A friend saw me writing
Wanted to read my stuff.
She read my poems
I guess she expected something fluff.
She didn't know my poems
Were so disturbing & dark.
She had no idea
What was truly in my heart.
Did she expect me to write stuff like:
"Roses Are Red"
I write about my mental illness
& how I wish I was dead.
I write about my Ex-Wife
& how I still ain't over her loss.
I write about losing my children
How break ups have their cost.
I write about the voices
That torment me 24/7.
& how I hope if I commit suicide
I'll still get a spot in Heaven.
I write to ease the pain
That has recently pleaged me.
If she wants to see happy shyt
Go watch Pixar or Disney.
Go watch a sitcom
Subscribe to Hulu or Netflix.
Don't read the writings
Of a man who's mentally sick.
Don't read my shyt
To be entertained.
I'm writing to keep my sanity
Just trying to maintain.
Don't say I'm disturbed
Or my mind is not quite right.
Everyday is a struggle for me
For my sanity these demons I fight.

Speeding up
Gaining ground
What's amiss
Amoral sound

Can't keep
Up but
I went
Ahead,

Now it's
just you
not Me
instead.

there's not a single word left,
when nothing changes
and you realize you were always too far gone

you have always been in too deep,
and  farther, much farther than anyone wants to be for you

For the fourth time this week,
I drove down J imagining you were in the seat next to me,
Telling me how much of a nerd I was for mouthing the words to the song playing.
Bayside had always been our favorite band,
This ride did not change that.
I mouthed that you were my rock so long as I was yours and you just smiled.
I awake from my reverie.
Fourteen hours later and you’ve hardly spoken to me today.
It’s normal, though, as you’re a busy guy.
This is what I’ve been telling myself for three years.
I apologize to the voices in my head for your behaviour.
“We’ve talked about this,”
I say,
“We’re not going to try anything because of the distance.”
I sigh to myself and erase the message I’ve typed out for you.
It’s the fifth time I’ve done it this hour,
Seeing as you never responded to the last.
Last time you said you loved me was three days ago.
I told you I love you two hours ago and you called me a nerd.
“Nerd.”
I take a deep breath at the thought of the word.
I try to replace it with something different.
“Love.”
“Beautiful.”
Beautiful.
You’ve called me beautiful, right?
I scroll through our messages, looking for a time where you might have.
I only find you telling me my smile “kills” you.
Those words still make me melt, and I hate it.
I hate myself for loving you like this.
I hate myself for hating myself for loving you,
As I convince myself again,
For the hundredth time,
That you do.
I’ve been begging for a sign that you do.
One aside from your words.
“Actions speak louder than words,”
I remind myself,
And think back to an action.
What have you done?
I can’t help but wonder if the songs you wrote about me,
Loving me,
And us,
Were sent to another.
The lack of specification in said songs makes me swallow hard.
I think back to the night you told me you broke down with your friend.
You told him everything,
How you’ve loved me for years,
How you’ve never been able to do something about it.
How you tell me you date so many girls but always think of me.
How I believe you.
I’m scared, now.
Every day that we’re apart,
I can’t help but worry and doubt.
Am I just some... toy?
I can’t help wonder to myself if I am,
And I scroll through our messages.
I’m torturing myself, really.
As I scroll I reflect on the amount;
Thousands of messages collected over the past three years.
Three years--
Why would you spend that much time ‘toying’ with someone?
My heart swells,
As do tears.
I erase the message I’ve typed out to you.
That's the sixth time this hour.
The cycle will repeat until I fall asleep,
One last unsent message sitting in my palm.
I stare at the screen, waiting for my eyes to close.
They don't.
"active now"
it reads under your name.
I stare at your display picture.
For the fourth time this week, I pretend you’re staring back.
And for the... what was it?
I’ve lost count.
I pretend you’re listening and I turn off the screen.*
“Goodnight, I love you. Sweet dreams.”

See those you created, how wicked we are. Ever in boast to stand tallest amidst our fellas, forgetting its you who gives it all. We have failed to work for Glory but our benefits to see others fail. What hearts we bare. Ignorance covers us as dreamers surpass our  humanity forgetting we have a corner to negotiate, those we frastrate could be ourb tomorrow Heroes. Teach us not to believe so much in out abilities and push aside humility, give us courage to be sincere rather than brave hypocrites, stand in our midst and look with pity upon our hidden rotten hearts of greed. You who owns the world with no jelous, show us how victory can be raised without slaughter of the brotherhood we share.
#Godfirst #hardwork #thefutureissafe

(20 minute poetry)

On the ride
underneath the underground
to or into a wonderland

'move down inside the cars'

cattle trucks without the bars
a wonder under ground indeed

I need a break

an arm will do
a leg or two
I
I
I neatly forgot the plot it almost had me in a spin
but jammed inside this travelling tomb there's hardly any room to swing a cat

HaHa

I remembered that was what my father used to say on a Saturday back in the day at the football match.

But this is no fun

No sun to see
no friendly faces
******* where there should be open spaces,

seats,
a sea
disharmony
blank looks
no books
only mobiles
trials and tribulation

dirt poor ventilation

Methinks this tube train stinks.

Shakespeare, had he not been dead would have said?

my kingdom for a horse, but of course he did say that,

I wonder if he ever swung a cat.

Gotta go
Loads to see
Tottenham court road
is calling me.

moving down inside the car.