I've been avoiding pavement.
My car key is beginning to rust.
I drank a *** of coffee at 6 o'clock
this morning but by 9,
I was sleeping again.
I've been dragging my
dusty limbs across
these wooden floors,
swallowing fistfuls of
pure white and murky ivory pills
for breakfast,
and throwing half of them up
in the shower
less than an hour later.

I just called to say,
"I can't tell if I'm alive today"

Radio silence

Everything is muted,

grey, and still

And I won't stop pretending
that I'm doing better
until I have no one left
to pretend for

cause that's who I am

from the blood and the mud

that shapes me,

I am a plastic surgeon
every ******* morning

And a brain surgeon
every ******* night

Give me a scalpel and
a bright light

I will cut a smile
across my tired face,
Chipped teeth,
Crimson lips,

I will lobotomize myself
just to forget this

It is seething hot
as it boils up my throat,

Solidified in my mouth
it feels like broken glass

It tastes like
salt water spit
and warm blood,

Once I start to say it
I can't swallow it again,
*"I have never lived a single day
I have never lived a single day
I have never lived a sin
I have never lived
I have never"

"Do you still love me?" she whispered in my ear,
"How can I love a girl who is no longer here?"

You cannot capture my heart
When it is already kept in a cage

words

           *telegrams
           calculable words
           words as objects
           words as mathematical
           meaning price > value

time

           days of the week, hours of the day minutes
           time is mathematical
           time is measurable
           time is a commodity
           meaning price > value.

(let's not fund the humanities they say.)

life

deaths by numbers
earthquake in Nepal -- death count over 7000
just a number in a news report, really
just a
number.
deaths are measured in numbers
not people,
people are countable
objects.
7000 people.
meaning all your friends on facebook
every person in your lecture hall
every person you have loved or kissed
all your former neighbours
everybody you have talked to on public transportation
every barista that has served you coffee
when these are faces you remember when these are your friends your family when these are *your people that is when
7000
becomes more
than a number.

but we don't want to let it
be
that
do we?

we cannot understand it
or let ourselves feel it
we cannot grieve for 7000 people swallowed by anonymity
when the death of just
one
could **** us.

the world will end by 2060 because we will have let
the oceans overflow and we will be drowing by numbers.
not people.

these are numbers. facts. statistics.

so
who
cares.

the journalists and scientists and economists
know what they know
and maybe we know what they know
but we have to experience before we change and
it will be too late.

it is up to the artists, now, to the poets and painters
and the actors directors designers to
show us what things
feel
like

before we all become
calculable objects
in oceanic waste lands.

it is up to people with the gift to make things
mean
more

than 7000
does.

My phone buzzes with a text
His eyes dart over, blood shot red.
The angers coming out, palms start to sweat.
I always begged him not to do ****.
"Who the ******* textin! Let me ****** read!"
This is how it starts, manipulating my heart,
And beating till I bleed.
I say "***** you don't even own me.
You barely even know me!
Your a ****** fiend and a ****** who claims to only smoke ****,
but I know youll never get clean.
Youre an unemployed mommy's boy at the age of 23.
Stop slapping me around and be the **** you claim to be.
If your so ******* then why don't you **** me?"
Suddenly I've got a rope around my neck being dragged across the floor.
His eyes go black as he dishes out more.
Now I'm in the middle of the street,
how the **** did I get here? 
I never moved my own feet.
He tackled me to the pavement and I started to scream.
There's a man on the sidewalk ignoring my pleas.
The cops showed up but I denied all these things.
He's sitting in jail but I'll never press charges.
He's got a couple felonies and they found needles in his apartment.
I know he's dangerous but deep down he's sweet.
He only hit me a little, and never put me towards death.
Everyone hates woman that stick up for their beating so I'll lay it to rest.
Maybe my minds just distorted from trying to save a monster on ****.