i am home again
at eighteen(failure)

when i look in the mirror
i can't decide who it is
i'm looking at

and for the first time
it's okay
not to know

i am home again
at eighteen (hopeful)

when i look in the mirror
i see
whoever i want to be

I thought I would never see you again
I convinced myself I didn't want to
I knew it was a lie
Every time I breathed those thoughts
And then I saw you again

I knew you would remember me
Of course you would
After all the time we spent together
You knew who I was
But had very little memory of what happened
Especially after the first month

I tried to put the pain away
But it burned in my lungs to talk to you
It felt like knives along my skin to touch you
I couldn't breathe
But I pushed through

I thought I'd be mad at you
After what you did
And how you hurt me
I was so sure I'd hate you
But it was as if nothing had happened
As if no time had passed since it was good

I'd consider you my best friend
Sometimes it still hurts
I try to ignore it
Because being your friend
Is worth the pain
At least that's what I tell myself

Sometimes I think I might have fallen for you
Most times I think that's a terrible thing
But I really like you
And you don't like me
And it *****
But I know you can't change your feelings

I think I should try to forget you
I try to not text you ever again
I always fail in under a day
Missing you is so easy
Forgetting you is so hard

I know I should distance myself
I know I need space
I know you need space
I'm aware of what I've done
I've tried
I'm sorry

I'm not strong enough

She didn't
understand
the weight she carried
in her heavy
heart,
until the moment
she felt the freedom
rush in,
and fill her tar black lungs
with life.

I've seen you cry
I hear it in your voice
The way each word
weighs 1000 tons

From late night calls
to drowning yourself in music
I see you sitting there
headphones on your ears
and sunglasses to hide your eyes
The air is a void around you
touching (hurting) no one but yourself
although you feel like you're suffocating others

The slashes on your wrist
                                    (bicep)
                                    (thigh)
                                    (knee)
                             and heart
All an angry red
with the occasional bandage
Though you try to hid your pain
with conveniently placed tattoos
(all beautiful in their importance)
(they're almost as beautiful as you)
(i wish you could see)
your scars are apparent

You
are NOT
a burden
You
are NOT
too much work
You
ARE
incredible
hilarious
talented
brave and strong

You
have been through hell
or at least you've tried to
Thank god it didn't work
and you came back
Because if it had
the world would have lost
another light to the darkness

You are so full of love
and care for others.
I wish I could alleviate your pain,
but all I can do is sit
and listen
and watch you destroy yourself.
I know you have no control
over your sorrow.
It hurts all the more
knowing there's nothing I can do.
But I'll always be there
a shoulder to cry on
giving you a reminder
of how glad I am
that you are here
and alive,
such a vivid part of my life.