My heart tries its best to be numb
Numb from you, numb from this
Blocking out the truth that my head knows
That I'm not allowed to have you

But no matter how much my head knows
And my heart tries so hard to hide
My body always knows what lies inside
And it knows that I want you despite it all

I crave how we melt together in a hug
Your embrace can lift my spirits always
Your strong hands on the small of my back
Massaging away my troubles of the day

I hunger for your touch, intoxicating
Your sweet surrender, I'm helpless
Helpless below the touch of your hand
The way you caressed me always impressed me

I yearn for the way that you looked at me
The way I could feel you felt wholly true
The thoughtful and considerate you
I was just under your spell, can't you see?

And as my heart tries to wake up
And my head tries to level itself
I'm still left exposed at my deepest extent
Due to you, my heart was healed, but now broken and bent

I saw your eyes for one more time
In the place I'd always dreaded
An opened link, a closed casket
Left me weak and hazy-headed

I tried to meet her eyes abrupt
When I paid respect to your life
She knew my name, without looking up
Your soon-to-be, future wife

It took everything I had
Past almost every threshold
Feeling so much more than sad
Burying someone special

The first time tripped
My heart up on the carpet
Crumpled beneath the front door to the sin
It wouldn't close because it was caught in
Between what I had believed
My whole life to be what
I wanted vs. what he wanted
To wait, which meant being waited on
Or to give in and be given
I said "okay" but wasn't sure
Uncomfortable expression, no longer pure
I cried at dinner in candlelight,
Bled for days,
Disenchanted, disengaged.
I confided the experience in a friend,
Surprised I ever did it again.

He had good qualities, but partially,
He was a jar with the lid on crooked
I was an indecisive and shaken up woman.
Never let myself approach the point of totally trusting
I controlled, but as did he, he tried his hardest
Made me think I would be bored elsewhere or that
Another man would never measure up
Next to the nature or intrigue of
What he did to me, I didn't refuse
But found myself hating him secretly.
I wanted it, but in a different way
Lusting wears off as rose colored lenses fracture
Never allowing myself to call him my master
With indentations on my wrists,
I removed lust's blindfold, and
Walked away from him, eighteen years old

The second time was my first,
With you, something new.
But when you've done it before
Doing it once more
Doesn't seem to be
A matter of eternal life or death
Simply a matter
Of consent.
And I wanted you, I wanted it to be
Very organic, very pure, true, with you
As the vision I had for a partner, all that time
Even with him, even though you weren't mine

So when the moment came, I couldn't think
Of a reason not to go back to your dad's house
And kiss you until my lips hurt,
******* until I had couch burn,
You holding me tightly afterward.
The intrinsic beauty in the loving look settled over your eyes
When you assured me you wanted me to feel just right.
The way we talked after, the smiles and laughter
A first time of security, not emotional disaster.
As if it were the question and you the answer.
As if that one time could replace all the moments
That it wasn't you, that we were apart
Thinking of you with occupied arms an open heart

The first time tripped
My heart up on the carpet
Crumpled beneath the front door to the sin
It wouldn't close because it was caught in
Between what I had believed
My whole life to be what
I wanted vs. what he wanted
To wait, which meant being waited on
Or to give in and be given
I said "okay" but wasn't sure
Uncomfortable expression, no longer pure
I cried at dinner in candlelight,
Bled for days,
Disenchanted, disengaged.
I confided the experience in a friend,
Surprised I ever did it again.

He had good qualities, but partially,
He was a jar with the lid on crooked
I was an indecisive and shaken up woman.
Never let myself approach the point of totally trusting
I controlled, but as did he, he tried his hardest
Made me think I would be bored elsewhere or that
Another man would never measure up
Next to the nature or intrigue of
What he did to me, I didn't refuse
But found myself hating him secretly.
I wanted it, but in a different way
Lusting wears off as rose colored lenses fracture
Never allowing myself to call him my master
With indentations on my wrists,
I removed lust's blindfold, and
Walked away from him, eighteen years old

The second time was my first,
With you, something new.
But when you've done it before
Doing it once more
Doesn't seem to be
A matter of eternal life or death
Simply a matter
Of consent.
And I wanted you, I wanted it to be
Very organic, very pure, true, with you
As the vision I had for a partner, all that time
Even with him, even though you weren't mine

So when the moment came, I couldn't think
Of a reason not to go back to your dad's house
And kiss you until my lips hurt,
******* until I had couch burn,
You holding me tightly afterward.
The intrinsic beauty in the loving look settled over your eyes
When you assured me you wanted me to feel just right.
The way we talked after, the smiles and laughter
A first time of security, not emotional disaster.
As if it were the question and you the answer.
As if that one time could replace all the moments
That it wasn't you, that we were apart
Thinking of you with occupied arms an open heart

Sometimes it doesn't feel
Like you see me
When towards you I am walking
Just a beautiful voice
Sofly talking
A brassy Charlie Brown tone
You can't pick up the phone
Double texts make it look like I'm stalking

And sometimes it feels
Like I don't exist, I have gone
When you forget that I do
My mind's sketch I have drawn
My thoughts race on and on
Hard to remember I'm wrong
That you care, I get scared
You'll forget me for long

Or even worse to me
You'll never see my true self
Treat me like an antique
Place me high on a shelf
Go on living your life
I am there without touch
Occupied space
Overlooked much

I was wondering when
I would eat my own words
Now I need to count the carbs
In each syllable

Calculate just how much
Life juice to inject
Into my bruised abdomen
After milking the drops
From my tingling finger

I ask of you to see
And watch and listen to me
Because I am not a result
Of sucrose-inclined molars
Or an unlucky inheritance
I am all of my own

So when my jaw grew thin
I praised myself and thought how
I shed some "extra" fat
I thought perhaps
Maybe I had a tape worm
Or a hollow leg
That hid over 2500 calories
In a single day that still didn't feel
Like enough
With 126 oz of water
I was leaking every twenty minutes
I praised myself, but
I didnt feel like myself

I knew before I knew
Had that deep gut feel
Before it was real
It was so undeniably mine
Like a limb I forgot I had

But it was like that limb previously
Slapped me in the face,
Stole my fortune,
Ran off with my fiancé,
Then said I was bound for great things
As it slipped out the back

I was shredded into nothing
But handed something of promise

And when I saw your name roll across my screen
At one in the morning, was that a dream?
Because I was doing fine
I was doing so fine in fact that I forgot
About you and the mess that I became
Because I was so preoccupied with trying to feel ready
And feel right for you, but you didn't pressure
I rushed myself into it, I tripped over my shoelaces
Like a little girl trying to dress herself for once
Were my sneakers even on the right feet?
And I lined up at the starting line
Days before the race had contemplated commencing

I didn't know how to handle you
How to handle no pressure
I had to create some because I've never had none
I've always had a ticking clock
Most times it ended up being a time bomb
I just didn't know how to be without the stress
Even though that's what I tried to leave behind

And I did not know how to handle
Caring for you the way I did, how I didn't
Know what I did or I hadn't
Was a low point for me, I was all turned around
The desires in my heart confused my head
Into thinking it was okay
To say things to you that I really did feel
But my head told my heart they weren't good
That I didn't feel them because I didn't know entirely
And I held back because I was confused
I pushed you away because I didn't want you to be used
I pray you understand that I truly cared
I'm a genuine person, but I'm genuinely scared

I had to be honest
I have to be honest
I was being honest
I try to be honest
I am being honest
When I say that I felt a large pang
Like I sunk into my mattress
Yet simultaneously I was relieved
When I saw your name appear
Out of thin air, onto my screen
It could have been a drunk text
An anebriated thought, possibly
I felt fine, I was fine
It is only a dream

I only see your shoes at first
Then I look up to witness all of you
You overpower me with your presence
Just standing there, waiting

You waited for me at my place
On a bridge on the Susquehanna
That flimsy little bridge
That rocked us to and fro

The bridge started to sway
In the tumultuous winds
I said I was scared
But you did not ever go

You shocked me on that bridge
Our moment on the Susquehanna
Because you held me in that moment
Like you'd never let me go

You looked at me and said
"I just want you to always know..."
On our bridge on the Susquehanna
That rocked us to and fro

But after, you left
Without me knowing what I should know
And now I'm here on the Susquehanna
Trying hard to let you go

I thought about you today
I know it's not right, but you were in my mind
Swirling, encircling thoughts of the past
Wishing you were competing with us
In some absurd way
I missed you
It didn't feel complete
At that place, with those people, during our last year
I felt like you were missing something important by not being there
I remember feeling so dizzy
When we spoke there
Only a year ago
It felt so comforting that we were on good terms
And only a year ago
I wanted to be your friend
But somewhere inside of me, I always knew
That was a delusional dream, a futile attempt
"We can be friends" at departure always means
"I'd rather not talk to you, but only make awkward sideways glances at you and pretend you don't exist"

We both knew
Being friends
Was never possible
But perhaps you knew
Perhaps you read my poems
Before that moment
And knew how I felt about you
All along
And saw my furiously scribbling in my journal
*Maybe you knew I was writing about you

I don't prefer music of this generation
The kind that only talks about getting a girl home
Having one night of intense stranger-***
And then what?
What do you say when you are done?
How long do you hold her
Before your arm falls asleep and she almost kicks you off the bed?
Do you give her cab money in the morning?
Do you call her when she gets home?
Those are the problems that those songs don't address

Music used to mean so much more
It was the kind about real love
Real love that you lost
Maybe that's why I like it so much
Because I could listen to it
And actually relate
Instead of imagining myself at a club
With intense music
Where an insanely attractive, yet toxic man walks up to me
And asks if I want to go home with him
What would I say?
"Uh, sir, I can't go home with you until you tell me your credit score..."
Or "Let's make like a fetus and head out..."
No, I'm too socially awkward for this
I can't separate physical attraction and emotions
I'm not good at *** with strangers
Perhaps because I know the dangers of strangers
Or maybe because I know the potential dangers of ***

I listen to the seventies and eighties
That is the age of Billy Joel, ELO, and Fleetwood Mac
The ones that actually loved

A flick of the fingers
A snap of the wrist
Launched my shotput
And glided your disc

Familiar faces have changed
You were not the same
But I couldn't help but smile
When you said my name

A smile turned into laugh
A laugh turned to hug
A friendship at first
Bloomed into love

Old scars still stung
But you had been there too
Although it has taken me forever to be okay
I am better with you

Those friendly laughs still remain
The jittery feelings still here
Even though the setting has changed
I still want you near

Your smile, still charming
Your eyes, still calming
You have brought me so much joy
You are my new era, dawning

Stumbling around Ikea together
For fun on a rainy day, road trip
Admiring things yet to have
Can openers and dish racks
Aisles and aisles of flatware
Fitz and the Tantrums emerges from the ceiling speakers
One of my favorites
I start to sing quietly to myself
As we careen around the displays
I catch you humming to the tune as well
And something just rung in my heart
As the radio intoned
"You were just the right kind,
*Yeah, you are more than just a dream"

Do I  own my own emotions
Or simply let others decide?
Do I man the wheel of my life
Or allow others to drive?

The care that I keep of others
The concern I have for them
Has caused my true self to be smothered
Time and time again

Because I permit my punishment
I allow abuse
I will take and take what you give to me
Until you cut me loose

And all because I care for others
More than I watch after myself
My heart of heart isn't often revealed
When I'm protecting someone else

So I've said yes when I didn't know
And I've permitted the playing of games
I've passively sat by and watched it occur
Instead of saying that I am in pain

I need to be honest about emotion
What is it that I truly desire?
Will I let another smother my embers
Or cultivate my fire?

Something inside of me broke
I didn't feel the snap
Until the reaction spread
Like a cold pack
Hit against red brick

I lost myself
Inhaling and exhaling
Rapidly increasing
Accelerating
I couldn't stop
Sobbing
Trying to recapture
Composure
Clawing at the wall
Doubled over
Wide eyed

How long it had been
Sitting there alone
Terrified that you heard me
From the other end of the phone

I'm a paradox of desire
Just some tangle of prickly thorns
Push me, pull me in some direction
But know I never heed forewarns

Nuestro amor es un circulo
Nos cansamos con la rotaciòn
Arriba con la euforia de sutilezas
Debajo con las peleas repitiendas
Cada día supongo que es el último
Pero vivimos un día más y uno más
Pongo en duda mis sentimientos girandos
Pero no encuentro una soluciòn de la locura
Que encuentro en vez de esa es otro día
Y otro día de revoluciones
¿Cúando vamos a parar?

The thought
Of being passed up
By you
One more time
Hurts more
Than I can
Possibly bear

I've been told
I need to
Get used to it
My role
Is to
Be used to it,
Be understanding,
Patient and caring.

But what happens
If I need it?
I need to
Be used to
Not having you
When I need you most.

Here's a secret
I'd never tell you:
I'll never
Be used to it

Kissing*
Without sensation
Or emotion
Is merely
Skin
touching
*Skin

Do you agree with me when I propose
Perhaps we did this whole love thing wrong?
Have we done what we said we never would?
Is it just me, or did we?

Did we forget certain promises we made
Pinkie swears with fingers crossed behind backs
Oaths written in blood were just red pen
And now we meet our crossroads

We turned left when the sign read right
We disregarded the map to follow our own devices
Lust swayed us to and fro in moral crises
But yet I loved you so

Fingers wrung with selfish grief, in all our disbelief
We stop and stared as if to ask what is next
But both our minds went blank
So we paused aimlessly

What is next, what is next?
Pacing, racing, pounding chest
Do we leave? I do believe
I can’t see a you without a me

We just fell through, I’ve now come to
The smelling salts have done the done
And now I see, we’re not we
And I can see you’re not the one

Now we’re here, and I do fear
I still feel what lies beneath my shell
My heart beats for you, but I say adieu
Because I still have to love myself

Can we break up with our problems?
Drop them off at a train station and say goodbye
Pack up their belongings and leave them for good
Sneak out the back door when the coast is clear

I fell in love with you all over again today
The way you looked at me in your car
Your hand's strength holding mine
Even if you were saying goodbye

You kissed me and hugged me and told me you love me
But is that enough these days?
I want you and I need you now more than ever
But these problems keep getting in the way

So that is why I propose that we leave them behind
Let's take a road trip overnight and wake up in another state
They'll be far behind us if we drive at that pace
Because I'd rather live without our problems than you

I have always left a piece of myself
In every place that I have been

I quietly left my eyes at the grand canyon
Because I never quite believed it was real
So I decided to place them on a royal red rock
To keep looking onward at the painting on the ground

I surrendered my hands at Our Daily Bread
Because I went there one summer ago
And decided they needed them more than I did
To help those who could not help themselves

I secretly rested my heart with you
In your big cabinet of special things
As I tiptoed out the door
Whispering "Goodbye"
But looking back once I departed

I sat on that hill awhile once I left
And decided to give it my memories
Because it could project them onto the sky
For the chromatic sunset on the horizon
For others to see and enjoy

Piece by piece I give myself away
To those places and people that need the pieces more than I
I don't mind that I am withering away, piece by piece
Because the pieces will come back one day
Once they have done what needed to be done

I pinned my hair in curls tonight
It took an hour or two
But when I wake and undo my work
I'm not dolled up for you

Because the blush on my cheeks
Is not made of powder
The pigment on my skin
Is composed of anger
And contempt for you
Where there used to be love
Is a constant fight
My heart is an open space
An area that I'm not sure
That I want you to occupy
Anymore

You pushed me past my pushing point,
I won't ever let you through
So now don't you see? Reality?
I'm dressed for me, not you.

If you be the flower
I am the bee
Drawn to your delightful mystery

I can't comprehend the way you care
Like a delicate touch of a finger
As opposed to shattered glass

I have never seen a face as kind and welcoming
Like an enveloping hug by a fire
As opposed to the cold shoulder

Your smile comforts and invites me
The way you talk also excites me

If only I wasn't so scared of the feeling
That's rocked my head and sent me reeling

I can't deal with the reality of my heart
Timing and desires tear me apart

But there you are, so willing to bend
Content in life, even to be a friend

Maybe right now, that's what I need
You're so precious, precious indeed

It hollows my chest
It lingers, its essence
How I bleed as I am
Alone in your presence

Putting off
Shoving away
Forgetting about
Yet to do
*Procrastination

Scooped out
Pumpkin guts
Spilled onto my
Newspaper-covered
Kitchen table
Spoon-scraped
Prepared to be cut
Two triangle eyes
For me, please
A mouth with missing teeth
A candle light
At my center
To shine through,
Illuminate the hollow

Oh how I wish, quite dreamily
I could feel you breathing beside me
To fall asleep and under your charms
Your strong hands and arms
Wrapped around my waiting waist
Right now, there is no other place
That I would want to be
Than having you next to me
Pulling me closer till we collide
Very quietly in the night time
Sheets entangling us together
I could stay there forever
Then we wouldn't have to leave
This pure dream of you and me

I think I first liked you
Because you were shy
The type of guy who liked to hide
I liked the way your hair curled
How you saw the world
The way you described
Wanting to walk into your kitchen
Far in the future to see me sitting
At the table drinking my morning coffee
The way you said your life
Wouldn't really seem complete
Without this pure dream of you and me

quantoque magis stetisse mutant*

Your voice has changed
Deeper
Fuller
But that hint of coffee table is still intermingled in your speech
The one you tripped into as a child
That made you pronounce "math" wrong

Your eyes are still you
Pale
Green
Empty when, at me, they are occasionally fixed
Although many say that they are blue
I always saw the green in them
The life and hope that I always believed was in you

Your hair is still you
Wavy
Dark
Thick
It makes me remember lazy Saturdays
When we were inseparable
Sitting forever
While I intertwined my fingers in it

I wish I could say your personality is the same
But I don't know
All I can see are the superficial things in your life

I am like some sort of stranger
You never knew at all
Who you carelessly pass by in the hallway
Bumping shoulders
Not even saying "Excuse me"

I feel like some toy
Just a rag doll you play with
Tug at my yarn hair

Your love for me
Is hanging by
A fraying thread

I try to remember that everything happens for a reason
But my problem is that I exhaust myself trying to figure out what that reason is

The insecurities that I have felt
Are internal, nothing to do
With something you said or did
Recently, it's just me
I am scared
To depend on you
To need you
I have trust in you
Exponentially more than I used to
It's just taking time,
These things don't happen overnight
Or in a short period of time
Please be patient and stand by me
As much as I'd like my fear
To dissipate instantly
I'm finding comfort in your reassurance
Your loving friendship welcoming me
I do need it, it warms my heart entirely
I just don't like to feel too needy
Like it takes too much work to love me
I find joy in giving you all I have
It's just the receiving part that is troubling
I just ask you hold my hand and understand

Silver lining
Antique finding
Intertwined fingers
Browsing eyes

Indoor maze
Shifted gaze
Can't see all
Noticing some

Vintage room
Old spittoon
Strolling past
Items forgotten

Mirror reflects
Dust collects
We evlove
But never change

I just want to hold on to today
Grasp it in my hands
Savor each moment as it passes
At least while I can

I look around my house
And think I won't be here
Come a year and I'll be gone
It makes me shed a tear

I love these walls
The memories they hold
The laughs and moments they have witnessed
That lies beneath crown mold

I want to live in now
Before it slips away
Because not too far from now
I'll be remembering today

November
Crisp weather
Together
Again

Our sweaters
Blue and maroon
Were you nervious?
I was too.

Fingers inched
Memoried pinched
Heart strings tugged
Surely cinched

There we were
Together again
More than just
Two old friends

Tree limbs bare
Crunching brush
New old growth
Made me blush

My face is
Your shame
My pain is
Your reminder
My words are
A knife

I need to be leaving
I’m going away
It’s too painful
Right now, to stay

I found a place
For a few days
To be alone
Leave no trace

I hope I will
Hear my quiet voice
Find myself there
Without the noise

Remember those feelings that I held on to so tight?
Well, you shredded them up
Alongside the truth
I'll admit, I was willing to believe anything you told me
Because a lie from you was better than nothing at all anyway
So while I go around hearing "He told me it was your fault, and that you broke up with him"
I'll remember that final night I was on the phone with you, feeling your words tear apart my insides
And you asked why I was crying

I don't know how it has gotten to this point
That I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I don't know what I want and I attach myself so readily
More readily than I want to let go, even if it is not right for me
Even if they give me an open invitation to stay or go
*Why do I feel the urge to stay even if my heart says run away?

I was headed for more of the same
The same ways of relating
Providing and caretaking
As if I had a little sign
Above my eyes saying
“Pick me!
I’ll give such little trouble
I’ll do it for free!
You can reap the rewards and
Throw the crumbs towards me
I’ll eat them up hungrily!”

Never stopping
Until I found myself propping
My body up at the doctors office
Her telling me more of the same
That I have one more piece to
Break off and give
If I wanted to live
Even it felt then
That I gave up on myself
Such a small *****
With such a big task
Like my bones may as well be paper
My skin may as well be glass

But I had this overwhelming need
To make it all cease
How do I stop the drumming
How do I stop the marching
The flitting of sand from
One chamber to the next
The ways in which life seemed
To keep happening to me
Instead of being an active participant
I guess I lost myself in it
Unconsciously accepting more of the same

More of the same feels numb
More of the same is a lukewarm bath
A bland meal
Filling but unsatisfying
Predictable and plain

Doing what is expected makes people happy
No one has questions
But with the unexpected,
There are suspicions
Superstitions
What happened when I shattered my own mirror
On purpose because I couldn’t stand
Other peoples reflections staring back at me?
Seven years of bad luck and the
Undeniable deep knowing
That I needed to start again
Or really, for the first time
Walking under a ladder was waking up
Spilling salt meant tossing the rule book
I was handed, over my left shoulder
Not lifting a glass to toast to my ex husband
Before my first sip
Let me finally enjoy myself before
Anyone else was able to
Now I know the flavor I possess
And refuse to be diluted
Good on my own
But even better when shared
Not shamed

No I could never
Let life pass me by
Subsisting on
More of the same

Small jokes
Past asides
I can't lie
They've crossed my mind

Grains of sand
Aren't singly much
Until accumulation
Amasses such

Do I dare
Let you see
The depth of
My insecurity?

When I hear
What you say
I am numb
Almost dazed

But it's the mass
Of all the grain
When I look back
That brings me pain

I don't know how to look at you now
Because I can't let go of how I looked at you then

Trapped in a screen
You set the scene
Se-er of constellations
Dreamer of dreams

Midnight confessions
Starstruck impressions
You tell the tale
You make your digressions

Roads turn to fork
Thumbtack on cork
I fear that you'll only
Live in your work