where would you sit if you were here?
would you tangle your hands
in fabrics and in bread?
would you roast a bird
on christmas?
                     

  -would you make your son
and daughters speak?


your fierce mind and tender heart melded this child of yours and i need you as my guide.

please tell me of this person i've cared for.
please tell me where he fits into my bones.
can he ever nestle easily into my skin?
no, i've tried everything
how can i help to ease into this
when all i need is to push him
into the decent steps of
humankind.
of woman, of man, of child, and child, and child.
i come to you, my distant mother to tell you
your son is not well sometimes.

i miss you and i don't know you, and i miss you.
and your daughters miss you
and they have daughters now.
their world stopped when you left, and i feel like i've been trying to pick up his pieces
but they fall through my palms,
like fingers gripping sand.
he's dropped so many along the way, but i'm trying.


but now i feel more mother than woman.

I am done with this game you play; alas, we can't all have our way.
I'm more than a toy you choose to enjoy at your leisure--
Do you think this brings me pleasure?
In a moment's time, you are both mine and not, never were, or will ever be!
Do you like fooling me?
You bait and tease and fill me with unease,
But you have a love to appease you--I do not.
I never have, and may never know that ease of heart.
Do you even care that it tears me apart?
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Yes, and no, I suppose.
I respected your wish, and gave friendly hands,
But compliance can't even meet your demands.
A friend comes with no expectation; and yet, a friend knows when the game is done.
You can't offer me heaven only to drag me through hell.
Oh well, I sigh, and blow a kiss.
You confess to know this--
This halfhearted bliss!
But the game goes because you know I won't win.
Go back to your comforts and leave me to rot within.