I write this for those
Who are complicated like me
Too busy to find a relationship
But not busy enough to be

Lonely as ****,
And when I say that to some,
They are puzzled and befuddled
A single parent raising his son?

How can you be lonely?
That's when I feel the guilt,
Like I'm ungrateful, cuz it's painful
Explaining a brain full of silk

Emotions, that aren't fulfilled
By a child who's a dependent
I can't express the stress on my chest
And secretly lie like a defendant

And whisper everything will work out
When I'm not even sure it will
And it's emasculating to mask the failing
Without someone to distill

Like I do my son, and fill
My head with optimism
That I reciprocate and return, concerned
When they feel like earths a prison

And I'm not asking, ans this isn't
For the pity I despise when given
I just miss, the bliss of a hug and kiss
To remind me I'm still livin

And yes my son gives me this in
The daily grind, but my mind
When I get a minute that's mine
Always wander to nostalgic times

When I didn't question if I'm
In the place that fate with signs
Led me to. Or like many do
Am I lost where you can't find

A lost in found, lost in frowns
Can't find what I lost, no solid ground
Where you say fake smiles are around
And hate it. Only to realize that now

You do the same, another clown
Who seems anything but profound
I use to be royalty. Had loyalty,
but somewhere it all crashed down

So in my Burger King crown
And my throne, built with a stapler
Made of cardboard, matching my scepter Made of
that hallow cardboard tube you get from wrapping paper

You wrap Xmas gifts with,,
and if you Wonder what the paper was used for
It was used by the me in my past, high off his ***.
Who wrapped up my future

And inside was a dead end job,
Sobriety, and some ****
So when life ***** me, I can be lucky
And slap it on my rusty, ... Well you....

Get the picture. And if it sounds familiar
Or not. But still feel a spot
Inside that you tried filling with ***
An unfillable void, u avoid, but can't stop

Feeling it, when you stop. And got
A moment to yourself
I hope this consolation, for the constellations,
not aligning, is a help

Cause I write this, to get it out,
But I post it publicly, for those at home
Who feel the emptiness. When the phone isn't ringing ....
Your not alone

In being alone, which sounds
Like another of life's contradiction
But contradiction is a literary term,
Almost as if to give u a vision

Of poeticness. Where mine is given,
But the give of irony can be fun
Leaving only humor, left for the tumor
That teaches us, that when the sun

Is out. Not not to take it for granted
So I circle back to my son
And I'm sure, that if still unsecure or
Unsure, whenever this poem Is done

Maybe it's time to train your brain,
To regain a perception, that we
Inadvertently trained it to ignore, in horror
Witnessing what wasn't meant to be

And find solace in all or it ...
I know, I sound like a clicheè
Like a cheesy, hallmark card,
that makes you wish, the author had aids

Ok.. Not aids ... But ******, or something
Now I sound like a *****,
But sometimes I see public display of affection
from couples, and I think

You ******* PPL MAKE ME SICK
HES PROBABLY FUVKING UR SISTER
AND WHEN YOUR AT WORK SHES PROBABLY ....
Wait... I can't be bitter

And you shouldn't be either ..
I know it's easier that it sounds
When robin Williams committed suicide
I swear i couldn't help drown

In thoughts. Of how, somebody, so famed  And Loved,
would want to die
which means there's no chance for me..
But logically, it proves that inside

We all have that void. Annoyed,
Wanting it to just fuvk off
But the hard part in life is concentrating on.
What we have. And not, .... the have nots

And remember what you forgot..,
The annoying, overbearing, ones who
Actually do care, about you, are priceless
And trust me, if you have one too,

A mother. Who tries to smother,
so u run For cover and don't visit
Are the ones you give away, on the days
You rather be Alone to pivot

In worthless worries, only to revisit
The same pain, u feed as you fear it
And as I write this I'm rolling my ****** Eyes too,
cuz nobody wants to hear it

But the truth is *****, just like ur mom
But in end it's the only honesty
Left in a life full of broken dreams and fake smiles
toco-sign the promising

Promises no one kept,
when they said "I love you" or I'll never leave
So I'll try to take my own cheesy advice 
 Left in this poem if u do the same for me

So I gift this to you. And my future self
As well, and I can only hope he
Takes the message inside and abide, or try ...
And Remember,lastly, when coping

That just because your lonely,
It doesn't mean your alone ...
Just because your lonely doesn't mean your alone ...
For u.. I wrote this poem ...

Have you ever felt so distant
You just couldn't connect
Lethargic and emotionally inept
In Financial and moral debt

So to me to welcome death
Would be like I over slept
Theyre called nightmares when asleep but awake it's called regrets

So it's hard not to be depressed
stressed wonderin if my birth today
Made a difference or am I just a spec of dust under trumps toupee

left with nothing deep to say
No courage found to encourage me
to the world im just a villager a 3rd
Worlder, cuz life Honduras'd me

humbled me, it's humbling,
but still I fail to be artistic
Being a human full of temptation
Still erroneously narcissistic

Convoluting what's simplistic
And wanting, to want, so filled
Of ****, As the void shifts to over flow the emptiness til unfulfilled

Am I, a contradiction, like I con with diction, as my description
Paints poetic, how pathetic, like **** smelling cologne my depiction

Will still smell like a pool of stool
Can't justify bein my flaws, victim,
When really the fault of addiction
Is self inflicted a decision

Welcoming, compulsory prison
But I rather insult your intelligence
By making *** ups sound elegant
But the truth is there less Eloquent

So every room I enter the elephant
Is an element like it's on salary
That I feed with **** talk like I lead
As the Head of the peanut gallery

Who feeds religiously, hourly
Like bush wit twin towers I grieve it
In pain by its tragedy, but in secret
I Caused but sadly they believe it

When I lie to myself and others and do it Much, I forget what's true
And hoping you'll be less like me
... Is why I confess this to you ....

If he could find a dealer
To sell him the love
He needs to fill the void he tries
To avoid with drugs

He wouldn't be seen as an addict
Feelin axiety panic and rage
But the type of free spirits he loves
He knows, can't be his in a cage

Cuz a cage can't hold those free as a bird
Or the same attraction he finds
Is tainted, so he's faced with knowing
"She can never be mine"

Pained by the absence, their
Presence brings, when felt; is love
So like most, he's left with its ghost
Hoping to silence the pain with drugs

Leaving unfulfilled emptiness subdued
From a temporary substitute
But the dependancies supremacy
Blinds any chance for solving the root

Problem so like many lost
From the cost of being high as youths
Become the old and bitter as they wither,
never to reconsider the truth

Which is letting go and moving on
Sometimes means leaving haunted
Ghosts of those lost behind, but first
Letting go must be wanted

But sometimes embracing the pain
Of what's gone, will always remain
When the love held for it is too great
To recognize the power of a gain

That may come if only he could run
From the memories they hold
That are valued higher than what could be,
refusing to trade it for gold

Within the next treasure he is told
Maybe worth Just as much
But when he tries he can't deny
What's too real for him to touch

And almost feels, that moving on
Will only disrespect the way
He felt, as if yearning was the pay
Owed from the love that became

So when the misery is his company
And those around him judge
He doesn't bother explain,this pains kept,
to remind him he was loved

And that is more than any happiness can Bring,
knowing love can't stay
Not the type held by a free spirit who
Isn't the same if it's put in a cage.

.................
So when the misery is his company
And those around him judge
He doesn't bother explain,this pains kept,
to remind him he was loved.....



"God loved the birds
and invented trees.
Man loved the birds
and invented cages."

---  Jacques Deval

I wish the constant validation
You crave, would be taken
From the one, u think as none
Like me instead of someone makin

You falsely validate the insecurities
That plague u inside
Wanting Ethics to abide, but like
name brand clothing provides

A shelter, you cannot hide
From yourself, when you see who
You've become, who's compromised,
But tries being anyone but you

When the you. is what is true
When I say I love u, I do
Beyond infatuation from landscapin, your **** body, but the you

Who even though knows truth
Of who you are doesn't come from
Validation, she's still cravin, the attention, and needing someone

To make her feel special, even
If it's temporary and then
That's when I'm important again
Who u friend zone cuz in the end

U already had em but when
The challenge craved shows you
The real value lies in the guys who loves u even after they know you

Are a narcissistic mind ****
A playin hard to get expert
But how long before your thongs a throw back like the thong song when heard
By the youth, but outdated,
Is never insecurity or hatred
That's why 45 year old Cougars
Still need to be validated

And then I wouldn't look faded
Or as "settling" does cuz jaded
By a strangers lust, makes me value
What's worthless, but I can't hate it

When thinking about u over taken
By raging hormonal lust
I'd never get jealous like most but
Enjoy the organic rush

But still u hold back on us
I know I'm not what's expected
Doctor, lawyer, executive
But who you are I've accepted

And loved even the things most
Who find hard to love if they knew
The real u, that I know about,
The superficial girl that'll refuse

Being called that or seem shallow
So in poetics she hides
The real person that divides
The class she wants and the lies

That determine who's compromised
And who will stop and see
That constant validation from strangers means more from me

I'm not saying not to be
The ***** girl u are, cuz to me
What u do, makes me more into
You when most wouldn't like if he

Was to get involved with u,
And so I ask. A real hard question
Who really knows u,ur imperfections
And sees attributes that lets them

Know who u really are&accepts; them
Instead of those u let in
That never even knows ur shoe size
Is 9 or that u get in

****** moods, so cold that sweatin
From the fire you give off
Is what comes with a territory Lost
In sanity when it's crossed

By the emotion u toss
And hope it lands somewhere nice
So your loves an std that u can
Only hope for twice

Like siphilous tasted like liquorice
That's what u are and taste like
I know that and still love u, so love
Me like that, and I'm loyal for life

Like children fear the monster under the bed
As adults Sometimes we fear the ones in our head

The subconscious self conscious
Insecurities that park
And most times it's ignored
other times bein scared of the dark

And what lurks, can really hurt
What name brand is your shirt
Career, and social status, do ur legs look fat in a skirt

Society brainwash making us measure success on a scale
That's insignificant, cuz being different, isn't celebrated so failed

Is the notion, when saying to our youth when we teach our children
to be different but indifference comes to those civilians

Who are "special" and don't fit the mould, so the truth grows mold
Leading them to lies it's cold,
&the; world gets more so when old

So it's no wonder they fold
Feeling undeveloped and lost
See what we teach and how we live is a direct breach so let's stop

The bullshiting that only Rots
And change or be upfront
And say "in life you will only be as much as u own" just be blunt

And be honest cuz if we promise what we know is false &fictitious;
Than not properly prepared but impaired are the young who's wishes

Of a life unattainable is what they
Reach for while ambitious
Only2see whats told as malicious, now resentment builds viscous

So let's teach them that only riches
Will get everything desired
Tell them some die working cuz retired is for the rich, & the tired

Are those who's dreams had holes
And those who obtain and hold
All the wealth and prosperity had gold,&enlightenment; takes a road

That has far too many tolls
Sacrifices and hardships
Cause life will give u happiness and love but only so u can part with

What is only obtained to darken
Any hopes you had left
Tell ur kids the only things certainty brings is taxes pain and death

Tell them that optimism is debt
Tell them they would be chastised
For their mistakes or past lies
Watch for the snake that tries

Dreaming is dangerous u can't fly
Follow the crowd and when in doubt
Don't look weak and ask for help
Just do and act as everyone else

And I know u r thinkin to yourself
That I'd never say that to my son
But we both know that's how it is so
Why say we live under a sun

Without rain when we know that most days it's harder than easy
We know vanity and calamity, is why
Some reach insanity as ******

People seem to advance as good people are left to face
The monsters left in our minds closet that we deposit, and faith

Like karma is comforting but fake
So insecure demonic thoughts
Leave no vacancy, so replacing these, to be productive is lost

Without a night light to stop
Using the night life of ***
And other drugs are used to
fight spite, so the right sight is lost

In exchange to rearrange the strange
Plots and be estranged from loss
Until the blame game gives us a way to frame any excuse that we got

To help us except what we forgot
Was only compromised because
We don't believe the things we leave
As lessons when we are loved

And told we are beautiful
By people who later left
But we must learn not to look up to people who breath and bled

And lived the lives we have lead
So look to our past for guidance
To our mistakes for wisdom
And history that repeats to find us

Only needing us, to find us
And look up to who we can be
And then looking up to who you are
For seeing the person u can see

Is becoming of u for just simply
Staying true to what's inside
Being aware of the instincts that goes extinct when we ignore it and why?

To follow those empty inside..
The ones we think are different
But inside is the only way to find
The true individuality livin

Where we find purpose given
And don't need no ones permission
Learn that u don't need wings to fly
Or even need eyes for vision ....

If I die after this poem

If this was my last poem
Would I get nostalgic about home
Would I deny having to say goodbye
As shock leaves me unable to own

The knowledge of the truth, would
I acknowledge my wasted youth
Will I leave the world behind me any better than I came,did I even do

Anything g worth the space I used
Or am I just
At best left as an example to the rest
Of how not to rust

And become unable to be useful
Unable to have purpose
I never expected to be perfect but with the thought of being worthless

I'm left with disgust from lust
And every good thing I've ****** up
The times I was unreasonable, lazy
Petty, confrontational or the trust

I misused, betrayed, mistakes made
And the Opportunity that meant so
Lil that I didnt question its acquittal
So the riddle is why my potential

Was so obviously expendable
Why was I such a disinterested kid
When did I start to ignore wanting
More, when did I accept all I did

And if this was my last poem I think
Id be overwhelmingly disappointed
I think it's time for a reflection, hey
*******?! Do I need an appointment

Have your ppl call my ppl and have them set up a lunch
At a corner table and hopefully I'm able to find a cap that says "dunce"

Cause u done capped the dunce cap
Capacity and with it
You have totally proved that as far as being a fool goes the sky is the limit

Too late now to be timid
Let's open your past and relive it
Gave away a baby for adoption
And often fail sobrietys trail so if it

Isn't your addiction then it's the
Damage preventing healthy livin
even Stevie wonder needs no vision to see your overweight restrictin'

Your future position like a collision
Is what you aspire to
Maybe it's the way they wires you
Why did you have no desire to

Improve or move toward anything
But drugs or
Some-kind of indulging it's revolting
And insulting more

to life's gift, as it sits unused like
It was something that proved
Unworthy of your nurturing so you
Go murdering it with misuse

Negligence that induced abuse
Leaving the bruise clear to see
So you better remember this letter
And what entered to center these

Issues that epiphany issues you
And hits you to make sure u listen to
The prognostic foreshadowing topic
As if a second chance is given to

Be merciful to how un-personable  
And ignorant you are
As if your so useless and stupid it
Would be unfair to not give u par

For 50 strokes, handicap to the joke
And your probably on dope
Or too stupid and slow too see just how insulting that really is although

I hope you don't miss all the implications left here and switch
From the fat balloon shaped ape brain baboon like Bafoon to it's

Evolved form.. Whatever that is
Brain of **** to something with
More IQ to help by leaving you to
match a Popsicles Witt

And lastly I'll give a view to conclude saying if this is the last before u died
than the most poetic thing about this
Poem would be the irony it provides

This is the last ******* time
I rent you space in my head
I've written about you so much
When I'm done I'm like.... Again

This dudes annoying me, get over
It, she's a *****, what can you do
I never asked for child support all
I wanted was our son to know u

But maybe it's better he doesn't
But it breaks my heart that aches
When his preschool made crafts
On ur dead beat Mother's Day

And he had to make one for nana
And asked me where u were
And now I finally get why some parents say, the dead beat ****

That isn't around had died
Cause I rather that than the other,
Which is tell our beautiful son that
The truth,narcissists can't be mothers

So *******, and this will be the
Very last ****** time
I waste a thought , or a tear drop
On your heartless ***, but I

Still hold pity for you!... Why?
Because I know what you don't
That regret can evolve when u let
Important things left, so I hope

I can hold in the joy, when the day
Comes and your blind *** sees
That our child, your flesh and blood
Has a value, your drugs can reach

A life you made, that you trade
So you can run away but one day
All the pain you left me with will
Find you ***** and it'll eat away

At whatever's left of your soul
Whatever's left of your neurotic
Selfish, ****** up, drugged up heart so black, I reverse oscars, and boycott it

So when psychosomatic Psychotic
Psychosis sets in
And you feel sorry for yourself and
All the time you wasted with him

I will tell him. To make sure he takes
What time is left with u and not
Say what I want to which is, let her
Live knowing, the cost of what's lost

Is being a deadbeat. But sought
Will be knowing if I did
That would encourage the son I love
To lose out so I sacrifice for my kid

Something u know nothing about
And probably never will
But 4 years have gone by so fast
Soon the futures the past and filled

Will be your blinded eyes
Full of consequence disguised
As poor u, self pity, ****** cries
Just like the cries our son cried

As I learn to handle a four month
Old baby boy, but hey .. I did
And you'll never know why sacrifice
And a selfless life fills the void which

We use to try and fill with ****,
Parties drugs raves all the ****
That lead us deeper into the darkness
We thought we escaped and hid

10 years of living for only us
Temptation, inebriation lust
Feeling numb cause sobriety
Brings anxiety in society full of

People who grew the **** up
Responsibility. Purpose stability
The knowledge that pretentious
Isn't being clean, so tranquility

Is real when it's felt rather than
The induced, bile filled puke
That's only half as vile as you
And if you ever see me smile *** u

Is what's meant, as I see now
Why we had to part ways it's sad
You were scared to grow up and that
Will catch up with you but a dad

Was just a scary . Trust me I was
Terrified.. Emasculated embarrassed
The years we spent that i cherished
We're all spent high so apparent

is how sobering up left transparent
Facts that say I didn't know
Who I really was, expect for the one
I was when sedated and I know

Now that there's a difference
In the way your emotions process
And now I maybe who we said we'd never be, cubical Steve at the office

9-5 and ya I get it, got it,
I'm exactly what u hate I know
But one day everything u aren't is
What you will be, but *** this poem

**** the nostalgia the reminiscing
See..... I always end up lost
Cause admittingly I can't get over it
When your eyes stare at me off

The face of our son, the ****** expressions the stubborn head its
All you that I see sitting across of me
And thank u for him, so like u left

Us, I will attempt to leave u
Abandoned in this coffin poem
And hope it doesn't follow me back
Like a horror movie villain to a home

I built without u, stop thinking bout u
It's easier to say
Than it is to do, so with a *** u
I mask the pain the scars gave

To remind me what's behind me
So on the day regrets blinding
This pain will be yours cause karmas
Tour can move slowly but finding

Who it's meant to, means it'll get u
So goodbye dead beat goodbye
I hope u drown in the tears u cry
When u see what u trade to be high