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Were you truly prepared
At the age of twenty-three
to bring your first born into the world
and unconditionally love me?

You said I was a mistake.
But is that really the truth?

Did you know whom he was
when you two first met?
That he would never meet your needs
and you would settle for that?

You said he was rebellious.
So why did you commit?

Were you over your head
when your son made three?
Did you contemplate leaving
before he slept with Sherry?

You said he wasn’t trustworthy.
So why did you stay?

What made you decide
it was for the best
to alienate my daddy
and keep me oppressed?

You said he didn’t love us.
But did he really say that?

When did manipulation
become such a tool?
And why are you so selfish?
What happened to you?

You said you had a good childhood.
But who didn’t nurture you?

Was the little girl adored
cherished and blessed?
Or did terror control you
through your dad and his fists?

You said he was a professional boxer.
Was it gloves off outside the ring?

Was she truly prepared
flying thousands of miles away?
She left a loving family
Did she know the price she would pay?

You said she struggled everyday.
Why did Grandpa abandon her, why didn’t he stay?

Why were you often so out of control?
Yelling and hitting us so much
Do you know how terrifying that was?
Were you really so unhappy with us?

You said you did your best.
Did you know that wasn’t good enough?

Who tore the love
from your little girl’s heart?
Who stole your innocence
and blackened your heart?

You said your memory was bad.
Did you bury the answers deep inside?

Why did you see me
as a caregiver to you?
At five years old
I wouldn’t have known what to do

You said I was your confidante.
Will you ever know the damage you’ve done?

Do you long for acceptance
like I do every day?
Will you ever understand
why I had to walk away?

I know you remain a child of war.
So will I ever stop expecting you to love me more?
6/18/18 #intergenerational #trauma #time2heal #mother-wound
filth in the intestines
brutal trails among my spine
****** shivers through my skin
a quivering thought could set me off
 Jun 2018 Lillian May
Aryeh
There is no shortage of mystery here
For us, conceived in dying suns
There is no shortage of mystery here
For tiny dancing 0's and 1's

There is no shortage of suffering
Everything is being eaten
there is no shortage of suffering
In our mind's eye only, we see Eden

But there is no shortage of mystery
simple matter makes minds melt
There is no shortage of mystery
The holy spirit is matter felt

We suffer for no reason
And for the same reason, we play
For everything, there is a season
But it doesn’t always work that way

Behold the world is stranger still
Are you sure you know enough to worry
You have not begun to understand
If you are not a ball of tears and fury

And you have not begun to finish
Until your laughter fills the air
There is a field beyond our minds
And I will meet you there
His bravery inspired
  a hero defiled

By one of his own
  whose spirit disowned

All memory attacks
  what never came back

   ‘from a war beyond
    winning or losing’

The best of the best
  too early to rest

His brothers in arms
  —his first choosing

(Villanova Pennsylvania: February, 2016)
Beauty
        comes
                at
                  Midnight
                         as
                           hopes
                                 and
                                     dreams
                                              take
                                             flight
                                       peaceful
                                 feelings
                                      of
                              safety
                          and
                      love
                guild
          through
                 morning
                            light.......
Dream Sweet!!!
 Jun 2018 Lillian May
Alex B
Someone stole my color
And threw it to the wind
Scattered like ashes
I don’t know if I’ll ever find it

Someone stole my color
From the face I know so well
I saw it in the cotton candy clouds
And the teal ocean swell

Someone stole my color
I guess that’s where it went
The world looks so much brighter
Like something heaven-sent

Someone stole my color
And that’s what no one knows
Depression isn’t black
It’s the color of a rose

It’s the light orange in a sunset
And the yellow of a peach
Light blue, my favorite color
So simply out of reach

Purple like my favorite eyeshadow
No, lavender, I’d guess you’d say
And my favorite music artist
Although he has passed away

Someone stole my color
Now everything’s too bright
I suppose sometimes darkness
Isn’t the opposite of light

Someone stole my color
So I’ll wear grey and black
As if in mourning
Until I get it back
 Jun 2018 Lillian May
Alex B
Nights like this are hard
Knowing I am not the girl
I used to be
I want to go back
To normal life
Where the edge is not always
Right under my foot
Where laughter and endorphins
Play
And thoughts are happy
Not regrettable
And I can look forward
To thinking about the boy
Who will one day rule the world
And I had hoped,
Mine too
But now nothing feels
Like it will ever amount
My life is ruined
I’m done
I’m out
 Jun 2018 Lillian May
sarah grace
isn't it funny
how one day you're here
but the next you're gone
how one day you're my rock
but the next you're like sand
isn't it funny
people are fun
 Jun 2018 Lillian May
sarah grace
when we met, i expected nothing,
as you should when you meet a new human being.
no expectations, no let downs.
that's the way it works.

when we met, i saw the passion in you,
to be better than anyone before,
to be more than what anyone thinks of you.
but it's not so easy.

when we met, i saw the sparkle in your eye
of something new to be discovered.
of course,
you'd be the person to uncover it.

as i got to know you, i divulged in the truth that
you aren't like everyone else.
but what you didn't realize was
that's not a bad thing.

as i got to know you, i uncovered the insecurities
beneath your skin.
the subconscious thoughts that bar your confidence,
that overwhelm your soul.

now that i know you, i understand that
it's okay to be different.
it's okay to be miles into the race
when everyone else is just starting.

now that i know you, i get that sometimes
you're a little difficult,
stubborn, and strong-willed,
but it's okay, sweet pea.

now that i know you, i'm okay with you.
you're crazy and funny and emotional
and everything in between.
but you're you, and that's alright with me.

now that i know me, i get me.
my mama always said,
it'll get better one day.
now, i finally believe her.
i'm a work in progress, but that's a-okay
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