I have committed suicide already, it's just all on the inside

Yesterday was too much,
I don’t want any more
The only thing I see now is
This stone floor-cold city,
The core of these rows
An institution for dying flesh
Joy-sterilized by apathy
Monotonous death-bringing concrete

My heart barely beats
I get nauseated when moving

[Sample from a Swedish children’s show:]
“A hermit, what does this say? a hermit wants to live alone, he can’t stand the sights or sounds of other people”
“I’ve reached a conclusion, there’s no place for me in this world”
“My book isn’t for sale, and I don’t want to be disturbed by anyone. Good bye”

A soul colored like ashes
A city, a block of misery
Continuous woe

I love you

Fast boiling heat
Passes like a bullet
But with more pain
More suffering
Burns down to the bone
And past bone and flesh
To the soul
Burns and blood
A hot mess

If there was a way to stop my blood
Build a dam next to my heart
To stop my broken emotions from flood
I'd much rather die alone
Eternal youth means nothing to me

My loneliness eats me away
And I'm reminded everyday
The hopelessness so strong...overpowering
Enough to change who you are
As it did to me

A different person is what I am
****** up is what I am
Angry is what I am
Depressed is what I am
Anxious is what I am
Worthlessness… nearly a character wearing my skin

Others inform me otherwise
But you know as well as I
Words are nothing, show me something
I need support as much as I want

I long to love
Unfortunately seeming impossible
As self-esteem is brainwashing
Yet convincing enough, that you're "incompatabl"
Therefore I fear no one will reach out to me

Heart to heart
Hand to hand
Somebody show me this passion
Quickly…please

It jumps back to feeling so alone
And its scary, the worlds a scary place
And i don't feel like i have a hand i can reach out to
So i can take baby steps back into the water

But it's a lose lose situation
If i stay back and isolate, i lose
If i go out and do things, i lose
When I stay in my room i grieve
But when I go out
I have more to grieve about

I lose, and I lose, and I just keep losing
And somehow getting help wasn't enough
And now things are progressively worse
Just so....so....so bad

My feelings jump large gaps
"I'm fine, leave me alone"
"I hate it here, i want to **** myself"
"I can't think, i'm getting anxious"

My GAD kills me
Everyday becoming anxious of when ill become anxious
Anxiety gets the best of me
Anxiety makes my wrists bleed
Anxiety makes me yell and scream
Anxiety.....just hates me

I want to **** it
I want to **** others
Left, right, left, right
I can't cry but...i do sometimes

And then i lose inspiration
and unfortunately i end this poem
cuz i forgot what to say