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Sep 2017 · 254
Suicide note
L Seagull Sep 2017
Life is so ******* fragile
And when you get to hold
Another's heart in your hands
It is so devastatingly terrifying
That this life could slip through
Your fingers
When you were least expecting
Drowning in helplessness
A client left a suicide note yesterday. I would never expect, didn't think he was serious. But after reading the note today... god, how the **** am I going to live if he follows through
Aug 2017 · 444
Illusion of control
L Seagull Aug 2017
As planets and moons eclipse
And the air is permeated
With expectation of supernatural
As if rebirth of the source of life
As if a mother suddenly left the room
And you are not yet walking to
Run after gripping her skirt
Left alone to contemplate your
Smallness and all you can do
Is to soak up the light and
Reflect on its impermanence
And the beauty of
Warm sunlight
Blanketed
By the queen of the night
All
There is
To constancy
Is permanent
Inconsistent
Temporary
Running away
From stillness and predictability
Another flight then another sleepless night
Aug 2017 · 220
Self talk
L Seagull Aug 2017
Never confuse
Connection for luck of boundary
Or
Communication with speaking out loud
Sometimes we get stuck
Inside out bubble
Sometimes we dont get to learn
How to come out
Get lost in the depression and anxiety
Of alienated pride
Nothing but self-centered solitude
Can come out of a
Lack of empathy
If I let you into my life - I care. Your feelings, interests, everyday random impressions - all parts of your world become important. I wish to not only know you, but I wish you well

Here's from one of my favorite books Little Prince:
"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.

"Please--tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . ."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . ."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . ."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."


So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:

"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."
L Seagull Aug 2017
Do not spit in the well - you might be thirsty by and by.
To those who think filters aren't important: Good luck drinking your spit when you find the well unfortunate enough
Aug 2017 · 314
Panic attack
L Seagull Aug 2017
In a momentary haze your mind spins
It droops and falls helpless into a vortex of
Smallness insignificant cold uncaring lonely
Smallness of the day when everything big
Either hurt, or used or didn't bother
It knocks the air out of your lungs that suddenly
Have no cause for breathing for why waste the
Precious oxygen? Yet you inhale in quick desperate gulps
And the ground slips from under your feet
It's all pointless - to save yourself, to seek help, to go on
Too small too emptied and filthy with their intentions
In tension with the needs needs needs...
The hopes that you found suitable for fire setting  
Pointless naive stupid hopes
So hatable you demolish them at once
Into waste under worthless sign
Forget the pain whatever it takes
It left you with blisters and hanging shoulders
With your chin tucked underneath your
Self-worth and you are not walking you are
Dragging yourself along the path
In the direction of pointless consumerism
And fame fame fame is all you wish, its all you hear
It's all you know of care because it's all that keeps them around
Them the faceless the soulless manikins that
Seem to have something you don't
Those hatable bodies that fill up the space
Around your black hole
And you fall and you fall and you fall
And all the things you have don't make you happy
And praise or kindness makes you paranoid
And you take all these little tablets of oblivion
Together in one gulp to forget
Just how far you still are from where you
Wish... if only you could wish to be
There was a choice somewhere in there, made every day for the sake of weakness to fight
L Seagull Aug 2017
Wisdom has no race
Intellect has no limitation
Let curiosity reach for deeper
Insight
See adventure in expanding
Your universe
See through millions of eyes
And understand with
Myriads of minds
At the core of humanity
All is familiar
You are infinite when you
Belong
Aug 2017 · 485
Purpose
L Seagull Aug 2017
The sun is rising
And it is yet again
Another opportunity
To do your best
At anything you partake
To give with open heart
To hear with open mind
To feel without skin
To grieve and remain connected
To be faithful to
What is trith
And hold on
To the meaning
You glimpsed through
Psychedelic haze
That all on earth is one
Therefore to give is to receive
And purpose is that where the flow
Carries you in the direction
Where all that is not you
Disintegrates into thin air
And you are left with
That which is exactly you
Where doubt is absent
Where the feeling of
Transcending something beyond
Your limited experience
Feeds you with nectar
Of that one thing
The most nurturing thing
That no crowds and cheering
Would ever replace
For it is true
Felt most deeply
That connects you to all there is
As a therapist I chose a path in life that turned out to be so much more difficult than I ever imagined. Being praised by professors for my "talent" felt rewarding and even more so seeing the lives of people I worked with change... like that one boy who I ended up writing my thesis on - abandoned by mom and raised in a dangerous neighborhood, suffering from PTSD and ADHD he was the most disruptive kid in his elementary school. In a month of working with him I uncovered that he did not believe he was lovable. I remember the feeling that this was maybe the most important moment I would ever have with him and how necessery it was to say the right thing. So I praised him for having a heart that has the most immense capacity to love which is a gift to treasure. He believed me. Next time I saw him he said he decided to change. The rest of the year I watched him trying for the first time in five years and I realized then that the gift of being so close to the innermost of another human being is the most fulfilling place I could ever have in my life. So I spend every second I have free to improve my craft so one day I can rightfully say I know enough to speak it loud and clear. But if I could I would never charge for what I do now. Because I gain more than I give. And it is a blessing that majority of people too bound to external validation would never understand. There is depth in true connection that is the most profound thing I ever experienced. Yes, it is very difficult to get started in this field because it is so subjective and so filled with conflicted insecure people who do not wish to help you if they think you might have more potential than they do. I have some real enemies who are very close to the top of my field so I have nearly no help from all those people who promised to help me get started in my career. But if I had to die today I would have a few moments to be truly proud of
P.S. I suffer from doubts so the rant above is just a way to shake them off. Not many can understand my path, particularly those who just like the majority of modern people are painfully self-centered
L Seagull Aug 2017
Through stiffness of confusion
That followed me through
These unenhabited terrains
Where human voice or touch
Are but a shadow of a long
Forgotten dream to be despised
Through search for the glimpse
Of that which is alive in this
Pit of self destruction and hateread
For all hope that unavoidably faltered
Each time it resurrected
Something hasn't changed
I am still here
Still trying to be true
And truthfully realistic
Aug 2017 · 265
Harry Potter
L Seagull Aug 2017
Love me on my good days
When I try and believe
That the past is gone and cold be forgotten
Finally all is new and history is to be erased
And after the bad days pass
Break the mirror in your mind
Only capture the sweet strong and wise
Help me escape reality
Help me to stay in my hiding spot
Where I needn't see myself
Needn't saw together the pieces that flew
So far apart I can't imagine them
Back together
Better off treat me as...
Harry Potter?
You're still here
So for goodness sake
Don't have feelings
Be a useful object
Some people are so used to being alone in their world they don't know how to have a relationship. So what is there to do? Hope they'll learn to tolerate and appreciate humanity - their own and then yours. Maybe some day they will find strength to accept their dark, take responsibility for it while still reaching for the light. Only strong spirit doesn't falter. But when it's weak - whatever the reason, it is your own responsibility now
Jul 2017 · 333
Sisters
L Seagull Jul 2017
It's been a long long time
Pride and Weakness
Closer that siamese sisters
Moving down the path into nowhere
Calling each other names
To keep the distance
Afraid to inhale each other's disease
One so humane it is melting
Into a sappy puddle so sticky
And vile and yet so touching
So understandibly sincere
Calling for strength to
Take away the void of eternal
Loneliness
Crawling along with its hand
Turned to the sky
Hoping the godly arm
Will prostrate through the clouds
And carry the weight of its
Sorrowful existence

The other proud it needs
No companion no hand and no
Conversation unless it has
Something to say to keep the world
Revolving silly pride
Its bones so stiff it could
Hardly bend down to smell
The flowers Senses so dead
It could feel no drops of rain
Nor warmth of light
Little did she know
She was only a speck
Waiting to fall to the core through
The cracks of an earthquake
She was in love with death
And the promise to prove
That eternal life wasn't a fantasy
She was the goddess itself
Or so she wished
Wished so hard she did believe
As it marched along in solitude
Yet weakness was all it could think

Split pieces of a puzzle
They walked into darkness
Away from the light.
Yet if only they held their hands
And realized they were but
Mirror reflections of each other
Their essence would merge
Into art most exquisite
Soaked in light
They would become
Strength and Kindness
No rhyme for me today. One of those days I am not friends with words. Just wanted to put out the thought. I might get back to it and improve it some time later
L Seagull Jul 2017
You may spill your secrets
Like the beads of the amulet necklace
And I pick them up submitting to what I know
Is purpose since before the dawn of separateness
I am a gypsy, the healer,
I see beyond what you know
Beyond rational I feel with precision
The gift of insight from beyond
The power that spills over
I am yet to learn how to hold
It's reigns
Of my own eyes that strike and scare
As a judgement you would write above
Your own grave
You are a lost soul
Who seek answers in me
I get lost under this projected weight
But at the bottom of your eyes I find the answer
To my purpose and I know your essence
Better than I know mine - the tormenting question mark of it
And I can only find peace if I give you
What universe wants to give
So free the illusion I am not here to romance
But to serve my purpose
Which I doubt but cannot deny
And until it is fulfilled
I am filled to the brim
With unknown
Something from my last meeting with my friend Babalawoi. He also told me I was a killer. Well, that's for a separate poem
L Seagull Jul 2017
Tied by a rope to the image
Of familiar comforting predictable
Misery seeing not the truth you cling
Like a baby to the cold hateful mother
She drags you through cities and islands of
Solitude filling you up on hate like
Rotten breast milk
They say you're a hopeless case
Unfit for true greatness for you have
So little to give
I say you Fear life more than death
Too many chances to take
Too many disappointments to endure
For the fickle heart Lost and confused
Child full of love
Don't listen to it's song
It only aims to fill you with disdain  
To embrace the hate in you
As one more comforting hateful failure
That proves it was right
All along
Something on a sense of pointlessness you get when watching someone digging its own grave. "He" or "she" doesn't really fit for a person who kills ones own humanity and intone who believes in it

Sometimes people mean so much to us for no apparent reason. And sometimes those people are so full of self hateread they'll **** you just to prove how hatable they truly are. Even if you are the only person in their life who cares about them, and they do care about you somewhere deep underneath all the layers of dirt they cover themselves with for protection. So you stay in the periphery because you are a solid enough person to understand it all and not let in the spit of a snake you knew was venomous. And because nothing it hisses in your direction matters unless you already though that about yourself. And if you do - the thing you need to deal with is yourself, not the snake. But it's impossible to have relationships with those types. So you just stay in case they need you, in case they ever dare to let humanity in. It is oh so scary to them, those little neglected and abused children full of hate
Jul 2017 · 192
Paranoia
L Seagull Jul 2017
Trust is a foreign word
If the voices inside
Are louder than truth
Jul 2017 · 196
Simple
L Seagull Jul 2017
Where gratitude resides there's no hate
Where mind is present there's no death
Jul 2017 · 214
Stone the Hogan dude
L Seagull Jul 2017
Transgressions without
Appologies like heavy bricks
Thrown on a stage
Instead of roses
Smell them and remember
Did I awe an appologie for laughing some time in the past...? Sorry
BTW I don't really want to stone anyone, just a metaphor for my outrage at someone who benefitted from my loyalty giving nothing in return (not that I ever asked for anything except respect) I still stuck around, yet he found not a bit of inner integrity to at least wish me well. Oh well, some people just aren't built for a normal relationship, except therapeutic
Jul 2017 · 257
If Jorge Harrison Was alive
L Seagull Jul 2017
He tried to hide his face
In flower blossoms and
Hopeful chants
Fell into the bottomless
Sorrow of a poppy
Hopeless he stood in front of me
I held his face and said:
Look at the profound devastating beauty
Of all that is around you
The love it takes for the world
To procreate and thrive
That is the ultimate meaning
Achieve it in this moment
There is no tomorrow
While my guitar gently weeps
L Seagull Jul 2017
We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

Oh no, not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World

I laughed and shook his hand, and made my way back home
I searched for form and land, for years and years I roamed

I gazed a gazely stare at all the millions here
We must have died alone, a long long time ago

Who knows? not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World
Jul 2017 · 710
Confusion
L Seagull Jul 2017
Ego is full of words
Peace is speechless
It has nothing to prove
It accepts pain with a smile
And thanks the Earth
For the gift of feeling
When choosing between acceptance and disillusionment remember the pure state of unknown. Life envelops by some grand scenario. I chose to have faith in it.
Jul 2017 · 267
Trivial joy
L Seagull Jul 2017
Random thoughts like bees in the air
Simple and incoherent I catch them with my tongue
Only to swallow the depth in simplicity wrapper
A silly song on my mind and I hug the
Anxiety for never letting me rest
In and out goes the air and I string myself
Onto it like a bead in the necklace of
Everythingness and i know why I'm here
On this earth
Right now it's to fight the urge to dissociate
Into safe space of my imagination
Where I soak up every degree, every sound, every flavor not feeling
Guilty for taking a break to be the mother
My children deserved to have
On days like these there is not enough food
For my hungry mind except words and books
But I do like the grass stuck between my toes
L Seagull Jul 2017
I am sipping drop by drop whatever comes
This cup of destiny and accident
From this air emerges every cell
Of my body and into the dirt it will decay
In its due time without regrets
What loneliness feels like when held
On the open palm of your mind
Like a black hole unimaginable
Overwhelming hurt composed of illusion
That chains of our minds
Imagining connections
To last longer than lifetime
And into that black hole you will
Fall when you seek the tangible
Image to hold up your name
Emptiness and void
So human so feared yet
So nourishing like your mothers womb
Dark solitary primordial essence
Of absolute peace
Drink it up and let go
Buddhists say unatttachment is the goal. I believe them. Life comes and goes, it's all about experience. I think I saw Hulk Hogan. He's doing that weird thing with his hand. He also wears yellow underpants. Randomness is what it's all about)
Jul 2017 · 256
Of insignificance
L Seagull Jul 2017
In days like these speech flows like air bubbles
Of a silent fish that rests on marble countertop
Awayting certainty that comes with end
Not forest of unanswerable perspectives
That cut deeper than veins with judgement

And just like that all history becomes
Newspaper never published but
Its absence more tangible than real
Crumpled folds of fear held the
Sullen guts and useless bladder

Alone in cosmic vastness making circles
Around the sun not chosen
Attracted to the core unfelt
Gazing at the stars terrifying with the
Insignificance of recurrent aliveness
As they kiss each other
Every now and then

And movement was soaked in pointlessness
Chocking on inspiration escaping with
Perspiration and regrets of not being born
As a flying thing that poked its face
Under the surface and always escaped
The mandane shallowness of the salty realm

Last few gulps of insignificance that she never traded
For a set of scales that went with a shade of water
Or ones that fellows followed with a heart-shaped like
The feeling that falters all with a tickling
Of ungodlike triviality but a constant pull
Of destiny and she thought of start
And life that flew through birth and open wounds
'Twas love that made the difference
In the end it was love that made
All the difference
Love given true as a breath from within
Love that melted boundaries tenderly from without
Birthdays are great for 3 am thoughts about dying
A bit inspired by film Melancholia by Lars Von Trier
Jun 2017 · 328
Samsara
L Seagull Jun 2017
With swollen knuckles
That pain my eyes
You grip at the handle of a door
That melts into your hand like hope
Sinking beneath the layers of failed
Attempts to release the light kept
Deep inside you fail and fail and
Fail again to stand and wish
To look outside your prison mind
And trust one thing
That heaven sent mystery
And you fall and fail, fail and fall
You hope like a daydream
Like a tattoo of unfulfillable promise
Like your mother says she's staying
But you know she's only wishing you'd stop crying
Never a heart beating truth
Your hope is such
A cocktail of futility and fireworks
Explosions dangerous so back off your
Mortal vessels a monster's here
So please do be afraid
And if the spark of heaven told you
The reflection is an illusion
And you sense the truth
Of a shattered mirror mind
And sense the purpose
In the undying image
Burned inside your eyelids
I'll run away for good
I'm good at running
For better days when wounds would heal
And world would change
And people take the turns
Hopping on converters clearly defined
Perfection and garbage
Package themselves and seal their limits
With inspected labels of satisfaction guaranteed
Ambiguity doesn't threaten my
Scared limitations
I'll promise you the world and hell
Wrapped together with one ribbon
If you promise me the way I like it
Perversely so the wind carries me faster
In the direction away and gone
Samsara as cycle of aimless drifting, wandering or mundane existence
Jun 2017 · 293
With mother's milk
L Seagull Jun 2017
Dear fear you are the air
I breathe as I tear my face off the pillow soaked
With dreams  of worry
You embrace me with all the meaninglessness
There is to the lethality of this game
Fear to hurt, to be hurt
To be too quick and not quick enough
To be disconnected and connected way too much
I drink you like a daily cup of poison
Like a morning vitamin that reminds me
Nothing is quite how it should
Not yet not enough not what it has to be
Fear of loosing the path
That was never found
And there isn't a way to know
And there isn't really a path
But what if it gets lost
Before it's ever felt
And what if it was felt
But the cup is full yet again
And what if nothing happens at all
If i dissolve into someone who
Isn't poisoned by your awakening
One step at a time you say
And I agree
And yet each morning
I wake to a cup of coffee and a pillow
Soaked with fear
First draft, Just sharing a dose of my morning vitamin
Jun 2017 · 229
Why evil?
L Seagull Jun 2017
For goodness sake why evil
If even true villain prefers to hide
Behind a priests disguise
Why cutting vein that held your
Weight and serpentine glare is
Glued to the bottom of the eyes where soul resided
Now childlike and afraid
What transformation
Miraculous awakening
Yet again, why evil?
Jun 2017 · 484
Attachment to the unknown
L Seagull Jun 2017
Black crow why do you
Sing of fear louder
Than you breathe
The soft embrace of non existence
Is comforting beyond hope
And your hope is
Berried so deep underneath
Scraps of sharp memories
And sweat drenched dirt
That step in the direction of
Unknown makes you fall
Before you feel the ground under
The soles of your tired feet
Why don't you leave, dark bird?
Sitting here perched on the windowsill
Ever so unnoticeably
Glancing at the faces of the living
Urning for something
To remind you of
What you thought yourself to be
With not a grain of sympathy
Abusing only to relate
Quiet, bird, don't spill
The effort don't be like those
Accustomed to play the
Assigned roles
This isn't your tree but you may rest here
And I grew accustomed to
Your quiet noises and loud
Silences
I love silences the most
For the wisdom
Of simply coexisting
In proximity
That is always comparative
Always devastatingly far
And dreadfully close
And if I wanted you to go
All I need is ask you to stay
Something inspired by Poe and pervasively imminent goodbyes. Farewell
Jun 2017 · 339
A gift to self-centered
L Seagull Jun 2017
Clouded delusion of
Axis grandiose
Round and round spinning
Eternity and all there is
Is what this speck of a body
Feels inside the endless universe
One perspective and the totality
Overwhelmingly insignificant
And dangerously vital
Looking from the inside out
To find reflection
Of its tiny authority
Seeing only the pieces that
Resemble all familiar
From the inside in
All else is ******* and boredom
From me to myself
Possessed by none but
Sensation of my existence
Divorced from divine tinkling
Of perfection that could never
Fit in my grip until I finally
Learn to let go
To look from the outside in
And accept the beauty of the
Sand grain's imperfections
And with all my being
Give warmth to feel connected
We are but grains of sand
So let's lay here under the light
Of exploding suns
Feel the life as it flows through our veins
And simply be a good company
self-cenrerdness kills relationships and creativity. There's no limit to perfection but one could only reach for it if able to put the ego aside. People pleasing and lack of interest are both signs that you are far too lost in narcissus world. A very lonely world it is. Particularly sad when truly talented lose connection with the Divine source after getting too much positive validation
May 2017 · 3.3k
Undivided
L Seagull May 2017
It is
And it's changing
The wind into summer shower
Into mushrooms and birds mouth
From river to the sewer
It is and it's changing
From dark to light to dim with
Speckles of sun born by the
Mirror in you childlike hand
You are catching dust bunnies
Sneezing and laughing
And the dirt could be followed by magic
And the kiss isn't greased by the notion
Of sin and the sin is only a word from the book
Death and insanity
Are frightening and profound
Your world is built from
No buts but ands
And they flow into peace
Just as well as the film of oil
On the ***** puddle
Astonishes you with
An iridescent rainbow
Duality is born by fear
You split and separate so
Caught up in the survival game
To keep that face and partake
Of wealth and fame
Empty is locked in the dungeon
And the words interlock
In plain patterns
Yet alive as they produce sounds
And the smell of tangerines
On a tree by the coast of Sicily
Reminds you of the day
When you could still enjoy
The warmth of sun
It absorbed into its juicy flesh
And there's no need to run
No need to stay
No need to cut off the ties
When life offers you more
And the heat and cold are feelings
That gets names as they replace each other
As they flow unstoppable
Dripping reactions
Burning like acid and smooth like milk
All in one glass
And when you have no thoughts
Ask questions
And when you feel the pain
Stay present and consider humanity
May 2017 · 294
Makes sense not
L Seagull May 2017
The boy who cried wolf
No begged for one to appear
Dangerous and disgusting
With eyes that cut through the night
With teeth bloodthirsty
Rip his clothes and skin to shreads
Reminding the boy
Of everything he wished to forget
Oh dear wolf
Prove that I can be your worthy victim
Share this life with me
And swallow the punishment
At the end of my riffle
So I can be legitimately
Disappointed
familiar patterns feel comfortable even if traumatic, so we recreate them all the time
May 2017 · 230
Tell me about risk
L Seagull May 2017
There's a risk in every step
There's also very little choice
The feeling says it must be this way
The mind says turn around and go
The "normal" way
And less questionable
Fall into a familiar pattern
Or pretend to think for yourself
In the end the end is near
And we'll see each other soon
Here or beyond
Yet we fear
Yet so significant our path seems to be
Too important for some to risk
Too important for some
To go along the beaten path
Too important to feel the doubt
Too important to seek the truth
And that was planned too
Silly specs on a giant flying ball
Of dirt, rock and water
May 2017 · 609
It's all good kid it's ok
L Seagull May 2017
All alone in the world is what we are
The rest is but an illusion the rest is temporary
I look outside the window
Pigeons are picking up crumbs
Just like they did centuries ago
The winged dinosaurs of our time
And I am a dinosaur - too big to fit into a
Comfortable frame
I see too much, feel too much, love too much
Hurt too much, think too much
But I don't mind, let it be
I treasure this truth
It injects life into my veins
Pain gives inspiration
It links me to another
When I dive into their eyes
In search of humanity
And gather pearls on unity
That wrap me up with warmth
Of a thousand hearts
With it I am not afraid
To sease and never be again
And when I look my death
Into her cold empty sockets
I  will praise it for teaching me
To be greatful
May 2017 · 266
Usual
L Seagull May 2017
Hectic morning
Lovingly frustrating
Adrenaline rush as ever
My edgy morning self
Not enough songs
Then choices vetoed
It's frozen again
Letting it go before I lose my mind
Crepes for breakfast black tea
Lunch boxes unbrushed teeth
Morning kisses goodbye
Comfortable smooches and a shot of warmth
From ever caring husband
Simple
Then rush to the doctor
Cute middle eastern girl
Head wrap so feminine
Young slender body
Pretty smile
Innocently talking me into full check
With dermatologist
Hell why not
Oh man
Young man
Oh man don't you ******* flirt with me
Before removing my gown
Oh ****
Flashback 10 years ago
How I hated those ******* ***** faces
Flashback public pool in turkey
Eleven years old
Some blue eyed *******
Out stretching his limbs
In a most perversely uncomfortable way
Pretending it's a game
Then rushing to share with friends
Here laughing
Hello to my first adrenaline rush
Ashamed to tell my parents
I'm still here
He is a doctor isn't he?
No worries
He's covered by insurance
******* middle eastern beach
Need a drink
Waiter flirting
Stop looking me in the eye
You old looser
Am I hot?
******* ******* for asking that question
With that ******* expression
Adrenaline is still here
Here to stay because it's nice to be nice
And how I hate those ******* guys
Random
May 2017 · 242
Lost in Aimlessness
L Seagull May 2017
Scribble the feeling underneath my skin
The words don't pour out of me like
Rain I live in this constipated emptiness
Swallowed my voice which knows not
Which route to take led by feeling-less
Senselessness  
Scribble them down and pain me
Into feeling like I exist
Wake me up
I have been asleep
Lost in the nightmare of
Hurtful confusion
May 2017 · 526
Happy Birthday, my little
L Seagull May 2017
From morning to dawn
Whipping mixing baking smelling
Handfuls of what I can't resist
To give
My love for you
Only to see you
Munch it away
The cutest sight
Why
Feeding you feels
So satisfying?
I do hope my little birthday pea doesn't get affected too much by my uncontrollable desire to stuff her with food all day long
May 2017 · 352
Coffins are comfortable too
L Seagull May 2017
Overstepping the limit
The line once drawn by
The enmeshment of all familiar faces
Conditionally loving their reflection
In my face
The pain of falling
Of being alone in the dark is so
Overwhelmingly tangible
But ones who dare
Ones who soar high
And fiercely live
Fall into themselves
Willingly
Off the cliff of familiar
And into the unknown
But deeply felt
Light
Of creative release
May 2017 · 1.3k
Anxiety
L Seagull May 2017
When submerged
There are two outcomes
To allow oneself to drown or to
Fight for your air
But either way
The soul will go on
It's way a lot further
Than you knew
May 2017 · 273
Dig down deep
L Seagull May 2017
...I sat on wet wipes
And now I look
Like I peed myself
May 2017 · 254
Flight to the moon
L Seagull May 2017
The flying feeling of crashing into bits
It's bitter sweet
It's strange
Not to explain
I see it
In the spectrum
Between the light
Of truth at the bottom of my heart
And the deepest dark
Of the sickening sorrow
Instilling life beyond
Reason
And the clouds
Are so ******* beautiful
Apr 2017 · 487
Bardo of the dying
L Seagull Apr 2017
Thy breathing is about to cease. Thy guru hath set thee face to face before with the Clear Light; and now thou art about to experience it in its Reality... wherein all things are like the void and cloudless sky, and the naked, spotless intellect is like unto a transparent vacuum without circumference or centre
Another passage from The Tibetan Book of the Dead
Apr 2017 · 386
Death's Messengers
L Seagull Apr 2017
'All they who thoughtless are, nor heed,
What timeDeath's messengers appear,
Must long the pangs of suffering feel
In some base body habiting.
But all those good and holy men,
What time they see Death's messengers,
Behave not thoughtless, but give heed
To what the Noble Doctrine says;
And in attachment frighted see
Of birth and death the fertile source,
And from attachment free themselves,
Thus birth and death extinguishing.
Secure and happy ones are they,
Released from all this fleeting show;
Exempted from all sin and fear,
All misery have they overcome.'
Anguttara-Nkaya, iii.35
From the Tibetan Book of The Dead
Apr 2017 · 399
Bad taste
L Seagull Apr 2017
Is what I feel on my tongue
Every time I attempt
To utter a phrase
In a futile direction
My rationality
Cannot cope with pointlessness
But  like an unstoppable
Energizer bunny
I go ahead despite it all
Smileless
Apr 2017 · 279
Simple
L Seagull Apr 2017
Brokenness is a pattern
Pull the **** trigger again
See you next week
Apr 2017 · 401
Nurtured spirit
L Seagull Apr 2017
Falling into
Abyss of
Spontaneity
Ultimate
Self-discovery
A little bit too long
Apr 2017 · 769
Unnecessary
L Seagull Apr 2017
Clarity diluted
By the lack of course
I leave you to reflect
On your reflection
Utter confusion and all
Alone with your books
On how to be human
Your sorrows for the lost hell
Your despair at how to
Reach the state of complete degradation
And your fearful illusion
Of fire projected
Onto the blue of the sky
Reaching out for it
Seeking unity only
To blame it for a rain
How much more energy
Will I poor down this drain
To prove myself wrong
Apr 2017 · 368
Reminiscing
L Seagull Apr 2017
Remember the sacrifice
With a warm humility in you heart
Embrace your neighbor
Painted eggs as a symbol
Of mystery hidden in the unknown
The potential of nothing
To become a universe
A mystery in the shell
That faith transforms
Into eternal hope
Three kisses on the freckled cheeks
And all households are
Open to a sense of unity
And the church choir is
Singing with such exuberance
And the sun never fails to shine
And the point is not in someone's power
But in your ability
To absorb the sun into the pores
Of your being
And shine
Baptized as a Christian orthodox I was never a big believer in church. Quite the opposite. But there is something sacred in the ancient tradition of Easter  I grew up with that gives me an empty feeling every time the egg hunt day comes
L Seagull Apr 2017
Upside down world this is
Where even Alice would
Loose her tracks
This forest inside uncontrollable
Lack of purpose
The path is squirming
From left to right
Leading nowhere
But puddles of
Unidentifiable earning
Somewhere between bitter coffee
And lack of sleep
The absence of inspiration
Is seeping at a childhood dream
Air is free of substance
Like the dungeon of a
Crashed butterfly
Fly away little bird
...insect... whatever it is that
Makes you feel safe
The winged mouse
The pterodactyl of your own creation
Tell me what is that truth
That strings all these beads
Into a sufficient reason
To continue the conversation
Apr 2017 · 257
After rain
L Seagull Apr 2017
Silence
Breath purified by rain
Stringing myself back into
This plane
Away from the illusion
Inside this painful
Overactive mind
Sometimes it feels
That there's nothing left to say
And so I breathe
Apr 2017 · 345
To my child
L Seagull Apr 2017
This subtle scent
When I press my nose against
The top of your head
It fills me with such joy
And strength
And fearlessness
To sacrifice anything there is
To me or my life
For the sake of your smile
Nothing that touches you
Even the idea of you
With hate
Can ever be part of my life
Apr 2017 · 249
Poor kid
L Seagull Apr 2017
Tantruming kid is destroying
Against her own hopes
Powerless to keep playmates
All she ever knew was to
Submit or dominate
Never to be mindful
Or show respect to another
So very futile
Golden rule of child rearing: don't pay too much attention to tantrums and ******* up. Give them positive validation when they deserve it instead. Until then, just be present somewhere close and let them know you're watching over them, but don't engage
L Seagull Apr 2017
Spider caught
Inside his own
Spit net
Hungry and so afraid
To be alone
Aging narcissistic
Lost not quite accomplished
Feeling it's getting late
Fearing the dark
Fearing memories
Craving power
Tripping on malice  
And so so cold
Interacting and interrelating
Within the split atoms
Of her hopeless nature
Ughhh I'm tired
Got some giggles from this one https://youtu.be/MMbpB_lsKew
Apr 2017 · 280
Changes
L Seagull Apr 2017
A drop of rain
Ever so slightly
Changes the current of the oceans wave
It ripples and the vast whole
Responds without protest

Staring into my reflection
On the glistening surface of water
So fluidly constant
I find myself containing
Every glance into the depths
Of another soul
I absorbe and discover it  
In the universe inside my mind
Your darkness has a place in me
Now it filled the vacant place
And you find that even snake
Can care enough
To fear and long
And though I placed a particle of me
Inside the dungeon of this
Hurt consciousness
I know the difference
Enough to stay with light
And trust only those
Whole enough to know the truth
My supervisor, the one who so desperarely tried to convince me that I cannot do my work, is fired and I am being hired. There's justice in the world)
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