You wanted to convert me,
But, conversely, we conversed,
And I converted you.
You saw my point of view,
Saw you,
Saw them for what they are,
Decried the false prophets in your mind,
Lent yourself to freedom,
And left behind the shackles of your life.
I freed you, I thought,
But your freedom came at a price.
Instead of joy, your soul swelled with hatred,
The lies you had faced became too much to bear,
And, in your pain, you lashed out,
Then jumped,
In the hope of finding the freedom they'd promised you,
And I was left alone again.

I barricaded the door,
Screaming, lurching,
Gripped by myself,
Fear searing through every fibre,
Desperation tearing apart my soul,
My eyes and heart on fire.

I screamed loud,
You heard me but couldn't reach me,
Because I didn't want to be reached.
Or did I?

I smashed the glass,
Drew the shards across my wrists,
Slipped under, as warm blood poured down my arms,
Searching for sweet release.

In the haze I heard you knocking,
Then banging, then screaming.
Sirens in the distance,
Then closer.

Noise; a saw maybe.
Loud bangs,
Bright lights.
Beeps.
Beep, beep, beep.

I saw myself on the table,
Surrounded by doctors,
My body a ****** mess,
The green line becoming weaker,
Then flat.

As a child they said that you go to hell,
If you *******, or hurt other people,
Or if you hurt yourself.

It's the only thing that kept me alive so long.

When I returned from the dead they told me to get help;
The church, doctors, charities,
Be mindful, watch the world,
Relax, meditate,
Get better.

But there's no getting away from yourself,
And when you're this broken you can never be fixed.
Not by anybody else, not by yourself;
Not even by those who love you.

And so I sit here, again.
The door locked, more secure this time.
The glass sits on the shelf next to me,
Ready to be broken.
I know to be silent, not to scream,
Not this time,
But to silently slip under without saying goodbye.

It's selfish, I know, to find peace for myself,
And to leave others screaming,
My friends, my family, my children,
But they don't know this pain,
Only I do,
And I know it has to end.
Maybe then, they can stop worrying,
Move on with their lives,
Forget about this 300lb weight they were carrying,
Which was causing them to sink,
A millstone, not a man.
A failure who was supposed to provide,
Make things better,
But who instead destroyed everything.

I feel calm, not terror;
My hand doesn't even shake as I write this note;
Yet I don't even know why I write.

A pause? Clarity?
A goodbye?
Perhaps all three, but defintely not a cry for help.
I've cried all my tears.
Unrepentent, yet sorry for everything,
This is, without question, the end.
Adiue.
Perhaps all three, but defintely not a cry for help.

If I was plasticine,
Would you see my potential and mould me,
Or would you crush me under your boot,
Roll me in your hands,
Or just make me part of a colourful dinosaur?

Naked, I sit in the meadow,
It rains, my torso gets wet,
Some days my foliage protects me better than others,
Yet when summer comes, I can feel but too hot.
I am never happy, even when I have visitors,
Never more alone than when surrounded by those unlike me,
Wishing forever to be mobile,
Wishing forever not to be Tree.

Close your eyes, you tell me,
Think back to a better time,
Feel those feelings, smell the smells,
Hear the laughs,
Smile at the innocence of it all.

But my life's never been filled with innocence -
Every moment in my past is either a blur, forgotten, or tarnished with hurt,
And hate,
And being hated,
And hating myself.

There is no special moments of long summer days -
At least, none which don't trigger memories of harm and abuse,
And so, I'm not an innocence fan.
How can I be, when I'm no innocent man?

Your good book couldn't save me as I saw the abyss,
Yet your rage, and fury and bile drew me to Hell,
And I saw that Hell is so subjective.

Looking down at a thousand souls screaming,
Writhing, drowning, dying,
I realised that they were all my own.

I looked back at a life battered,
Burned, scorched earth,
Filled with constant plagues that I hadn't earned.

I tried to reach for help – my sides, the sky, the ground,
But there was no voice from above, nobody beside me, and no ground below me,
I just hovered in stasis.

Is this your 'purgatory'?
I doubt it, because that's how I'd describe my life;
Just one bitter, broken period of waiting for something every worse.

Every emotional floor, cracking bones like cracking thunder,
Heart shattered by lightning, eyes torn out as pennance,
It was all so ******* biblical.

I watch you, you villain,
See you creeping, stalking,
Making nice, taking notes,
Preparing to make them yours.
Seen, but unseen,
Hiding in plain sight;
Your snake tongue conniving,
Laying the path for stealing lives.
Your eyes betray you, you villain,
To me, your intentions are clear.
They may not see you, you villain,
But I see you standing here.
I look you in your eyes,
You smile,
I don’t.
In my dreams, I place a hand on your shoulder,
And a gun to your head,
And end their pain forever.