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 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
NitaAnn
Joke
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
NitaAnn
Hope doesn't always float.
  Sometimes it drowns you instead.
  I feel like ****.
  The ****-I-woke-up-again kind of **** feeling.

I despise people who throw these kinds of feelings
around like they are nothing.
  I grew up in where my feelings never mattered.
It ******.

Feelings were twisted to achieve what he wanted.
  And all that really ******.
  So I don't write these things without carefully
considering how I really feel.

But with all that being said,
because I know how bad it hurts
to remain on the living end,
I feel stuck with no options.
And little hope.

What if this is all there is for me?  
This vacillating between flat and the place I'm in now.
It hurts almost as deeply as the **** done to me
that got me here in the first place.

When I wake up and it's disappointing
I know I'm not on the right track.
  But when I wake up, I go through the motions
while thinking the whole time
how everyone would be better off without me
that's when I know there is no faking my way out of this pit.

This morning I woke up a mess and as the day progressed so did the mess
I didn't feel safe alone and that scared the **** out of me.
All of my typical reasons for not hurting myself were not working
and that's when I knew I had to say something.

I called DT and made the other appropriate phone calls.
  I promised to be safe.
  And because I keep my promises I will do just that
be safe.

But what will "safe" cost me?  More disappointment... even more pain... devastated hope... an ever deepening loathe of my brokenness?
Or the worst; revealing just how weak I really am?  
I hate this and how unjust it feels.
If someone lives through abuse isn't that enough?
  That is the cruelest joke.

I'm so scared that this is as good as it gets.  I can tell myself to keep going.  To keep fighting.  To hope.  But I also have this nagging feeling that the joke is ultimately on me and I suddenly find myself very, very tired.  Sometimes all the self pep talks in the world
aren't enough to make this spinning descent stop.

Just a huge joke that stupid, miserable people
hold on to in an attempt to feel better.
What if that's all hope is?

What then?
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
Mikaila
Robin
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
Mikaila
You had very kind eyes.
I have rarely ever seen a man
With truly kind eyes.
Rest in peace, Robin Williams.
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
M
The stars in her eyes
Blind me
with their sheer will to love and to learn
To experience
To live
But the bitter reminder of the creases in her skin call to me
Mock me
"She hasn't got much time left"
the scent of soggy cigarettes
fills my nostrils
and my stomach swirls in a queasy
tempest.
this is alien territory.
i built my bones around your organs,
always there to protect
your sensitive heart...
but my bones were malnourished
and they yellowed
over time,
until i could feel the decay
and knew it was the season
for you and i to learn different roles.
for you, you had to be your own anchor
and for me,
i needed to find relief
i needed to be free,
give my bones some exercise.
although, with your beating blood gone,
i feel empty inside,
absent are the things i've always known
but now there are horizons and trees
and birds and suns to hang in the sky,
with my bare
hands
all on my own,
a journey that is waiting
for my footprints.
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
brooke
i wrote in my diary:
where are you? where
are you? I click on pictures
half-expecting them to be
yours, with the full intention
of looking. Hey, how are you
doing? How many people have
you kissed? I try not to dream
about you anymore but we all
know how that goes.  I'm making
new friends, just thought you should
know. We used to tell each other everything,
why should I stop now? Both parties do not
need to be present for a vote, not for this vote.
not for this vote.

not for this vote.
(c) Brooke Otto 2014


word *****.
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
Marie-Niege
We are not okay ok.
We are breaking and you are stitching
and I am mending and trying
and we. We are not okay ok.
We are never okay.
We are always confused
and never okay ok.
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
Quinn
nothings
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
Quinn
I'm sorry that I can't
find the words to give you
everything that you want,
but that was never the point

with you everything is a point,
drawing blood with each
interaction and there is no
smile nor sadness in your eyes,
just glass

I wonder what you would do
with the words anyways, how
they might possibly undig the
graves that you sleep in when
you've forgotten what night is

I never imagined words meant
much in hell, but we'll say this
together now,

You've always known better than I
 Aug 2014 Nick Durbin
Setenance
never felt
so
alive
as when
i let
my body
lead
my mind

let the animals
lead
they
deserve to
no one can
do
what they do
listening to band 'animals as leaders' lol love em
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