Muse hasn’t left my bedside for days:
         she races around
         the garden when I sleep:
                            it’s the only time she leaves,
                            she’s so loyal.
A few days ago, I heard Muse barking
         in the garden;
         I knew she’d seen the woodpecker again.
                       I’ve learnt the differences in her voice:
this is what comes of weeks bedbound.
But when the sedatives wear off
         I can do more than lie there:
                       I can feel the touch from my grandma,
                       I can smell last night’s family supper,
                                    I’m lucid.
Yesterday, the electroconvulsive therapy shocked my brain
                       today, my muscles feel as knotted
                                    as my oesophagus.
I’m on my back now; my only company
         is the ceiling; not even
                        the canopy of stars I once gazed at with joy.
                                      
© Sia Jane

For hours, I tried to sleep.
The rain drums down on the tin roof;
the demons are knocking.
I see their tears stream down the window;
a cleverly designed artifice to distract
from their true intent.
I ignore their subtle attacks, but they always
find a way back in.
I watch their shadows drift in through
the windows;
morphing from one shape into another,
hovering around me,
their whispered breaths cloud the air –
there is barely a space unfilled by their presence.
I can’t seem to chase them away, and I’m
wrapped up into their world.
Empty, cold and alone,
my reality remains stranger than any dream.

© Sia Jane

Here I am lying in my bed
In my favourite place to be
Listening to a good arrangement of sounds
With well articulated words
I could never speak
Letting it pull me down
Underneath the sea
Letting it drown me for hours
Breathing is hard
But I somehow find myself
Loving this feeling

I hope the day comes
The day I finally fall in love with this wonderful life
With the beauty that surrounds me

I want to feel privilege that I'm part of this sublime world
Feel each day as an exciting opportunity to be alive

To fall in love with someone who loves me as his girl and treats me as a human being
To make someone feel fortunate he still breathes whenever he sees me

Be in a place where it feels like home
Somewhere that will make me feel I belong

Oh master of chemistry
What wonders you devise
Some make us happy
Some save our lives

Sterile lab coat
In a white sterile cell
You toil all hours
To create the newest pill

We never acknowledge
Your struggle and strife
For the chemical wonders
That are part of our life.

When I concentrate
the ache goes away
and I am beautiful
with my ribs hiding
under this flesh
the extra body heat
that is so unnecessary
and I know the mirror
tells me lies and its
my brain that tells
me otherwise but the
act of resistance is
an addiction;
to deprive myself
is an obsession I
can't break I can't  
heal it's a disease its
a paradox, like me,
nonsensical, there is
no substance to it
only absence, no
release, there is no
relief.  The  voices in
my head are screaming
at me to not give up
to stay away to keep
my distance.  The more
I resist, the more
beautiful I become.
Does it tire me out?
Does it keep me alive?
I persuade myself to
believe that I will not
lose myself resisting
but then I am empty
and I feel the dark
engulf my soul that
fades away and my
mind begins to fight
with me, myself, and I
and then I realize that
I love the way I hate
myself not that I am
loving myself because
I have lost myself
I lost my way and
before I heal the fear
creeps in and hysteria
takes its toll and there
is pain everywhere and
I become completely
dark so that the light
can sneak back in and
light up my sky once again.
But I know the ache
always makes a reappearance..

You answered just a little too fast.
It surprised me.
I haven't seen you in about a year,
And I am realizing I've missed you.
It surprised me.
The last time I saw you,
And the time before that,
You were intoxicated.
It surprised me.
I haven't seen you in about a year,
And I am realizing what you are to me.
It surprised me.
You are a dress without hems or seams.
I hardly know you but you are beautiful.
You are the bullet in the rotating cylinder of the gun to my head.
You dig through my skull and explode my amygdala.
And force me to love you.
You are the jam in the barrel as I pull the trigger.
I fell to the ground in realization:
You both killed me and saved me.
It surprised me.

I often think about death. A lot people scared about death. but a few of people trying and wishing to die. I wonder how it feels like to die, is that good? or is it the best escape from all of this life?
but I thought death won't realize anything. I live in death, it's not good. it's *****. alone. small. invisible. and you were nothing but a small memories. no love. no glory. no victory. you were still alone, and no one listen to you.
so I guess death doesn't release you from anything. and death doesn't mean your heart have to stop beating. we life to fight ourselves and the whole world, and when we lose, there's always a way to come back to life.

Sweet nicotine princess
Darling you're divine
The way you sip so proudly
Your glass of red wine
Who will be your next victim
Will it be her and her golden hair
Or him and his blue eyes
The way he dances like Fred Astaire
Many catch your attention
But something seems amiss
This one's not so easily ignored  
Raven hair & green eyes you can't miss
And the feeling in your heart
That prompts you to change your ways
The feeling of undeniable love
From the moment you caught her gaze

Can't you see? Are you truly so blind?
The negativity that flows from your venomous lips only further poisons the world. Don't make anyone feel ashamed for loving something or someone. Whether you agree with it or not. Love is the cure, the answer, and the light in this world. Don't stamp out someone's light. Don't feed the darkness. Feed your light and let other's lights grow and watch the world become a bright and happy place.