A client left a suicide note yesterday. I would never expect, didn't think he was serious. But after reading the note today... god, how the **** am I going to live if he follows through

Another flight then another sleepless night

If I let you into my life - I care. Your feelings, interests, everyday random impressions - all parts of your world become important. I wish to not only know you, but I wish you well

Here's from one of my favorite books Little Prince:
"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.

"Please--tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . ."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . ."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . ."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."


So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:

"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

To those who think filters aren't important: Good luck drinking your spit when you find the well unfortunate enough

There was a choice somewhere in there, made every day for the sake of weakness to fight

As a therapist I chose a path in life that turned out to be so much more difficult than I ever imagined. Being praised by professors for my "talent" felt rewarding and even more so seeing the lives of people I worked with change... like that one boy who I ended up writing my thesis on - abandoned by mom and raised in a dangerous neighborhood, suffering from PTSD and ADHD he was the most disruptive kid in his elementary school. In a month of working with him I uncovered that he did not believe he was lovable. I remember the feeling that this was maybe the most important moment I would ever have with him and how necessery it was to say the right thing. So I praised him for having a heart that has the most immense capacity to love which is a gift to treasure. He believed me. Next time I saw him he said he decided to change. The rest of the year I watched him trying for the first time in five years and I realized then that the gift of being so close to the innermost of another human being is the most fulfilling place I could ever have in my life. So I spend every second I have free to improve my craft so one day I can rightfully say I know enough to speak it loud and clear. But if I could I would never charge for what I do now. Because I gain more than I give. And it is a blessing that majority of people too bound to external validation would never understand. There is depth in true connection that is the most profound thing I ever experienced. Yes, it is very difficult to get started in this field because it is so subjective and so filled with conflicted insecure people who do not wish to help you if they think you might have more potential than they do. I have some real enemies who are very close to the top of my field so I have nearly no help from all those people who promised to help me get started in my career. But if I had to die today I would have a few moments to be truly proud of
P.S. I suffer from doubts so the rant above is just a way to shake them off. Not many can understand my path, particularly those who just like the majority of modern people are painfully self-centered

Some people are so used to being alone in their world they don't know how to have a relationship. So what is there to do? Hope they'll learn to tolerate and appreciate humanity - their own and then yours. Maybe some day they will find strength to accept their dark, take responsibility for it while still reaching for the light. Only strong spirit doesn't falter. But when it's weak - whatever the reason, it is your own responsibility now

No rhyme for me today. One of those days I am not friends with words. Just wanted to put out the thought. I might get back to it and improve it some time later

Something from my last meeting with my friend Babalawoi. He also told me I was a killer. Well, that's for a separate poem

Something on a sense of pointlessness you get when watching someone digging its own grave. "He" or "she" doesn't really fit for a person who kills ones own humanity and intone who believes in it

Sometimes people mean so much to us for no apparent reason. And sometimes those people are so full of self hateread they'll **** you just to prove how hatable they truly are. Even if you are the only person in their life who cares about them, and they do care about you somewhere deep underneath all the layers of dirt they cover themselves with for protection. So you stay in the periphery because you are a solid enough person to understand it all and not let in the spit of a snake you knew was venomous. And because nothing it hisses in your direction matters unless you already though that about yourself. And if you do - the thing you need to deal with is yourself, not the snake. But it's impossible to have relationships with those types. So you just stay in case they need you, in case they ever dare to let humanity in. It is oh so scary to them, those little neglected and abused children full of hate

Did I awe an appologie for laughing some time in the past...? Sorry
BTW I don't really want to stone anyone, just a metaphor for my outrage at someone who benefitted from my loyalty giving nothing in return (not that I ever asked for anything except respect) I still stuck around, yet he found not a bit of inner integrity to at least wish me well. Oh well, some people just aren't built for a normal relationship, except therapeutic

While my guitar gently weeps

When choosing between acceptance and disillusionment remember the pure state of unknown. Life envelops by some grand scenario. I chose to have faith in it.

Buddhists say unatttachment is the goal. I believe them. Life comes and goes, it's all about experience. I think I saw Hulk Hogan. He's doing that weird thing with his hand. He also wears yellow underpants. Randomness is what it's all about)

Birthdays are great for 3 am thoughts about dying
A bit inspired by film Melancholia by Lars Von Trier

Samsara as cycle of aimless drifting, wandering or mundane existence

First draft, Just sharing a dose of my morning vitamin

Something inspired by Poe and pervasively imminent goodbyes. Farewell

self-cenrerdness kills relationships and creativity. There's no limit to perfection but one could only reach for it if able to put the ego aside. People pleasing and lack of interest are both signs that you are far too lost in narcissus world. A very lonely world it is. Particularly sad when truly talented lose connection with the Divine source after getting too much positive validation

familiar patterns feel comfortable even if traumatic, so we recreate them all the time

Random

I do hope my little birthday pea doesn't get affected too much by my uncontrollable desire to stuff her with food all day long

Another passage from The Tibetan Book of the Dead

From the Tibetan Book of The Dead

A little bit too long

Baptized as a Christian orthodox I was never a big believer in church. Quite the opposite. But there is something sacred in the ancient tradition of Easter  I grew up with that gives me an empty feeling every time the egg hunt day comes

Golden rule of child rearing: don't pay too much attention to tantrums and ******* up. Give them positive validation when they deserve it instead. Until then, just be present somewhere close and let them know you're watching over them, but don't engage

Ughhh I'm tired
Got some giggles from this one https://youtu.be/MMbpB_lsKew

My supervisor, the one who so desperarely tried to convince me that I cannot do my work, is fired and I am being hired. There's justice in the world)