i have walked hand in hand with death all my life
i danced along the line of the living
i have met death three times in this short time
i begged death to take me
hands and knees pressed to the ground
tears streaming down my face
but death didn’t want me
you see, death enjoyed taking others from me
always taunting me
death has broke me many times
i’m not sure if all these shattered pieces of me
will ever fit back together again

if only i had reconnected with you four years ago
i was never mad you left me
i know you thought you were doing the right thing
four years of missing you
thinking about you
hearing about you
asking about you
i’m sorry i wasn’t there when the devil took hold of you
and spit you back out without remorse
i would have loved to watch you grow and heal
never changing, you never needed to
our souls are forever interwoven
there is no escape from the love i feel for you
and now i’m the one who has to say goodbye
for however fleeting our time was
it was more than worth it
and i will cherish you from afar

“you’ve lost weight”
what do you mean?
i haven’t been eating lunch anymore
my appetite is hard to find
the hunger pains have begun to feel familiar
i still look down and see the same thighs, the same stomach, feel the same nausea
i still avoid my reflection in the mirror after i get out of the shower
but then i really look at my face
for it is always the only thing i can study
and i see it
i see the gray pallor to my skin
my face has grown sharper
sadder
my skin looks tight, as if it can barely hold on
gripping to the contours of my bones
and i feel her lingering in the dark
her soft lulling voice tickles my ear
her fingers graze the skin of my collarbone
her touch is icy cold
and she sounds so kind, so loving, when she tells me
“more” “more”  “more”

the thoughts scrape and gnaw at my brain
incessantly telling me horrible things
to do to myself
to do to others
these vicious claws shredding my humanity to pieces
you’re worthless
how could ever think someone could love you
you?
i don’t believe this oily, slithering, hissing beast is my own
it wants to devour me
eating what little good memories i have
amplifying it’s horrid voice to feed me more atrocities
it’s never satisfied
i don’t think it’ll ever leave me alone
i think, i fear, this monster
is actually
my own thoughts

i tasted peace
it was sweeter than honey
a new clarity in my eyes
no longer just surviving
i was truly living
i stood at the edge
no longer scared of the what if’s
so i stepped off the ledge
i saw a bright blue sky
full of wondrous white clouds
i never thought i would see this day
as i plummeted blue turned to gray
thick as smoke wafting into my nostrils
gray suddenly turning into onyx
darker than anyone could think possible
my vision betraying me
i could no longer see where i was going
free falling for eternity
i knew it was too good to be true

i want them to feel the way i do
i want them to know what it feels like
i want to see the terror in their eyes
when they realize they are no longer safe
i want them to feel what it’s like
to have the choice ripped from them
i want them to feel the void
that hollow feeling in their soul
when i’m done with them
discarded as if they were nothing
years later wondering what they did to deserve it
just a shell of who they once were
but i could never be that kind of monster

sixteen on my mattress on the floor
copious amounts of drugs in my system
i didn’t feel as if i had an option
the men with me coercing me into submission

seventeen in a hotel room
barely conscious and obviously drugged
i called and called for help
only for it to be too late

nineteen in my boyfriend’s driveway
fighting consciousness after a drunken party
fingers sliding into the hem of my undergarments
not being able to speak
to say “stop” “please” “no”

twenty in a club i should not be allowed into
adderall turned into molly
and everything around me became a nightmare
only saved due to a man in my friend’s company

but it was my fault
right?

the days get shorter as used to be green leaves
slowly die as they fall to the ground
some only hanging on by a thread
i used to love watching them float down
but soon i began to fall with them
onto the cold frost covered grass
soft little flakes of snow
cold to the touch
slowly start to cover my entire being
and here i’ll lay
frozen in time
until the flowers bloom again

i know it’s not always easy
loving someone who doesn’t recognize themselves
and on other days they greet you with love
a love like no other
one that’s consuming
there is no in between
i know that is frustrating for you
but i want to thank you
you’re the only one who hasn’t left me
who hasn’t told me that i’m too much
i never would have imagined
i’d find someone who could love me
the way that i am
i know it isn’t fair to put this on you
but you have made me stronger
and for that
there isn’t enough thanks in the world

mental illness is tricky
you’re tip toe-ing
around a ticking time bomb
careful not to set it off
be aware if you do

how could you leave me there
in a pile of my own *****
and an empty pill bottle next to me
how could you look at me
with my eyes barely open
screaming why would i take the whole bottle
and then disappear without a second thought
i was lost for hours
hallucinations taking over reality
and my friend discovering me in the closet
no one on the phone
talking to myself

lately i’ve been able to handle
this mess inside my head
i don’t take my meds
unless i separately need them
soon 45 becomes 90
then 90 becomes 135
but i can’t bring myself to reveal
135 is enough for 3 months
i tell myself it’s a safety net
if there’s ever a reason
i’m not able to have them anymore
but i’m scared of the next low
along with the spiral that comes after
all of a sudden they’re all gone
and i’m on my way
six feet under

it’s getting closer..
i can feel the tips of my toes
wet and ice cold as they start to grab the edge
i felt okay
i felt peace
when did this feeling switch
those past feelings fleeted in an instance
my world started crashing
just like the sound of the water
directly underneath me
destructive thoughts invade my brain
i can’t do this anymore
is it even worth it

there is an empty void where my heart used to beat
or there is every emotion you could possibly imagine
sadness
anger
despair
hate
admiration
obsession
love
it’s all or nothing when it comes to how i feel
i’m sorry you have to bear the overwhelming weight
that i put on you
an unreasonable amount of responsibility
that you never asked for
and here you are
but why

i want to have a poetic death
the one where you stand on the edge
while the sun is barely peaking into the night sky
feeling the breeze kiss my skin
an unnerving calmness
falling through the sky
silently into the black river

i had just finished writing to you
words cannot explain how much i still miss you
your death hit me hard
i didn’t believe i could live without you
i don’t know if you hear me anymore
at first i could feel you
but you’ve disappeared into radio silence
i still tell you i love you every day
i put a crystal on your ashes
i touch it almost everyday
making sure to rub in the love essential oil
hoping i get to feel you or see you
just one more time
i light incense for you every now and again
to show you that i’m still here
i had almost lost hope
thinking you had finally left me
but when i ignited that fire
i swear i could see something
in the gray smoke that came about from the flame
a tiny halo appeared and slowly flew upwards
oh how i’ve missed you

i couldn’t be more grateful to you
you gave me a place to escape
fleeing from the abuse from my family
the feeling of not having a home anymore
the emptiness that has been left behind
from the death of my most beloved companion
right into the loving arms of you and your family
change feels impossible to me
i am unable to adapt to new surroundings
i can’t shake these feelings
these overwhelming feelings i don’t belong here
it’s been months and still
this loneliness and feeling unwanted won’t shake
it clouds my brain
begging to explode and always managing to
i’m sorry i erupt and it all spills onto you
please forgive the fire inside me
that comes out frigid

i was on top of the world today
with the feeling of being unstoppable
mania coursing through my veins
childlike with no ounce of regret
i can face every fear i’ve ever had
until i stepped into the dark
only then i realized that happiness is temporary
i sat on the edge and watched myself plunder
remembering a blanket of gray washing over me
everything i own drained of color
lifeless
watching my younger self turn to dust
realizing it was only a dream
a dream i wish i could play in forever
my aspirations and goals gone
my sense of wonder obliterated
thrusted into deep feelings of regret and loneliness
why am i like this
why must my brain sabotage every ounce of happiness i can muster

my mind is waging wars with me
i’ve lost track of how many years
my brain attacks every little insecurity of mine
creating new ones i never knew i had
i’ve lost this battle three times now
every little fiber in me is fighting
but now my brain is getting close to my heart
it’s slowly cracking into little pieces
one by one i’m scared there will be nothing left
and all these years will have meant nothing

i feel like i’m in the middle of a tsunami
the waves of the sea keep crashing in on me
pulling me under unforgivingly
over and over again until i can no longer breathe
i wish i could contradict myself with a happy ending
but there isn’t one
i no longer want to be saved
i want Poseidon himself to drag me down
into to the depths to lie on a bed of sand
and rest there forever

becoming a writer is hard
finding the right words
hoping people support your art
trials and errors of past loves
inspiring your writing
sometimes i feel regret
i regret some of the people i dedicated my writing to
but i look back and realize
that was my journey
all of the love
all of the hurt
all of the dedication
i don’t regret it anymore
art stems from feelings
thank you for the fleeting moments
because you all have inspired me

it’s hard having a heavy heart
a heart full of love that always seems to be taken advantage of
no matter how hard you try, you feel everything
all of the good and all of the bad
weighing you down or lifting you up
mostly it’s the latter
although it is mostly pain that i feel
i would never want it to be any other way
this heavy heart found my way to you
only when i was ready to feel everything again
no more drinking the feelings away
or abusing drugs given to me
i was lost, but then i found myself
and then i was ready to find you
and this heavy heart, despite all the struggles
has the chance to feel all of your love
your pain is my pain
your happiness is also mine
and everything in between
and i have never been so grateful to carry this burden
of a heavy heart

the silence is deafening
it’s where lies my deepest fears
the traumas of my past
i sleep with noise to help drown the silence
and then i met you
i still sleep with noise
but in the early morning when we wake
i feel at peace with our silent affection
lying there completely vulnerable
to all of my forbidden thoughts
but all i think about and hear
is your peace
it resonates inside of me
and i am so grateful for you

she had vanished in to thin air
nobody had seemed to care about her disappearance
even shortly after the attempt of her own life
she had angelic white hair
ocean blue eyes that could stop someone dead in their tracks
a devilish white grin full of temptation
until she was found
crumpled up on a mattress on the floor
half smoked cigarettes and empty bottles of *****
hiding in greasy and clumped hair
her skin sickly and wan
awoken by a figure with terror in her hollow eyes
relief washed over her when she recognized safety
still in a drug induced state, she said
"please help me, I've been *****"

today was beautiful
my therapists saw progress
i felt happy and free
but as i laid in bed to sleep
everything came crashing in
my heart and mind are in turmoil
what a fool am i
to think it could even last a day
i just wish for peace
and i envy those
who don’t have to feel my despair

it’s so hard to start over
you can be used and abused
over and over again
the thing about people like us
the ones who care
and love with everything we have
we are the ones who are most
taken for granted
yet it still feels impossible to walk away
even when you know
you are not wanted
you sit there and hope
even beg for their attention
with no response
sat on delivered
and messages read
but i promise it’ll pass
every day is a battle
but it is a battle you can win
it only takes time

it’s only been two days
my room feels cold and hollow
the space where you used to lay up on
remains empty
sometimes i think i catch glimpses of you
but that’s not rational
i held your paw as you took your last breaths
looked into your eyes
and told you how much i love you
i hope i gave you the best life i could
your undying unconditional love
helped me through my hardest times
it feels wrong without you here
but i find comfort
you no longer suffer
and maybe you’re in a better place
i will love you and miss you
to the day i die
thank you for endless cuddles
your screams of joy
whenever i would return home
and those precious moments
when you would give me the tiniest kisses on my nose
rest in peace my little angel baby

i love drugs
and i know that i may be hated
for this statement
if i could change i would
addiction is a monster
and it’s claws are around my throat
at all hours of the day
the saddest part of it all
i don’t even want to stop
my addiction will be here to catch me
when i feel myself falling through
the pits of despair

they say karma is a *****
and i’ve seen her work her magic
i try to project love and positivity
i try my hardest to make my loved ones
feel important and safe
maybe our world is too bitter
or maybe i am too kind
but i am getting tired
the same energy i so hardly
push onto the world
i keep getting knocked down
and not even by ****** situations
but being put down by my own family
maybe i should just stop being so soft
and turn everything off

when we had our first sleep
you warned me that you snored
at first i dreaded it
i thought of my uncles loud snores
how much they annoyed me
don’t get me wrong love
yours could be deafening
but after years without hearing it
it faded from my mind
i never realized i could miss someone’s snore
until i heard yours again

i miss the way your fingers felt in between mine
on our spontaneous seven hour car ride to another city
i miss being loved by you even though it made me completely blind
our love was toxic i know but it was ours

i see you struggling with your demons
you cry for help thinking no one notices
but i do
i see you
you put on a fake smile
you say you’re fine
sometimes that mask cracks
even if only for a split second
i wish you believed me
when i tell you that you are strong
you can fight them
but i also know how hard it is
to constantly fight your inner self
i haven’t been doing it as long as you have
and i am truly in awe
of what a beautiful mess you are
i need you to know that i am here
i will pick up all of your pieces
when the walls within your mind crumble

the image of you is slowly
disappearing from my subconscious
the way your mouth would curve
when you would get that devilish grin
the way your eyes would explore my body
the way your hands felt against my skin
how your lips felt against mine
i wish you had meant all the words you told me
i think we both believed them at the time
but like a light switches on and off
our light switch turned off
leaving my world dark
i got lost in the cold abyss
missing every second you weren’t around
to help guide me with your light
but i am slowly feeling my way
back to my switch
and the light will flood in and you
will be completely gone
the thought of that scares me
but spending my eternity in darkness
scares me even more

it hits you out of nowhere
one day he’s there
his broken brown eyes
so full of stories you’re dying
to dive deep into
he’s shown you parts of him
but only here and there
his crooked smile aimed towards you
a smile you could never get tired of seeing
speaking softly of his troubles
you yearn for more
but settle for what he’s given you
hoping time will open those wounds
he’s so deeply hidden
but time goes on
and the less you hear
a text or a short phone call
you beg for more
only to make a fool of yourself
and then he completely disappears
leaving you completely broken and confused
where did things go wrong
what did you do to drive him away
again you were not enough
but you’re wrong
it was never you darling
you are a force to be reckoned with
many will not be able to grasp that
and they will miss you when you’re gone
do not make yourself available
for those who will not put in the same effort
i will not lie to you and tell you that it gets easier
he was never sure what he wanted
you will still love him
but that love will be overpowered
by someone who truly appreciates you
and not just your body but your mind
how it works how it processes
how you perceive the world with such beauty
and every heartbreak will be worth it
because he will show you
how it truly feels
to be loved

you can’t force them to change
you can beg and plead for them to listen
but they will not put in the same effort
no matter how much you push it
with tears streaming down your face
and the hardest part of it all
is finding the will to accept it
and the strength to let go

people ask
“why do you hurt yourself?
why do you feel the need to
cut your own body open?”
i don’t do it for the attention
i do it because it makes me
feel alive
seeing the blood run
it reminds me
that this body is real
the scars don’t bother me
they tell a story
i don’t believe i am weak
because i feel the need to
open my flesh with a razor
emotional pain is just as real
as the physical pain i put myself through
it makes it easier to process
no one will understand
until they feel enough pain
to put their body through it
physically
maybe i am just drunk
or you’ll understand
exactly what i mean
there are others
i know i am not alone
but until then
my emotional pain will become
physical until i can make sense
of this everyday life i am supposed
to be okay with

i reached out
but no one answered
one two three
you know the rest
so i opened
four red lines
on the side of my hip
hoping and praying
that it would cure
the empty loneliness

“this is going to sound so stupid
i could feel it deep down
the second time i saw you
but i think i love you
and we won’t need to talk about it
please just forget about it”
i know it was hard for you
to speak those words into existence
make those feelings you’ve kept locked up
inside your unreachable mind
come out of those beautiful lips
i think you were drunk
which is why i couldn’t bring myself
to say those three words back to you
i just hope that i have shown you
that you have consumed my heart
i know you’re not ready to hear
those whispering words in your ear
not quite yet
but i do love you too

i don’t know why i jumped at the idea
when a stranger asked me for a drink
and i don’t know why i’m sitting here
three in the morning writing about you
all i know is that my time here is short
and you have showed me more love
in the past three weeks than some
ever experience in a lifetime
i don’t know what this future holds
but i am forever grateful that
we’ve explored many of our firsts
together hand in hand
even if it’s for one minuscule moment
in this journey we call our lives
i will never forget the way you made me feel

she sells her body to men
who will truly never respect her
she does it for the money
for the fleeting feelings
of the need to be

my favorite season
the beginning is so beautiful
waves of orange, red, and yellow
float softly to the flowing green grass
and then the wind picks up
light sweaters turn into heavy jackets
the leaves start turning to gray
grass that was once green is dying
i try to prepare myself every time
you drift back into my life
it's just like the seasons
it starts off so beautiful and warm
like the sun shining in your face
until something in you switches
and the wind sweeps me off my feet
all of a sudden you're gone
disappearing without a trace
leaving me confused and hurt
and winter sets in and the snow flakes fall
masking everything in darkness

it started as an itch
driving on the highway
thinking about how sweet
it would feel to have your
smooth, cold touch
panicked but calm all at once
i quit you years ago
but all i can think of
is the burning pain you gave me
and how so badly i craved it
to feel you dragging across my skin
is it sick of me to miss you?
is it even more sick
that i gave in

you knew what he did to me
how he used me up
until i was nothing
you watched me drown my sorrows
and how he made me hallow
you saw me break down in tears
confused as to what i was doing wrong
you watched him break me
and you withered your way into my heart
only to do the same

boys tell me all the time
how much they’ve fallen for me
and i care for them
fall in love with the idea
of us living our happily ever after
but then i see your face
and i smell you on everything i own
and i look in to their eyes
brown hazel or green
but they’re never blue
not like yours
their hair doesn’t fall the way yours does
and their smile doesn’t sit quite the same
and their laugh doesn’t sound like you
and i realize
you are gone
you’re still alive in my heart
but your presence is fading
and you slip out of my fingertips
although they mean well
and they want to love me better than you have
i still find myself craving your touch
will i ever stop missing you
i don’t know but i’m trying
and i will try every day
until i stop comparing them
to you

“come home to me”
but that’s not my reality anymore

home was in your arms
it was in that goofy smile of yours
it was in that husky voice saying “i love you”

but now she is in yours
and i no longer get to long for that precious grin
and i only get to dream of those lost words

so here i’ll lay
waiting for the day
that i’ll get to tell you i’m here
i’m home

i was so naive to think he could be different
i sat there on that patio staring
trying to make sense of my surroundings
you reached for my hand and stared deeply into my eyes
your skin was soft to the touch and your pupils dilated
your words calmed me and i couldn't look away
you told me i am charge of what i feel
if i let myself succumb to the fear
that's all i will feel
i stared into those big blue eyes and listened to your honey voice
and willed myself to let go of the panic
you saved me from what could have been
and to you i am forever grateful

maybe if i keep writing you into existence
it’ll be like you never actually left me

every day is the same
same empty bed
same blue honda
same exhausting job
life has just become a routine
nothing really changes
maybe a customer will change up their order
or maybe rain will pour down my cheeks
every day i wake up and go to bed
hating my life
eternal emptiness washing over my soul
consuming me until i can’t take it anymore
so i drink and swallow my sorrows away
a reckless cycle i can’t break
at this point i’m so accostumed to the
pain and suffering
i no longer care if anything changes

its been 52 days since i’ve last seen you
it’s been 1,248 hours since you’ve last touched me
it’s been 17,880 minutes since you’ve last kissed me
it’s been 4,492,800 seconds since you’ve last told me “i love you.”
now you’re just a ghost
lingering in the shadows
invading my dreams
why am i still here
hoping
wishing
praying
you’ll crawl back into my life like you always do
why am i still here
missing you