I came here yesterday, and it was a lot later than usual.
I usually come from around twelve, and stay until around three.
But due to therapy, I came right after, so it was around two.
First of all, I figured my brain wouldn't fine anything wrong with it.
I still had my schedule, and I know what I like to do, so I was good.
At least, I thought I was good...
There was no left seating desk thing free in the downstairs area.
And since I prefer the left side to the right, I had find another spot.
There is a red couch near the audio books, and there's an outlet.
And since there was an outlet for my phone charger, I sat down.
But I found it would be hard for me to work on my Japanese there.
Because I knew I would have trouble concentrating right there.
It was in an open space, unlike where I like to sit.
So instead, I decided to go on my phone for a while.
Going on my phone is something I like to do at the end.
And since I was doing it first, I felt a little bit uneasy.
I made sure a video was uploaded to my YouTube.
Then I checked my social media, and was about to listen to Spotify.
But I looked over & the stairs leading to the upper level got to me.
And I got distracted by the need to see what was up there.
So I took a picture, put it on my Instagram & Facebook, and went.
I took the elevator the middle floor, and found the Quiet Area.
Then I walked up a couple stairs, and started looking around.
I did a little more snooping, then tried one of the computers.
I had to find one where there weren't too many people.
When I found it, I didn't know how to log on, so I gave up.
I went back downstairs in the elevator, & it wasn't even two thirty.
But I was already ready to go home, so I sent a text,
I sat outside for a while, and when I was told my ride was on the phone, I surrendered.
I told them never mind, and I went back inside.
I decided I needed to at least do my schedule, and went upstairs.
I went back to the middle floor, and tried the Quiet Room.
I found a spot, and worked on my Japanese workbook.
I liked it, but it still felt weird and uncomfortable.
I went to read in the outer area, but ended up going to the upper floor.
All the left sides to the little studying desks were filled up again.
So I found a little seat, and decided to sit down and read.
But I couldn't concentrate, because I wasn't in my "normal spot".
I wasn't sitting on the left, with my back to whoever, hidden.
Hidden by the little privacy that comes with those desks I like a lot.
So after a page or two, I gave up, and went back down.
Luckily, my ride was ready, so I said I wanted to leave.
After a few more minutes, I finally went back home.

And I learned something from that little experience.
I had set a strict schedule for myself, and I broke it a bit.
I went to a different part of the library, without doing my routine.
And because of this, and the time of day, it was too weird for me.
So I decided that I should only go every other Thurday.
Each Thursday when I don't have therapy.
That way, I go at the same time, and don't confuse my brain.
And today, I went at my normal time, but a bit earlier.
It was only five or ten minutes earlier, so it felt normal.
This is the right time for me to come, and I realize that now.
I found a left side that was free, where I like to sit, and sat down.
I took out my Japanese workbook, my library books, and set up.
I plugged my phone charger and got onto the library's WiFi.
I went for Spotify to listen to while I did my Japanese, but went with a YouTube video instead.
Both equally help me concentrate, so I was not confused at all.
Then, I read my books, checked my social medias, and came up here.
I decided that I would come upstairs and use one of the computers.
When I logged on, I realized I had a 120 minutes to use it.
And this is a lot longer than if I were to use one downstairs.
So, I made a decision about how to spend my time.
First, I check my mail, then I do what I want.
And after I'm done, then I go home.
I told my ride, and they know when to come get me.
So I've decided, my schedule stays the same, but I changed this.
All I changed, was where I go after I finish my reading and social media checks every other day.
Instead of staying downstairs, I'll come up here, and find a computer.
I'll do this every other Weekday, because I stay home on Weekends.
And that makes me comfortable, so I feel happy.
The people by some of the computers make me a bit jittery.
But I just tell myself that I'm not here to talk to anyone.
And this has been labeled as another quiet place, which is good.
I know no one is going to bother me, and that makes me content.
So now, I'm gonna spend the remaining 57 minutes that I have.
What am I gonna do during these 57 minutes?
Work on another story or two, then go home.
That's all I have to say, except for one thing.
This was entirely longer than I thought it would be, and I'm sorry.
Thanks for reading this if you did, and liking it if you did.

This might sound like a thing, but it's absolutely true.
The library is the perfect place to get away from all the noise.
Sure, the front desk can be a noisy spot.
And the computer keyboards might be loud when you use them.
But the private cubbies that always have your back turned.
So you know you will always have your privacy.
You don't have to worry about someone talking to you.
Everyone is here to studying, read, or just get away for a while.
And as I sit here, with 13 minutes of computer time left, I am happy.
I know that when this is over, I would have been here for 3 hours.
Well, not quite, but about 3 hours, I got here around 11.
And once my time is up, I will text my grandmother, and she'll come get me.
I know this, because that's the plan we made when we first did this.
Yesterday, I didn't have a plan for the library.
I just knew that I wanted to come here, if not the animal shelter.
The animal shelter is where I'll be going tomorrow.
But that's a different conversation entirely.
As I was saying, I came into the library at around 12:10 yesterday.
I didn't know what I was planning on doing.
Well, that's not true, I came here to get some Japanese studying done.
I sat down at a cubbie, put in my earphones, and turned on Spotify.
I played through almost a full playlist, and filled out almost two pages.
After that, I decided to put my library card to good use.
I found a few books, started to read one, and decided to check them out.
I wasn't even close to leaving, but I wanted to get it out of the way.
The self-checkout wasn't working, so my anxiety was tested.
I had to go up to the front desk, and talk to someone.
Now, I was very nervous, but the person was very nice to me.
I ended up getting a new library card, then went back to the self-checkout.
The first two books worked, but the other one wouldn't go through.
So I had to confront my fear of people for the second time.
I did, and finally had three books to take back to my cubbie.
I started reading a book on Anxiety, and started making notes.
Then I read my other book, then the last one.
Then I checked my social media, played on some apps on my phone.
Then, it was time to go, and I wrote down the order I had done it.
I went with that order today, but instead of the phone games, I came here.
I now have four minutes left, so I have to get going.
What I'm getting at here, is that I also wrote down this plan today.
And I plan on doing this every other day I come here.
What I'm trying to say, is that I was able to plan out my time here.
And I was able to do it on my terms, and I got things done.
The library is a really useful and friendly place.
Okay, I'm gonna go now.
Two minutes left, I'm gonna sign off.
The library is a nice and quiet place.
Enjoy the time you spend in whatever library you go to.
Okay, bye.

The word “identity” has two different meanings:
1. The fact of being who or what a person or thing is.
2. A close similarity or affinity.
I would like to focus on the first meaning.
My identity is based on who I am as a person.
It’s based on the things I do and don’t like.
My identity is based on the clothes I wear.
My identity is based on the way I choose to talk.
My identity is based on my thoughts and opinions.
My identity isn’t based on my Autism or Anxiety.
Some people say they’re identity is their Autism.
And if they’re happy with that, that’s great.
But I was just recently diagnosed with Autism.
And while I have had it my entire life.
I didn’t know anything about it.
I did, however, know that I had anxiety issues.
I’ve had anxiety for a long time, and it’s bad.
I can recognize when an attack is gonna happen.
This isn’t always the case, but a lot of the time, it is.
I know what helps me when I have an anxiety attack.
I have an understanding of what I can and can't handle.
My Autism, on the other hand, is still a mystery to me.
I know that it affects the way I think and learn.
I know it’s the reason for why I am sensitive to temperature.
I know it’s why so had such a hard time in school.
But I refuse to say that my Autism and anxiety identify me as a person.
I have known my personality way long never than both my Autism and anxiety combined.
This isn’t true for everyone, but it is for me.
This is the way I choose to approach my Autism and anxiety.
I’m Autistic, and I’m not ashamed of it.
I have anxiety, and I’m working ******* it.
But I’m not Autism, and I’m not Anxiety.
I’m me.
And I will always stand by this train of thought.
I know that there are times when my interests become my coping skills.
But when I’m not anxious, then they are just my interests.
When I’m having an anxiety attack, then they are the skills I need in order to function.
Right now, this isn’t a coping skill.
My writing this, isn’t a form of therapy.
This is an interest of mine.
I love to write, and was thinking about this, so I decided to speak my mind.
I’m happy to say I’m happy right now.
I don’t feel a bit of stress, and if I do, then one of my interests will be used to help me through it.
Until then, I’m just doing what makes me happy.
And I’m happy that I know myself well to recognize this.
You don’t have to agree with me on anything I just said.
I just ask that you respect that these are my opinions.
I’m an individual who just happens to have Autism and anxiety.
Alright, that’s all I got, I’ve just been in a writing mood over the last few days.

I know there are people who want to hang out.
People who would be willing to come to me.
I'm just not in the place where I can handle that.
Someone might ask why I don't hang out.
Why I don't go places I really want to go to.
Why I miss out on things I would like to be part of.
There's only one reason I can think of.
I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready for someone to come over and hang out.
I'm not ready to make plans to see someone outside my house.
I'm not ready to just go somewhere and have a good time.
The thought of that fills me with anxiety, and I can't say why.
I don't fully understand my anxiety yet, that's why I have therapy.
That's why I have a case worker talking with me.
I wish I had full independence, but I'm just not there yet.
And the reason for that is just one four word sentence.
I'm not ready yet.

I can't tell you when I'm gonna be better.
I can't tell you when I'm not gonna be tired all the time.
I can't tell you when I'm gonna have my anxiety under control.
I can't tell you when I'll be ready to hang out.
I can't tell you when I'll be ready to have someone come to me.
I can't tell you anything, because I don't have the answers yet.
And people might not understand that, but it's the truth.
All I can do, is what I've been doing for the last few years.
I keep going to therapy, I keep having a case worker.
I keep resting, I keep doing music with Neil, I keep walking.
I keep learning Korean, I keep learning Japanese.
I keep watching wrestling, I keep singing, I keep writing.
I keep doing the things I know how to do.
But I don't do the things that fill me with anxiety for one reason.
I'm not ready yet.

But don't worry about me, because I'm gonna be fine.
I have a support system, and people who understand me.
I know my true friends will wait for me to be ready.
Don't ask me to hang out, because it makes me anxious.
It's not that I don't want to, it's just because I can't handle it yet.
But when I'm ready to do something like invite someone over.
Trust me, it will be a major moment for me.
Because that will mean I'm ready to take that step.
Ready to do something without thinking about it.
And while I'm not there yet, I think about it all the time.
But there are other things that have to come first.
Just remember that it's not that I don't want to socialize.
It's not that I don't want to be someone who goes out.
It's not that I don't want to have complete independence.
It's not that I want to spend my life alone in my room.
It's just the one reason I keep giving in this long thing of mine.
I'm not ready yet.

Just know that if you want to talk to me, and I know you, you can.
I may not be ready to hang out physically.
And I may be uncomfortable with phone calls.
You can always text me, or message me on Facebook.
I'm always logged in, even if I'm not on, so just message me.
I may not message first, because that's just how I am now.
But if you know me, and want to keep in contact with me.
All you have to do, is message me, and I will answer.
And the moment I'm ready to hang out somewhere.
Or ready to have you come to me.
Then I promise you, I will tell you.
Just remember to be patient.
And that this is annoying for me to, because I have to deal with it.
But with the help of doing what I know, and being with family.
With going to my music sessions and having therapy.
With doing the things I like and am comfortable with.
There will come a day in the future when I'll finally be able to say.
I'm ready now.

Until then, just know that I am always here.
Message me if you want to keep in touch.
If I know you, then you know, I can be a chatter box.
And I will let you know when I can hang out without anxiety.
I'm not ready yet...
But one day...
I will be.

I have been trying to get back on track for a while now.
But it's been a few months, and I'm STILL not feeling fully normal.
I've spent the last few days feeling completely exhausted.
I don't know why, since I'm not anemic again, but I'm tired.
This is what I call "Autism sickness" or "Autism Illness".
But it hasn't gotten any better, if anything, I feel MORE tired.
I have to wait for refrigerator and car repairs before I can know why.
I'm just feeling tired and annoyed because I'm still tired all the time.
This isn't much of a poem, just more of a rant, I guess.
I don't know who even reads these things after they are posted.
I guess all I can do is post my little rants in this format, just to rant.
And if someone likes it, or can relate to it in any way, then thank you.
Thank you to anyone who reads this, if anyone reads this.
I'm gonna stop now, because I don't have much to say, I'm TIRED.

Why did you lie to me?
Why wasn't I good enough?
Why did you want me back?
Why did you say you loved me?
Why did you lead me on?
Why did you kiss me?
Why, why, why?

I don't know what to think.
These are just some of the questions I have.
Questions I will never get the answers to.
Because I still only feel hate when I see your face.
The thought of your name gives me anger.
And yet, I still wish I could talk to you.
To ask you all of these questions.
I just want to know why you did all those things.
I need to know why you would treat me like that.
When you knew I was so young and vulnerable.
You were the first guy I ever really fell in love with.
Just hearing your name used to bring a smile to my face.
Hearing your voice made me tingle inside.
Your kisses used to feel like heaven on my lips.
I told you about how I never wanted to have ***.
How I just wasn't into that sort of thing.
And you told me you would love me no matter what.
You even worked hard to regain my trust the second time.
Honestly, I didn't know I was in love, the first time.
We started dating, and I didn't know what I was doing.
So, when we broke up, I didn't feel much pain.
I didn't know how it felt, but I knew seeing you felt weird.
When you said you wanted to get back together, I agreed.
And as we spent our days together, I learned what love was.
I fell for you, fell in love with you, and wanted to be with you.
Then, on our first year anniversary, you broke up with me, again.
That time, I felt it, and I felt my very first broken heart.
That whole year, I was sad, and angry, but still, very sad.
That sadness wasn't good for me, because of how tired I was.
I was sick all that year, and losing you, that made me feel rotten.
That day, you were what gave me strength to go to school.
And when we broke up after school that day, it hit hard.
That whole year, I couldn't help but be sad and depressed.
Every time I saw you, my heart broke again.
I couldn't go into the cafeteria, because you were in there.
I couldn't stand to look at you, because you hurt me so bad.
At graduation, I looked at you, and you barely looked back at me.
Then, that summer, you contacted me on Facebook.
It had been so long, but you messaged me, so I messaged back.
We talked for a long time, and you told me you regretted it.
You regretted breaking up with me, and wanted me back.
I made sure you were serious, and you told me you were.
You even told me you would pinkie swear to never hurt me again.
And foolishly, I fell into your trap, for the third time.
They say third time's the charm, but not this time.
I take pinkie swears very seriously, and you broke yours.
Just a few months before our first anniversary, you texted me.
You started telling me you were scared, then said you weren't.
You admitted how you really felt, you had lied to me, again.
I tried so hard to get you to realize how much you meant to me.
I tried to get you to see how much you loved me too.
However, in the end, all those memories, they did nothing.
I made you a memory book, recapping all of our memories.
I made dozens of notes, and put them in that book.
I told you to read them, but you said, you didn't feel anything.
Those memories, those notes, they meant nothing to you.
Once again, you broke my heart, and I asked you why.
I asked you who made you think it was okay to do that.
What made it okay for you to throw the word love around?
And you said your dad, the man you didn't want to be like.
The man you hated, you did what he did, for the third time.
And now, I don't have a broken heart, I did the first night, though.
But now, all I feel is hatred, anger, and uncertainty.
I ignored you when I saw you at a winter concert at school.
Because I was still so mad at you for what you did to me.
And now, that anger hasn't gone away.
That's why I'm writing all of this on here.
You don't have this, so you will never see it.
But maybe, now I will stop seeing you in my dreams.
Maybe I'll be able to think differently when I hear your name.
Right now, all I can do, is type down all of this.
Type all of my thoughts, knowing you will never find out.
This is all I can do, because if I message you, it might happen.
I might fall into your trap again, another broken promise.
And I can't do that, I won't do that, I refuse to do that again.
I refuse to be another toy for you play with again.
I don't take the word love lightly.
When I said I loved you, I said it, because I meant it.
Whenever we kissed, I felt good, and I thought you felt the same.
Sometimes you wanted to kiss me for a long time.
Then you would hug me, then kiss me again.
You kissed me just right, and I felt so good.
As I type this, I can imagine it, but I know it will never happen.
I know what I thought we had, never existed in the first place.
Those feelings, they were one sided, and yours, they were fake.
I was real, but you were fake.
And now, I will never see you again.
And I will never forgive you, for how you played me three times.
I just hope that one day, when you meet a girl, you won't play her.
I hope you actually fall in love with her, actually care about her.
You say you cared about me, but you never did, not for a minute.
When you meet that girl, don't tell her you love her, if you don't.
Don't throw that word around like it's an every day word.
Because, between two people, it has so much more meaning.
The word describes the way you feel about your other half.
I thought you were my other half, but clearly, I was wrong.
Which is why, I hope you don't hurt the next girl who loves you.
I hope you are real, I hope you mean it when you say you love her.
Please, don't repeat the cycle you created with me.
Because, if you do, you will never have true love.
And for me, I am now scared to fall in love with someone.
Because I'm afraid they'll be lying when they say they love me.
But I hope I find the right guy, who means what he says.
When I ask him if he means it, I hope he tells me the truth.
I hope he doesn't lie to me, the way you did.
I hope he takes the word love as seriously as I do.
And unlike you, I hope he steals my heart, then keeps it.
Take care of yourself, and be better to the next girl.
That's all I can say, before I start repeating myself.
Have a nice life, and find happiness, real happiness.
Well, I'll end this, the way you ended us, "Goodbye, forever."

It's been a lot time,
since I've been on here.
Things have changed,
and school is now over.
Graduation came and went,
now I get to stay at home.
I haven't been on here,
in a very long time.
I don't know if anyone sees me,
or even cares when I write on here.
But I love to write,
have since I can remember.
So I will do my best,
to keep sharing my feels on here.
Where I can do so privately,
without revealing personal info.
Hello again, everyone on here.