12/3 trapped

Do you know how it feels to be a prisoner
of your own mind ?
To feel trapped inside your own head .
Confined to a room w four walls
of nothing .
Almost like you were just dropped into this void .
An empty space filled with gloominess and
so much shade .
Feels as though I started off as a being with a
soul ,
A spirit if you may .
but slowly I've turned into a nonentity .
someone you don't notice is gone
until you need something .
until you need to release those feelings you hold
inside ,
you wouldn't notice me even if I died .
And I would cry ,
If I had any tears left .

Oh and do you know how it feels to want to
hide from yourself ?
Hide from the guilt
Hide from the shame
Hide from who you really are
whoever that is .
I am tired of this mask I am forced to wear .
Cloaking myself in the scent of happiness ,
Just so I can trick my thoughts into
Disappearing .
If only for a little while .
Oh how I wish for lucidity .
I just want to be heard
to be truly figured out .
I want someone to put together my mess
of a puzzle .
save me from myself
because she's a tricky one .
save me from this life filled with nothing
but endless pain .
every day is filled with the want to disappear
into thin air .
Evaporate into the heavens above
Or melt into the fires below

All I want is to not feel a thing .
But instead I feel every jab of words .
Like a stab wound to my chest
with a twist .
The twist being me holding that knife
To  my own throat .
Do you know how it feels to hold the dagger of
death ?
One incision ,
One puncture and it's all over .

I'm missing a piece ,
a piece of my heart .
and that piece died years ago ..
literally ,
you were my light in a dark room .
my laughter when all I wanted to do was cry ,
you were
you are
my sister .

I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
I'm sorry I wasn't there to see the light
leave your eyes
oh how alone you must have felt
to have to die in a bathroom with nothing but
bubbles and
a bathtub of water .
"mom , help!"
"***** , save me!"
"baby brothers , are you there?"
"can anyone hear me?!"
if only you could have spoken ,
I wonder what you would have yelled .
oh , poo , I am sorry that I wasn't there .
I'm sorry that it was you
and not me .
I would give you my life if I could ,
wrap it up in newspaper just so I could see you
tear it apart
just one more time ,
for old times sake .
maybe play some music so I can see your
smile
light up my room
and light up my life .
you will forever be my missing piece  ,
my puzzle will never be complete
without you ..

Love ,
***** .

"a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life."

i miss my memories .
the ones i can remember so vividly .
back when she was my best friend ,
he was my end ,
and she was my cousin.
i miss my feelings .
not the ones that remind me
of a time not worth living .
engrossed in my sisters drowning
nightmares plagued me
because i blamed me .

i miss when everything was so effortless .
being me was a manifest
error , something that was luminous .
lighting up my world with darkness .
back when i wasn't weak .
felt indestructible, nothing could destroy me .
except maybe a heartbreak ..
or three .

i miss when i did not miss .
back when remembering "this
and that " ,
didn't mean a panic attack .
back when being happy
was a state of mind
instead of something
i wanted to be mine .
back when i wasn't afraid to connect .
before you and everyone left
and i was  like our govenment .
a little off balanced ,
without being checked .

i miss who i used to be
because i am not sure
how to be
this "after" me .

Pathetic.
That’s what I’d call you.
Just plain miserable
and manipulative.
You tricked me into giving you the world .
Deceived me into believing that you’d never do me *****
You blinded me by your lies
“Forget about them , you have me.”
But , I didn’t really have you ..
Did I ?
You took what you wanted .
You let me put you before myself .
But ?
I don’t even blame you .
Maybe if I would’ve been in your position ,
Being offered the world
And only being asked for friendship in return ..
Maybe then I would’ve robbed you of your trust .
And your love .

You were my best friend .
My ace ,
My platonic soulmate .
And I treated you as much .
But, what was I ?
To you ,
What was I ?
A personal tutor ?
Remember those last two essays that you just couldn’t get done ?
Who helped you ?
Who stayed up after an exhausting day at work ,
After having to bike home in the cold and rain ?
Just so you could pass and not worry.
Maybe , I was just a free ride .
Always taking you places ,
Always giving you the keys and letting you do whatever.
You filled the tank maybe twice
within a nine month period .
And I never once said anything .
Oh I got it , I was your ATM.
Whenever you needed money ,
I was glad to help .
Whether it was for an Uber so you could go to your volleyball tournament
Since your own “mother” couldn’t take you
Or whether it was for a Plan B because
YIKES
Your boyfriend didn’t know how to pull out .
Hm , I guess I was also a personal shopper .
Buying you clothes when I bought me some .
You didn’t wanna spend your money ?
That was fine .
I would spend mine
And you didn’t even have to ask.
I was everything except your friend
and that’s all I wanted to be .

I should’ve seen this coming .
I should have KNOWN .
Looking back
All I can see are the signs ,
Foreshadowing what was to come .
You started to change right in front of my own eyes
but I didn’t want to believe it .
Didn’t want to believe what I could clearly see .
You started to ignore me .
For days on end .
Living in the same house became something like a
Silent war .
Everyone against me .
Including you .
You started to disappear into your room .
There were no more lifetime movie marathons together .
No more staying up and goofing around together .
No more talking about any and everything together .
I lost you way before I knew I lost you
and that makes my heart ache
like a pre-existing bruise
getting hit over and over again .