Men are my vice
I use them
And lose them

I'm an addict
who knows it's wrong
Until I need another hit

I take them late at night
The cover of darkness
Makes me feel safe

I forget about the world
And I feel free
Until I feel awful

I use them for control of my thoughts
And to prevent feelings
That I'd rather not feel

But reality catches up
As I drive home
And I feel *****

If people only knew
What I do in the dark
They'd see me differently

Everyone needs to cope
Some use alcohol, drugs
I cope with men

Men who don't care
Who don't know
What I'm there to ignore

So men are my vice
I use them
Then lose them

And though I feel
Wrong, bad, afterwards
I always go back

your sarcasm sings to something in me that I didn't know was there.
small and tightly packed in the middle of my chest it pulses with light and longing when you speak.
because you say it with a smile I know how to respond
which only makes it better when my words come out sassy and clear
saying what the honesty in me demands but delivered as a joke.
your eyes let me know it isn't taken as one.
good.
you flirt with the enthusiasm of a child but the will and words of your 23 year old self.
at first I hesitated unsure how to respond to your loud efforts when I wasn't sure if you were messing with the new girl or just wanted to see me react.
but you've caught a spark of the fire I put out over a year ago
coaxing it back when I'd forgotten how nice the warmth could be.
but now I want that flame and it will hold because there's a matching burn in your skin when we touch and it's not enough.
you laugh when you notice our mirroring and wonder why whereas I smile because while I've noticed and know what it means I can't control myself enough to stop it happening.
and while the song on the radio says I'm gonna love you like a black widow baby
I just want to love you all the time in all the best ways because while black widows may **** after *** I want you to feel so alive there's not enough oxygen in the world for your body so you breathe harder.
Reality returns when you tell me now nice I look and I'm torn between preening and returning the compliment so you know of course I find you attractive
because your eyes are the brightest blue and your curves look so soft I wish I could put my hands just above your hips but I settle for gliding my hand down your arm and smile as you seem to enjoy it.
We stand very close together so much that anyone not interested would have taken a step back but neither of us do.
And if we were a boy and a girl someone would have broken up the party by now and told us to get back to work
but these silly pedestrians won't see what's right in front of their faces if they refuse to look.

I did a bad thing
And I feel bad about it
Although it took me a long time
To realize it was bad.

I don't want to discuss it
I don't want to think about it
I don't want to hear about it
But it won't leave me alone.

I stop myself
When I see those I used to call friends
And I want to talk to them
But how can I, after what I did?

I feel guilty
And ashamed
And I don't know how to make that feeling leave
Maybe it can't.

I feel like I need validation
Not of my actions,
But that they were wrong
An agreement

I don't know why I want punishment
But I feel like I should be a dog
Submissive to the master
Who caught it doing wrong

And we did get caught
But I was never punished
Untouchable
Innocent

And yet no
I know I'm not innocent
And yet I play no part in the consequences
How does that make me feel?

Not good
Not like I escaped death
Like I got away with something
And should celebrate.

This isn't something to celebrate
It was wrong
And I should have known it then
But I was too caught up

There's nothing I can do now to fix it
Except write this meaningless poem
That I won't show to anyone
To try and make myself feel better.

I want to touch my fingertips
To the center of the brim of your cap
And run them along the edge
One hand in each direction
Until the stiff peak gives way to soft fabric.

I will gently slide my fingers
Under the edge of your cap
Until it lifts off your head
So that I can toss it behind you
To be forgotten about.

I will trace your jawline
While you say things
In that honeyed, gravely voice of yours
Only it's not quite gravel- not that harsh
More akin with rough sand.

Then you will smile
And your teeth will shine white against your tan skin
While your eyes crinkle and laugh
And I will fall, sinking into their pool
Of warm, caramel coffee.

You will find my hand with yours
And interlock your fingers with mine
Holding them both to your chest
Your hands are large, rough, and strong
You only hold my hand, but my body is paralyzed

I'm on the warpath
(On the warpath)

Not another chance, not again, no way
Never gonna let him throw my love away
If he doesn't want it then it's mine to take
If he ever tries again it'll be too late

Long gone now is my innocence
Taken by a lover in his arrogance
Thinking we were just playing fun and games
Not ever knowing I'd never be the same

Now I'm just a broken heart
Who let love tear her world apart
But I'll never let another take me in so far
Cuz I'll be the one leaving broken parts

Get the men off the streets, not a boy is safe
Walking down the road of the mistakes I've made
Scratching out eyes just to get them gone
Can't even have the nice ones tagging along

Tears over him harden like diamonds
Leave me dangerous to the touch
Never again will I see my heart mend
I always gave him much too much

I'll never let this feeling go away
Reminding myself of the chance I gave
Wishing for a love that would never be
Such a stupid girl, I could never see

Now I'm just a broken heart
Who let love tear her world apart
But I'll never let another take me in so far
Cuz I'll be the one leaving broken parts

I'm just a broken heart
Who let love tear her world apart
But I'll never let another take me in so far
Cuz I'll be the one leaving broken parts

I'll be the one leaving broken parts

So here is a tale,
Epic, but true
Of my trip to So-Cal
Written down for you

It starts out in Salem
Such a fine town indeed
And 28 hours later,
From the train I was freed

Of this long ride
Not much can be said,
But for want of a better seat partner
I wished to smack him on the head.

For never such a pompous
Man have I met-
He fancied himself
Better than the rest

And when it came time
To un-board the train
My request for help with bags
Was met with disdain

To add grief to my mood
Once I got to the station
I found that my checked bags
Had not found their destination

But don't fret dear reader,
No, do not fear,
For my story gets better
of my two day stay here.

We came back the next day
My cousin and I
To find two boxes had arrived
The third still being sly

So to the beach we did roam
And many pictures we took
If you'd like to see them,
They're on my Facebook.

While in the water that noon
The ocean clear as day,
With my eyes I did spot
A baby sting ray!

While a marvelous sight,
One I'd never seen before,
I hopped out of the water
Lest my foot receive a sore.

After our play time,
We discovered hunger
And for my first time
Went to In-N-Out Burger

My dear cousin Stefanie
From the mother of a friend
Received many apples
So I pie I did blend!

All by myself
Was the recipe made
Crusts included,
with my memory's aid.

Once out of the oven
And cooled just quite right,
The deliciousness was evident
From the very first bite.

The next morning was my last
Of my trip to California
We thought to see Hollywood
Was a marvelous idea.

But oh the traffic-
We were not prepared
So from walking around
We were completely spared.

Visit we did,
But in drive-by form
So to leave for LAX
I did not long mourn.

Early we did arrive
To where from I would leave
Thanks to the carpool lane
Into which we did weave.

Inside the airport
I traveled alone
This was the first time
I had by myself flown.

Three hours of waiting
Before I got on the plane
Thank goodness I had my Kindle
To entertain my brain.

Once the plane had been boarded
My trip seemed quite short
It wasn't long until
We got into port.

From there it was Tanner
In his Honda Accord
Who picked me up from the airport
And to Newberg I was restored.

And so of my trip
I have but one thing to say:
I like Oregon weird!
California can keep its L.A.

I sing as the wind
Blows in my face
And through my hair
It whispers to me.

Hanging by a line
Spinning and spinning
Getting dizzy just watching
The world around me.

Sometimes when the wind is strong
My people get upset
And they bring me down
Until a calmer day.

[wind chimes]

You text me
When you're drunk
At the bar
Looking for a ride home.

And I reply
Because you're drunk
And texting me
And I know what that means.

So I get on my shoes
And get in my car
And pick you up
Because you're drunk.

I take you to your late-night fast food
And back to your house
And I go inside
Because you're drunk.

I like you
When you're drunk

You smile
And laugh
And kiss me
When you're drunk.

You pull my hair
And hold me close
And love me
When you're drunk.

I get to stay the night
And hear you talk about the future
And I'm happy
When you're drunk.

I love you
But I have a hard time
Liking you
Except when you're drunk.

And maybe it will **** me
Spending my life
Waiting for a man
Who's only around at night

But I can't leave
Because somewhere inside of you
Is a man that I love
Except that he's drunk.

Noun.
The mother of ones father or mother. (mother)
Elderly. (Died December 28, 2011)
Kind. Sweet. Gentle. (If there is a paradise, she is there.)
Bright. Thoughtful. (She made me a Snoopy apron one year for Christmas.)
Loving. (She raised 6 kids, took care of her husband for 55 years, and always made waffles for breakfast when grand-kids came to visit.)
Loved. (by all who knew her)
Missed. (by just as many)
Survived. (1 husband, 6 kids, 4 grandkids, many friends.)

Noun.
The natural force of attraction
exerted by a body (You)
upon objects at or near its surface (Me)
tending to draw them toward
the center of the body. (Together)

You were always looking for a reason to say goodbye.
You should have known the only reason you'd need is that you want to.
There was never a need to lie straight to my face.
Instead you left me with anger, resentment and bitterness.
But it's been awhile since then and I'm better.
Not fixed, not whole, not as if it had never happened.
But close enough that remembering you doesn't make me want to break things.
So now I am here.
With new friends, in a new place, where everything is different.
I'm looking to meet someone new.
Although I haven't found them yet.
Part of me worries that I'm broken, and just haven't realized it.
What if I never find someone, because of what you did to me?

I can lay
right next to you
and never touch you

I can see you smile
from across the room
without kissing you

I can watch you
leave the room
and resist hugging you goodbye

But sometimes
when I'm next to you
you have to ask me to move away

Because for a few minutes
I let fantasy get confused with reality
and I lean against you during a movie

And it's so warm
your arm and mine, touching
for that minute I'm at peace

But when you ask
of course I make room
Because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable

And if you weren't my friend
I would probably try it
just once, to know what it would be like to kiss you

But ideally,
I'll get over this
and when I am, we'll still be friends

So in the meantime
I try not to think about kissing you
and I only hug you when I have reason to

What I'm saying is
I will do what I can
to keep myself sane and our friendship intact

But just know
that with every look I give
I wish I could give so much more.

When it gets dark
And the storm is too strong
The winds won't stop blowing
And the water gets too deep

You can tread water
But only for so long
Before your legs give out
And your head sinks beneath the waves

Your only hope
Is that someone will come along
And throw out a lifesaver
To pull you from the waters

And they say:
"You can't be friends with someone
whom you love
who doesn't love you."

And it hurts
Because the waves are strong
And the lifesaver is tight around your lungs
And the rim of the boat jabs into your stomach

But you do it anyway
You get in
You save yourself
You live

I let go, Jack
And left you behind
But it's not selfish
Because you let go first.

if this was a poem
it would be total ****
because it doesn't rhyme
and there's no rhythm
and there are no answers

You couldn't tear me apart
Couldn't block my sunshine
If all I have left is my happiness
Then I still have everything.

You couldn't break me
Couldn't fold my wings
I fly away from your black hole
You couldn't **** me in.

It's not about the letters, calls or late nights
You kept me chained in your basement
But I broke free of your hold
My freedom is your silence.

My light may have faded
But out of your shadows I shine
I am everything bright
Darkness can't touch me now.

It was easier before the fall
To talk and tease
To play and poke
Fun came easy.

Touch came easy
More so over time
More so after drinks
More so pressed against your truck.

Oh god.
Oh dear god.
Is this what I'd been dreaming of?
It was sweeter than I imagined.

Every kiss and touch and puff of your breath on my face
Was more electrifying
More enticing
Than anything I'd known before.

So I want to kick myself.
For friendship and *** don't mix.
Lasting relationship and one-night stand can't coexist.
So what good are these feelings I have for you?

I can't have you the way I want to have you.
And god I want to have you
But here I sit, alone on my couch
Forcing myself not to call you.

It's not like I'd die without you.
I'm a realistic person,
I know there are more fish in the sea.
But I don't want to find them,
Even though I've reeled out my line
And cast my net in the water,
I still secretly hope I won't catch anything.

It's not like I can't be happy without you
Ever the optimist,
I can always find something to smile for.
But it doesn't stay on my face
It eventually slides off,
And my mask slips back on
Hardening, like stone
Trying to hide my broken heart.

It's not like I loved you
What is love, anyway?
Maybe I don't even know
Maybe it's something you have to feel
And when you feel it... you just know
And if that's the case...
Then I know.

I don't have anything to say
But please don't leave
Just stay here and we can sit quietly together
That's all I want, anyway.

If you were any more
Of all of the things I'm looking for
I wouldn't believe it.

You say goodnight
And it pings at my heart
Because your presence is gone
A little bit of loneliness.

My emotions are jumbled
And I can't express my thoughts
None of the words
Understand how I feel about you

All I can say is I like you
And you're wonderful
And you're mine.

I love your smile
I love the way your whole face lights up when you laugh
I love your warm brown eyes
I love your big strong arms
And how it feels having them wrapped around me

I love that you're a dork
Because I am too
And I love that our personalities complement each other
I love that I feel so connected to you
It gives me such a feeling of togetherness

I love your sense of humor
Which is such a cliché thing to say
But you make me laugh
And you make me happy
And I love being with you

I love how much you care about people
Even though you seem stoic on the outside
I know that you feel deeply inside
Because I've seen that in you
Even when you don't mean me to see.

I love your passion
And your dedication to the things you care about
I love how hard you work to get what you want
And that you always know which direction you want to go
I admire that you don't let anything stand in your way

I love that you care about communicating
I love that you care about how I feel
And that you want to do what's best for both of us
I love you
And what's best for me, is you

I love your voice
Your deep, rich, commanding speaking voice
And your smooth, delicious, higher singing voice
I love watching you preform
I love how you grab all the attention in a room without even trying

You laughed when I fell asleep on your couch
And you called me when you needed help remembering
You texted me when you wanted to see me
And you persisted when I wasn't talking back
You shocked me by tickling me
And picking me up with your arms alone
You were honest with me from the beginning
And you held me on your lap
And always hugged me goodbye
You kissed me like you felt something
And held me like you knew what was there
You said I was worth the risk
And I think you're worth everything
I'm in this, with all my heart
And I just need a hint from you
A sign that you feel something
Because I believe we still have something
We just need a chance
Because love can survive anything
If you let it
Let me
Love you
Because I do

Every light makes a shadow
And every shadow is darkness.
The darkness holds a secret
A secret never to be revealed by the light.
Every person is light
But everyone holds a secret.
A secret buried deep within themselves
Covered in darkness.
When the light meets the darkness
They clash.
There is no neutral or gray.
In the end, only one is left standing.

I remember
exactly the way
your voice sounds
even though I didn't
realize until I heard
someone else's.
I remember
just the way
it felt when you
held my hand
with our fingers
intertwined
and how I longed
for them to stay
that way forever.
I remember
that look in your
eyes when you
were looking at me
and I felt like
the most beautiful
girl in the world
because of
that look.
I remember
the sound of
your laugh
and how even
if I didn't know
what caused
it I still wanted
to laugh right
along with you
because you sounded
so happy which
made me so
happy.
I remember
exactly the way
your arms felt
around me holding
me and just
being there
comforting and
strong and how
when I was in
your arms I
never ever wanted
to leave them
because with
you in your
arms I felt
whole and
complete and
perfect and
that is funny
because to
me you are
the one who
is perfect.
I remember
just the way
your lips felt
when they met mine
because there was
and is and will
never be anything
quite as wonderful
as that feeling
when we kissed
and everything in the
world was wonderful
and I knew just how
much you loved
me and cared about
me and just how much
I loved you.
Remembering hurts.
It is a ***** that
never fully leaves
and always comes
back to bite when
you least expect it.
Remembering hurts
but forgetting...
forgetting would be
unforgivable
because I think
if I were to forget
everything
I wouldn't be able
to live with myself
knowing that
somewhere out
there supposedly
there was someone
for me who would
be perfect for me
and not knowing
that they were so
close.

My heart lay bleeding at my feet
I stare as you tear it apart.
I stagger back as you take your walk alone.

You say you're off balance,
So I go and the sides are even again.
You won't miss me when I'm gone.

You were my best friend and more.
I still want to be your friend, too.
But I need time to heal my heart.

You're not really gone, but to me you are and I miss you.
And I know you're not coming back.
So I'll see you around and we'll say hello.

I try, but can't put into words:
The sound of my heart shattering
The sight of the permanently gray skies etched into my mind
The feeling of your arms... I'll never feel again
The scent of the tears on my face
And the taste of them in my mouth

But my senses are numb.
I notice these things, but don't really feel them.
Isn't it tragic?

My friend is a shy butterfly.
She doesn't want to come
Out of her cocoon.
She is colorful and beautiful and bright,
But she doesn't want anyone to know.
She stays quiet and tries
To blend in with the plain leaves,
To not draw attention to herself.
Only some people notice the butterfly.
And she lets them, if they're kind.
They are the lucky ones.

Hi
Hey
Hello

One tiny little word
Completely non-threatening
Or so you thought
That's what I thought too

Except for when you say it
I can't handle myself
I see that little window
And hear that 'pop'

And I know you just want to talk
But I can't.
Can't say a **** thing.
Because thanks to you

My brain freezes my thoughts
My breathing becomes irregular
My palms start to sweat
And I start to slightly shake

And just so you know
This is not a normal reaction
Especially for me
These things don't phase me

But you do
How do you do it?
You got under my skin
You make me nervous

You're so ****
And you always know what to say
And it always sounds perfect
Coming from you

In comparison
I feel like a silly schoolgirl
Stumbling over her words
And tripping over her feet

Trying to impress you
But not knowing how to go about it
Hoping that just being myself
Clumsy, childlike, passionate me,
Works for you

You surprise me
And I can't think of what to say
I feel like I need a slap in the face
To pull myself together

I've never had a problem with words before
But I feel out of my element with you
I always have a smart reply
But with you I feel like I lost my voice

Sometimes I feel shy
I am never shy
What are you doing to me?
I don’t understand what's happening

You confuse my body, my mind, my heart
My body wants you
My mind knows I can't have you
My heart doesn't know what to do

To get involved?
Or to not get involved?
That is the question
That my heart has to answer.

But it might not be completely up to me
I fear I may be involved, whether I like it or not
But what's to fear?
Except that I might be in too deep.

Let me discover your history
Let me know your deepest dreams and fantasies
I will sit for hours listening to your thoughts
I will welcome your words with anticipating silence
I want to know everything you have to say
I want to be there for all of your important moments
I want to be a part of your best memories
I long for you
As I sit in the library
Surrounded by strangers who know nothing
Missing you
Wishing you were mine

Shadows creep over my skin
Like the empty touch of a lovers hand.
Slowly sliding, moving barely noticed
And yet felt.

One by one people disappear.
Left is the dark spot, the cold
Black hole where they stood.

The silence screams,
And bleeds my heart.

Four, three, two
Almost gone.

How long until none?

Quietly waiting for the last to leave.
Knowing, and yet knowing it cannot be prevented.
And yet hoping it won't happen...

What does one do alone?

I will cry.
Spotlighted on a lone stage.

Dread.

History always repeats itself.
And yet this time
There's nowhere to run.

Nowhere to hide
And yet no music to face.

Where do I go?

Sit in Limbo, uncollected, forgotten trash.

Words written on my hand:
fat, ugly, stupid, *****, ****, stubborn, mean, hateful,
jealous, *******, *****, hysterical, loser, selfish.

The ugly side of me.
I can't hide from it longer,
Because with no one here, there's just me.

I'm too young to have such grown-up feelings
I need a grown-up drink to help me forget.
There's no way around my thoughts
So I push them away to the back of my mind.

But you can't fight a battle you won't win
You can't tie a straight line
Or or white-out a whisper
And I can't find the words to go back to you again

When I say I'm mad at you
I do mean it
But it varies between
Being ****** as hell
But still loving you
And hating you
For making me feel things.

When I say I'm mad at you
For me that means
Being mad at you
Is easier than being crippled
with fear and pain
I can stay standing
When I'm mad at you.

When I say I'm mad at you
It's easier for me to say than
"What you did hurts me because I care about you."
Somehow I just can't
Ever get those words out
But instead
I'm burdened by taut silence.

When I say I'm mad at you
Please accept
Those words for what they mean
That I'm not mad at you
That I love you
That I'm scared
And I don't know how to tell you.

I've never been so good at rhyming
The words just wouldn't come to me
Matching words with matching feelings
Sometimes feels forced or schemed.

But for you I want to try
You make me feel like I could fly
To be anywhere you are today
Knowing this feeling will always stay...
Knowing you'll always love me

I used to be afraid of change
And at times it still seems daunting
But I know life can't always stay the same
If it did I'd never have found you...

And it hasn't always been easy for me
To talk or sing or write about how I feel
It's something that I've been working on
So this relationship will stay strong...

Because you make me want to try
You make me feel like I could fly
To be anywhere you are today
Knowing this feeling will always stay...
Knowing you'll always love me

But knowing is not always so simple
There are fights and hurt and anger all around
And times when I just want to throw you on the ground
And times when I wonder what to do...

But that's just a part of life
You and me we can't deny
That love isn't something you get
It's something you try, try, try for...

And for you I want to try
You make me feel like I can touch the sky

To be anywhere you are today
Knowing this feeling will always stay...
Knowing you'll always love me
And I will always love you too.

Noun.
A profound change (inspiration)
in form (strength)
from one stage (bravery)
to the next (satisfaction)

I was raised by my
Fixes everything
Does it on his own
Came home smellin' like grease and gasoline
Hugging us before changing his uniform
Kind of dad

A do what you're told when you're told to do it
Listen to what I'm saying
Don't talk back to me
Or you'll get it
Kind of dad

A quiet talking
Loud thinking
Says what's on his mind
Doesn't take no *******
Kind of dad

The taught me how to drive
To always tell the truth
Tell someone when you love them
Be respectful and kind
Kind of dad

A don't talk to strangers
Be home before dark
Be careful climbing that tree
Don't hit your brother
Kind of dad

A you're my favorite daughter
We can talk about anything
I love you always
No matter what
Kind of dad

I had built a wall
Layer by layer
Mortar and stone

Until it was so high
And so strong
I thought no one could break it.

But I overlooked something
Because when I was done
There you were.

You just slipped right past my wall
Without even noticing its presence.
I was too surprised to push you out.

And then a funny thing happened
I was happy
And at peace with the world

And reconsidering my wall
Reconsidering
What I was protecting myself from.

I didn't have much of myself
To give away
But I gave you some of what was left

But not so much
That it would destroy me
To have to take it back.

Because I'd been though that before
I gave away so much
And still most of it is gone.

I've been hurt into being
More cautious with my feelings
Than I used to be.

And it turned out to be
A good thing
A blessing inside a curse

Because when you gave that piece back
It hurt
But I knew it could have been worse.

Because you can't break something
That's already been broken
By another.

There wasn't any part of me I gave you
That you could destroy
I didn't give you that.

I keep my heart close to me
Because it belongs to another
You were only borrowing what I had left.

So I will be fine
Because I've been through worse
And you are not my Kryptonite.

Not everyone sees what I see,
But I didn’t realize that you looked different to them,
That maybe it wasn’t so obvious
Like I thought it was.

This confused me
Because I thought I’d have to fight for you
But maybe I discovered my own Narnia;
Hidden, safe from others.

The ground I’m standing on isn’t even
Because I still don’t know what to think of this (of us)
I could ask, but I’ve asked before
Somehow I don’t think it would help.

I look at the moon and the stars and the grass
I smell the night air
And I feel the Universe is at peace.
Telling me don’t hold my breath, have patience.

This in-between step intrigues me
This is all new for me;
The happenings, the feelings, the communication,
And I have a front row seat to how this unfolds.

Would anybody really understand?
We’re just two lovers,
Trapped by our lives,
Waiting for that break in time.

I freeze
When I want to talk to you.
My heart pounds
When I think of you.

I care so deeply for you
More than I thought was possible without love.
My soul… misses you,
Longs for your touch.

Friendship is all you can give
And all I can ask for, for now.
But someday, there will come a day
And then, we’ll be together.

I might be ******* if you ever find all of my poetry about you.

A little perspective
Goes a long way
When the difference between
Perceived pain
And actual pain
Is the difference between
A kiss that must end
And a relationship ended.

please don't leave me
I know there are others
and I love them too
but i can't stand the thought of not seeing you every week.

I cried tonight
because I missed your last dance
and no one could console me
because it was the last one
and I wasn't there.

You're leaving in 4 months
and people keep trying to tell me that
as if it's a good thing you're not just leaving tomorrow
but four months is less than 6 months
It's slightly over a term away
and I can't handle that.

I cried all night
every time I thought about the fact that you were leaving
and i can't stand myself
because I was supposed to be there
and i feel like i let you down.

It will never be the same as it is now
and i'm so afraid for that time to come
now that i've met you
i don't want to live without you



please don't make me.

Raindrops fall on the roof
the way your hands touch my skin.
Your fingertips, light and dragging,
become more insistent,
speaking of the storm about to come.
I feel your palms
heavy on my shoulders.
The tiny hairs on my nape
stand straight up
in response to your thumbs.
Your lips and tongue taste
the one vertebrae
that sticks out at the base of my neck
soft as wind through the grass,
but my insides quiver
through the thunder you create.
When your hands come around to my sides
my stomach shivers,
rippling because your nails tickle
before they dig into my curves.
I gasp through the sensation,
unable to otherwise move with my body in shock.
Tingling pleasure courses up and down beneath my skin
my body as charged as the air
when the clouds have rolled in
but the lightning has yet to strike.

I am too warm
I begin to roll off my socks
one at a time
with my opposite foot
I wiggle my toes
They crack and I feel the coolness
of the sheets
so silky and soft
I want to move my feet around
make a snow angel in bed
Instead I stick one foot
out from under the covers
and settle into the softness
To do anything else
would wake you
and nothing is as beautiful
as your eyelashes resting on your face
nothing is as precious
as the curve of your neck
as the soft contradiction
of your pale cheek lightly flushed
I am still warm
But as if sensing my need you turn in sleep
facing me
Your breath steals across my cheekbones
leaving goosebumps in its wake
It is not in fear that my breath catches
but in awe and wonder
though the strong beat of my heart
cannot differentiate the two
You are a force of nature
stubborn and quick-witted
thoughtful and patient
You are human and strong and self-assured
and I have realized that I love you
My breath catches
You do not stir.

It took me a few seconds
to realize what this feeling in my chest was.

A smile on my face,
a warm, full feeling in my heart.

Oh
Oh

Loved.
I feel loved.

I miss you
In the simplest way
Because you're not here.

It hurts.
I don't have words
For how much it hurts.

I felt like we were soulmates
But I don't even
Believe in soulmates.

My heart aches
Every single day
Without you.

Most days
I can ignore it
And pretend to live.

But I still can't think
About us not being together
Someday.

I am awoken by the rain.

The sound of it drumming against my window
And water hitting water as it splashes into puddles.
As my senses awake, I recognize the fuzzy feeling in my mouth;
Time to brush my teeth.

I get ready for the day and head outside
Where it is still raining.
I close my eyes as I step beneath the clouds.

I feel the coolness of water droplets land on my sleepy, warm skin
I take a deep breath and let the scent of everything fill my nose.
The lilacs and tulips in the yard
Mixed with the soft smell of dirt and the grass
And the air and the rain

That cool, refreshing smell
Like starting over.

Then I open my eyes
The clouds I see
Are a bittersweet gray
The same shade of his eyes at dusk.

The grass is the deepest shade of green I've ever seen it
Being highlighted by the dark light from the sky
It all was beautiful.

I take another look
And another deep breath
And head off for the day.

If I had an inch I'd give you a mile
If you were a frown I'd give you a thousand smiles
I'd give you the world if you asked
But all I want you to have is my heart

I'll write you a song if that's what you want
Then tear it all up if you don't
I'll show you my mind and give you my heart
Just promise you won't rip it apart

I want to know how you are
I want to know your heart and soul
Your voice is a work of art
I wish you could be mine to hold

I never could move on from your eyes
They'd haunt me wherever I go
Quitting isn't always so bad
When giving up on the impossible

Honestly I'd be crazy not to love you
Although the effect seems the same either way
I have dreams of spending forever with you
I wonder if you'd want to stay?

I cry for the boy
Whose own father
Abandoned him as a small child

I weep for the boy
Raised in a shallow world
Who succeeded beyond their expectations

My heart aches for the boy
Who lost his mother
To cancer

And breaks for the boy
Who lost his grandfather
That same year

I cry for that boy
Who does not cry for himself
But who has become an unfeeling man

She started to walk away
Her little show complete
Preformed in front of everyone
But only he knew the meaning-
That she was done.

She could see the door
She had no more purpose here
She headed towards it
Never to enter this place
With trepidation again

"Wait!" Her heart stops
She feels sick, she falters
How dare he
Now she's mad
She keeps walking

"Please, stop."
And she does
But only to respond
Fury evident in every syllable
"Don't even try it."

He walks towards her
Past the people
Milling in the foyer
Some watching
They've heard the rumors

"I'm not going to try anything
But I think we should talk."
She stares at him
Glares at him
He thinks he has the right?

She stands there facing him
Rigid as an iceberg
And just as cold
If this is to be their last encounter
She doesn't want the starers watching

"We can go into my office" Always assuming
"Lead the way" And he does
He doesn't know
That the woman following behind him
Is not the girl he left behind a year ago

Another venture past wandering eyes
She feels the stares
But doesn't turn to acknowledge
Her back straight, head held high
She is ready

She follows him in
And shuts the door behind her
He speaks
"I think we have a lot to talk about,
But we don't have to do it here."

His words ask permission to continue
Permission not granted.
"No. I won't be seeing you again
So we're getting this done now."
"Please-" He tries, she snaps

"No! You don't get to talk!
Every time you talk
You spin words in circles
Until you have me believing
This is a good idea!

"So now I get to talk.
You don't get to do this to me anymore!
Because you've hurt me!
I've let you hurt me
Over and over again.

"But I'm done.
We're done.
You made your choice
The moment you set foot off that plane
And decided I didn't matter.

"Because that's what you did
You didn't call, text, write, or try to find me.
I was here, waiting for you
And you left
You made your choice, this is mine."

She left him in that office
Staring at the open door
Speechless
While she walked away, head high
She didn't look back.

You came into my life in February.
At the beach, of all places.
Of all my favorite places.

When I was wandering through greyscale
You sparked in front of my face, blinding me

And I realized that maybe even though I wasn't looking
In that moment, meeting you was my reason.

We spent the first five months of knowing each other
Distant and casual and nothing other than friendly.
Being separated by 100 miles isn't so conducive for dating.

I think that made things better.
Enough time to talk.
Enough to realize I could be really interested.

In my humble opinion, we started dating September 4, 2015.

When you took me out for my birthday,
I think our thoughts were running along similar lines;
I want there to be more.

I really wanted that to be a date.
For what we were doing to be a thing we could keep doing
And not because I was lonely or I'd been single too long.

But because in a world where I hadn't dated in two years because I didn't want to
And no one I'd met was worth spending my time on
You appeared and I went, "Oh."

I want to kiss you so badly but I'm so nervous.

In no way do I mind being the one to make plans for us.
I'm a Virgo, it's in my nature
And as long as you keep saying yes, I'm happy.

But it was such a genuinely wonderful surprise to have you come back with ideas.
To me, that doesn't say, "We should carve pumpkins"
It says, "I'm interested in spending more time with you."
And that always makes me smile.

Today I got my nails painted your favorite color.
What am I doing?

Half the time on tumblr these days I'm just looking for quotes to describe how I feel.
About life; about you.

These days, you're in most of the dreams I remember.

All I'm saying is at this point I might be in just on the side of too deep to back out of the water without good reason.

And just when I thought I was okay
I find myself back here again
Right where this all started
Unable to repress my feelings
Undeniably in love with you
Unable to do anything about it.

The good news is
I only have to hide this from you
For five more weeks
The bad news is
I only have you
For five more weeks