i used to think i was too impure
to be loved by someone
as angelic as you

however
i've come to realize
that love is not celestial
not virginal, pure
far from immaculate
sometimes love is as sinful as it gets
sharing your flaws
with someone just as ****** up as you

love is raw
painfully sweet
love rolls you over slowly
and stabs in the heart
love is penitent
love is forgiving
love is holy
not in the spotless, ethereal way

your voice is my holy water
cleansing
your arms are my church
the place i return to every time i need a solace

this morning i woke up
with mascara smudges
and a dry throat
and salty lips
i sat on a hard wooden kitchen chair
as i read an article about the life cycle of a star

i learned that the bigger and brighter the star
the shorter its life,
the brighter it burns
the less time it has before an explosion destroys it
from the inside out
crushing it into pieces
and propelling them into the universe

as i read
i found myself remembering the day you told me you loved me
so much
you could just explode

and i wonder if maybe this whole supernova explosion thing
applies to love
because our love was bright and consuming and fast
and ended in an explosion
that destroyed me from the inside out
crushed me into pieces
that were propelled into the universe

Stuck
between
having you
here
and being
there
'cause we can
neither
be near
or disappear
without miracles
and selfishness
and a trigger
pulling
on my heart
strings

our love is like
salt in the wound
glass on the pavement
needles in the sand

i watch the little red seatbelt sign
flicker off
the man next to me is asleep
he has a british accent
and smells like hotel soap
my ears pop
and i look at the clouds
funny how clouds no longer seem
so solid when you get so close to them
(i guess people are like that, too)
a lady in a polyester red blazer
brings me ****** coffee and smiles
i don't think she wants to be here
i smile back
its just me
hotel soap guy (now snoring loudly)
my notebook
and the clouds
this 53 minute flight
is much too short
and i don't want to come down

the chair in his office was uncomfortable
as was i
when he pushed his wide-rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose
adjusted his stethoscope
and asked
why on earth i would want to have an eating disorder,
my body was so beautiful
his eyes lingering on my thighs
a few seconds too long
as he looked me up and down

in that moment
i didn't know whether to thank him
or get out of the room as fast as possible

i wanted to puke