Five years ago I died.
I don't know if I revived.

****, thirteen really was hard,
But it was the best played card.

Seems like every day in the past
Still continues, overlaps, and lasts.

I don't know if I'm living in the future,
Or staying behind like an immobile creature.

I don't know what happened.
I don't know what's happening.

People just come and people just go,
'Cause relative to arrival, departure is slow.

You want to see the reality of me?
Good luck finding it, if it may be.

I died five years ago.
Nobody noticed.

My mom said she loves me.
My father did, too.

I think I believed her more than him.
I think he only cares about himself.

That's were I got my **** from.
I can't say I'm better than that.

It's all I was taught.
And now it's hard to get rid of it.

I'm pretty gone, now.
Trying to get rid of some things erased me.

It was an overshot,
But it was a shot.

I say **** a lot of things.
A lot people say **** me.

But I'm not them.
They're not me.

What does it mean to be lost?
I might be, even though I thought I found my way.

I thought I stood up,
To get off the ground.

I think it was *****.
That must've been it.

But I think I just crawled into a chair.
I'm a pretty lazy guy.

From a couple feet higher,
I can see where to go.

But without my feet carrying me,
I can't go anywhere.

And though I know a lot of things,
Getting all the way isn't one of them.

I think I died one day.
It may have been five years ago.

I've met the same person eight million times.
She didn't exist.

I did a lot for her.
She was inside my head.

I did a lot for me.
'Cause I'm not quite selfless.

But I could be.
Could I be?

I don't know.
I don't know a lot of things.

It makes me unsure.
It makes me unsafe.

One day that will **** me.
If I'm still alive.

But I think I died one day.
It was maybe two years ago.

Five years ago, I wanted to die.
But only two years ago, my heart stopped beating.

It was all a process.
It was a matter of time.

'Cause no death is instantaneous,
But it happens in a single instant.

I think I still exist.
If not, there'd be no head for this to be in.

It's not all just inside my head.
That's one thing I'm sure of.

But not completely sure.
Only a little bit.

She left two years ago.
She's not here anymore.

I made a new her two years ago.
She's inside my head.

She left two years ago.
I met her seven million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine times after.

But only for an instant each time.
Then she would always turn into another person.

I got used to the phrase.
"Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I wished she'd come back.
But not anymore.

I died two years ago.
She'd be wasting her time here.

But maybe she wouldn't be.
She wouldn't come for me after all.

She would come for other people.
To see people that surely still exist.

Why waste time on the dead?
Better to waste time on the living.

I might not be either of them,
Since I might not exist anymore.

Or I might.
I might still be a few songs, some words on a page, and some marijuana smoke.

I don't know a lot of things.
So I can't be sure of anything.

I started dying five years ago and might have finished two.
I don't know if revived, if I ever made through.

If you wake up with red puffy eyes and messed up hair, a body that would not be considered "perfect" by society's ******* up standards, wearing scrunched and unflattering pajama pants and an old stained T-shirt for a band I don't even like with a sore throat and a pale face, oily skin and rough hands because it's getting cold and dry this time of year, and you sit at the table and have your tea with me in the morning, still quiet and barely awake, how you look then and there will be when I love you the very most, because that's when I know you see our relationship as something that doesn't rely on us always finding each other's outward appearance attractive. But, that is when I will find you the most attractive of any moment in time, when you wake up, and look like YOU.

If I can find a guy who will watch "When Harry Met Sally" with me, without complaint, and will be okay with me talking through the entire movie, at 1 AM on a weekday even though we both have to work in the morning with tea, chocolate, and a fuzzy blanket, while I wear ugly sweats and an oversized hoodie with no make up and messed up hair, and somehow, if he can still find me beautiful at that moment, I know I've found the one.

Thank you for teaching me what it means to find someone not only attractive, but incredible, but know better than to sacrifice who you are to make them like you.
That's pretty much the best thing you taught me.
Other than that, you just **** and really hurt me.
That's about it.
So thanks a lot.

Is any other girl out there sick of society's definition of beauty when it comes to our ***?

I bet she's tall and pretty
I bet she doesn't even need makeup to be stunning
I bet she stays up late with you and sends you late night texts
I bet you two get drunk and high together
I bet she has no qualms about sending you **** pictures of herself
I bet she is in the "popular" crowd
I bet she doesn't complicate everything
I bet she has never cut herself or tried to **** herself or starved herself
and I have done all three
I bet she is everything you ever wanted
I bet she is someone you would miss like crazy if she left you
I bet you barely remember my name
I am the one who sits at home and reads with a cup of tea and a hoodie on
She is the one who goes out and parties, gets drunk and high and strips
I wish you would miss me
Just a little bit

The difference between you and I is
You don't believe in remorse or regrets
and








I do.

I would make SUCH a good criminal. It is a shame I have parents and integrity. Well, some integrity lol. :P

Okay, maybe this is a bad idea. My idea of "healthy" is really used interchangeably with "less".
My control is questionable when I'm in a Broken Mood so I don't want to risk it, it is better not to do anything stupid because I am so sick of living like that.
I'm just going to do a FEW things, but not full on. Even with a time limit, the lengths I'm willing to go to when I'm not in my right mind scare even me, so I'm going to be very, very careful.