I often find myself asking the question: what did you have to gain by causing me so much pain?

I was blacked out and unconscious from an overindulgent 21st birthday,
And you messed up my mind, body, and soul in the worst way

I trusted you and considered you a friend,
But that’s not where you wanted it to end

That night, you did far more than cross a line,
You forced your body to intertwine with mine

Today marks 18 months since you ***** me,
And no length of time or amount of therapy could ever set me free

Your need for control seeped out slowly,
like an unnoticed ceiling leak
Everything is fine,
until it no longer is

You told me that you didn't want to hurt me,
but that it might inadvertently happen

I should have heeded your warning,
but instead took it as a challenge

That was my first mistake

If sober enough, coherent enough, strong enough I could have fought or yelled out; I would not have allowed that to happen.
If decent enough, human enough, controlled enough,
would he?

I love you the most in goodbyes
    When I see the sadness in your eyes

I love you the most in a tight embrace
   When a smile creeps across my face

I love you the most every moment of every day
   When you know how to make me feel 'okay'

Opposites attract but never last

But you’re not someone I can leave in my past

Smells, forever influenced by the unwanted scent of you.
I still smell it sometimes, when I pass someone who has the same (unfortunate) taste in cologne as you do
…
Grocery aisle 13 for baking needs, I’m almost at the spice section.
There’s a brunette man 10 steps in front of me, it is clearly not you.
I am a couple steps past him now, my face flushes, heart beat races, palms sweat, fear running rampant through my veins.
He smells of you, and my body has an instant reaction: Fight or Flight.
I keep walking towards the spices, but I need to look back and make sure.
I need to check that it is not you. I need to know for certain.
I know it’s not, he was brunette and you are blonde, I keep telling myself, but this thought is relentless.
I give in, turn around to check, and it’s not you. He’s brunette, older. I knew that, but my body didn’t.  
My body didn’t because it was tricked by the smell of you on him.
Like the smell of you on me. The smell of you on my sheets.
…
That one smell triggered a memory.
A memory of you on me, in me.
Fade in.
Now it floods back. Not just the smells, now what I saw, felt, heard, tasted.
Smell: your cologne mixed with your sweat and the alcohol on your breath
See: you on top of me in the red/orange glow of my Himalayan salt lamp in my dark room
Feel: the air on my exposed skin. the sheets on my naked body. your breath grazing my ear with each ******. your body on top of mine, you inside of me, spreading my legs wide open.
Hear: you breathing heavily, grunting occasionally
Taste: the alcohol on my breath
Fade out.

We never thought we make it this far,
but then you had to go and ***** it all.

You cheated on me with two girls,
thus risking if I'd still be a part of your world.

Now I am left with a tug of war between my heart and my head.
I would not be in this position if you had not taken them to bed.

mixed messages is the only language you speak