I see the fine lines, webbed by your words
And the trail of comfort you have left behind.

I see you on the fabric, etched it warm and soft.

I see you in the wood, worn and cared.

I see you in the metal, loved and tended.

I see you on my skin.

I see where you have kissed and I see your gentleness.

I see you, my heart nothing but cup for my love.

I know not how to love thus,
For how can one love so fully

And still leave room for themselves?

How am I to walk this path?
I do not know myself,
Lesser still where I thread.

I am but uncertainty,
Darling, I know nothing
Not even myself.

How I fear -
I have said no lie.
I did not doubt a single word; then.

How can I express it,
It consumes my thoughts.

webs forming, nimble limbs
under the strain of convention,
there is a reaction that weighs the air
around us down.

and as hearts between again, practice
is forgotten and doesn't it always feel
like the first time?

again, we swear that we've never
felt quite like this before.

i find the beating nerve on my chest,
soothe it with words of indifference -

do not get attached to what is not yours;
do not hang your hopes upon the mantel of his presence.

i repeat them often; my mantra.
always unsure, as i call, jawbone queasy, if it is self-love or self-doubt that drives my anxious heart

it was not the ****** that woke my conscience
but the way you kissed the soft side of my thighs
that gave rise to a smile in the dim light of summer

i suffer through a lens
as i make my grief acceptable
and lets the pieces fall in pretty patterns

i carry the burden of my hatred close
to the memories of my love.

i carry the cruel words said in careless tones
how you never apologize for anything you've done.

i carry the weight of words from others
to whom i have never asked anything of, not once
for their words are never to help, only to tear something out.

you are so viciously wrapped in your own vitriol
that it spills out, and you hold my hands and say
'why are you never enough?'

i hold on to my words and i weigh them
on the scales of your design, i must measure
every sentiment least it be toss out
at the altar of your discontent.

and every cruel word is remembered
and i hate that a little love is chipped away every time.

you drag your feet through the desert
and tell me i've left too much sand on the carpet.

how long must you bleed before you drown in hatred?

all the memories of my past selves have claws
from the fingers i pried off of them

i try to let it all sink beneath my feet but
you throw them back like plastic,
saying 'they're drowning the turtles'.

your hatred is relentless and
i don't remember what i did to be on the receiving end

i bury the hatchet and
my heart that bleeds and still
has grave dirt on the corners i can't reach
tells me that this time it is enough

how much longer must i pay
for the sins of women i don't remember

the unavoidable emptiness of half hearts
always lingering where we should not,
and the variety of cynicism born
out of a desire to be proven wrong.

pressing up against your eyes, i see it too.
i see the reasoning slipping, my friend
you want it all too.

so recklessly we throw ourselves against the tides.

'prove me wrong, prove me wrong'
as the song comes out in a whisper that
perhaps nothing will ever be as good as it was.

i follow red threads
back and forth, i am hungry for a map.

as the walls seem to grow further and further away,
i follow the line.

i am ever walking towards something
timid or bold,
the pit is inevitable.

I begin to forget how I loved you
When filling up the space you left

And I watch you,
As you fade
To become only a ghost in my memories

iv.

i called you a brick wall
i hardly knew how right i was
until i shivered and pleaded
for some rhyme or reason
for the things you chose to break.

iii.

the wood beneath my back spins
i hold your hand for safety
and you break open the walls
with no intention of ever finding a door.

ii.

there is a shadow lingering in your words

my stomach knots but i let doubt sink deeper
knowing that it will fester

but eyes so earnest could not have been resisted

i.

it starts with a note on my forehead
meant to humble my roots.

and when i smile at you,
you regret the foot i have on the other side.

you will say
that i was a puzzle to fix.

with only shambles for a heart,
i grieve for the emptiness inside you
for it will swallow you whole.

and as we part, i will leave nothing
but new sands for you to drown in.

your touch was a sweet whisper
and you called my words a cure
for all that was broken inside you.

when my eyes were opened
i realized what you meant to rip away
was all the kindness
and leave nothing but the bitterness.

there is an odd storm in my chest
filled with missed steps and
there is always you somewhere

it felt like coldness, a january night
the feeling of certainty leaving my body

when the numbness passed,
and my chest was made of raw nerves
and the tightness in my throat
made my eyes swell
i am sinking.

with empitness, you assured me
you might have never loved me.

i was frustratingly
madly
deeply
recklessly
in love.

all on my own.
and you promised me stars
while you covered my eyes
and lied when i asked if that
was the sound of you leaving.

you left when you were still with me
and called an empty body a presence.

haunted by the ghosts of your memories
not even selfless love could spare you
the emptiness of that heart of yours

you said you loved my lows
but it was the storms that ate you.

you promised you wanted my sharp corners
but they reminded you of all your cuts.

you swore you loved me fully
but that love drained you.

you confuse intensity with lack of reach
and i am a too much for the likes of you.

but why then does it feel like you left
taking all my love with you still?

my heart aches.

my darling, i begin at the end
with leaps taken and the shreds for evidence.

you asked and i gave and such
is life.

i feel the drain upon my body
my heart already slowly broken and
my prophecies fulfilled.

i trace my stars of cassandra
and i wonder if i brought this ruin.

my love engulfed you and tore you apart
i am my own ruin.

i wrote always as a bystander
lives were words yet to be put down
a ****** of life and of the pain of others

the world was best experienced as tourist
never really there, just a stranger in a photo

'you'll barely remember me' i said
the sound of glass shattering beneath my heel

and i would wonder
'why are you so fragile?'

it was pain seen by a lens,
if i caused it, you'd understand
later rather than sooner
i need those tears to fuel my pit

how can i hurt if i'm not really there?
ghost of an idea you created
a fiction of smiles and words tailored

it was sweet when i was told
'you're softer than you look'
because how would you know?
i lie and i hide, i always warn but it's a
self fulfilling prophecy

i'd say i didn't mean
but i didn't care enough to think
so casually cruel, it was never me on the line.

i write this in confession of my crimes
because i've seen the result of what someone
more similar to me than i would like
did to you, my darling dearest

i'll mend you not to atone my sins
but to cleanse yours

it's care and concern that drip from these lips
and i make your pain ours, i make your frown
mine.

this is my love letter to you

i live in fear of
all things left unlived but
i do not fear you.

i fear fear itself and the end
which always comes but i can hear
it coming for me

always

i was made to stand lonely
but you see my pain and tell me
it makes you whole

this could be it, sunshine

in that moment I understood
the words of jealous men -

I wanted your body
To be cleanse from the touch
Of other women

And I understood holy rage

is it wrong that
the deep notes of your voice
calmed all the storms
inside my chest?

even the ones
that I can blame on you?

Dear you,

This is not my first love letter.
You will know I've written dozens -
Something no one knew before you

The first page was filled with the thoughtless wonders
Of my sixteen year old mind.
How romantic it was to consider that perhaps one day
The man I love would read them?

I threw them out with the rest of the things
I didn't think I would ever live fully.

So, dear you, how did we get here?

do you understand the emptiness
of love unlived and promise unfulfilled?

it is the emptiness of silence that could be filled
but isn't and words hang on by a thread

it is the casual indifference of never to be resolved
and the jolt of recognizing where you stand

no men's land on your own, waving a flag for quiet

poetry written by fingers
have you ever tasted anything so sweet?

you kiss my skin once
and leave a trail of fingers on my body

this has all been written before by history
and each other.

it is the comfort of youth to lay beside you
and know that if time leads us wrong
it will be a good memory

one day i woke up
and i couldn't remember
what it was like before you

The stars ooze from my chest;
You’ve taken roots and
This love call my bones home.

The perpetual surprise
It stings, it stings, stings.

Built only to break.

my heart bleeds poetry
it spills from every corner.

a heart that beats -
stubborn, against all remedies.

reason balms my ache;
sweet rationality says
‘just not meant to be’.

but it beats on and spills still
moon after moon,
it lives only to ache.

my heart bleeds poetry
only for you and I ask only
that it be still.

that is my tragedy.

fingers hover over keys and
i am, as usual, lost for words.
i cannot write about thing things
that really matter.

but i think to myself
' i need healing,
and peace
and quiet '

but you will no give me any
even if you do not know it.

i read somewhere
' if you want to let go of someone
do these things' it said

write a list of the things you dislike about them

so here it is:

you're always late even when you're early.
in fact
i don't think i've ever seen you be early
what the hell do you do?
how can you consistently be late to
everything the same way i'm always early?

that's effort to be that unpunctual.

you never finish sentences
because you're bored or you forget
what you were saying

you refuse to remember to do something
out of laziness and carelessness
and you said
' my parents tried '
not hard enough.

you keep thought hidden and
you lie out of convenience.
saying you like it when people
aren't politically correct.

i think you're just too scared
to say some things yourself.

scared?
lazy?
or just weak?

i'm not sure. but i don't like it.

you only help me when i'm sinking
and you don't like the way it looks.

you only seek me out when you
haven't seen me in too long
and you stumble on your words.

you never mentioned her in months
until you did and never again.

you never say her name.
why don't you ever say her name?
if it hadn't come up, would you have ever said
' i have a girlfriend'

i know how your voice sounds
when you speak about your sister
and your mother
and your father.

i know you eat together as a family
and your sister hasn't been visiting that often.
i could see the resentment on your face
when you told me about it.

you don't like sweets or chocolate
you always order coffee the same as mine
you thought it was strange that i didn't like bread
but you didn't seem to mind.

you said
' she's going to sit there '
and
' you looked worried, so i followed '
and
' we can talk about this at lunch '
and backtracked when i asked
how were we going to talk at lunch?
you had it twice in the common area
and left.

you don't like to be touched or touch
but you touch my arm and i've touched you
you didn't flinch.

you follow me around the room and
whenever i show up to talk to him
somehow you always end up by his desk

i walk in and you get up, walk around the room
either avoiding me or running from me

checking to see if i'm coming out to smoke
(yes i saw)

i dislike that you're doing this.
i dislike that i don't mind it at all.

iv.

This is a letter to those friends,

The ones I lost, the ones that stayed
The ones that I took and left
The ones I misunderstood without regret.

It was.

It just was.

And I can't say I don't regret it.
Because it aches still, when I revisit.

I know the words now but I didn't then.
How did I know I should have asked for help?

And this is ****** poetry and I lie to save myself
But for the love of God
I was so young then.

I was bad, bad, bad.
I was anger and wrath and pain
I was solitude and couches I didn't leave
And I was not taking showers and sleeping
All hours, all day, all week.

I was emptiness and grand plans
And empty promises and broken oaths

I missed you more than you have ever known.
I miss you still.

I miss you always.

I'm so sorry.

iii.

you cross my mind often enough
that regrets swallows me whole

and there will always be a part of me
that curses the former self for being
lost in the corners of a mind
thought to be misunderstood

i had no words, none left at all
i stumbled and never got back up

i had no words to explain
there was nothing but the sense of
vastness

and i was lost
and lost i stayed

ii.

my eyes cross the line between time
and distance and all there is left
is the vague memory of bittersweetness

i missed you more than words can express
i should have been better then i was
but i didn't know how to be

all was lost inside and all the spark was gone

i.

in the spirit of renewal,
i begin the journey

and find myself stuck

all these memories come alive
and i do not know how to tell you

i never forgot

you are so very far and
so very lost in time
and i often wonder if we've crossed
paths before

have i seen you with glossed over eyes
were you a face in a crowd i did not want
to see?

never do you mind.

i hear that it helps to write down,
so that it goes into the world
you'll follow that red thread to me.

or is it the other way around?

you will -

make me laugh, that way that
hurts the back of my head after a while
the sweet pain of hilarity.

and you will hold me when all
i want is to crumble and despair
you won't make it alright.

but you will make it better.

i don't mind if you don't talk
(too much)
i talk and walk and rave enough
for a crowd
let alone for two of us.

it really doesn't matter if you're
not tall or a little short, or
just my height.
all it matters is that you have eyes
i can lose myself in and a sweet smile

or is that too much to ask?

i don't ask that you understand
how deep the waters run
only that when they crash against me
you know enough not to crack me further.

i ask only that you know how to weave peace
rather than riots and war

i have a battle raging eternal
i have enough fire to keep us warm.

I stumble through my words
And I tell you my fictionalized truth

I meant it all but I mean nothing of the sort
I never do.

It was -

The way my chest felt compressed and full
It boiled and ached when you
Kiss me on the cheek.

It didn't feel right, I didn't feel okay.

I didn't know what to do,
So I verbalized my mistakes.

I counted them
Again and again to push you away
Hoping you'd be scared but you
Kept steady, you stayed and stayed.

And all I wanted was for you to leave.
I love better at a distance.

I will change the table
Someone so kindly hid under my desk
I will change it tomorrow
There's a trapdoor of sockets
And my chair keeps getting stuck

Tomorrow I will smile wider and
Not fiddle with my hands
I will not nod again and again
Like a bubble head on speed
When someone is speaking
I will not fear moving too loudly

When tomorrow comes I will
Be sure of how to wear my hair
And what to say when someone
Asks me if I've brought lunch

I will try to eat with company
Not hide in the restaurant that
You only know if you've been
There before

I will not cry at the thought of doing
This forever, for the rest of my life
During lunch, chainsmoking
My feelings even if my lungs can't take it anymore

Tomorrow I will not feel words
Dying in my throat

protected by doors with no
keyholes

i am a fort, doe eyes
bad lies and a certain flair

falling seamless, it's the silence between us
that i don't notice and
never did silence linger so easily
i forget myself rather than you and
all i remember is the way you filled up
the room

You enter uninvited and
Leave me at the door

You're all I've ever feared
Why can't I tell you I like your smile?