here i am
thinking about a boy who wanted to live in virginia.
here i am
wondering what i did wrong,
and how i managed to misunderstand
every little thing.
here i am
regretting wasting over a year
convincing myself that we could be perfect
and beating myself up when we didn’t live up to that expectation.
every day, without fail
for two years-
well, one and two thirds-
we’d pass each other in the hallway
and either smile,
or you’d say something-
something friendly, or weird, or obnoxious.
even when we were angry with each other,
we’d speak silently
with avoided eye contact
and brisk walks.
now, as i learn that we’ll never have a moment like that again,
the last one is burned into my mind.
you loudly joked
about me being sick,
when i passed you in the history hallway
like i did every single day this year.
i think i’m gonna miss those moments
more than i will ever admit to you.
maybe in a year,
when i graduate and head to bama
you’ll pass me in the dining hall
and we can start our routine over again.
you became a memory
in the same way you became a moment-
slow at first
with car rides
and football games.
with missed calls
and changed plans.
and then in a rush
of butterflies and smiles
of laughter and deep conversations-
of days without speaking
and nights spent thinking of someone else.
i wonder if you like
or is breaking my heart
the only game you like to play?
the other day i told you
that i love the smell of fresh laundry
warm to the touch,
it smells like home.
i said i loved gilmore girls
because watching it made me feel at home.
i never realized how desperately i cling
to the comforting feeling of being home.
my face fills with the same familiar warmth
when i sit too close to you on the bus
or lean on you at the game.
you feel like home
i never want to lose that feeling.
it’s almost silly
how perfect this is.
when i’m too sensitive
you’re logical and empathetic.
when i plan a perfect future
you tell me that it might not happen that way
and that that’s okay.
you want to be a leader
with intelligent advisors helping you along the way;
i would much rather help someone achieve great things than have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
when i’m distracted
you pull my focus back in.
when i’m discouraged
you tell me how it will all work out.
when i’m sad
you beg for me to confide in you.
when you convince yourself that you’re right
i offer a different perspective.
i haven’t seen home alone
and you haven’t seen mamma mia.
you’re a jfk
and i’m a jackie.
everyone sees it but you