You did not understand the depth of your demands, and I wonder if another's response would vary.
I was weak in the face of seduction and your elaborate production, but I realize it now--
I was temporary.
Your sudden desire to be close should have drawn a red flag, and frankly the memory makes me gag when I consider how my vulnerability was too bittersweet for you.
Were you trying to tame a shrew?
The lack of boundaries was likely my fault, because I felt so wanted I refused to halt you despite my usual sense of self-preservation. You had no reservations about crossing hard borders until my humanity started to bore you.
Every little playful touch and kiss was your way to hold me in a false sense of bliss. I was never worthy of love because then you would have no way to stand above me. Real love requires equality. You used my emotions against me.
Take your pretty light and let me be. I was a dying star in your galaxy.
I listened to your fears and woes, because that's what it means to be close. But the moment I felt the world on my shoulders, your words grew colder and I wondered why--why were my needs suddenly so arbitrary?
"I only have time to take care of me."
I was temporary.
Weave a new start for this wasted heart,
And set fire to what is left of my bones.
I never truly owned this anyway--
Alas, I was fine this way (I lie).
You gave me something to consider
With no intention of leaving me bitter.
I guess you may not understand it, but--
But, let me be clear.
I love (and fear) when people come near me.
Affection is a condition beyond norm.
I always have to perform to achieve
A physical feeling I didn't believe in.
Love is a fable for us unaccustomed
To sweet, stable, abled affection,
And it was conditional for me.
Every touch required a fee.
I am no perfectionist; no, I am a mess.
I am shredded silk and soured milk,
And twine twisted around fingers.
Have you ever kissed a cactus?
You never asked for this.
Why are you still here?
As most felines, I am odd--
Please take no offense, or mistake this as pretense.
I like being stroked, poked, prodded, but--
But after three pets, I've had enough.
It's not your fault that I'm comfortable in my vault.
For four years I weathered a life absent of pleasure, and I was fine--happy nor sad nor mad, but fine.
I suppose that sounds asinine.
And here you come with fingers outstretched, wiggling in the breeze with such ease.
I am outmatched.
I love the way you tenderly tease--
And yet, I am disrupted. Sensations I locked away so long ago have erupted.
But they will go unfulfilled, because you are a creature of the physical that is atypical for me.
I beg you, please, stop making me feel.
I was not happy being alone, but I was fine.
I swear, I was fine.
You have your love, and love to me is surreal.
You used up your three pets.
All I have left is regret.
I thought I was fine.
I thought it would be easy to just shut out the feelings, turmoil, and anguish that one feels when we realize we are not as wanted as we believe we are--
Yes, I took my feelings too far.
But you have to understand that you are not at fault, never were, for the things that happened to me long before we knew we existed in the same space between life and death--
Sorry, I need to catch my breath.
And even when I thought I was okay with knowing you do not want me, I made the mistake of thinking the casual playfulness with which you lured me was just a little bit of fun--
Fun? **** it. Can't be done.
You're not responsible for the way the others used and abused me, treated me like a toy to turn on and off at their leisure; however, you don't know how closely you remind me of that pain--
Can I feel empty again?
You made me feel too comfortable with my own discomfort, and I was not ready--but it felt so good to think I was desired that I crossed the path divine--
You make me happy, but I'm not fine.
It always begins with throwing stones,
Bewitching laughter, shattered bones.
I sleep on a floor made of golden straw
And blood drips from my gaping maw.
You toss me scraps from a high table
As I covet from my suffocating stable.
Your affection comes at a steep price.
Does it feel good? Does it taste nice?
You taunt me with the kindest words
But the sound of pride is all I heard.
Self-preservation is a skill I cannot master--
Yes, I admit, I enjoy a little disaster.
I am not worthy of love, only play.
Perhaps I will be released someday.
I love the abuse despite my rage.
You poke, and ****, and I am still caged.
Get off my phone screen.
You said we would just be friends.
Seeing your smile hurts.
I am done with this game you play; alas, we can't all have our way.
I'm more than a toy you choose to enjoy at your leisure--
Do you think this brings me pleasure?
In a moment's time, you are both mine and not, never were, or will ever be!
Do you like fooling me?
You bait and tease and fill me with unease,
But you have a love to appease you--I do not.
I never have, and may never know that ease of heart.
Do you even care that it tears me apart?
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Yes, and no, I suppose.
I respected your wish, and gave friendly hands,
But compliance can't even meet your demands.
A friend comes with no expectation; and yet, a friend knows when the game is done.
You can't offer me heaven only to drag me through hell.
Oh well, I sigh, and blow a kiss.
You confess to know this--
This halfhearted bliss!
But the game goes because you know I won't win.
Go back to your comforts and leave me to rot within.