There are some days where I really reminisce on us.

Our past is something that is undeniably confusing since it is obvious that you didn't truly emphasize what the significant pain you have caused.

There are words that describe you. Manipulative, controlling, insane, they all are synonyms of your first name.

You destroyed me.

Who may have known what would become of us?

We smile as if there is nothing left on Earth.

There were fits of lingering gazes,

Gazes that broke down the walls I've built around my heart.

I reminisce about you

The emptiness and fullness
that sits in me after you're gone

The intense happiness you bring me
The brightness in your eyes
The sweetness of your smile

And while I sit here wondering about you
I hope you are thinking about me too

Why did you do this?

Honestly, I trusted you
Of all things you could have done
I never expected this.

When I caught you,
you acted like I was dumb.
"Macie, it's nothing."

I remember when I had to tell her.
I remember looking into her eyes
and telling the most beautiful person in the world
that her husband had broken her trust.

I had to break her heart for her.
You have no clue how much that hurt.

I had to look into her large chocolate colored eyes
and tell her the words you laced around the other girl.
Do you know how that made me feel?

I remember when I went out to dinner with her
because she wanted to be as far from you as she could be.

I remember her not touching her food
and holding back the tears.
She decided to color
because she needed something else to focus on.

With every ounce of pain she was collecting
in the biggest heart I have ever known,
she told me "I can't believe he did this to us."

She is humble enough to say
that you didn't just mess things up for her.

I didn't talk to you that night
or the following day

The second night, you came into my room and apologized
As if you deserved my forgiveness.

Your words didn't just wrap around the other girl
They wrapped around me.
How do I trust my dad when he not only broke her heart
but he destroyed mine?

No one knows how much you destroyed
except for me.

Only 17 years old and somehow I'm holding our house
Not just with my words, but with my hands.

People always said I had mom's hands.
They're chubby, but my fingers are just like hers.

They have the power to hold my mom
the way she held me after every time you yelled at me.
That means a lot.

The fact that this wasn't the first time makes me hate you, Dad.
I wish I could not hate you, Dad.
I wish you could just get up and leave, Dad.
Please try to fix everything, Dad.
I wish you would realize we don't want you, Dad.
I need you, Dad.

I can't believe you did this.
How could you.
You didn't just cheat on your wife of 18 years who gives you everything. She was the best thing that has ever happened to you. She's beautiful, sassy, outspoken, and unbelievably in love with you.

You cheated on your 24 year old daughter. She was the best thing that came from your first divorce. She was the only thing about your life that wasn't a nightmare.

You also cheated on her husband, and your two grandchildren. The little boy being the most outgoing, sweet, honest boy. Only 3 years old, yet he is brilliant and the center of the universe to you. There's also the little girl. She is the most beautiful face on the planet. She adores everyone and everything. Especially you, Grandpa.

You cheated on your 17 year old daughter, who is everything you wouldn't want. Outspoken, gives empowerment to those who need it, feels everyone is an equal, that drives you insane, doesn't it, Dad? I remember when you were mad about me telling you I had a date, this was a couple of months ago. I had to wait until I was 16 to date.  I stand up for what I believe in. I say whats on my mind. I fight for what I want. You try to break me down and respect you, but you lose my respect every single day. Yet you know I adore you. You know how much I desire a relationship.

You cheated on the twins. Two 8 year old children who you adopted. Remember? They endured neglect, pain, having their mother give them up after she couldn't be clean. You accepted and loved them.

Look at your life. Everything you have. Why would you throw it away for someone who isn't worth half of what Mom is worth?

I am driving and it hits me.
No, literally, it hits me
I’m driving and I slam into the back of another car

When I get out to access the damage,
It looks like nothing has even scratched it
Until I get in and the right side blinker is going double its normal speed.

I guess this is the lesson where I learn
That not all broken things are visible from the outside
But, I drive the car anyway

I tell people the broken blinker is just a “bad habit”
Tell them that it wasn’t that bad anyway
Tell them that I still love the car
Why would I get the blinker fixed if I still love the car?

But -
I am so tired of making only left hand turns

What do I do if I try to get it fixed
And they ask what happened?

Do I tell them that my headlights weren’t the only things made of glass?

Do I tell them that loving you was like a magic trick?
Being sawed in half, over and over
Until I felt knives instead of hands when you held me?

Until I tasted someone else when I kissed you?
You were always such a good magician.

Always so good at disappearing
Always so good at being in two places at once
Being in my arms and his bed
Always so good at letting your assistant drown in this tank of water

And then
The show ends

And when the curtain falls, and the audience is sitting there, silent
And there’s no more applause for your stupid escape act
No more for you manipulating your way through these stupid handcuffs

They will ask how you did it
How the magician escaped without a single scratch
But I will not reveal the magician’s secrets.

Instead, I will smile.
I will tell them that you are like a postcard
Dated yesterday, marked “see you later”
How do you break up with a ****** message when you’ve already fallen in love with the view?

How do you leave someone when you can’t unlearn how to see their perfect postcard picture?

And then, again, I’m driving
On my way home from the grocery store and

I’m avoiding using my broken blinker
And I’m turning left, and left, and left
And three lefts dont make a right doesn’t mean that three wrongs do make a right
Or four, or five,
Did you tell him you loved him?

And
I wait for a note
For an “I’m sorry”
For anything

Except you’re just sitting there
And staring
Did you mean it?

Did you mean it
And I drive by your house
And around the whole town
You are there

In my steering wheel,
In my broken blinker,
And underneath my tires

I have not forgotten how to love you yet
But **** it.
I’m trying.
This is your best magic trick yet.

The way this noose still looks like a necklace and
I wait.
And I come up from under the water
And you are not there.

And I am cold
And gasping
Breathless

But
To me,
This is the kindest thing you have ever done.

I feel like I’m falling from you.

I’ve already fallen for you.

I want you.
I miss you.

I want you to catch me when I fall.

Why won’t you catch me?

If I were to break, I would want you to pick up my broken pieces.

But right now, I don’t want you touch me.

Because if you touch me, I’ll let you break me again.

When I first saw your sweet smile
When you first allowed me into your life
When you first gave me the satisfaction to call you my person
I fell for you.

When I first heard your amazing laugh
When you first kissed me with your tender lips
When you first gazed at me with your dark eyes
I fell for you.

When you first disappointed me
When you first led me on
When you first tried to pick up the pieces
I fell for you.

When you first cut into my heart
When you first let the blood spill
When you first felt my intense pain
I fell for you.

And now that I feel my worth for the first time,
I've realized something.

I realized that if you gave me one more shot,
I would still fall for you.

I feel wrong. Uneasy. Unable.
Why can’t I stop this idea of wanting to break myself down?
I shut out every emotion every day
I was taught to ignore pain to make other people happy
And now it’s coming back to bite me.

Now all of this emotion is coming up
In chunks
In tears
In sorrow
In anger
In depression
In panic
In hate
In shutting people out
In aggression
But I cannot do anything about it.

God, how I miss you and the way things used to be between us.
Don’t you remember us?
I remember knowing everything was going to be okay.
I remember a sense of stability between us.
I remember being able to run to you because I knew it would be okay.

But now?
I’m scared to think of stability because it isn’t real.
It’s a fantasy that I’ve drilled into my brain in order to try to convince myself that you would WANT me.
I mean, I did think you wanted me.
For a long time, I really thought that you would want me.
But now?

I can’t.

And what doesn't help is I can’t say anymore to you than what's already been said.

I can’t.

I can’t because I don’t want to hurt you the way that you’re hurting me.