This year will be bigger and better and involve less time in bed or possibly much more and this year will be loud and there will be bright lights and high heels and there will be hand holding and so many ******* hugs and I will eat pasta because I love pasta and I will not feel bad about that and I will make plans and then not cancel them and I will show up despite the knot in my stomach and I will laugh way too loud because I can and that is a beautiful thing and I will treat new acquaintances like old friends because people like it when you do that because it makes them feel good about themselves and I will make people feel good about themselves because that is a beautiful thing and I will feel good about myself because I deserve that and I will eat three meals a day and exercise and sleep eight hours a night because I deserve that and I will buy an unnecessary but adorable sweater every now and then because I have earned that and I will tell people I love them because they have earned that and they deserve to hear that and I will mean it when I tell people that life is great because I deserve that.

haven't had it in me.

I feel the need to use the word broken again.
Because I hope he breaks me
like a stallion,
but I don't think he could love me
when I'm broken in.

"I hope you're saving those"

Dare me to,
I want to split my
obsession
of language between my sides.
And when he pulls my heart from the right of me
and stares at all the ****** pieces
of what is left of my body,
I will say
"oh my god.
'It's been so good, my god, this love has been so good."
His eyes are the only christmas lights
I deserve to see all year long,
up against the midnight black of the coffee he drinks,
his blue eyes against the rose of my wine.
And when I finally
feel the splash of his lips
against
mine
the splash of his lips against mine
(melting me like a sugar cube)
I may feel the tug of red strings
between my heart his,
and in a sweet symphony and unsaid morse code,
"this has been what I've always needed,"
dots and dashes,
"this has been what I'm waiting for."

One day I’m going to see your stormy, blue eyes again and they will flash with recognition of my face and I will try telling myself that seeing you again is not fate.

someday,
i'll wake up and be glad i did.