The first time tripped
My heart up on the carpet
Crumpled beneath the front door to the sin
It wouldn't close because it was caught in
Between what I had believed
My whole life to be what
I wanted vs. what he wanted
To wait, which meant being waited on
Or to give in and be given
I said "okay" but wasn't sure
Uncomfortable expression, no longer pure
I cried at dinner in candlelight,
Bled for days,
Disenchanted, disengaged.
I confided the experience in a friend,
Surprised I ever did it again.

He had good qualities, but partially,
He was a jar with the lid on crooked
I was an indecisive and shaken up woman.
Never let myself approach the point of totally trusting
I controlled, but as did he, he tried his hardest
Made me think I would be bored elsewhere or that
Another man would never measure up
Next to the nature or intrigue of
What he did to me, I didn't refuse
But found myself hating him secretly.
I wanted it, but in a different way
Lusting wears off as rose colored lenses fracture
Never allowing myself to call him my master
With indentations on my wrists,
I removed lust's blindfold, and
Walked away from him, eighteen years old

The second time was my first,
With you, something new.
But when you've done it before
Doing it once more
Doesn't seem to be
A matter of eternal life or death
Simply a matter
Of consent.
And I wanted you, I wanted it to be
Very organic, very pure, true, with you
As the vision I had for a partner, all that time
Even with him, even though you weren't mine

So when the moment came, I couldn't think
Of a reason not to go back to your dad's house
And kiss you until my lips hurt,
******* until I had couch burn,
You holding me tightly afterward.
The intrinsic beauty in the loving look settled over your eyes
When you assured me you wanted me to feel just right.
The way we talked after, the smiles and laughter
A first time of security, not emotional disaster.
As if it were the question and you the answer.
As if that one time could replace all the moments
That it wasn't you, that we were apart
Thinking of you with occupied arms an open heart