Fearless, ambitious,
honest, complex-
my armored man
tattered and distressed.
Used, displaced-
yet not to
underestimate.
Domineering but tame,
my being he stimulates.
Beauty exceeded
only by pain,
memories depicted
left their stain.
Quick to give,
slow to take-
bigger the heart,
the harder it breaks.
Pretty eyed,
pirate smile;
pessimist at times-
all the while
filled with hope,
love to tend,
my armored man
quick to defend.
Holds his own,
never retreats-
witnessed more pain
than a child should see.
Still he stands,
my armored man,
stronger than you
could even conceive.
Harboring light,
my blues retrieve-
for this armored man
believed in me.

Can you feel that?
Wait close your eyes.
Let it in.
Let the ecstasy begin.

Do not fight-
predestined right.
And remove your mind from sin.

And breathe within the wind.
Savor it,
until its dimmed.

Diminish the pain,
dismayed in vain.
Embrace true happiness from within.

Can you feel that?
Can you feel it under your skin?
Tickling inside-
as if the walls could grin.

As if no one told lies.
As if no fear in our cries.

Can you feel that?
Wait-
don't open your eyes.
Can you feel it now?

That is-
the highest high.

Sweetest sensation of blindness
Washes over my sight
As I gaze upon your soulless vessel.

Victorious, the transparency that
Allows for my spectacles to see
Beyond.

I look at you sitting here,
Only arm lengths in front of me,
Yet I cannot SEE you.

As if you no longer exist.

Feeling like a waste of human life
seems to be disgustingly more and more
familiar to me each day.
With every breath I take,
I can’t help but to feel it is misplaced.

I feel like drowning,-
just compiling all this hate,
all my fears, my repressed anger,
my feelings of loss, and self loathing,
and taking them-
and letting em' eat away at my pores-  
letting em' impregnate my lungs-
as I wither,
until nothing more but a hollow shell remains.

I feel like setting fire to this face.
Taking that cheap molten metal,
and instead of to my wrist,
applying it to my brain;
letting it simmer and burn until there is no more pain.
I choose to wallow, dwell, and hold onto this rage
for reasons we call,
"insane".

I constantly, consistently,
no matter the consequence,
or the grief I may bring,
sabotage anything I could possibly EVER have going for me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I feel like I am screaming.
Like every fight we ever had,
I was blatantly clear of what it is I fear,
but I am wrong,
I didn’t tell you once what was REALLY going on.

Not once did I say I just feel useless today.
I miss my brother and his familiar face.
I think about him with every heart beat,
living in a tent, fighting this war of greed,
just counting down until he can finally be-
returned home to his loving new family.
I hold him very close to my heart,
and his absence is quite frankly,
TEARING me apart.

I wish He could have been here for our Father in his time of need.
I know Dad wishes that too.
I wish I knew how to deal with loss better.
I only feel guilt, and bitterness.
I feel like in the years I have been alive,
that I should have DONE MORE!
I should have gotten to know my grandfather before-
it was too late.
What a selfish, putrid being
I have grown to be.

I wish my brother could see
our beautiful Mother finally
get the wedding she always dreamed.
Instead….
He will only see pictures.
He will only be with us in our hearts,
and on paper,
and on Anthony’s tux.
I hope Momma takes it well.
It will be an ever bittersweet memory.
What irony.

I have been thinking about using again.
As often as I blink,
I fight this demon inside of me,
just pleading to be set free,
yet instead,
I allow it to consume me.

Falling, flitting, failing, quitting.
A ****** battle that I just can’t seem to win,
silent, yet shrieking
from this prison we call-
“within”.

growing up sideways
not up or down
still recovering from mishaps
misuses, mistakes.
im not her anymore
im not really sure who she was
but she made my life difficult by choice.
at night, dreaming of a past life,
fixing the horror caused-
making everything alright;
i then wake,
to a world unforgivable.
i sob and
scream-
im sorry
why cant you believe me?!?!
ill be seeing you.

Sometimes its enough-
no need to carry on.
To continue the letters
that lengthen the song.
That does not matter
for it-
already is done.
Yet you sift through the stars
as if-
there were none.
Go repent, you are
the only one.
Who reminisces the days
when love was sung.
And prevailed and won.
And cheered and hummed.
A time in which
we cared for fun.
Irrelevant now,
enough-
you were wrong.
pointless to try
and lengthen the song.

daddy.
im utterly helpless.
and yes i blame you!
i've become a disease,
infecting all i touch.
grim as it is,
as aware of it as i may be,
infectious i still remain.
i still blame you.
for we are interminable.
for we are completely alike.
pride established dominance,
a mind capable of enormous leverage.
a cruel mind.
he was your only ecstasy.
only room for your son
not me
everything afterwards savored of anti ******.
lonely and neglected,
i finally give in,
too proud for too long.
i blame you!
fearful to confess....
im utterly helpless

No other man has made me feel so foolish.
Driven me to snoop and peek.
To prowl and scheme.
No other man has done this to me.
Made me question his story everytime he'd leave.
Never have I been with a man, who promised me he'd cheat.
How blind do I have to be?
I'm finding out....
Through this disgusting jealousy.

No longer shall I mourn the promises we never kept,
Miss the morning dances, or the nights we never slept.
I shall not miss how you inspired me to do my best,
Nor long for how if felt with my head upon your chest.
I leave you, for I love you more than you could ever see.
I pray for your happiness, perpetually set you free.

you killed it.
okay,-
maybe it was me.
possibly killed it with my jealousy.
or maybe with my own incompetency.
or with my ignorance.
or just plain mania, you see.
i guess i can't say you killed what used to be.
its my fallacy.
forgive me please,
this place no longer renders-
the heart of my vile poetry.

Contagious emoting,
Prestigiously floating,
Committing to life
While time is unfolding.

Displaced trust-
Liars and lust,
Disappear with the wind
As the hinges rust.

Imprisoned in time,
Rushing to find,
The parts we lost
Along the ride.

Along the road.
No place called home.
Sway with trees-
Until the stars burn cold.

As grays recede,  
Eyes don’t bleed,
For the burden of guilt
Has begun to flee.

so i write to you my confession...
to speak loudly and clear.
for so long, under such suppression,
damnation i had to fear.

greatly i have wronged you,
in more unutterable ways than one.
the truth of my infidelities
have yet to come undone.

i write to you my confession...
of a man of twenty-eight,
my lustful thoughts woed me,
actions i reprobate.

i write to you my confession...
of a man of twenty-two.
in which i spoke salacious words,
a man who is not you.

i write to you my confession...
of heinous and deliberate lies,
knowing quite well the manipulation
would lead to your demise.

i write to you my confession...
recite what you dont know.
the body that belongs to you,
i proceed to show.

i write to you my confession...
for i no longer wish to hide.
my words, my thoughts, my actions,
may now all coincide.

Do you ever just want to lay down and cry?
To lock the doors and forget-
That tank outside?
Do you ever just want to abandon your pride?
And tell him your hurting and pleading inside?
Depleting. Putrid-
The only way to describe
This feeling I'm wheeling
And fighting to hide.
Do you ever just want to lay down and cry?
To dismember the censors
And surrender this time?

The lady on the land
knows she cannot swim.
With just a toe,
she tests the flow,
and dreams of jumping in.

The lady in the sea
prays to be a tree.
And hopes one day
that the plans she made
will finally come to be.

The lady in the sky
no longer wants to fly.
But still she's stuck,
nowhere but up-
and has no idea why.

The lady of the air
warns them of a tare,
they would create,
if one was late,
leaving nothing but despair.

Oh me, oh my,
Oh my, oh me.
Wasting along
Till the clock ticks three.
Blindsided-
YOU used ME.
You tell yourself,
It- couldn't be-
Oh me, oh my,
Oh my, oh me.
I loved you more
Than you could see.
Your baggage seemed
More primary-
My life grew more-
On the contrary.
Oh me, oh my,
Oh My, owe me?
Evade the sickness.
Willing to flee-
Done with inattentiveness
And the attention you seek.
Oh me, oh my,
Oh my, oh me-
And Im the one you called
A leech-
Well I guess I ******
Unknowingly.
Goes to show
What you really think
About the life,
You think I lead.
Oh me, oh my,
Oh my, Oh me.
Good-bye YOU,
I'll no longer be
The one to harbor
This insanity.

ode to a man
the keeper of my dreams,
melody of my soul,
the wind beneath my wings.
ode to a man
beautiful as can be
whispers to my heart
only beauty he can see.
ode to a man
who's heart he let me take
used him and beat him
till there was nothing left to break.
ode to a man
who loved me anyway,
though my only heart wondered,
his love did truly stay.
ode to a man
who finally gave up.
i loved him more than anything
but his love was never enough....

Haunted by the thought of you.

Nightmares terrorize
And torment my slumber,
Even though you're gone.

As if you never left.
Like I had never even ran.

Kicking my face in.
Pushing me to death.

You shower me with maggots.
And as they pour down my body,
And death seems like a gift,
You keep me.

Alive
Just enough.

To keep me.

To hate someone
so fiercely,
To have been hurt
beyond conception,
And yet still
care?

Wanting to so badly
just smash my head
against the wall and
make it stop.

How could I still..
After all you did?
No better yet ..
How could you?!
How could you throw me out
So viciously?
Naked, broken,
Pregnant
Again.

With that sinister smile
on your face
As you enjoyed it.
Every step of the way.
Growing gayer
off of my sheer devastation.

There is no way I could still..
**** dear god why do I still..
No I dont still..
I wish I didn't still..
Love
You.

Suppose I told you
today you'll die.

And you have one shot
to sink or fly,

to fight the tide
or drown or hide.

Suppose I told you
today you'll live.

You get only one moment
to truly forgive

yourself for all
the sins let in.

To finally cease
calling out for him.

Suppose I told you
this is all a dream.

Nothing you see
is what it seems.

Would it make any difference,
any change at all?

Would you choose to fly?
Or continue-
to fall.

In love with life
Though I am not attached.
I am blessed with many gifts,
And loved by those who SEE.
I do fear.
I do loath.
Though mostly I rejoice
Just to be alive.
I see beyond this form.
To the dimensions which dance between.
And when my form here ends,
I know I will still see.
I love my life,
But I am not attached.

I do it all for
                          you.
         For a distant time.
                           -A distant life.
Fly on sweet
                         bird.
        
-I'll be seeing you.

home is a place,
where the walls don't smell
of regret,
or extintion,
or torment,
or hell.

home is a place,
where the doors revolve,
ambitions stroll in,
while fears disolve.

home is a place,
where the blankets are soft,
a one story house,
with the roof torn off.

home is a place,
where dreams proceed
to have no limit,
no unreachable deed.

home is a place,
built on hope and faith,
heated by love,
and secured by strength.

home is a place,
which will never break,
because the Lord is my savior
and he guides the way.

Living in a sea
boiling everything but fear,
bodies of memories,
people disappear.
Engraved in my portrait,
your crystal chandelier,
loud and uncanny,
as the smoke begins to clear.
the ticks I don’t hear
stir the bleeding in my ears,
and the love that wont appear
surely contradicts my tears.
Its all too ‘perfect’ in here.
I begin to melt
the hope that felt
all too real
to be anything else.
Imposter!
Unwilling to forgive,
disinclined to help.
I thought I was a friend
but you only wished me hell.
Repent!
You don’t consume me that well,
drown someone else with that sedated swell.
Melancholy about how this came to be,
your nothing more
than another sick memory.

And tonight before I rest my head,
I have one last request.
Dear Lord I ask for peace of mind,
And strength to do my best.

I ask You only of simple things,
Though knowing I'm eternally ******,
Please know the carcasses under my bed
I physically reprimand.

I pray for courage to persist,
And will to not stray.
I plead for the wisdom to see the light
And endure another day.

Lastly I beg before I respite
To remind me of my place,
Illustrate Your beauty day after day
And overwhelm me with your grace.

Amen

Turning arrows into flowers
Morphing heartbreaks into superpowers
Changing losses into lessons
And bending betrayals into blessings

Clinging to my artistic integrity,
like its full of helium
And about to float away from me.

My poetic release in a world of uncertainty,
Gives me control,
no one to manipulate me.

At a time of utter disregard
for human decency,
This artistic exclamation is my relief.

From the chaos of personal grief
And misunderstandings
and unjust decrees.

How is it that we can no longer SEE
each other at all,
for the light that we bring?

Reminiscent of the way your voice resonated in my ears as you sang to yourself softly.

You caressed my neck with a gentle strength,
and the compounds of time dissolved as the moment took control over us both.

In that moment, I was yours.
Not quite strangers, but not yet lovers,
just two longing humans in each others embrace.

Bound to you by the frequencies which emanated through each one of your fingertips,
surging into my body,
next into my psyche,
and finally then— my soul.

I could take advantage of you,
Use you as I please.
Steal from you,
Lie to you,
Make you beg on your knees.
I could make you love me,
Give me everything you've got.
Yearn for me when I demand,
Do anything on the spot.
Foolish as you are,
As enticing as I may be,
You have not a single clue
Of the things you do not see.
I am an evil spirit,
The devil if you will,
You cannot see me,
You cannot hear me,
But trust me, you do still.
Hostile take over,
Of your body, of your mind.
User down to the bone,
So get loaded one more time.

Now that the blanket is
lifted from my head,
I am gifted
With the gift
Of my own breath.

I’m so wrapped up in you,
your voice is music to me.
Synonymous to the scent of
a salty ocean breeze.

Like a whiff of the first bud
on a wild rose blooming,
or the violet sensations
of magnolias in spring.

It sings to my soul,
like it’s all I’d ever need
to be completely fulfilled
and eternally pleased.

A melodic symphony,
of a thousand strings,
so powerful it moves me
to the core of my being.

To get lost in you,
comes with so much ease,
encompassed in your presence,
as if all time has ceased.

I love to see people
LOVE one another.
I miss those days
of passing notes
and meeting in person
just to say hey.

Or those long nights
of chatting on the phone for hours.
Listening to slow jams and
telling each other your greatest desires.

Full of Romance.
Filled with Friendship.
Loads of Laughter.

Technology,
both the curse
and the blessing.

Fantasizing of a love that’s real,
To quell this hopeful romantic,
Of old tainted promises and feels.

A bond far beyond all that traverses,
A loyalty that’s unbreakable,
Traveling dimensions and universes.

Unable to be destroyed or dismembered,
Unassailable in its roots,
Yet vulnerable to remember.

All the ups, as well as all the downs.
The daunting fears and the woes,
The worrisome cries with the frowns.

Love that has faced true consequences,
Made such immense sacrifice,
Defying all common senses.

Always and forever choosing one another,
Despite hardships or challenges,
Standing strong by each other.

No longer give in, until truth, I refrain
As I wait to behold that lover-
Hopefully romantic I shall remain.