to feel, find or force focus
    personal   emotional
    intellectual   existential
    internal   external
  but then the things i see
   sting with the stain of negativity

pathetic pessimist i be
  underwhelmed by myself
my glass not simply half-empty
  but banished broken on the shelf

whiny little ******,
  or rather non-******,
my only sublime
  another tired rhyme

i find fine & fun with friends,
  but when they're gone it ends.
i'm all dependence upon their outside
  to influence my gone-bare inside

without their temporary infusion
  i return to my self-intrusion
    to kiss & curse the chaos
      and claim i carry a cross

the myriad meanderings of my melancholy madness
  lead me mostly inbetween depression & sadness.
so when alone is what's known,
  i nest in a node of numbness,
    request substances define my self's substance,
      provide my soul's sole sustenance

And in that distortion of view,
  i redefine true
    replace peace with painless
      and happiness with highness

but I was just somewhere,
  I swear!
and while I remember some grief,
  I still feel all of that belief...

i wake every ******* apocalypse morning
  and can't face continuing the mourning
i can't believe Her Love could leave
it is surreal
  & evil

She rescued me from a life
  which was never quite right
and showed me sweet
  rhymes with complete,
gave Her blue to my eyes,
  let me Love the future as forever,
then decided not to believe,
  decided to leave,
placed the dead in my eyes,
  faced me towards starless skies.

(hold me again
  hold me now
    take me to the somewhen
      when we are US somehow)

nothing i've ever said
  has ever mattered.
if it had i wouldn't be dead,
  i would not be gasping with a heart shattered,
    unable to breathe thru the soul shred

with Her
  HER
i never faked
i never lied
i never even would have tried.
She let me love being me
  and i could never be
    anything other than true
      to the TRUE of YOU

She was the mirror on me,
  She showed me the beauty of me,
and i believed what i'd never known before,
  that i could not just swim skim
    but dive deep along the miracle shore

but i missed the cracks,
  ignored the lacks
of two issues i actually knew
  which were the die to our do

my ******* fault we went faulty,
  i didn't **** the wolves at the door
    and ensure our fairy tale forevermore

(take me again
  take me once more
    into every part of You
Yur eyes
Yur heart
Yur thighs
Yur hurt
Yur sighs
Yur spirit
Yur why's
      Yur Forever)

She broke me
  and i know why
She destroyed me
  and i understand why
just not how She could do it
  not how She could **** US
not how She could say **** it
  not how She could give up on US

but i will never wonder why i Love Her
  will never blame Her
    for this forever hurt
for the forever linger
  of my dead heart

(lead me to Yur heart once more
  this time Please Forever
  leave me to horror nevermore
    just hold me Please Forever)

oh Shannon
  not left behind
Please Shannon
  not left behind
remember all You said
  don't leave me for dead
how *** You said i was awesome
  if i was really just no-one
limp **** drunk
  is my legacy
    once Shannon left me

once upon whenever
  i believed we were forever
but She thought different
  & threw away clint

i want to live forever
  if it's with Her
but if alone i'm begging You
  make Yur **** shot quick & true

i will Love forever
  but as US is now never
i can't continue
i CANNOT ******* CONTINUE
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
  is all of me which remains

i am not the noe You knew
  so make Yur **** shot quick & true

help....
    please

pray in vain
  pay the pain.
let love scream
  tears tearing their stream

embrace incomplete
  never again complete
your only one
  pure no-one
    your once & future no-one

remember how to own alone
  return to the role you ruled
you knew it was exiled to unknown
  too bad the genius again was fooled

your words wander weak & watered-down
  wasted away & weighted-down
    waiting to weave the waves
      within which they will drown

it matters not what you imagine
  or how amazing the emotion,
every pulsing pearl of passion
  merely more powerful poison

she'll just kiss some other guy
  letting him swim within her eyes
caressing his face with those fingertips
  whispering to him with her voice's lips

cry in vain
  “why?!” to the pain
hear love scream its heart raw
  feel the fatal of your fate's flaws

and as alone regains its former glory
  know now it shall never again go away
accept that its plot has become your story
  as you die inside but cannot reach your last day

the execution is complete,
  the blood sticky sweet.
yet somehow i'm still here,
  the end of this pain nowhere near.

i'm not nothing without You,
  it's just that the only thing i am
    is a broken boy thrown away toy.
okay so really i'm nothing without You,
  except the only thing that i am
    is absolute agony antithesizing joy.

dreaming expires
hoping retires
  and when she reminded me
    of what is really me
      it was pathetic ******* loser
        & why would she want that with her

i was merely a distraction,
  a temporary action.
before she went back to another,
  was better with her other lover

after all these years,
  the screaming & the tears,
i've finally completely ******* faded,
  the last chamber of my heart degraded

the only colors are red (pure purreed pain)
                              blue (aggressive depression)
                              & grey (dead yet somehow still not gone)

and i should be bland,
  but although broken & barren,
the pain is too intimate with its intensity
  to let me dye away from this **** me

please save me
please believe in me
please unbreak me
please retake me

it's not that i'm nothing without You,
  it's just that the only thing i am
    is a broken boy thrown away toy.
shattered shards further shredded,
  a soul just a hole that's been beheaded

the execution is complete
  and dead is the heartbeat.
so why oh why oh why
  can't i just ******* die

i was with the one today
  and i had to hear her say
    I love You
      to a man who wasn't me,
        who gets to be
          the only ever being i've ever wanted to be,
            will ever want to be

my heart ceased to be,
  my hurt increased with each un-beat
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
the light dead within my eyes,
  why won't this body just ******* die
PAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNN
broken never runs out of bleeding,
it's agonized creams never receding.
sometimes HAPPY turns into torture...

but so much was wonderful,
  i heard her voice say other things,
i felt the touch of her beautiful
  in how she does everything,
i watched her move
i saw her blue eyes be blue
i got to see her haircut in person
i got to be invited to lunch
i got to watch some World Cup
  and chat like two great friends
which we always wer  even when we were lovers

there was a huge hug,
  at least to me,
and then a quick kiss
  (on the lips, oh god, those lips, they are the rainbow gentle warm rainstorm which can suddenly press    
      into my soul with the urgency and primal energy of the tsunami tide flinging me unharmed miles
         inland onto paradise island which i dream of every time i'm asleep or awake),
and then a comfortable smiling pleasant farewell
  which let me remember happiness tell its tale.

and i got to remember
  every moment with her
grocery shopping
(ecstatic with joy)
floor mopping
  (giddy boy with xmas toy)
walking around the lake
  with all the babble you could take
talking in the jacuzzi
  as we laughed with Z-O-E
hiking biking camping bi-plane flying
  smiling inside with heart soul flying

i got to remember
  passion
  moans
  squeezes
  I Love You's
  I Need You's

and even though awake
  i dreamt of how i dream
    of our blue eyes being bluer
      because of each other

then
  i get to return to my broken,
    beg the universe for another chance for US
  and count the seconds
    until our next meeting as friends

all i'll ever want
  is to be what She wants
to be the everything She needs
to be what beats Her heart
  as it flutters it as well
to be the amazing feeding Her soul
  to be The One making Her whole

and if She would say okay
  to make Love with Her everyday
kiss squeeze
  lick rub stroke
**** Her as hard as I can
  (except for when she wants some gentle
whenever she wants to ***

and did i mention
  the blue eyes of Shannon
which i need to stare into
until mine become as blue....

i am unable
  to understand the fable
why the shakespeare tragedy
  why the unspeakable agony

i failed
  i ****** up
and i'll never forgive me

but i was hyper-excited
  to fix the issues together
    to have US be ignited even further

how could You not believe
how could You make me leave
how could You look me in our eyes
  where blue kisses blue
    in a sweet soul stare
      and we end up nowhere

i thought i saw immortality
  as the US holding Z-O-E
but i was ****** into mortality
  when She killed US and then me

She executed the execution so nicely
  and supposedly still loves me
but She got over me almost instantly
  loving some man from before me
while i die even harder every ******* day
  please oblivion take me today

where is the cemetery
  where she buried Love
where is the grave
  where rot her feelings for me

how am i not still part of Her heart
  why do i rot in this soul hole of nothing
how could She take the hurt of tearing US apart
  was it just me who thought We were everything

how can You be The One
  and i'm no-one

the Power of the Peach      7-4-20


does she know the power she possesses
  the worship in her lover's ***** as she undresses
the NEED to see
               to touch
      to kiss

the Peach is life
  it is succor after all the strife
it is the sweetest embrace
  as you're seeing the yes, please
    on her face

kiss right
lick left
all night in that cleft
  before my **** pounds that mound

naked velvet flesh
  to my face is pressed
****** me my goddess
  as my tongue touches your tenderness
    eat you out for an hour
      in love with your Peach's Power

succulent juicy beautiful
  your Peach calls to me
sweet wet delicious
  your Peach owns me

succulent
  **** you clint
tight wet hot
  sticky sweet
luscious ripe ****
  do you want my meat

give me the Power of your Peach
  let me learn all it shall it teach
take me
  pleasure and passion
    any position
    every position
take me
  ride me
    grind me
      let me watch You move
        as I feel You move

to be inside you....
  that first full slide inside
      oooooooohhhhhhhh

then slipping sliding slamming
  sometimes slow and sensual
  sometimes hard fast animal *******
    and everything inbetween

pleasure passion
  with that lust love connection
if it's done right
  if it's not just one night

squeezing
  pleasing
screams and moans
  and ***** words
    which should be heard

it's nature
it's pure
it's shudder
it's shake
it's ***
  you gotta get some

and sometimes
  if your Peach likes rhymes
it's not just the physical
  cuz anyone can ****
there's an emotional intellectual
  where's it's not simply a cool pool
    it's a beautiful pond with a duck

it's not some rude grafiti
  screaming pathetically look at me
it's explicit AND exquisite
  singing you want true Beauty
    This is it

then you wake up in the morning
  and learn if it is joy or mourning
waking up naked
  beside her nakedness
please let it be be joy
  PLEASE,  let it be JOY

that there is a dream
  and several fantasies
that is giving life to a very particular personal dream
  and dancing in the moonlight with those fantasies

I don't Noe what all I can teach
  but Please give me the Power of the Peach

My mentor
my motivation
my moonlight at high noon
my starlight swoon
my sunlit beach in june
  even if it's a dreary january

the reason my heartbeat wants to breathe
  from the moment it actually got to meet you in the physical world  
  and realized the miracle truth of what it already believed...that all of
  the texts and emails and messages were only false in that they  
  ludicrously understated the absolute of Yur light Yur personality Yur
  energy Yur Blue Eyes ability to express and explain and exude that
  the world is wonderful and it's even immeasurably better with
  You...from that instant when we sat together by the fire and I ached to
touch You and my poetheart promised the universe whatever it  
wanted for the daily renewed memory of kissing You  

my dream
whether asleep or awake
the only fantasy which moves me
the only reality meant for me
my only failure that matters
the only forever that shatters

the reason the word awesome exists
or did I say amazing
or gorgeous
or silly sweet
or perfect
or exciting
or comfort
or Happy
or Hottie
or please kiss me NOW
or please let me please You
or touch me with Yur eyes
or hold me in Yur thighs
or nestle into my cuddle
  as I nestle into your soul
or any and every detail of You
  is why I want awareness
or did I mention that what you consider mundane about Yur life, Yur day
  when shared with You was a meteor shower at play

my muse
my music
  the soundtrack in my mind
  I waited forever to find
my love
my lust
my life
  the only Belief
  I ever actually Believed
  
the reason my heartbeat hopes breathing wasn't just a dream or a cruel memory
  from the moment of thrown away and broken and farther from
  awesome than possible i still exist despite the day-to-day lack of
desire to do so becuz my mind sings even within sorrow with echoes
of the soundtrack for my surreal world, the multi-faceted platinum
album of the funnest person the fullest woman (how can You be
everything?!?!) I've ever met or even seen who somehow inexplicably
LOVED me for a while (really...blue-on-blue-within-blue I saw inside  
Her inside Me)

my best day (she's US with me!)
my worst day (she's done with me)
my nervous excitement every single second since we met
my molten full-spectrum heartbeat (silly and sweet)
my only wish
  one fish
  two fish
  red fish
  blue fish
    my only wish

the only reason I keep breathing today
  becuz maybe there could be a someday

sometimes the ghosts sing
  but at times they scream
same thing with my dreams

but what about when all is shrill
        & pain filled

while the words are wounds which whine
  I'll be well on my way to wasted with white wine
exit to extreme intoxication
  safe in self-immolation

you know you don't matter
  & whatever you share
    you'll never get her

and mister martyr
  you are all too aware
    you'll never forget her

alcohol coma comin'
  come on baby
another new numbin'
  un-reminding me
but beware its violet kiss
be even warier of its violent bliss

solo
  so low
The Jester's Tears
  they still fall
empty tears
  arid
    barren

how do I blind my mind's eye?
  I don't want to think its sights anymore
And I must mute the ******' poet
  dam the **** romantic drivel downpour

know why its the worst
  more of less than even the first?
only began to know her
  never went within her world

among the few glances
  were precious true glimpses
poignant potent powerful portraits
sharing Real emotional details
  joyful & painful
    fun & ******

and now you'll know no more

farther into the forest
  than any path can ever find
emotions imagine an eden
  and insist upon belief in its existence

a heart's hopes unable to rest
  are not necesarily kind
and if paradise remains barren
  belief begins to question its insistence

choking on the inbetween
  of reality and what I mean
stoking stroking fantasy's awe
  until I end up ridden raw

I'll wear my ice-blue rose
  til my death and beyond
Unrequited and Rejected
  with its core sorely infected
Yet still somehow it knows
  not a single petal was Loved wrong

the ghost won't ever dim in my mind
  nor release its tingle from my feel
tattooed with you on each inch of my inside
  the only woman I want to sing me real

if only you would take me deep within you
  and want for me to hold you too
I would inhale you way within
  never to ever exhale again

Was That Love In Yur Eyes I Saw
Or Merely The Reflection Of Mine?
AKA Previous Brokens Were Essentially Only Scratches
aka guess i've given up on my dreams


I met You,
  You were the mostest
    (I met the mostest!!!)
What was I supposed to do
other than Love You?
    forever and then some,
      whatever may come
        (mmm, make You ***)!

I actually believed You Loved me too,
  felt forever future was finally true.
Had i learned nothing from always being me?
  How could You feel a future being with me?
    (Yur future be being with me?)

And as much as i miss Yur kiss
  (where i could happily stay all day),
that's not what i miss most,
  not even close!

Do You know what it is i miss the most?
Do You know what memory i kiss the most?
  GGF?
  BABF?
  The nervous excitement coursing thru Clint
    when time was about to be with You spent?
  Every text, pebble, clown horn, rock n roll ring tone?
  Every time seeing the freeway sign for “our” home?
  Pulling into Yur driveway?
  Walking thru Yur doorway?
  Seeing you?
  (Z-O-E's excited hug
    yeah, i'd do that drug!!!)
  The minutes and/or hours with You?
  Our blue-eyed soul-share-stare?
  Every single second of every miracle minute?
    Yeah, that's it!!!!
      EVERYTHING!!!!

**** here far after the shatter,
none of that will ever again matter.
It's all irrelevant regardless,
  and a lot of useless less.

And despite all the times i re-journey
  the paths & places She showed me,
She ain't there,
  so i'm just nowhere.

Much too much to lose
  how do i choose
    to just play the blues
     & survive this core bruise

Noe mere heart-hurt
  the shriek-leak down my my shirt,
    spirit tears in full-on spurt,
      metaphysical face pushed in the dirt.

Was it so simple sweetie
  to leave me?
Will it be oh so easy
  to forget me?


That 1st night at the fire
(sparks flitting floating flirting higher
   and Yur personality flowed from You)
i was already aching to touch You
  (oh sweet reality
     who hath so often forsaken fooled and ****** me
        please let this be true)

And You knew
  and smiled inside
and were already wondering
  and maybe knowing
    where we were going....

And that nervous spastic excitement,
  that purring calm contentment,
    the breathless rushing rollercoaster,
      making love and then cuddling in nature...
i felt them every single solitary eternal moment!!

(and every time i see You
  or think about You
    that will still always be true)


Did you see her there?
  the ultra rare
    beyond compare
      barely even touched by the air???

My today had never promised more tomorrows
where I would smile and dance
    and nurture Yur joy
And now i've never ****** down such sorrow
  with the bile and lost balance
    of the thrown away toy
Prince of the Fair
  to King of Despair...

You saved me
gave YOU to me
and then left me
  with only me
and lone wolf
  alone wolf
    lonely wolf
      is trapped in rabid agony

You made me think
  let me think
    I had never been worthless
      now i've never been worth less

Listen closely...
  less close to me
    than i've ever been,
      can you say broken....

faded clown
  fallen down
unable to mend??
never to rise again?!

i don't know much of much anymore
  forgot how to care why i'm here for
you could **** me today
  that would be okay
    i'm basically dead anyway

but because of others
i'm not allowed to cross over
**** i HATE life without You
  *** do i do?

guess i'm gonna end up one of those spectres
  the dark abandoned spirits of despair
a glacial stink stain in the ether
  long gone **** unable to move on
locked in yesterday's eternal sorrow
  haunting with hurting forever tomorrow

oh ****
  guess i already am

in the middle of the midst of the scene
  i swear this ******'s already been seen

cut to some day
  that seems like today
or should be,
  maybe.
except I can't quite manage to distinguish
  the quiet from the mirage from the extinguished

stomping barefoot on broken glass
  moshing in a field of razor grass
will the screaming ever ease?
  the shrieking ever cease?

price paid
  over & over
    ad infinitum
fight not to fade
  over & over
    and then some

exhausted
  self-accosted
so sick of this ****
  & its anti-exquisite
    ready to abandon belief in it
but will when ever be the whole then again?
  will Clint ever really rock & roll & rule again?

hmmm,
  we know you can't bind me
    if I decide to find me
  so get thee behind me
    before I remind me
  of the achievements I was “meant” for
    which I never ever gave a **** for

Force of Nature
  my own answer
intellectual
emotional
primal
  the forever genius jester

wit charm & character
  with four-alarm laughter
exiting the confusion
  burning cold fusion

escaped from my asylum
  for the emotionally insane
unbroken I again become
  and this phoenix shall remain

Woah, found this recently in my head...not bad actually...especially since I miss writing, like, a lot
I walked down whatever path was in front of me
so did she but we weren't WE
there were thorns on the ground
and all around
*** she screamed and I echoed
cuz it seemed serious *******
blood bleeds thru thorn holes
don't Noe if you knew that
but some thorns are metaphoric
and you can bleed from your soul
the walls seem ready to give up the ghost
and leave me dealing with the exiled host
synapses long silent set to refire
so this Clint seems set to expire
every memory from forever always there
three, nay four scenes playing together
i'd see them hear them smell them feel them
poignant powerful ocean within which i swim
i killed this **** decades ago to save me
it's why i put all those evil drugs in me
**** irony is a shakespearian witch
and she be a straight up full on *****
been fine bein' quasi intelligent
mostly anyways
found other aspects of Clint
which joyed my days
scared
terrified
reincarnation is upon me
the threats amplifying daily
don't wanna be that me
please
please
there is quite a pretty path weaving wandering through a forest, some groves, some open areas, some deep dark canopies, an occasional extended open space with a view you've only seen in dreams. Do you smell the fir needles and the fresh dirt? It's the type of experience which connects you to your planet. It's glorious and beauty of a type which no "e" connection will place into your soul forevermore.
along that path strolls a young man, perhaps a boy, he is laughing with his sister and the girl who would in a few years own his heart and his soul. Look leftwards, do you see the flutterby? Just starboard a wren whistles a mockingbird song and smiles and winks when you give it a confused face.
have you ever been on that path? I hope so becuz it teaches you a beauty beyond what most of us shall ever experience.
oh, anyway, he lived, sister died, love died, world continued completely indifferent...blah blah blah...path exists still...find it, enjoy it...
I walked down a path I thought I chose
naively believing I'm the ****** who chose
there were thorns on the ground
all around
but roses left and right
and Love actually gave me her light
for a little while
then of course back to exile
I walked down a path one day or the other
running laughing with Sean my Brother
he turned to look at me
yet said not a word
becuz we'd already heard
everything you could see
and spun kaleidoscope holes
along every fwy floor or wall
Oh ****
I forgot
he said...
and I quote...
…..Hello Nurse

What doesn't **** you,
  only makes you stronger...
unless it kills you

just need to keep asking
  how long do you think it might be
    until there's even a mote less agony in me

and i was once more wondering
  what ******* year will i again get to be
    anything even remotely like what was me

please please please pity my pleading
  and promise that some eternity maybe
    someone shall seal & heal these soul holes in me

oh look, he's back
  poor pained poet
    oh woe is me

whistle whining back down the track
  poor pained poet
    oh woe is me

******' boo hoo
so she doesn't love you
just becuz she was The One
  and without her dead is the sun

are we all supposed to suspend our lives
  just because you'll never again be alive
NMFP
  not my ******* problem

oh wait
  i'm the broken boy begging
    don't let it be too late

no-one else needs to care
  about the shredded regrets i share
but that don't diminish the damage
  from landing on the razor
    after being thrown over the edge

shhhhh
  don't wake him up
    he hates waking up

cuz he had a breakdown?
  ****** duh!
thrown from heaven to the ground,
  uh, broken, duh
(did i mention the ground was spikes,
   serrated poison-dripping spikes)

dead but unable to die
  death-breath-kiss in every way that matters
but not allowed to die
  just destined to be bleeding amongst the shatters

why must i wake up again
  every ******* everywhen
    without Shannon

YUCK 5-24-19


Doth it cometh again?
  sure, why not
   whatever
     guess i forget what i got

cancer never forgets
  and it can't wait to remember
suicide is anti-pride
  and its devour is also forever

those two evils
  are most of the kills
eliminatingmost of the lifes
  missing from my life

Sister not here to Noe i miss Her
  tell me how to tell tat girl i loved her
4 yrs older twin inside the same brain-skin
  never read my poet words she'd always heard
    tell me how to tell my myself better

my 1st LOVE was no different than yours
  except her inside & outside were more exquisite
wouldn't work out cuz i was too unpure
  always thought one day we'd laugh about it
    but did I mention how much I hate cancer

Carla was simply put a pure soul
  the kindest person I've ever met
she went one adventure too far
  and became a novae star
broke her beautiful whole
  and kissed the *** of Kismet

did any of you have that sister?
  the one who taught you everything and protected you and carried you and challenged you and
explained the exploration of the world and was the only other genius who understood the terrifying
bits at the back of the mind which were sometimes in the front and is the light EVERYone orbits and
then self-destructs and is an obit?

i am told i'm vibrant...i have a glow...i don't noe...tho it is true that very few who meet me forget me
  be that good ot bad
     but i'm a pale facsimile of my former self
        let alone her

Kristy Marie Dubbs
  Kirby
was the teacher we both wanted to be
  but much much better and more brilliant than me
I was actually kind of a natural
  but she had a whole nother level
our hero who made us love discussing
                                             discovering
                                                       every "becuz"
is the hero that to her students she was
   i miss her
       Foogie
           I Miss You

did any of you ever have that teacher?
  The one from whom it wasn't merely information but inspiration...this magical being who merged
    learning & joy, who opened the door to the world of knowledge and encouraged you to explore
    within...the wardrobe door is open boy, the adventure is yours...  For us it was Mr. Kurt Kasner, our
    5th grade teacher and ever after somewhat our muse, who taught me I should hone my natural
    instinct to think critically, analyze EVERYthing and state my case...hmmm, prob some folks who
    would wanna slap him....lol....

did any of you also have a they're both dead?
I hope not
cuz it sux

i'm an *******
i've held hate in my heart
unleashed it to take someone apart

i'm a sweet sensitive soul
take your pain as my own
sob yet stay strong as i groan

          i miss you Kirby
          i'm not okay
          it should have been me
          please un-die
          
i miss you Carla
i'm not okay
you killed me when you killed you
please un-die

they're dead decades before their time...
   the rhyme to that reason????