Last night I leaned on the back of my car and cried because change is hard. Life can so easily throw you a curve ball, it gives you something great then takes it away faster than you can blink. My eyes burned from the tears like my lungs burned from a long drag of a cigarette
I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that at this time a few nights ago I was dancing with my best friends around a fire, but tonight I’m alone on a strangers couch. Trying to make since of it all is so exhausting. I’m still trying to figure out if I left my heart in all the empty bottles or if it’s somewhere in his bed from all the nights I spent with him.
I know I’ll find it somewhere but I think I’m searching for it in all the wrong places
I cried in the back seat of a boy’s car because I begged him to stop but the alcohol must have drowned his senses because the pain of my body becoming something meaningless again was a cry that he couldn’t hear. He asked me why I was crying and all I could say “nothing matters anymore”
He felt terrible, he apologized profusely and i watched as his crystal blue eyes glazed over with regret because of what he had done
even though his sorry’s were as sincere as could be I still felt a sting when he kissed me goodnight
I wish I could close my eyes and open them in San Francisco because maybe if I was on the other side of the country I wouldn’t have to see all the things that make me want to melt into a puddle of ice cold water
People always ask me “where is home?” I believe that home is in ourselves, our fireplaces in our rib cage and our bedrooms in our skulls, but right now I’m not even sure if I can call my own body home.

Life has a funny way of working out
For example, I once won $100 on a scratch ticket and in the exact same hour a rock hit my windshield
It cost me $100 to replace it
When I met him
The universe was aligned
The stars hung themselves in constellations only we could see
We spoke a language all our own
And the razor blades that consistently sliced through my sanity became dull
Flowers grew from the cracks in my sidewalk
His voice was a song that I always wanted to listen to
With him by my side the world was a place that I was no longer afraid of
But life has a funny way of working itself out
Fear was like the Berlin Wall
Built overnight
Separating our hearts from ever beating together ever again
And I miss him
I miss him so much that I joined tinder
I miss him so much that I deleted tinder
I miss him so much that my recent ****** partners miss him
I miss him so much
that I'll look at pictures of deceased family members just to try and miss something that's actually gone
I miss him so much that I hide in the back corners of coffee shops and libraries just to be as invisible as he makes me feel
I miss him so much that I prayed to God to let me have him back
But even God was too busy to answer the phone
I wish I was a number on the clock so he would always have time for me
I wish I was a chapter in his text books so he would always have to study me
I wish I was the nicotine in his cigarettes so I could live in his resin lungs
But life has a funny way of working itself out

when i was in high school
i sat through class after class
learning things i didn't particularly care about
from skimming torn up copies of "Of Mice and Men"
to consistently failing every math test i ever took
i was a mess of glazed over eyes and too much makeup
staring at the clock waiting for the day to tick by
it would be fair to say that i absorbed little
to no information

but one day in science class
the teacher gave us a lesson on newtons laws
newtons third law of motion states that
for every action there is an equal an opposite reaction
that law made sense to me
until years later
when you told me you loved me
and i could not say it back

i remember being wrapped in your arms
the only place where the monsters inside my rib cage stopped trying to claw their way out
your words strong and brave like a pack of wolves on a hunt for my beating heart
i looked into your eyes and
saw a world of wonder that i would never get to explore
and i wonder if you saw an abandoned theme park with a no trespassing sign
when you looked into mine
you found beauty in me when everyone else
only saw the weeds sprouting from the cracks in my pavement
I was a burning house and you were a brave hero
running inside to save the children trapped in the attic
but it wasn't long until you realized that
you can not flip a person
in the same way that you can flip a house
when you replaced my windows
and the neighborhood kids threw bricks
through the glass
when you repainted my walls
that soon came crumbling down
your love was a quick fix that i knew would not last

newtons third law of motion states
that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction
that made sense to me
until a few years later
when i finally told you i loved you
and your response was
"but i don't love you"