i did the best i could,
for who i was,
at the time.

i know i’m not supposed to admit that i’m nervous
but those nerves
they’re eating and burning
but i’m gonna harness
those nerves and spread
that energy into wings and
i’m gonna tell you this
but it’s so rarely true.
those wings are in my stomach and they’re beating out
a song sticking in my head until i can’t hear
anything else.
like creatures
hunched into the shelves of my ribs
they fly
and carry me higher with them.
i’m fine.
just a little airborne.
never yet on drugs,
though plants are my dear friends, since i might be one
too a wallflower a girl said they are
boring
dull
full of fault for playing their own portrayal
and here i stared, my mind staging its own betrayal
because i do have petals. petals in the shape of wings
and those wings deep inside of me
beating
gently and softly into a storm.
i’ve only sat in the bathroom stalls once or twice,
just to relearn how to breathe.
i’ve almost risen more,
this week my mom asked if i’ve been feeling anxious lately
and finally
i could say no.
i’ve never cut lines to let the butterflies out.
but i’ve written them down.

and at this point...
standing in a college library in the middle of an unknown (to you)
city i knew
it was easier to drink alcohol than to say no.
no one actually cares about the years you have survived here.
it's easier to drink here
to **** -fill, i meant fill- my skeleton
with buzzing poison
'cause why not?
and i haven't seen her since december
thank God
less pressure on my ears replaced
by sinus pressures.
but
i read the texts from a boy who was supposed to care about me
and i knew it was over
'parentally he was sober
yet i couldn't tell.



i could be drinking right now,
nineteen in a week,
no worries except i'd be in a corner
my hands shaking, skin breaking, his hands snaking-
and i won't let myself fall
into my own traps.
i am standing up
and leaning against my bedroom wall
head spinning but
i said no,
so many months ago.

my lips are chapped, my skin is pealing, my thoughts are ripping
into pieces
i asked you where my chap stick went
please blink back
to at least let me know that you heard.

i am full of everything possible and the bathroom smells like vinegar and fresh paint
brushed along my skin
when will i hear your voice again?

See.                    I'm.                                
No- ­                     fi-                                   I  
   thi                   ne.                             was
     ng                  I'm.                        up
        is    ­            Go-                   rea-
          wro-          od,                 lly
               ng.      Okay            late.
           I had a snack before I came.
             The.                              I'm
       make.               I'm                Just
up.                          Not         ­         Tired.
Makes.                  Broken                      I    
      ­ Me                                           Don't
           Look.                                 Feel
                   pale.                Well.
                   Yesterday was great
              I just.          I'm            I just
          Had.                Ha-            Like
      A bad.                ppy.               The
Sleep.                                               Style.

These are the threads
Of my web of lies
That I build above your heads
Strenghth ending everyday

My common day lies
Spun like spiders silk
Drifting unbroken in the skies
So plain it stands hidden

Entwined strings of excuses
To form a mask from the world
With a million uses
To fake that I am whole

Because I am the spider
Creeping through the day
Dangling off silk as my web grows wider
Trapping all the flies

so many voices inside my head
is this the Spirit, please don't be dead
what is your name, or are you mine
can't i breathe or are you a lie?

it's too easy to hear your voice
or are all the words just my choice?
is all i hear a siren's fear
or your love and warmth drawing near?

have i assigned to you any name?
are you God or just a random train?
a wish, a fear, a demon first?
i'm trying 'cause for you i thirst.

i can't trust anyone else
not myself or other clean enticing filth
but i cant always tell you apart
is this my flaw or abstract art?