i could never take for granted
   waking up in a room filled with your heat
      watching the gentle heartbeat
pulsing in your neck
        echoing the rhythmic,
                                                      c­onsistent,
outpouring of love from my own chest

And so powerful a word, sullied by
               frivolous and fickle misuse
now washes over me
                                                    overwhelmi­ngly
when i catch the currents
                     of your warm red tide
                                                            ­      pulling me under

and knowing i can breathe so much better
                                                          ­                            underwater.

Do my words
                               my existence
              
                   my breath
                                                          ­    my hardship

the thud of my feet upon the flesh of the earth

                                      my thoughts of us
                                                              ­                   or lack thereof..

Carry explosives
                                 unruly power
                      omnipotence
                         ­                               demolition
                       ­      daggers

into the satin, slick clamshell center of your chest


The way yours do

                                       To me?

i wish it was easier

            i wish some switch in my methodical brain sent streams burst through the levies

                                       a safe space to land
in all encompassing darkness

  
       but love stays

                                      which makes this pain

                                                                                  unbearable.

im mourning us
                                                   while holding onto what i begged and pleaded the universe
                                        to return to me

But she turned a deaf ear
so now we're here


and I can't yet fix everything.

it's so easy to be with you,
laughing in your bed.

it's so easy to imagine I never left

i'm pulling at my skin again

breaking and hating
my body.

"Why can't we ever see eye to eye?"

Of course not, everyone's a different height

I remember us, the sorry way we slept
        the last night in my bed

The pictures of us hung from briars in my chest
    a nest
                     of infidelity
            uncertainty

Not to another but to a forgotten version

                   of us

for which the other was not
  
                              enough

I was told once that emptiness is bliss

So I pumped my blood full of

ignorance


And temporary fixes

it was then i knew to quit trying
the unrequited lure -- to quit lying
to myself in lieu of her silence
begging to the moon to requite this

but it was never more -- to her
it was never care -- to her
just fistfuls of hair and
fleeting lust

maybe even that was too much.

words
pixelated and white
drawing from a blindness of absolution
in my hands

if what you said rings true,
I never grew
and Foresight implied intrinsic lies
I could never rectify

the monsters I pushed and pulled from her
grew loud in my brain
a steady purr
as I sunk
and sink
into the person I never wanted to be.

If there was nothing
Would you have left?
If there was nothing,
Could you say it with your chest?
As if the matter between us
Split the sky
Your hips
And my thighs
A tigh -tening
Grip
And the curve of your lips
I never noticed
Don’t retreat
Because you’re scared
To meet me
In my room
Under my skin
Beneath the clothes
Hell bent
Give in
Give in
Give in

You used to come to me
When you were happy

And now

From a corded line
At the end of the drive

I can’t say I need you


Because you’re happy
So you have to go


From a corded phone

Even when you know

But I’ll never tell you I’m alone
Or that it hurts
Or that I need you

Because you’re happy
And you have to go


So I’ll sit here.
Dead phone tone.

Because you’re happy now
So you have to go.

I think I need to spend time with a higher power
        but crashing waves and mountain ranges
don’t sit nearby
                       to remind me
that things much bigger than I am
      pull the tides
                             and carve the rock face
and threaten every safe space

I’ve been spending so much time
      crawling between caverns
               and doubtful sounds
to avoid the rain          or keep my shoes clean
               and my mind sane

but cover never shoved growth
                         down your throat
the way that rain soaks your clothes
       and shows all you’ve yet to know


- so go.

there's very few things I'd taste the same way
as the sweetness between your legs
or a golden milk latte

My first taste
              from a different place

                           came from a poison drip

cursed lips
                           and weapons cinched in hips


                  Sexualizing romance for others’ leering pleasure

       now, blanketed security

   I feel no inferiority
  
                   and pleasure is free

for romance is no longer sexualized but prized, and *** is now romanticized

                   and I can feel everything.

I find it exhausting to slow the mind
I find it exhausting to keep up

i've consistently felt painless
   since three days of darkness
clawing ambition from my aching chest
                to mend a void
chiseled by carelessness
                                            and neglect

and at times i've felt angry
for the frivolous misuse
                  of my heart
a muscle weak from abuse
   and never strong enough to love
                                                            ­      just right

but words from the lips on a crisp metal string
          played in my ears and i couldn't stop the tears
carving into my cheeks
                     and crashing the highs

because west coast, they lie
                                      
                      ­            they're not hazel eyes.

the throbbing pain of a headache the drugs won't let me feel

if you get what you deserve
just know it isn't what you've heard

the devil has a way with words.

How is it that the way I feel
Doesn’t appeal
the next day

The next hour

The next second

The next instant?

Sickening green plagues the airways and my burdened mind rests firmly in the folds of my skull
Hewn from dirt and molded like metal—in insurmountable heat

Absent of the pressure which turns to precious stone

Plagued in an illness that my own cells created
Or rather manifested
That nobody can see

And you hear it
You see it
It burdens you the same way it carves holes in my chest
Of deprecation
And inadequacy
That has absolutely nothing to do with me

And you hear it
You see it

So how could I ask you to help me carry
When your shoulders are already weary and heavy

Dare I reach out for the again-th time
I’d rather hurt quietly, convulsed, and inside.

you sped up my heart,
only he had since turned

when lying with you, I felt not steady  
                               hurt..

I forgot I was sick
I forgot I was his

or his
                      or his  
                                             or his

I'm so scared of this and these following words,
because now to that list, I might have to add

a "her"

nobody suspects the girl with a skeleton grin
and dappled sharks on her skin
struck matches on hips,
hitting curbs with her chin  

Nobody asks the weight of the shoulders that shake
Most often with laughter
The tug of a thread, a bold entertainer

keep it that way, in turbulent weather
To make room for the others
That suffer below her

so nobody suspects the girl’s cold chagrin
Of furious self hatred
and loathing within

I love my family more than anything
I just wish they were gentler
                                                      wit­h me

You don't have to tell me why
my gods look like you

My hell was populated with gray clouded flames,
merciless darkened waves,
All-encompassing and blinded by faith
of new tastes

and everything remained the same
                                         sickening gray.

But you tasted like spring
with a touch of grace
and suddenly I could say
the things I felt and learned to need

outside of me.

Instead of drowning in ropes of flashflood restraint,
I clung to your hips
and learned to worship

at the ground of something
                                                   holy.

where to begin?
                                                     not this **** again
            the constant deliberation
                                                    ­                 your harsh beration

is that even a word?


I wouldn't know, you're not here to correct me


But I'll still prostrate myself before you
Never imply, never implore you
to swallow the pride I so eminently taste
on the tip on your tongue in the flames of your space

for I articulated immensely and pure,
I've no pride left -- I've already tried to say

                                   that I Miss You

In the olive branch of thought, or concern, or encouragement


The snicker on your lips at the edge of the cord
Has snapped in my face, in a favored exchange
You say I don't owe you
But maybe I do?
I couldn't tell you why

                                                       I'll still say I Miss You

Chuckle in my face
                                            say I'm looking too hard
when half passed a year, and I saw that you star-        -ted
to write in the place I hold dear to my heart
You played where you meant and you knew these parts

I would puzzle together would puzzle my head
to ensure that your seed had been planted and fed

And I hate the feeling you put in this trough
                             I'll lap at the puddle, still claim that is

All Love.

                        You forget that I know you
From that you can't hide
                         You forget that I know the shake in your voice
When you lie

                                                         Despite your uncanny ability still,
This hostility doesn't suit you
                                         Not that I think that I will
change that as of late.


I just wish you could swallow that burdened mind
The one with the Pride?
The one you never tried

                                                     to combat or control
because control is a need


I see that , I know that ,              so control what you please


But no more, not me
It's me.
It is me.

Can you not at all, remember it's me?

Not a burden
A binding
An obligation "back home"

No pressure
No lectures
Just a box of our notes.

The snipping aversion proceeding the kind
Doesn't look good on you,

I've reached and I've tried.

So I'll favor this favor, because my heart's cured --

Unbandaged,
         I'll tell you I Miss You
                                                          once more.





                                 this time try to
Be honest with me.

we were, we are
a hurricane
a wayward train
torrential rain
scattered, scorched, and singed terrain
but we are NOT debris,
remains

we're beautiful, and effervescent
caliginous, bold
eclipsed fluorescence
tapered in incessant lessons
and garnished in moments of
  
                                                    Heaven

n­o longer in hiding.

i can break down too

in the quiet of a night between two breaths of those i love

I can falter too

I can be imperfect and learning and not the statue of reason and support so many require from me

I can be weak and petty too

choosing to break and release and feel bad for me

I can be human too

hearts can lie sometimes.

in the simplicity of the moment, when the ache and burn of need
so purely bleeds

hearts can lie sometimes,

when you awake to find the need has leaked and you must leave a perfect thing for evidently no
reason.

hearts can lie sometimes.

Every time I look down
The ink on my chest burns red
The taste of the shades of pink in your lips
Grabbing my hips
In selfless descendance

I can almost feel it
Your fingertips
In soulful bliss
I beg for it

did you ever stop writing about me?
did you ever really start?

Bury yourself under leagues of depth and absence of breath
Breaching the surface beneath some fabricated ideal of ****** appeal
Ha.

I wanted you for a moment
Within me and daunting,
Apathetically haunting the halls of my body

How ideal

Till playfulness and zeal gave way to a sadistic rope of detest and resentment
Wrapped around my throat

In drapes of kindness and soulful touch
Eclipsed by the blush of
Nervous lust

Ha

You never were a friend to me
You just want my body

Well kindly get in line
and you will find
The stagnant flaccid undermined
Ability to invalidate my bisexuality
Because god forbid

God forbid

You actually ******* want me for me.

You may not have those crooked teeth,

But I still wonder
Is there somewhere


You can meet                

              me?

i still have your favorite ice cream flavor in my notes
i don't want to forget it
just in case
I still linger on your laugh in the moments off guard, coming across your face on another's page
just in case
i remind myself of the curve of your voice, the tears on your cheeks, and the bulk of porta 800 in my pocket
just in case
i remember the smell of your skin, your ringless fingers laced in mine
just in case
I still hold the breath of our last "i love you"'s in the pit of my stomach
just in case
just in case you change your mind
just in case you come home.

I'd spend days walking the line of your jaw
dipping between the ridges of your mouth
and skipping rocks along your shoulder blades

I'd spend hours on the bones in your hips
sliding below your skin,
form-fitting handles, molding like clay
to the shape of my hands

I'd paint the walls of my skull with your voice
filling the lonely rafters of my ribs,
rhythmic swells through the tides of my mind
following the contraction of your laugh

I'd lose my hopelessness in this  noise,
and from the labyrinth of you
never seek escape

                      
                                  ­                as if i ever had a choice