the pieces of
us
are set in motion

to travel
in this time
on our planet
together

sharing the same days
and the same nights

the same oceans
and the same skys

all of our time
here
together

and through
which ever way
we touch

through
which ever time
we span

where ever
we may
be

we can choose
to travel
our lifetimes

with
and within
each other

and to what ever
end
our time will
set aside
for us

we can take
comfort

in that

we will
not be alone

we do not travel
this time alone

because now
we have each other

I'm going to close my eyes
and step away
for a little while at least.
It is my fervent hope
that i have walked gently
among your poems.
And with all my heart
i hope i have never kicked up the dust
made a fuss
nor been unkind.
I can only hope that my words were enough,
whether it be an "oh that's lovely"
to a " ******* you're a genius"...
i hope they were enough.
I think i will come back...
maybe
probably
i don't know.
All i do know is that
this fluffy little bear
is going on an adventure.

i'm not broken
sure
i've been through a lot
i've been beaten
and worse
i find it hard to trust
and sometimes
i trust
too much
i remain closed off
and yet open
so
wide
i am vulnerable
scared
an anxious bundle of worries
a truly happy soul
i love
i cry
i make bad choices
i believe in fairy tales
i believe in happy endings
yet i see dragons
in men
and their demons
within
but i see light too
in the hearts
of good men
and often
i cower
from both
i have lived
when i thought
i would die
i suffered
the things words
cannot say
and yet
i am not broken
**** that
the last thing
i will ever be
is broken

im going to live
by myself
surrounded by
friends
family
loved ones
thoughts
books
nature
silence
peace
solitude

cats..

but i am not alone
nor am i lonely

i have me
and right now

i am more than enough

Hey Johnny where are you now?
You left, and never came back, just like you said you would.
And now i have heard that you died, my Darling.

You were always my Darling, and i was always your 'little bit of fluff'
And if what they say is true, i know you'd be ****** as all hell if you ended up in heaven, because hell was always more your style.

But i do hope, if you are in heaven, that it's a heaven made just for you.
I reckon they would have a jukebox that only played Kansas and the Eagles, beautiful women and had Stella and black on  tap.
Oh and a GPZ1100, with no speed limit..
And you know what i mean by that.. you little ****.
You'd be in heaven.. oh the irony

You were the first person i told that i like girls too.
I told you i love their softness, there beauty, their curves, their taste,
the way they taste like me, feel like me, are soft like me and that i had *** while watching a video on MTV with girls singing in the swimming pool.
You said you needed a minute to think about things...
for a very long time.. in the bathroom... on your own..

Your tattoos were beautiful, covering you from head to toe.
My favorite one was the pirate that your friend Pervy Pete did
while he was baked, it was meant to be Long John Silver, but it looked like your Nan.

You gave me my first snakebite and took me to my first gig.
Wembley... Metallica.. ****** out of my head..
Best night ever..
probably.

I taught you how to crochet and you let me paint your toenails..
only the once. And you taught me how to whistle with my fingers.
In the end you told me to shut the **** up, because any minute now a whole **** heard of sheep dogs are going to come running over the hill, and **** us both.

I held your spanners, sat on a crate and had fork oil, all over my summer dress. You said it was a good look on me and i told you that you were beautiful. You smelt of sweat and juniper oil and i could have *** from that smell alone.

Your eyes were the same brown as mine, you used to put your face so close to mine so i could see myself in your eyes. I only wish you could have seen yourself through mine.

If we had ever been together, i would have wanted to have saved you.
And i would have too.
But you didn't want to be saved.
I would have spent my whole life trying. You said you would have hated yourself, to have been the one to have killed me like that.

In my heart we will always be. I knew you loved me because, while i slept in your arms on the way back from the Bulldog Fest, you whispered it to me.

Good bye and sweet dreams my tattooed greasy biker.. my Darling.

I'm grateful you never found out about the life i had without you.
You would have killed him.

I don't think
there was any other
way
to have described
him
I could have
compared him
to the heavens
above
And to the stars
in the night sky
To joy
To love
and beautiful
blessings bestowed
But
he
Gave me
peace
deep
within in my bones
and a belonging
holding softly
to my heart
And so
i find
the only
way
I could have
described
him
was to call him
*home

the sun sets
as he lays down
to rest

a soft touch
of my lips
to his sleeping
eyes
my fingers
tenderly
combing through
his hair

i whisper so quietly
"quel kaima a'maelamin"
his troubles
still linger
between his eyes
and sleep

kisses soft
whispered love
and now
now
they are swallowed
swallowed
by sleeps
soft
whispers

slowly easing
as he drifts softly away
gently kissed
forever loved
as violet and silver dreams
are wished
past his eyelashes  

"take your rest my beloved"

"lle naa vanima"
"quel kaima"

"a'maelamin"
"esta sinome"

*"all is well"

Hey guess what?/?!!!
in ducking drunk out of my dublin house
i cant aven see the ****** floor holy shiv
this is my first druma text ha
a nun a texttiny thingo any more way....................
''''''''''''''''''''''''' colloalp
plEASE FOOT LEAVE OF &&&&&7
i  had so
many bears and now i caint ducking see
won inn i need a leba
in so hungry i could eat a eat any
love yo you assimlle forever
put the kettl on in booming good duel

They say it's the quiet ones
that are the real freaks
but i'm pretty normal
for me

and so..

if by freak they mean
living without regret
within the secrets i keep
and loving all
of the rainbow dreams
i dream
and indulging in
the delicious passions
i crave
and never saying sorry
for the weird ***
what's wrong with you?
does your mother know?
kind of life
i fully intend
to live
then yeah..
maybe they've got a point

and so..

by that reckoning..
i must be
the most unapologetic
and quietest freak
you're ever likely to meet

Silhouettes and shadows
live in your mind
there is no colour
just porous charcoals
swallowed into the void
where the darkness seeps inside
the night is long and dark
and the silence stretches on
for an eternity

Corridors of sorrow
each door opens to the next
closets wide and full
where your misery hangs
a new suit for everyday
you talk in an undertone
muting all supplication
whispering no forgiveness
I am forever in torment

And here lies the devastation
from a time long past
and there is blood on the walls
blood on your hands
you enjoy it's colour
holding it up to the light
it tastes like mine

screams of sadness
echos of tears
shadows of time
if you would only but abandon me
for I am not here
and the shadows..
they are not mine
not mine I tell you
not my shadows
not my blood
please.. don't let them be mine
they cannot be mine...
but they are

I beg of you
let me be
unbind me from your dreams
open your eyes
and see

So silently I lay
among the eggshells
the barbed wire
and the books of memories
but I beg of you
if you would only but unwrite me
then I will be on my way
I will never look back..
I promise

Searching for a way out
I know that I  have died
I know it now
I feel my death
it is in the air
my love
but a festering corpse
my laughter
tolls the end of time
my happiness
an unmarked grave
I lay in Sheol
and in hades you have lain me
but I do not sleep

This is where I reside
and I cannot escape your oblivion
the cage of torment
that you keep me in
you are easily amused

please hear me
just one more time
if you would only but forget me
and let me truly be dead
please
*just let me be

i'm not even
sure
i know
how to love;
not anymore

i think..
all that i had
you took
with you

and now..
now there's
nothing..
nothing but
a you
shaped hole

where there
was once
sunshine

I looked upon my world and i saw the brightness of the day.
A day where all things were crazy busy.
The washing billowed in the breeze.
The cats were milling.
The hallway needed hoovering ... again.
The children laughed with each other...
i know.. unheard of right !! :o)
And although the recycling still needs putting out
and the grass needs mowing .. still..

Contentment was mine.

I had looked upon my world and counted
every single blessing there was to be had.
There were so many that i ran out of both fingers and toes.
And i now know in my heart that i am happy.
I feel it.
Truly happy.

Whether i am destined to be alone for a while longer
or to meet with the one who smiles with me everyday
on the bus...
We could go out for coffee and feed the ducks maybe..
Haha you never know :o) it could happen..!

But.. i feel the contentment of my worlds simplicity.

And so, in my madly busy world i realised...
that after all this time of looking for happiness,
it was right here all along.

I had found it hidden in the the reality of the drudge to work.
The reality of mount washmore.
The reality of my tired bones at the end of a busy day.
The reality of my life, that i am truly grateful for.

I love love love the friends that i have been blessed with..
especially the ones who live in my phone <3
I love the kindness i find in the smile of a stranger.
The giving of hearts through desperate times.
The words of wisdom and of poetry
that i am privileged to read.
Pictures of sunshine and of flowers
from the dearest heart. <3
The gift of undeserved kindness..
that i had never felt before. <3

I look for it and i feel the love.. i feel it.

And even when the dog woofs at the postman fifty times.
And he leaves the gate open fifty one.
Even with the constant level of organised chaos
and cat hair..
Even with four hungry mouths
that own eight hollow legs.
Even when there is no coffee...
Yes, even then..

Even then...

I know it is the real life that i live that makes my heart sing
and gives brightness to my day.
And i am so very grateful for it.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwUGSYDKUxU

i have never met anyone like him before
he burns like the sun
but the moon illuminates
with his light
he is a drowning ocean
giving the shore it's bounty
he rains chaos
and yet
the flowers grow
he is the kind of heaven
that i would not
mind dying for

All I ask
When you
Leave
Is
Just
One thing..

Just
One thing
For me..
Please?

In your story
Please be
Happy
Make every
day
A
New page

Write yourself
As the hero
And everyday
Save your
Princess

And in
Each and every
Chapter
Fight for what
You know
Is right

And..

I love you..

So for me

Please..

All I ask
Is that
You
Make your
Story
Epic

i wish i could bundle up
all of my happy
and all of my wishes

every single
tiny little
smile i ever had

tie it up with hugs
wrap it up in kisses
and send it to you

to make you feel
not sad

she was made of glass
and dandelions
pressed flowers
and sunlight
hair
soft as gossamer
and eyes
the morning dew
her mind
full of daydreams
wishes
hopes
and love
as she danced with air
stepping barefoot
through her solitude
wishing her bones
were not so fragile
and that her heart
would not beat
breaking spun sugar ribs
not made for this world
never to belong
her tissue skin tore
with each tide
every storm
ached her
inside out
but she remains
as her soul
was born of gold
her spirit
mithril
forged
in lakes of fire
so she remains
to love
where she does not belong

They said I might never
fully regain all sensation
I mean
the scars are pretty deep
but
today
i pressed the flesh
testing just to see
Just to see
if the feeling
had come back
and I'm glad to say
it felt good
I could feel the warmth
of my fingertips
gently touching
and I know
that's a good sign..
right?
and maybe
just
maybe
one day
my heart will feel
like it had never
Loved you
at all

I am a lost soul... so very lost.
falling through the floor boards
slipping through the cracks
through the gap under the door
I silently pass and out into the world
where I float upon the breeze
like a thousand dandelions clocks
with no place to land
and I need you to hold me
to tie me to your hand
to tell me I am here
for I can't see where I am
silent me
invisible me
please paint me yellow
let me have colour in your world
let me have colour
cover me in gossamer
and I will become
and my outline be defined
let me be real to your eyes
let our fingers intertwine
take me home
colour me yellow
show me I am true
and I am yours

You can live a whole lifetime and still not gain wisdom.
For it is only gained through honing the skill of foresight.
A skill built by experience and knowledge,
empathy and compassion, love and patience.
The learned ability to think ahead.
To weigh and measure the future.
To then to act, with measured steps.
Correcting and re-correcting your path.
Wisdom gained gives one the ability to rise above,
to see over the head of that which would otherwise hinder your path.
One's choice is whether to use this gift for good or otherwise.
If one has honed and sharpened the gift of wisdom,
your steps will be that of one who is whole.
One who is whole cannot be easily broken.
And the radiance of ones wisdom, will touch the world around.
And your gift will help to surpass all doubt.
It will become a light for your path.

*Choose wisely where you tread, think well of your intentions.
Humble steps make a man mighty, use your wisdom wisely.

something in me aches
you know?
i just can't figure it out
so i lay in the grass
looking at the blue
above

and this ache

this ache
sinks

sinks
deep

deep
into the ground

allowing peace
a gentle peace
to take it's place

and the blue sky
above
tells the truth
to the
brown eyes
below

a
softly
softly
unraveling
truth

and i feel

from the
brown earth
beneath
to the
blue sky
above

it
is
love

let us be dreamers
shall we?
yes
dreamers of dreams
dreams that we
make  
come to be

for no one
who thought
good things
nor held out
their hands

and

loved
(lived)

the way

dreamers

do

could possibly
look back
wishing

wishing
they had dared
to dream
just one more dream

wishing they
had done
just one
more thing

to make their
dreams
their reality

I'm taking a little break from writing for a while
however, i will be trying my hand at storytelling.
And, in my usual fashion, it is quite a thing to behold haha!

And so, for my first attempt, i will be reading chapter one of
Alice in Wonderland..

I can say, with some confidence, it is not in anyway perfect
nor indeed professional. I would also like to point out that i do swear a little bit and do not, at any point, read like a coherent grown up.


  https://soundcloud.com/rachael-435397529/alice-in-wonderland

I still don't
understand it

how you have created
such beautiful chaos
in my heart

you have turned
my world
upside down
  
you have made
stars into
song
the sun shines
it's poetry
upon my face;
even the moon
can't explain its
gravity

how can I
possibly make
any sense
of anything
when i feel
love like
that

nothing is ethereal
there is no peace
tangible world
holding tight
to the bricks
of my life

and it's all terribly
terribly
real

She wore flowers in her hair
even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind
like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
To me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
She spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew i would
never again
go hungry
as i ate every
single
one

you are the most beautiful music there is
every verse tells a story
of a full life
a lover
a fighter
a gentle heart
a battle fought
and lost

the chorus sings
of love and hope
of death and loss
finding your way
forgiveness and regret

and no matter the words
no matter the melody
no matter how quietly
you still sing your beautiful song

the song is you
so sing your heart out
and never forget how to dance
never forget you own this song
it's yours to sing
so sing it

in my room
there's a small cupboard
it's cosy
and warm
like a reading nook
and it's dark
and quiet
but i have fairy lights
so that's okay
that's okay
and cookies
cookies are good too
cookies are good
and there's a blanket inside
made just for me
just my size
not too big
just my size
it's yellow
it's yellow
yellow
like summer
it's fluffy
and
it's.. it's..
safe
yes..
it's safe
and everything will be okay
won't it?
okay..?
okay..
yes everything will be
okay?
so I need to be here
because..
because
the outside
grew very big today
and it hurts
to be
not here
so
I need to be here
and i need small
and i need soft
and i need quiet
i need.. okay

he told her it was love
in the space between
midnight and never
always and forever

he said
i love you
over and over
never really knowing
half the time
what he truly meant

for all of his words
came
from a lonely heart
the heart that proclaimed
"love"
yet
it did not

and he was remiss
in his affection
as
not for one moment
did he inquire
of her favorite colour
nor
for how she took
her coffee

I can't remember
the moment
I fell in love
There were no fireworks
Nor lightening bolts
No movement
of the earth
beneath my feet
Nothing like that..

But..
What I do know is..
it was slow
and sweet
like molasses
licked from a spoon
It was like
an easy
Sunday morning
and sleeping
till noon
Like smooth
creamy coffee
on my tongue
That feeling
of warmth
beneath covers
The taste of your skin
The taste of you

Just..
The way your soul
Loves mine

Yeah..
The way your soul
Loves mine


And All i know is
the world can go to hell
Because I've fallen
In love
And I don't even
remember when

Anxiety is a **** curse.
You are sabotaged by your own body and mind.
It twists your reality like it's in your DNA.
Makes you believe you are not worthy or friendships,
love or even your own reflection.
Choices come in small, extra small or sleep until it's over.
Doubting the safety of the ride to work
or if staying in bed will **** you first.
Is it better to be sick or cry.
To shake apart or hold it together.
Intrusive thoughts are a plague
but maybe you'll die from that too.
Your heart reminds you it can stop at any moment
and to prove the point it then beats so loud
even the dog can hear it.
You don't know why it happens
because your brain is on lock down
and there's nothing you can do about it.
Your very bones betray you
shaking like they have nothing better to do..
like hold you up.
Anxiety takes you hostage
and the ransom you pay
is the freedom of feeling normal.

and that is why
i love you
because i feel
your gentle spirit
in between
each pause
for breath
i feel
your kindness
seep
through my pores
and find
it's home
under my
skin
and i know
in my
heart
you are pure
golden light
and i will stand firm  
beside you
with pride
by virtue of
your kindness
your want
for peace
your love
for those
lowly
and lost