i don't know my own name some nights
when i'm sober and by myself and slightly chilled, exhausted
it's mine but i don't feel it's mine
i don't feel like anything at all
but tonight I'm not sure
feeling nothing used to be bad
but being nothing feels like it might be relief

putting perfume on before bed,
dancing in my daydreams without my muscles being sore
because there, I actually have the motivation to stay stretched.
>sometimes it feels like i'm ******* with my destiny,
as if i knew what i was supposed to do,
and it wasn't exactly this.

make life about spontaneous, soul-screaming youth
before time gives you wrinkles and youth forgets about you

stop thinking about life's pointlessness
remember when you taught me how to skate off a curb
and it took me ages, i was such a ***** about it
but i finally did it
and we leaned against the bricks
and it started to sprinkle, i think
but you still kissed me before we walked out of the rain

i hope i skate with you again, i hope i'm not so afraid this time,
i hope you'll still kiss me in the middle of the day

i have a weakness for the feeling this love makes
for good pens and cool hikes and blank pages and new music
i have a weakness for the dim blue light in your bedroom from the tv we pretend to watch
and i have a weakness for the way you sometimes softly speak your thoughts
i have a weakness for tree trunks i can't wrap my arms all the way around and for car rides with the windows down
my knees go ******* weak every time you touch me and i bite my ******* lip every time we make eye contact and all my peripheral vision sees is the ceiling, i have a weakness for blue eyes and blonde hair
for striped bed sheets now, for bass guitars and the little habits you keep
i  have  a  weakness  for  the  feeling  this  love  makes,
i get so weak i'd crumble up my rib cage just to prove you have access to my heart
but the miraculous thing is
this feeling of weakness that comes with love
is incomparable to the way that you make me strong

I'm such a ******* idiOT
I want to be nothing
I want to be bone
I'm ******* tired, but
the clock is ticking so fast

i found the perfect song
i cleaned my room,
about to go clean myself up
my neck hurts
i imagine the sky looks great tonight,
sometimes i wish i still had to sneak out to see you this late
(but if you still love me in a few months, i could sneak into your dorm)

I wish I'd start smoking cigarettes and giving up.
I'd cross my legs, ash tray on table,
and
sometimes
i miss my friends
and sometimes i miss the ones i still have

The moon is almost full
I am still on my first cigarette and I've got all night to use my brain
Right now let me just inhale and think with my heart

twisting my ears to try to open up my brain
it's like the sound of waves against rocks
bashing fists against skulls
i miss you already but i'll always take the pain over forgetting

I write a bunch of sad things in my notebook, and if I die tonight,
that's all you'll have to remember me with-
my depression.

I want to leave you with more than that.

I guess yes,
Maybe I'm depressed or something.
That small level of having to do a lot and not wanting to, unable to move or hydrate or bathe,
But I'm convinced I am usually lied to and idk what I want except mostly everything and also nothing at all.
Scared because I've made a best friend with the man I love, who I hardly get to see at all and when he is busy living while I am alone 4 hours away and depressed I feel a bother
the sun is finally out but today I am going to lay in my room in the dark
Enjoying the weather for cigarette breaks but that's about it.
Get someone better bc I am lately a ******

don't you ever get dizzy
letting the earth spin you in circles
I bet you're tired of the highs and lows of the tide
If only you could pull the moon a little closer,
whisper in its ear, ask it to take it a little easy on you
I'm on the beach, I come and go as I please.
Lately I've been sticking my feet in the water
and I'll try to whisper to the moon for you
but it doesn't listen to me, either.

my whole life has been inside parentheses
a side note
can't say i mind
i'm comfortable living in the sidelines
less traffic here
still plenty of excitement when it's not in the spotlight
they're the memories we store in boxes in the back of our closets
they're the photos we pin to our wall but don't look at that often
they're the thoughts written down in unkempt journals we'll put in a drawer or pile under our bed when the pages are full
and i can be your parentheses
i can be the memory you store away one day,
occasionally fondly looking back and ruffling through
and touching the corners of photographs
(but not admiring for too long)
(I can be your parentheses)

i wonder if it will take 100 times to get tired of me
200, 400 times of
love-making or
rough *** or
"give me your dirtiest version"
"i want you so badly i wish i could teleport hundreds of miles to you tonight."
i don't know why i think sitting passenger in my car smoking newports will eventually get boring to you but baby stay a while and i'll do it just how you like
let this last and i'll touch my tongue to your sweet spot

i'm sorry i'm not prettier
mechanically rubbing my eyes to say goodbye to the day
(today's thoughts, please leave me alone tomorrow)

all this babbling on about purpose
yeah right,
like any of us have a reason to be here/
we just exist and take up space
and do what we do
but not always well
and i just want to be good

If my room was clean
candles were lit
If we could forget about
the lives we live
you'd be here right now
I'd trace your spine
the night would be ours
forever.

sometimes i drag myself across linoleum floors
let my fingernails scratch the surface
(or try to)
and i want you to leave scratch marks the next time you kiss me..
at least with you my eyes flutter instead of droop

hello, it's later than i wanted it to be and i haven't tried to close my eyes yet
and i've been holding in **** for the past couple minutes,
i just think i think a little bit too much
about what you might be thinking about
i'm not sure i make sense
i'm not sure i like myself.
my wisdom teeth are really poking through my gums
i keep touching them with my tongue and it's later than i wanted-
i'd like to lay in grass under the sun holding your hand,
sorry for the cliche
sorry i'm a stereotype
i'm not sorry about any of this
i can't wait to hold your hand again
i can't wait for the sun
when i think about it,
when i really look around and appreciate..
how is anything ever boring

drowning as a cliche
hoping a wave might catch my gaze
and pull me all the way under
(I am all the way under your covers)
wearing black as a default
maybe looking like a bruise will get rid of my black eyes
they've got dark circles from dreaming with them open
(I am awake for some of my best dreams and worst nightmares)
cracking my bones as a hobby
i like it when you're around to crack me, too
crack me open, apart
until my ribs loosen and fall across your carpet
where we'll float in thick salt water
and wait for another wave of covers
because your bed sheets might always be a little tangled
and mixed in my long blonde hair

your sheets add a nice scent to it

I have always been mediocre at best
but you never make me feel that way.

I feel like I've changed so much in the past two months,
now I'm constantly changing
(it's okay to change)
(right?)
now i let myself have nightmares
and somehow I've lost some friends and gained some new ones
and somehow
I'm letting you in
but not even I know what you're getting into

being an adult feels like a joke
as if cigarettes or **** will change much
as if lotto tickets and *** and no driving curfews
will make me feel mature enough
to be considered an 'adult'

but being 18 feels pretty alright so far,
spending my first day of this new age
with you

UGH JUST THINKING THAT I AM TOO MUCH,
I CAN BE TOO MUCH
I CAN FEEL TOO MUCH
I want to be with you
all the time
and sometimes I feel like I should feel sorry for feeling that way?
feel sorry for feeling
but mainly tonight i am just apologizing to myself
for not going to bed earlier

how is it that you can be in love and think you have met the single greatest human,
and then you're not in love anymore and you suddenly meet so many new people
(they smell the single on you, i swear)
and a lot of the time they're boring
but then there are multiple kind souls and maybe you can make new friends and maybe not everyone ***** and maybe life is a continuous spectrum of meeting people your dumb young self promotes to the "greatest."
we are all young dumb ****** up vessels just
...trying...
hoping connections last and hoping the greatest one falls into place,
at least for a little while until you grow out of each other again
and start over

sorry i'm not pretty enough to be delicate
(sometimes my hands shake but i still don't look fragile)
i'd rather look like nails and a hammer anyway

I am one of those girls that picks scab into scar
because I like to leave marks
wherever I go

**** it
Wish my walls would stop creaking and i would stop dreaming of sleeping somewhere else (I am in too deep for a boy who doesn't like me as much)
And tonight I daydreamed of peeling off each layer of my flesh and pinning it to my cork board so I'd finally hang up something original (lol it's probably already been done)
I am going to go to sleep in hopes that time will either stand still for a bit-so I can forget my stupid dramatic selfish thoughts, or fast forward-so all of this can be done with.

god the way you say my name
(or anything)
is the reason i feel compelled to write the way it makes me feel

if i don't write it down
what if i don't remember it
(holy **** i'll remember it)

I'm 24 but haven't thought much about it yet.
Still poor and unsure.
Sometimes bored and unmotivated.
Sometimes inspired, consuming media and art and thinking, wow, how do humans really create this? I feel like I could create something good someday...but will I ever have the money, will I ever dedicate the time needed to fulfill the potential that I feel I have?
If not, hopefully i have fun regardless...is that more important? Is that more successful?
Anyway.
I'm 24 and disconnected.

You tell me what you think
I'll stare back, maybe nod my head
I am older and still not wiser,
I crave less and less but want more
Most things seem unattainable - is this where it starts?
Is this growing up and losing hope? Has reality finally set in and I've realized that in order for a dream to come true, you have to first fully realize what that dream actually is, and it has to be so specific that you can taste it before it's even accomplished?
At 25, I'm unsure I ever really knew how to dream, then
All of my desires are so vague, maybe I've convinced myself they're more likely to happen that way

Your scent is clinging to me
and I taste your salt.
It is too late for me to be thinking of you rather than dreaming,
too late to want to dance, but god,
if I could dance in my sleep,
my pointed toes would put holes in my covers.

Hands a little shaky
I'll drink water and rest.
I'm not sure I deserve it
But I'm obsessed with shaky hands outlining a jaw bone.
And my hands steady as I stare off in space daydreaming alone in my car, smoking
wondering if you're going to have a moment thinking of sitting next to me somewhere by water today.
I'll float out there next time
Body light in the middle of a lake
Hands still, resting on my stomach
Swim back to shore and hands explore in the dark for my ******* mixed in with a pile of both of our clothes

Sometimes life goes by slowly
but sometimes when the music is playing and the car is parked
and the rain is bouncing off the windshield
giving us a background hum that reminds us that we're on planet earth
(so I don't drift too far into the air)
sometimes life goes by fast
and there isn't enough time to get in all of the things I'd like to say
(I also don't know how to say them)
and you gently press me against the passenger seat
and even though time stands still in these moments,
sometimes life goes by fast.

the first boy that kissed me without any warning
now kisses a girl that used to be my best friend
he shoved his tongue in my mouth while i was crying
i laughed and said, "this doesn't count"
got on my bike and rode away

the first boy i willingly kissed
i broke up with after letting him finger me for a year without any blow jobs in return (eventually i was comfortable enough with the idea, but ****, how awful of me)
and the summer after he cried over me he got back with his ex
(i was the mistake in the middle of them)

the boy that i kiss now
makes me bite my lip
and i miss him every second he's not around
because this love makes me hysterical
and i never really know what to say at the right time in the right way
so i just press my palm to his face
and hope he gets the message

i'll stop expecting much
i won't ask too many questions
i'll just trace your lips with my fingertips
and work for the attention
>>let's just have fun<<

I wasn't going to write about you
but then I thought of your lips and smile
I thought of your infectious laugh
and your scent that I can't get out of my clothes
(I'm glad it won't go)
I thought of the back of your neck and the base of your hairline
and your electric blue eyes-
I wasn't going to write about you
but I tend to write about scary things

if we could churn things out in seconds,
i'd make you a tape of my top 3 songs I'd want to ******* to.
.It'd start with something fast-paced,
a song that would be standing up
a quickie but a "we can't help it, we have to right now" quickie,
not sloppy, just fast-paced.
loud and intense and back against the wall, hair grabbing, *** grabbing,
guitars blaring in the background, the beat matching my heart racing as you bend me over
.but the next song would be slower. It'd be the nights we didn't plan on it,
the ones where we already said goodnight and we tried to go to sleep
but I accidentally rolled closer into you and couldn't resist one kiss on the cheek
which made me want to kiss you more and then we're accidentally ******* and ending up having to say goodnight again.
Probably an acoustic, lyrics something about love.
.The next song would be classic. Something you're not allowed to really hate because it's by an artist you're kind of forced to respect? And you like it, really. It'd probably be one of my favorites by an artist I know you love. It'd play in the background and we wouldn't really notice it exactly until later down the road when we're on our own somewhere hearing it and wondering why the song reminds us of each other. It would be a song that just ended up playing one time while on shuffle in the parked car, us pretending nothing else was really present except that back seat.

I already have a lot of shuffled car songs that remind me of us in moments,
parked in the rain
from when kissing never got farther than kissing.

as I am growing as a lover, I am appreciating music in a new sense,
associating it with feeling from my own auto-biography of emotion,
associating those feelings with images from collect moments
and I am so glad some songs will always bring me back to right now
in this collection of moments and images and feelings
in these picture-perfect memories I have of rain on the windshield right before you kissed me while you played the Smiths
or while last summers shuffle of pop punk played while we fogged up the windows in a baseball field
and I am glad that once my mind can no longer form or remember the picture-perfect moments,
and I won't be able to put together the scenery,
I will at least be reminded of the feeling through a song.

I smelled you the other day, in a brand of deodorant, (I guess the brand you wore)
I wonder if that's what happens when the wind blows across wrinkly skin at age 73
sitting on a front porch and wondering
"is this where I'm supposed to be?"

but I will not be asking that question
I will not be 73
I will not be wondering if I made the right decisions
because that's exactly what I'm doing right now-
I am being around the right people
I am doing things for me

Gray sky light my way
Only way I know
Directionless in a tunnel-vision world of straight and narrow,
I'll never pretend to know who I am
but sometimes I wish I had better clues

found a boy who makes love feel like speeding through a red light at an intersection
who reminds me of racing down the highway
windows down, hair blowing across my vision.
he and i could be a car crash
or a parking spot
he and i are 90mph on the freeway
yet when he holds my hand or brushes the hair out of my eyes
i swear the brakes hit themselves
and speed and light and time don't matter

I want to hole-punch my heart
give out the circles of it I made
as prizes to the winners of my new game,
'Can Anyone Guess Where Molly's Head Went?'

We better do something crazy before I get bored.

but look at the trees through my kaleidoscope eyes
(because my glasses are off and everything is blurry)
(for the first time blurry looks beautiful)
and the leaves all mix together with the sky
so I am left to wonder if this is even real life
(it can't be, this is so perfect)
and I can feel you looking at me
back and forth with the branches and my smile
(i smile so often with you)
the thunder doesn't even scare me
and I don't worry about the bug bites or the dirt or sticks stuck in my hair
and I don't worry later, either,
when I am in the back of your car
and the lightning is so close to us
(because how perfect would it be
to get struck by lightning with you
when all i feel every time you touch me is
electrifying)

Don't pretend that you know me
because I bet you didn't know I could count to 3000 in less than 3 seconds,
want to hear me? It's the same sound as a girl pulling a trigger. Bang.
-
"Bang me right here," I'll say, a smirk on my face, daring you to dare me to say it louder.
You would blush and we wouldn't.
(we'd have to be crazy)
-
that's crazy you're crazy
the purple beneath your eyes - it's crazy
you need a crazy amount of rest
you're acting like a crazy person
what is crazy and who ever decided it wasn't normal?
-
If I called you and said, "Be there in 10,"
what would you prepare yourself for?

i know i always talk about my shaky vision
but tonight i am still seeing things out of the corner of my eye
(i wish you were in my peripheral instead)
(wish i could rest into your shoulder and sleep for days)

Today I had a physical exam and they weighed me
So I ate my weight later in the day
And spent 20 minutes kneeling over the brim trying to get rid of myself
And congratulations,
I said to myself in the mirror
You're officially in this.
You've created this horror for yourself
Good luck.
(I want to tell this boy about it but he has no place in the corners of my room. I will leave him on the bed
Some things are best left unsaid)

being 18 will not last
and i know relationships hardly do in this situation
(even if we want them to)
because we will "grow up" and leave
and everyone will tell us it'd be stupid to not head in opposite directions
but ******* i like heading into your arms
and
what is so wrong with that

Please can we be king and queen of the night streets
and our thrones will be our bike seats
and the moon will outline our smiles.

my god the way you slur your words when drunk
"i wish i wasn't drunk," you said, and i know why you said it,
i know why, but i asked, "why?" and you shrugged.
i kept calling you cute (i couldn't help it)
and then you pulled me into the back room, saying "let's dance"