one time when i was eight
i slept over at my friend’s house
and that night we held back
her mom’s hair as she got sick
over a broken heart
into a trashcan at
the foot of her bed
and i didn’t understand
how someone could be so sad
but right now, lying
on the bathroom floor
getting sick over you, i do.

Tears rush down my cheeks
My nose runs
I desperately scrounge for Kleenex
You stand and stare awkwardly
Unapologetic for your cruelty

You're safe for now; I'm still crying
But once this flood stops
And I figure out exactly how much is your fault
You'll die

I still have ten seconds of bawling

You have ten seconds to run

Run to Ecuador and become a drug dealer

******* the Yakuza in Kyoto

Double cross a gang of Trinidadians

Become an alcoholic gold miner

All of these are less consequential than what I plan to do.

Any place is safer than in front of me, so you'd best be fleeing.

Ten seconds *******.

If you want to love me,
don't just give me your words,
keep your empty promises,
I've had enough of those.

Trace your fingers along my skin
until you can tell my stories,
memorize the hidden scars
and know the depths of my heart.

Cut your fingertips on the cracked
mirrors inside my chest cavity
as they reflect my insecurities
and all my trembling mysteries.

Warm up beside the fires within me,
feed me timber when I begin to fade,
shield me on the dreadful rainy days,
fan my small sparks into flames.

Don't you dare tell me you love me
if you haven't yet wept for me,
felt the sting of my broken pieces,
or burned when I came alive.

*~Matthew Walker~

i saw you outside
on my roof tonight
with your messy hair
and cigarette glowing
between your fingertips and
you wouldn’t leave but
you wouldn’t come in
and i kept staring as you
blew puffs of smoke
with your back against my
bedroom window and
i wanted to get up and crawl
outside and sit behind
you and draw pictures on
your back of all the things
i didn’t know how to say but
my blankets felt like lead
so i whispered to my pillow how
much i love you and then
the sun began to rise
and you looked back at me
with ashes beneath your
eyes and i told my pillow
i wish you’d stay
but you didn’t you
never do

sometimes i wonder if god keeps a record
of all the times i have been left,
all the times i have been unable to leave.
i wonder if he thinks to himself,
"when will she learn?"
as if he feels my heartache too.
i picture god with a furrowed brow,
hunched over a typewriter,
beginning me again and again,
a mountain of crumpled paper at his feet.
but somehow -
he always ends up at the same point in the story
where i am all ****** palms
and half-hearted hallelujahs
propped up on bruised knees.
spitting up blood & teeth at his feet screaming,
"IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?"
but he doesn't answer.
and i catch myself wondering if the silence
is his way of punishing me for making a deity out of you.
after all, the bible says he is a jealous god.
i could've sworn there was a verse somewhere
that said you weren't allowed to love anyone other than me.
but now that i think about it,
i probably took it out of context.
if i could add a parable to those already existing,
it would be how your chest
felt like church under my head,
and how i thought to myself,
"this is how it would be if he loved me back."
or how you fled my bedroom like a crime scene.
i am still bleeding.
i won't tell you how many times
i cracked my heart in half
trying to be what you wanted.
how my lips on your skin felt judas.
now i am waiting for god to begin me once more,
hoping he'll leave you out of the plot this time
because i don't think i could stand to lose you again.
see, rumor has it he knew you'd leave
and has been trying to make it up to me
since before we'd even met.
my song is one of repentance.
the wood finish from abandoned pews
rotting under my fingernails.
i made sacrifices you didn't ask for.
i have never known
whether my inability to abandon people
is more a strength or a weakness
but so far everyone i've ever loved
has turned into an exit wound,
and myself into a flickering no vacancy sign.

- m.f.

nobody warns you about the first boy who tells you he wants to marry you.

nobody warns you about the tangible shift in the universe when he parts his lips to smile.

nobody warns you about the poetry he'll write you or how your knees will weaken or the melancholy hidden between the layers of his laughter.

nobody warns you that miles will morph into lightyears and you will curse the ocean for being the only thing that keeps his fingers from resting between yours.

nobody warns you about the day his sweater doesn't smell like him anymore.

nobody warns you that human hands are incapable of holding a person together.

nobody warns you that sometimes love is not enough, no matter how much you wish it was.

nobody warns you about the crippling nostalgia that renders you breathless.

nobody warns you about the nights when silence screams for your blood.

nobody warns you about the crater that forms in your chest in the middle of the night when he doesn't answer.

nobody warns you about how it's going to feel when he tells you he's in love with someone else.

nobody warns you that forever is a lie.

- m.f.

I trace the curve of your spine
And write my secrets on your bones

We're surrounded by others
But your eyes say we're all alone

Is it that I'm myself with you,
Or that you're yourself with me?
Maybe it's the feeling of togetherness,
the power of we.

I don't know of it was that **** smirk
Your scent,
Your clothes
Or your jokes
All I know is you turned me inside out
My usual thought-out replies
Replaced with a measly choke

There's really no thesis to this,
No ******, no conclusion

Everything I just described so vividly
Is merely a self-made illusion

I haven't met you yet - the one that'll make flowers blossom in the corners of my mind

Who I'll crave and adore
And with whom I will spend my time

I'm not waiting for you, I have no time to seek

You're somewhere living your own life.
Each minute,
Hour,
Week.

The memories you're making now I will hear about in years to come

Along with your whispers in my ear: "This is it... you're the one."

Maybe you think you're in love now, with him or she

But the universe will make it happen

The one you love... it'll be me.

It has been far too long
Since I looked up at the sky
And noticed how blue it was

Instead of just seeing the clouds
That were scattered here and there.