I can have anyone I want,
but all I want is you.
That ever out of reach object of my attention.
The moon I can't capture between my fingers.
The ever running tide from my shore.
Why do you run from me?
Or, more correctly,
Why am I chasing you?

My mind is hurtin'
from the words that were said
I can see your body
still imprinted in your bed
memories gone by
thinkin' they are dead
45 years of a sinnin' life
and my veins have all been bled

I had three children
and he was the other one
the only  two men I'd ever love
turned out to be my only sons
I was a lovin' Mother
I was a lovin' wife
the only two things that
I got right
in this... God-forsaken life

Hey Heaven
won't you open up that pearly gate
I'm hoping there's still a chance for us
and you & I
can end this hate
No I ain't no Holy Roller
and I know that it's your thing
But every once in a while
you
might wanna...hear me sing

I sang to you darlin'
when you were just a boy
when everything in life
looked like another toy
I wrote down those lyrics
in a favorite ol' song book
so I hope you open it up tonight
and give our life,
a second look...

Hey Heaven
won't you open up those pearly gates
he's standing in the front
so tall at six foot eight
Oh, I ain't no Holy Roller
but I'm askin' of the king
if I can join the angels
when they come to you and sing

I'm tired of wasting
and our time is growing old
I got more to say dear
our stories should be told
was ready for the lake of fire
and hopin' for the land of gold

I'm raising voices
and I'm not the only one
you and I we share this sound
and it's been a real good run
sang country, blues and rockin' roll
hell...
it was a lotta' fun

I sang for my lovers
and  I sang for my friends
times so sweet that I recall
remindin' me of when
I'm askin' as I go,  
and I'd do it all again

Hey Heaven
won't you open up those pearly gates
I hope you're not closing
I hope I'm not coming late
No...I ain't no Holy Roller
but you know
I can't stop this thing
and every once in a while
I see you when you smile
and I know you  like...
to hear me sing


Cherie Nolan 2016

Clear is not innocence, clear is lack of justice. Clear is ****.
It is ****. Is me, is clear, is vacant, is *****.*


They took my sweater first. Cardigan. Blue, bought it on a family trip to Florida (on sale). I was fifteen. 15.

15 years old and they paraded it around the basement of my classmate’s house.

Parents not home.
The Home in the suburbs. Classmate’s parents going through a divorce
(very quietly).

They kept alcohol in the closet.

15 years old and He took my sweater first. I think his name was spencer.

I can’t remember- they were feeding me , helping me to breathe in grain alcohol. Soak it in. Clear. Almost water not quite water looks like water. Breathe. Breathe drink breathe drink . 15

I didn’t know how to drink. My first time drinking breathe drink breathe no more breathing heavy breathing they took me into the bedroom upstairs.

What happened there . The strangest thing I don’t remember woke up the next morning not my shirt WHERE’S MY SHIRT. **** my sweater can’t find it.

wearing someone else’s socks.

The socks are black with rubber grips on the bottom

i was screaming,
right out loud,
as loud
as i could.

crying for
my gramma,
because she
is gone,
and she is
someone that
i loved.

and as
i was screaming
her name,
my phone lit up,
vibrated,
and made a sound.

it was my sister.
and at that moment
my little ham,
my own little nephew,
blood of my blood
had realized
that he was
going to
die
someday.

and now i
can't breathe,
for the absolute
severing of my heart.