i promise i am trying
trying my hardest
to mend myself
but it's hard to do
when my hands were never steady
my movements always too heavy
like the weight
of a million failed attempts
at trying to get two puzzle pieces
that aren't meant for each other to fit

my words used to run like waterfalls
undisturbed by man-made machines
until the people in my past
commanded me to construct a dam
but my aching hands
could not build it properly
and now my words
come in constant
incoherent sputters

i have always been my own downfall
even when my downfall was you
because i ignored the warning signs
that you would steal every piece
of my puzzle
and try to make it fit with yours
and when you gave up
i tried to pry yours away
and make them fit
because i couldn't feel anything
when you weren't beating me to a pulp
of cardboard and tears

and now my entire body
aches with this emptiness
that i cannot fill myself
but i have someone
who is perfectly willing
to help me dig myself from this grave

i'll be okay
she'll make sure i am
but i need her to leave a little piece
something to remind me
that the biggest wounds
leave the biggest scars
and they always tell a big story

it doesnt matter where it all started

it doesnt matter that the first conversation
we ever had
started about me enquiring
over some parma violets

what matters is
the first time he came to my house
he laid on my kitchen floor
and complained about the weather

what matter is
him complaining
over me
wanting to watch the notebook

what matters is
me feeling like
this whole thing is
slowly slipping
until he grabs me
and steadies my feet
and tells me
i was stupid
for walking on ice

what matters is
the lack of making love
but the connection
that exists

what matters is
not his cowardice
or my reluctancy
but the fact they both fit
so perfectly
hand in hand

what matters is
the way his hair
jolts round his face
and haircuts
dont make any difference

what matters is
the way he takes off his shirt
and scrunches up his face
when hes in pain

what matters is
the way he touches
all my belongings
and goes
on my computer
just to see
what i was doing last

what matters is
my mom likes him
and he's told his
all about me

what matters is
no labels
or commitments
or dates

but the way
we were sleeping
and he held me
and wouldnt let go

i met your lips with mine
feeling our hearts beating against each others' chests
as my brain evaporated into the fog
and my coffee stained lips molded against yours
writing unspoken stories of intimacy
no one but you would ever have the pleasure of hearing

we held each other like two puzzle pieces
cut out for each other and brought together
like cigarettes to the flames of lighters and matches
and our love became the nicotine laced smoke
far less toxic yet just as addictive
and just as breathtaking

content
my happiness like an ember in a fireplace
slowly burning in my core
only unlike an ember
it won't eventually burn out
over
t
i
m
e