How does it feel ?
Tell me how does it feel
are you drowned in this world
have you forgot what it's supposed to be
Can you feel the world getting old
can you feel your soul shivering in its cold

how does it feel ?
Tell me how does it feel
are you searching for your gold
have you lost all your hope
Swallowed into a black hole
you're losing all control

tell me how does it feel
can you run away across the sea
Do you want to break out of your own skin
shed it all off to be free

Oh would you tell me how does it feel
how does it feel

Have you stayed up all the night
feel the hours passing by

how does it feel
do you see us getting old
still doing what we're told
Or are you sold into a dream

But your words are crumbling in your mouth
when you try so hard to shout
and nothing comes out

how does it feel
tell me how does it feel
does the world still seem real ?

STOP!

Freeze my insides

wait while I freeze my insides

Let me freeze my insides

Cause I can't handle the hate I'm feeling or the hate you give me or the resentment with no reason or trying to find a reason to care I try you try and we keep trying
you make me doubt what makes me me , what makes me smile
am I ever good enough for you
never so
might as well freeze
I will freeze
freeze .



But the truth is I'll just show you more love and wait for you to care over and over again.

Can you handle my roller coaster mind
the way I stop right before I drop 50 stories high
but I don't always spread my wings
I would just die
But I come back
Just to see if you wore black
would you be sad would you wear black
Did you have enough of me
Cause I've had enough of your confusion
And the illusion you make me feel
but you let me fall
You just ride when you want something more
so just let me fall
let me hate you
Cause at the pace we are going I might just destroy you and me
This roller coaster ride is not for free
is costs me pain
and we keep playing it till I'm drained
I can hear the final drops of me hit the ground
the sound is so loud
trikh
trikh
it will surround you and you'll be drowned .

When love turns to a rope slowly tightening around your neck
When it makes your stomach turn but it's not butterflies
when you are exposed
stripped down from all your acts of self boosting
When they've seen you raw
Uncovered all your flaw
and now everything you do is a risk

They might just turn their cheek once
and it will hurt so deep
cause they got so deep into you
just a scratch will leave a scar
Aggravated by your own feelings of love
you can't stand it yet, you cant stand giving them up

And now you know if they stopped loving you, they stopped loving you for EXACTLY who you are

Let me in    
Let go and
Let me free fall through that florescent universe inside you
Let all the colors of the rainbow fall in my eyes the one's that you egnite
Can I live there in your heart right between your skin I'll blend in .
Let me sway between your fingers and fall asleep on your lips.
Let me live my days in your deep sparkling eyes that hide what my mind wants to hide
Let me inside
Let your demons burn me alive
Let your troubles hit me till I'm black and blue
I don't care cause I'm inlove with everything about you
Let you're essence crawl on my skin
So everyone would know

let me in
and don't ever let me go

Sometimes I hate writing as much as I wanna write cause the amount of the thoughts in my head can't be derived as much as I thrived to collect them to make sense of them I start to lose my mind I'm calculating the amount.of times I think about you but at the same time I'm thinking not to think about you and who am I kidding all other thoughts I pour my interest into don't fit my true interest which is you. I get hurt easily and you hurt me easily and I get hurt I get hurt I get hurt .
But you don't even know do you .
even though I show so clearly .
And now I'm distracted by the image on the wall of when I was small so little I can recall. But I was always a bit weird and a bit off but I had strong ambition now it's gone soft I'm in a tough spot of denying who I am for the sake of what I might be .something that might bother me. So I wander everyday all day at what I can be and none of the options I see interest me in fact I really just point out all your flaws in my head the flaws of everyone ive met and im diving into negativity my own made up pool and I swim in it like I'm so cool but the truth is you die from trying to be better than all the flaws you point out and then you start pointing at yourself and there is soo much to point at so many flaws that bring you down and you start to drawn ..
But I need to keep going down this road I was told cause I don't know better how can I when I don't even have the space to figure anything out will I always live in my denied doubt ?
I hear a sound of the AC but in my head it sounds like the shore of the Honolulu where I will be smoking a cigarette and you will be there next to me.
And I close my eyes to the sound and I fall asleep ♡

GN fellow poets

I don't understand how to be
What
         I
            Want
                      To  
                            Be .

Like the front lights of a car flashing right in my eyes  
I can't see.
It's right there I know it is
but I can't see.

and
I don't want to look down
I don't want to look back
and I can't get myself to look up

I just look straight forward at oblivion light
                          Cause
Being oblivious is better than my reality.

The concrete sparkles, as the light of passing cars creates constellation in my soul.

The wind sways on my skin, and it's melody keeps me company .

flashes of your smile echo in my head, and I don't know what I love more you or the memories  of  you on nights like this .

I like the bitterness in my black coffee
I like the singe in my cigarette

And I fall in love with the pain you cause me
the roughness in your words
The bitterness in your black soul
the singe that burns on the tip of your lips

I'm addicted to the bad in good things ..

Crawl up , up on my skin
Inject your essence into me

Nothing stays forever and I'm sick and tired of putting so much effort in trying to weaver our emotions into connections so I can wear our relationship happily knowing that it will get old and it will get cut and it will smell and I won't want to wear it any more.

and now whenever I'm high all I can see is the fall

I can see you becomig busy with others while I find myself some others because I'll be the one you talk to others about saying " ahh l don't feel like doing the effort to hang with her " that is if you still remember me by then .

nothing stays forever

I expect that you won't like me , like I won't like you forever. I expect life to take you away and for me and you to stray but not together.

Because

nothing stays forever

It's so sad that nothing stays forever , but I can't change it , you can't change it , we must understand the reason behind it.
But at the moment I'm just swamped in a pool of feelings behind it.
Reason and logic are upstairs in the lobby drinking some tea it's hot and I like swimming so I don't see myself going to meet them anytime soon I might just drown in this pool.
And never meet my reason and logic .

funny thing is you walk around my pool but you're never in it .
And I'm weaving in a pool and the strings are getting wet and its soo hard and your not helping your just there tanning chilling and the world does not revolve around us.

Agh these thoughts are killing ...

But I'm going down this road whether it's fast or slow we are ganna go .
And I don't even know anymore

Tell me about your troubles

and I might just tell you about mine


Tell me about the trigger to that gun that shoots right through your veins to your brain and fires you up

And sometimes it shoots you down

and you just crawl to a corner trying to heal those cuts
And sometimes the bullet stays there
The cut heals but the bullet lingers in you guts

You have found refugee in me ?
I was an open door
let you into my core
For a while it was your home
and you just messed it up

Now you tell me your story
Like a historical movie
you tell me about the blood the war the fight and the glory
Stating before every painful explanation a
"You know when " "you know how"
Yes I know how it feels when you care too much and you give your all to someone but they wouldn't do the same
When you get put second third but never first
How your feelings and troubles get ignored
how you feel worth less cause they don't really care about you
I know how it sets your insides in flames
How your love hate is like a horrible never ending game
your stuck in it so you keep playn'

I know that cause your my trigger
I'm looking at you waiting for you to figure

while your waiting for my advice ....

He called me up at midnight monday
Talking to me like we have met in another life
telling me how he wants me to be his future wife
telling me about all the trouble he is going through
telling me about his secrets that I never knew

I never gave him a penny of my love
and he got attached
he doesn't really know me and he got attached
to the mystery of me created by his mind
he got attached to his own solution to his own issues
Giving his own thoughts a name that happens to be mine

but the truth is if he ever listened or took the time to know me
he wouldn't be soo attached
like all the people I opened up to
gave my heart to and they threw it in the trash
If he knew how I laugh like a monkey
and how my lungs are burned like ash
how I wouldn't fit his thoughts at alll
how I'm insecure
how I'm never  sure about anything
how I overdose on everything
how I'm messy and irresponsible
how I can never tell a full story
how I can never flirt
how easily I'm open to getting hurt
how clumsy, weird and awkward I am
I told'm
agh I swear I'm not that interesting
atleast not to someone like you

but that intrigued him more
And he was tipsy
he said you will miss me when I'm gone
I told him we are not on the same page at allll

He said tell me one thing
do you love me
and I said no
he said you do cause your still talking to me
and I felt like I wanted to slap some sense into him
I really don't want to hurt you
but where your mind is talking you
I swear it's not true
but he didn't listen
he didn't call to listen

he called to give in to his thoughts
he couldn't let it go
his thoughts he gave my name
Not me
but to him it's all the same
And that's when it got lame

he said I want you
and I almost screamed
I don't want you !
hung up

And now
I'm sorry It had to be that way

Inhaled that burn down my windpipe
Spread through my bronchi to every tiny alveoli
like fire spreading through a forest
reaching every leaf  

feel that singe
Concentrate on that sweet pain
that stain it leaves on my fingertips
A trace of something on me
Proving I'm not empty

Trace of the war I have inside
Shooting those bullets and from my self I run and hide
Because Smoke, Gun powder and tar taste the same
As I'm setting my inside on flames

just to make the burn in my heart seem less dominating
I burn my lungs
and by the end of this night
I finished a pack of cigarettes  
Leaving my body in the destruction of the aftermath  
You can hear my insides cry like a soft melody of jazz

Who really wins a war
after so much loss
but I still fight  
till I can fight no more

Tick
        Tock

    

                          **KABOM

I

don't

want

to  think

the same thoughts any more

I

don't

want

to be here any more

Can I leave

please

can I leave

oh  please

can I leave

can I wander

till I stumble upon where I belong

they would know me

and this life

my life wouldn't feel so wrong

when I'll stumble upon where I belong

The world will be in shades of pink and purple

hazy ...

Surrounded by the germs of the red death
Attacking my immunity with words
poisonous words slowly going up my blood stream
insecurities slowly attacking my soul
swallowing it into a deep deep dark hole
these germs were once my friends
It's disgusting how some"friendships" end

The boredom in the routine that spins around those four walls
Spins around the same people the same floors the same doors
and it itches between my skin
aggravated by the stillness in these repeated motions
lost of all emotions
aggravated by own skin
I spin and I spin in my place
like a beyblade
With so much energy just going to waste
cause I'm spinning in my place .

I want to let go
                        And free fall into outer space.. .  .    .       .             .

A some what wise man once said
what's not written is not real
and I assume vice versa is true

So What if I write about

how you dream about me
and how you think of me all the time
and how you can't wait to sit with me
and how my eyes give sweet shivers down your spine
And How badly you want to be mine ..

Does that make it real ?

Doubted innocence as I grow old
molded  thinking by what I was told
And that blueprint of a normal life
I was sold

Forced advices
Pointing out my vices
You better shut up and not make a fool out of yourself
How could you be such a mess
if only u lost a bit of weight
if only your teeth were a bit whiter and a bit straight
if only your skin was a bit darker shade
if only you could find a good looking mate
if only you could get a better grade
if only you had a better fate

Oh the efforts put to change others lives
The urge to constantly point out what's wrong and what's right  
The way we put up a fight
that's not ours  

would you just let it go
Cause you seem tired
I pitty you
you seem tired
Cause all your efforts are going to waste
and no matter what I won't change
atleast not from you
maybe by someone I look up to
but not you

These society gimmicks do not seem to get to me
They annoy me
but I'm still me
blunt happy old me

I don't want to stop writing these words
No one might read but I write
because what I feel is too deep
what I feel for you what I feel for them
what I feel for everything
I need to make sense of it
I have to
so I won't stop writing
cause if I do I might drift away and end in a dark place where the people around me feel like that animated caroline movie
where everyone had buttons for eyes
they were made of cloth and strings
And She, she  thought she was going crazy
I might be going crazy
Everything is the same
everyone is the same
and the more I learn about this world the less I understand
And how how could it be that you feel something so strong for someone but it goes away
infact you hate them
I don't want to hate
but I do I hate you
And everyone I knew
cause they keep changing
and I keeping loving hating
loving hating
No constants in my life
Cause they're all made of cloth and buttons
And they have buttons for eyes
I used to know those eyes
lies lies
made your eyes buttons
I feel nothing now
I'm becoming a piece cloth and button
come to think I about it
ha3 I wish
Cause I cry every night
and I laugh all day every day
and I want I analyze  relationships
While u see goals
goals
And I see holes holes
You try to paint a realistic picture
while I drip paint my decisions
my life
And you try to figure me out
you try to understand it
till u get bored and you can't stand it
how can you understand if I myself
keep trying to
Let's just go away
and leave this goals and messs
and stresss
Let's go
to fordham road
that's a bad neighborhood
I would walk and walk till it's night time
That's when all the stars come out
I don't know what it is that I wannna say
I don't know what it is that makes me feel this way
but I'm not ganna do what I hear me say
I'm just ganna walk
I'm ganna walk away

The sound of your  drums  
Shook my heart

your soft guitar tune
played the strings of my mind

and that base
oh that base I hear whenever you're around

I loved your melody  
And I memorized the lyrics to your song
I would put it out loud
and sing along

I played it on repeat
till I memorized your every beat

but it got old

and now it's the song I skip
Whenever it comes on

You're a part of me

a part of me that's swollen and sore


Your eyes this look
I know
I know

I know


I know



I knew ..

Our trust as been smudged
like the lipstick on your shirt

The love has been squeezed out
like our old toothpaste that's in the trash

and our conversations keep repeating
like that song on the radio that I'm sick of

your eyes used to pull me in from a distance
Now I'm right next to you and it feels like a magnetic field
Pushing me away
repelling like 2 negatives

I could've and I would've loved you unconditionally ..

Giggles giggles
you can hear a soft cry for help
between those giggles
and she laughs
and then she giggles

Hey you
can you be pure
can you  be true ?
can you stay the way you are
Cause you're cute
when you let go
of all pretenses
And all the hidden agendas
Just be real with all your senses
To what your feeling right here right now with me
surrender

Cause you're cute

you're cute  

I wanna tell you how cute you are

All I want is to stay
with someone I love and rely on
under a tree
have a cigarette
As serenity fills the scene
and it feels like movie scene
We have faded in our own world
Faded like the colors in the polaroid camera
and this doesn't have to rhyme
cause it's mine
my perfect world

Let me write you a song
as my heart breaks and my mind shakes
cause you are perfectly wrong

Helpless to your agonizing power  
all I can do is write you a song
Hoping you'd sing along

cause babe I've been up all night long
with your image replaying like a movie in my mind
a movie about all what you said
it keeps replying and replying
in my head
And all I can do is write you a song

How can you be this great
yet put me in my worst state
I shouldn't have gotten close
but it's too late
I took the bait

All I can do now is write you a song
same old love song
telling you how it hurts
and how I'm addicted
how your eyes take me places
How you keep breaking my heart
and I keep trying to fix it
how I hate, want, envy, lust and love you all at the same time  

Babe you are the best but you bring out the worst in me

As low as this world might drag me
and the hardship attack me

I believe

I believe

In the ones who's voices ache my heart

in the light that they spark

Oh I believe

Even if you strip me of all peace
As I sniff the gun powder
and I bleed

oh I believe

in our hearts
in our souls
there's a garden that keep on growing
even when ruined
it keep regenerating
through the weeds
it keeps growing
Sun flowers and greens

Oh I believe

in the people
and in you god

oh I believe

in the spark that lights from the roughness of the rocks hitting each other

in the sting that you feel when you care about another

We were made to care

We are made to believe

And

I do

I do

I believe ..

لأجلك يا مدينة الصلاة أصلي
لأجلك يا بهية المساكن يا زهرة المدائن
يا قدس يا قدس يا مدينة الصلاة
عيوننا إليك ترحل كل يوم
تدور في أروقة المعابد
تعانق الكنائس القديمة
و تمسح الحزن عن المساجد
يا ليلة الأسراء يا درب من مروا إلى السماء
عيوننا إليك ترحل كل يوم و انني أصلي

الطفل في المغارة و أمه مريم وجهان يبكيان
لأجل من تشردوا
لأجل أطفال بلا منازل
لأجل من دافع و أستشهد في المداخل
و أستشهد السلام في وطن السلام
سقط الحق على المداخل
حين هوت مدينة القدس
تراجع الحب و في قلوب الدنيا أستوطنت الحرب
الطفل في المغارة و أمه مريم وجهان يبكيان و أنني أصلي

الغضب الساطع آتٍ و أنا كلي ايمان
الغضب الساطع آتٍ سأمر على الأحزان
من كل طريق آتٍ بجياد الرهبة آتٍ
و كوجه الله الغامر آتٍ آتٍ آتٍ
لن يقفل باب مدينتنا فأنا ذاهبة لأصلي
سأدق على الأبواب و سأفتحها الأبواب
و ستغسل يا نهر الأردن وجهي بمياه قدسية
و ستمحو يا نهر الأردن أثار القدم الهمجية
الغضب الساطع آتٍ بجياد الرهبة آتٍ
و سيهزم وجه القوة
البيت لنا و القدس لنا
و بأيدينا سنعيد بهاء القدس
بايدينا للقدس سلام آتٍ


It is for you O city of the prayer that I pray
It is for you O splendid home, O flower of the cities
O Jerusalem O Jerusalem O Jerusalem O city of the prayer
Our eyes are set out to you everyday
They walk through the porticos of the temples
Embrace of the old churches
And take the sadness away from the mosques
O night of Al asra O path of those who left for the sky
Our eyes are set out to you everyday and I pray

The child is in the cave and his mother is Myriam two faces crying
For those who roamed
For the children without a house
For those who resisted and were martyred at the gates
And the peace was martyred in the homeland of the peace
And the law tumbled at the gates of the city
When Jerusalem city fell
Love left and in the heart of the world the war was settled
The child is in the cave and his mother is Myriam two faces crying
and I pray

The glaring anger is arriving and I am sure of it
The bright anger is arriving, I will command the grief
From everywhere, it will arrive riding the steeds of fear,
As if the overwhelming face of God it will arrive
The gates of our city will not be locked anymore so I am going to pray
I will knock the gates and I will liberate them
My face will be cleaned by the holy water of the Jordan river
And the effects of the barbarism of the past will be erased O Jordan River
The glaring anger is arriving riding the steeds of the fear
And will defeat whom is in power
This is our home and Jerusalem belongs to us
And in our hands we will celebrate the splendor of Jerusalem
by our hands the peace will return to Jerusalem

You are the best
                       But you bring out the worst in me

You and me
can be
in a world
made
of sweet honey
bee

chocolate strawberries
and a cigarette

Swaying to the melody of the ocean's waves
The sunsets forever stays

where everything you say is so funny
It tickles and it prickles through my tummy
And I cry so happy

Where the sky is pained bright blue and pink and yellow and purple and orange
Where we never feel mellow

Where is this world?
Where is the map that leads to it
Is it Engraved in your eyes
will I ever find it behind those lies ?

I'm doing everything I don't want to be doing  
Deep through my eyes is a portal shattered through space
What am I doing ?

Mornings are mandatory
work college
no where I wanna be

those are my friends ?
Then why with them it's so difficult to be
me

Why is it so difficult to enjoy anything

Fun is becoming hard

hard is becoming every minute of everyday

You're a thought I'm trying to explain
you're like a melody stuck in my brain
you're there but it's hard to keep you there
but I want you there
I want you to be there

Paint me in your favorite  colors
Because what your eyes see is what's beautiful in me
so would you keep looking
when I'm happy when I'm sad when I'm mad
Just keep looking at me

and paint me in your favorite colors ..

Smoke

      Music

           Night lights
                                                  Could almost mistake this for *love

Since the lights went out it has only been getting Darker .

It's sickening how we behave
it's thickening my blood
as I feel the wave
splash through my body
it's taking me away

cause it's sickening how we behave

Everyone loves you when your on top
but wouldn't do the effort
they wouldn't go out of their way for you

My stomach turns
it turns
I can't bare it
I can't hold in this anxiety
like ants crawling through my veins

I love too much then I hate too much
I've got too much to do
too much on my mind
it's too much


But somehow my life seems empty
like I'm never doing enough
it's contradictory it's crazy
it's stupid
I can't sit still
I can't undo this grin
on my face

I'm sick
so so sick of this

Cause it's sickening how we behave
My life is blessed with so much
but honestly it feels like I'm in a grave

this anxiety deep in my core
isn't going away
it's here to stay
Blinded through this life
trying to feel my way

And right now I feel sick to my stomach ..
Could be a sign that I'm going the wrong way .

How can you take such a strong stand
when your land is made of quick sand

How can you be so blind
as not to understand

it's never black and white
it's never just two sides

in fact, it's an equation that can't be conceived
whatever you think it is believe me
you are being deceived.

Why can't I say what I want to say ? Why can't I dance in the middle of the day while I'm walking your way across the halls to get to class why can't I sing and sing and shout why is it not allowed . Why do I have to follow a certain guideline in a conversation why can't I just say random things why does it bother you so much when I'm odd when I'm being whatever I feel like doing or saying .. it doesn't hurt anyone .. I'm not doing anything bad .. god! It's so sad the constrains we put on each other trying to fit in .. why do I have to live life already knowing everything u might do! Why why why ? And why are u scared to love and care too much , I mean I know the heartbreak can do that but still you can care as much as u want instead of wasting most of your caring on trying not to be over caring trying not to over do it cause that's not how others do it ! Again others others why do u care why do we care why do we stare , when someone does something out of the ordinary . Sometimes I get it but putting people down for being who they are that I will never understand.
So ask yourself why not??
why the hell not do what you want when u wanted there are no standards for anything
Don't over think

All that's real to me
Is these angels and demons
Battling my reason
The smoke fills the scene n'
The sparkles on the road
Hunny  

All that's real to me is
The lights of passing cars
The mid night cigars
Burning like the stars
Hunny  
                      
I wanna go
I wanna  **fly