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Hiwaga Jul 2021
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little light headed. No, I’m okay. I don’t have a condition or anything. I just feel like my world is slowly collapsing. Every time I try to fix things and somehow getting good, the universe will do a huge clap back and smack me in the face.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little useless. Just when I thought I’m doing an excellent job at work, it came to a point that they have to let me go because of personal issues and choices. “You’re good but...” There’s always a but. But should be my middle name in other lifetime. It suits me well.

Lately, I’ve been feeling very insecure. My girlfriend loves me, I know that. But sometimes I feel like she can’t express so much of a feeling like how she used to express it to her ex-girlfriend. When we started dating, I stalked my girlfriend for fun and I saw posts and letters and all that kind of crap how she loves her and how every single second is important when talking to her. She even right the call details in a ******* notebook with all the hearts and smileys and all cheesiness. Me, on the other hand, being mad at for being demanding for asking more phone calls. (she’s working milessss away, btw).

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little betrayed. My mother, who is supposed to keep me safe and warm based on the world’s rule, messed with my life. She placed me in a very difficult position and now people are hunting me away. My cousins, who are my very best friends as well, turned their backs on me because of what my mother did. They even back stab me during dinners that I’m not around. Referring to me as “she’s like her mom”

Lately, I’ve been feeling… Lost. I have nobody to turn to. I have nothing to do. I always tell myself to “Focus on what I can control. But now… I don’t have control about anything anymore.
Hiwaga Feb 2021
When I was a young, my greatest fear is for my loved once to be not proud of me or to be neglected. That's why I worked so hard. I made sure my grades are high, I have good work, I do my responsibilities as a child, a sister, a partner. I always acted like I don't give a **** about what people would say but I honestly do. And they didn't fail to make me feel that I have to be someone "great" for them to proud of me. It was spread out my personality like a ******* jam on a toast.

Quite sad, I know.

And now that I'm a bit older and a lot different to whoever I was before, I thought I will not get affected by such treatments anymore. But for the love of God, it happened to me again. The feeling of being kept. Hidden. Not proud of.

I feel ugly.
I feel ashamed.
I feel like I'm not worth it.

It's like a familiar punch on the face., the worse is, it broke my heart 10 times more.
Putanginang buhay 'to hahahahha
Hiwaga Dec 2020
I love it when people switch into their Ted talk mode. When faces are lit up with overflowing passion and animated expressions. It makes me want to live passionately too.

Nowadays, too much content is lost in our desire to filter our raw emotions just to be more relatable. One of the greatest feelings is being able relinquish the rawest version of ourselves and having someone see past through our disguise— a hand that will take whatever it is we put upon its palms and will hold it as it is without attempting to mold it into something more presentable.

I love it when people take me into their passion zone and give me the chance to show them my honest self too. It’s such a refreshing break from reality where we rarely talk about dreams anymore because everyone’s busy trying to fit in and survive.
Hiwaga Dec 2020
‘Yung kayang manindigan kahit dumating ang puntong nahihirapan.
Umuunawa’t hindi basta nangiiwan. Nananatili sa mga araw na hindi magaan.
Nananatili dahil alam na ‘yun ang kailangan at sa puso'y nagpapagaan.

Na kung sakali man dumating ang mga panahong lilipas na ang kisap ng samahan —hahanap ng paraan upang maibalik ang kilig, ang dating tinginan, ang nawawalang lambingan.

Marunong tumanggap ng pagkakamali.
May panahon lagi para umintindi.
Na sa oras na magpakumbaba ka’t magsisi,
yayakapin ng katulad ng dati.
Hindi agad umaalis,
hindi nagpapadala sa galit,
sumasagot sa’yong mga bakit.

Higit sa lahat, siyang naaawat ng salitang patawad.

Dahil nararapat ang pag-ibig na sigurado.
Hindi umaatras, hindi tumatakas.

Hindi nagdadalawang-isip kung aalis o mananatili.
Ako, na ang tingin sa’yo, ay pag-ibig na kapili-pili
Mga tala at tula
Hiwaga Dec 2020
What I love most
Is the aroma of a good brewed coffee.

No, wait

What I love most
Is sleeping while it's raining.

No, wait

What I love most
Is losing myself in a good book.

No, wait

What I love most
Is looking at developed film rolls

No.. wait.

What I love most
Is when people ask me
What I love most.
Inspired by Tanja Bulovic's piece
  Dec 2020 Hiwaga
The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.
A little escape from the madness.
Or maybe, into.
Hiwaga Dec 2020
It’s weird to think that every version of me was made to be with every version of you.
It’s crazy to think that what we have crosses universes and traverse timelines and that we were always meant to be,
that nothing could keep us apart.
It’s a beautiful concept.
But imagine if we were never meant to fall in love.
Imagine if every conceivable universe wanted us to remain apart,
but it was our own free will that brought us together.
Imagine if we, in this timeline, were the only versions of ourselves to become what we are.
That we were never meant to be, but we carved our own paths to each other.
That what we feel is stronger than all the force of the universe.
Maybe it was always going to be me and you.
I guess it is for us to find out
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