How can you look into my eyes and tell me you care
when your gaze is burning holes in my brain?
You held me close and ran your fingers, searching for delicacy;
I thought it was because you wanted to protect me,
you knew it as a way to control me.

When you locked your hands in mine,
you said you promised you'd never leave;
I didn't know you meant it figuratively;
please, stop haunting me.

You spoke sweet nothings,
made me smile, made me happy,
but I only soon found that they were just that:
sweet, bitter, sugar-coated
empty words of nothing.

How can you hold my hand
and dig your nails so deep
into the creases of my fingers
and invade my blood-stream

only to tell me to forget you.

(NJ2014) © All Rights Reserved.

I wonder if you would’ve had your fathers nose, 

And my eye lashes.
I wonder if being a little happier could’ve kept you around a little longer.

I wonder if you would’ve made sense of things,
like babies are supposed to do

And of course I wonder all of the little things that mothers are supposed to wonder,
like how it would’ve felt to feel your precious kicks,
to hear your heartbeat for the first time and know it was real.
I wonder if you would’ve been a rambunctious little boy
or a boisterous baby girl.
And I wonder if he could’ve bared to hurt you, too.

In some ways
I’m glad you didn’t stick around long enough to find out

In other ways,
I wish I had someone to love more than myself
again

I remember it'd been a solid two weeks
Two weeks of pain and my heart withering away
God I loved you, or at least the man you didn't end up being
But you  
         came
                back?
And like I said it'd been two weeks since I saw you
When you held me against your chest I knew this is where
I belonged. I knew you meant it when you said
                   "sorry"
you had to. You loved me as much as I loved you, remember?
Where did you go?
Why are you with her?
It'd been a whole two weeks and my body caved in against yours. I thought that we fit together like a puzzle.
Your mind is a puzzle.
My mind was wrong.

"Loneliness is a small price to pay for for self respect"
Something that has been said to me so often before. 
But don’t they understand? 
Staring at dead eyes in the bathroom mirror doesn’t beat the artificial “I love you” I’m used to hearing so often, from the mouth that lies through teeth and burns mine like acid when our lips touch.
Silly me, I’m just a child what do I know?
I “deserve better.”
But that’s not what scarred wrists tell me, like lines on paper listing all the reasons it all worked out this way because, for gods sake after the fourth time I’m beginning to think I deserved it.
“Selfish”
“Crazy”
“Immature”
“Untalented”
“Insecure”
They’re right. Dead on. 
He’s right.
What would anyone want with a weathered heart now anyways? 
Sadness hammers at my chest until there’s emptiness!
I remind myself that this won’t last forever
Nothing lasts forever. 
People are right, there is a solace in being by yourself. 
Demons don’t leave you though, even if you fight with them. They never leave.