I lived inside a hope that was birthed inside a promise
that was meant to last beyond when time had forgotten us

In security I breathe the same breath you used to cherish
while hoping in my arms was where you would perish

Now here we are alas and the whole is back to halves
creating a devastating fork splitting our two paths

Only left to wonder where without me you roam
my feet began to wander to a place we called home

Wander to the home I still envision your standing silhouette
staring below at my cold shadow immersed in the tears that I wept.

This year will be bigger and better and involve less time in bed or possibly much more and this year will be loud and there will be bright lights and high heels and there will be hand holding and so many ******* hugs and I will eat pasta because I love pasta and I will not feel bad about that and I will make plans and then not cancel them and I will show up despite the knot in my stomach and I will laugh way too loud because I can and that is a beautiful thing and I will treat new acquaintances like old friends because people like it when you do that because it makes them feel good about themselves and I will make people feel good about themselves because that is a beautiful thing and I will feel good about myself because I deserve that and I will eat three meals a day and exercise and sleep eight hours a night because I deserve that and I will buy an unnecessary but adorable sweater every now and then because I have earned that and I will tell people I love them because they have earned that and they deserve to hear that and I will mean it when I tell people that life is great because I deserve that.

We used to spend hours
driving around looking at houses and
I never understood why you went to
the middle class neighborhoods
with the big homes that all looked the same and
pointed to the ones with
heavy wooden doors and thick brick walls
and all the cars in the garage and
called them your favorite
until I heard your voice crack when you said
they just look so sturdy
and I knew that
your walls were rotting and
falling down and
your foundation was cracked and
your windows were shattered and
the ceiling was starting to
cave in and
you liked the
big homes with
heavy wooden doors and thick brick walls
and all the cars in the garage because
they were
strong
when you
weren't.

Give me one world at a time,
I am doing the best I can
but there are still so many things
that I will never understand
and all I have is myself
yet I don't know who I am,
I'm still trying to accept the fact
that I am only human.

Sleep with a mason jar
Under your bed
Try to forgive all the things
That we never said

Ache within reason
Regurgitate your pride
There is strength in always
Having something to hide

Dig you claws into the mountainside
Feel slate crumble and fall
Get a grip on something permanent
Or on nothing at all

Face your fears with
Grace and poise
Use your screams to drown out
All this **** noise

Remind yourself
Of where you've been
And where you'll go
When your time here ends

Here she lies still
Breaking the box spring
Twisting words around
Her father's wedding ring

"Dying," she whispers
Her hand on her chest
Prepares for the evening
Of eternal unrest

There's a creak from the closet
There's a crash from outside
A boneyard war being waged
A corpse trying to hide

"It's never enough,"
That's what we'll assume
The dead go on living
And their dreams are exhumed

Bust through the coffin lid
Break your own heart
The dead and the dying
Are only six feet apart