Glide your fingers down the railing
As you make your grand ingression
Meeting the faces you are destined to meet
As they fasten their first impressions

You are one to worry what they think
And wonder how or why
But, know that they have trained themselves
To create facades and alibis

They would be just as scared as you
If they were the ones walking down that stair
So hold your head up high, my dear
As if you did not care

There's something scarier about graduating
Than going to college,
Moving out,
Starting a life,
Studying,
Independence,
Or freedom,
My biggest fear about leaving this place
*Is leaving you behind

When the room was clear and stage was dark
I felt a pang inside my heart
As I looked to where you used to be
I sighed a familiar sigh

The sigh that knows your name
But does not need to utter the syllables
Because even if it is not said
It knows that I sigh for you
I cry for you
I'd lie for you
But I hide from you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
Every love song, in soprano
Serenades in smoky rooms
With low voices whispering in your ear
Soothing you into a trance
If you come closer, you can hear
My yearning voice for you
You can almost feel
My light touch across you dance

I compare stories of every love 
I have ever heard
To our tale, in my mind
Like a kindergartner trying to cut out a picture
Based on a pattern held with stubby hands
I line the edges up just right and see what fits into us

Oh, I look around and hope you are there
To notice me
To think of me
To dream as I do
As if I were the only girl you had ever loved
The only girl you are capable of loving
The only girl you want
But what can I give you?

I've waited a long time
And I'm pretty sure I'd wait again
Because I'm your fool
A jester 
That's performing only for your applause
For you to admire from the first row
To clap your hands and shout "Bravo!"

What do you like about me?
Other than the fact that I care
You could just like me
Because I care about you
And not because I would like to think
That I am funny
Are you ashamed to be around me still?
Am I still too much to handle
Maybe I'm just too much of a woman
To fit into your hands
I'm not going to diminish my shine
Just because you cannot handle the brightness

How do you know
That you could see yourself
Being my husband
Why do you see me
As someone you would want
To wake up to in the morning
Every one for the rest of your life?
Is it because I care about you
I don't mean to sound selfish
But why do you care about me?
What is it other than my love
For you that makes you want me?
Other than my body
Other than sexuality
What parts of my soul do you treasure
More than our history, more than just time
What makes you sit back in amazement
And think "I am in awe that she's mine"?

There was life
I swear
Once, there was

Now there's just three yards of cold, hard linoleum tile between us



And silence.



An ongoing silence that makes me want to scream so hard




Just to hear something.

I remember meeting him quite precisely
Your grandfather: Thanksgiving of 2012
He lived alone, in a house he owned
And built, by hand, family dwelled

I heard some stories
War glories
The second one that rocked the world
Gentle and kind, he left behind
His normal life and special girl

As I approached the door, I was met
With the sweetest, loving grin
Glasses donned, he led us on
Into the house to sit with him

Inside he told me of his passed wife
And the room he kept for her
Of her artwork and clothing
Ready, if she could ever return

The night passed by like honey
Nostalgic and syrup-sweet
The kind you remember distinctly five years from then
Ones you wish to repeat

He waved us off in his way
Standing at the door
Feathering his hand back and forth
Until the house could be seen no more

I had seen him twice or so more
Until you and I parted for a time
But I always asked of him as I could
Even though I didn't think I should

I heard he gave you grief
For parting from me
At his 90th birthday party
We had something special, he could see

On Thanksgiving, five years later
You and I reconciled
And he came down for a meal,
And I was met again with his smile

I tried to see him as much
As I could because I knew
Sometimes elderly people get lonely
And I would want visitors too

Then he fell ill from the hospital
And so it commenced
The decline of his health
Months of agonizing suspense

Until this week
I drove three hundred and twenty miles
To see him before he passed
To see one of his last smiles

It happened hours after I arrived
I got to say goodbye
I told him I was there, I made it
I saw him and I cried

He could not do much, but he could hear
He could barely even see
And as I let him know I loved him
His last words were his love for me

You sobbed as he said he loved me
You could see him struggle to speak
You told me to move a bit away
As you whispered your intent of someday marrying me

He passed there with us all
Surrounded by love, covered in prayer
The doctors were amazed by our presence
That so many people were there

A day or two later we wrote of him
How can you paraphrase a full life?
Of his war time stories and his glories
Of his loving kids and wife

In the survived by part is where they wanted
To include me but did not know where
To call me a friend didn't seem fitting
For all of the love and care

So you took the computer and put me in
Where you felt like I needed to a part of
Being married was signified with parenthesis
So you wrote next to you (Someday Careena)

I know I'm not the one
The one that you would look for first
If your car broke down
And you needed someone

And I know I'm not the one
The one you would call in the night
For a dream so scary
And you needed a friend

And I know I'm not the one
You wanted from the beginning
But I've always wanted you
Wasn't that enough?

And I know I'm not the one
You care about the most
If you care at all
If you remember a time that you did

And I am certain that I am not the one
You see in your dreams
Like I see in mine
That happen more than frequently

But I also know I'm not the one
That will beg for you
When I know I'm not the one
Who deserves to be ignored again
And treated like no one

I have become one who writes for her audience
That doesn't know that I'm writing to them
Making declarations on here
Because in real life, I cannot scream these things out

I hate being constricted, being expected to be stable
All the time
I have days where I feel great and days where I am terrible
And those days in between
Just like everyone else
Days where I go through all the steps of grief at once
And days where I simply skip to the final step

But why do I feel the need to explain myself to you people?
When most of you don't even know me

Some of my poems don't give away who I really am
They are sort of somber and unhappy
However, I am actually happy
Joyous even
Despite various things that have happened throughout my life
I always make the best of it

I feel like I forget that sometimes though
My persevering nature
My optimistic outlook on life
And I forget that I need to remember that I am special, too
We all need to remember that we are worth something
So we don't slip in to the fallacy that we are nothing

I'll be the first one to admit
I have weird things about me
Like how I like bottles in the car cup holder
Always straight, never leaning. Or else I have to fix them
How I systematically eat my diner breakfasts
Scrambled eggs first, one piece of toast, then intermingled bites of home fries and the remaining slice of toast
Or how I like to climb the stairs in the school hallway
All of the stairs to the middle platform before the door makes the closed noise behind me

I feel like there are people everywhere like me
People with quirks
People who are easily excitable
People who love being with their friends
People you could find something in common with
People who can be a lot like you
But people you probably never took the time to understand

Oh, my love, look what has happened to us
You aren't my love anymore
And I don't know how to be myself
Without you, without our relationship, if that makes sense

I've tried to distract myself
From the void that you left
By filling it with other things
With other people, not permanently
And not always romantically
I just wanted a distraction

When in reality, I just need to let it be there
I need to cry in the shower
I need to scribble all my thoughts
On the corners of diner placemats
And I need to know how it feels
To be all by myself

When I think of you
All I can recollect
Was how I lost my very best friend
The day you walked away

When I let my mind conjure an image of you
I need a hug, I feel an immediate lacking
And your embrace is all that will do
That would be a solace to my soul

You were a cup of coffee on a fall morning
An unexpected turn on a familiar road
You were exactly what I needed

But eventually, the coffee turned sour and cold
And the woods got dark and I got lost
You were what I needed, but not what I need

Oh, my love, you deserve the world
I just have to do right by myself
Because if your world would have continued to be in mine
Neither of us would have been happy
We would have compromised everything we each wanted
Because, wretchedly, we were heading different ways

Why force it when it wasn't supposed to be?

I can never bring myself to forget the way you loved me
You showed me what it meant to feel safe in a relationship
I'm sorry that I became too safe, I took you for granted at times
But at other times, I needed you so desperately, like you were air
And I was suffocating, and I just needed you more the more you gave
I just could never get enough of you, I'm sorry for hurting you

I miss our inside jokes, I think if someone told me that I was a child
Ever again, I would probably start sobbing
I can't ever really look at things the same way I used to

And I keep thinking of cooking with you in your kitchen
On Saturday mornings when we were inseparable
And that other time you sliced your finger while making chicken
And I overreacted because I didn't ever want to see you hurt
Then the way you looked at me like you couldn't have ever cared more
About any other person in the entire world, moves me to tears

But despite all of these memories that surround me, I just want you to know
You are an incredible person and I am happy to have had the pleasure
Of being your best friend for three years
Even though I always didn't do such a great job
Thank you for being mine, for being there, for caring so much

I pray you find a woman who is everything you want and need
Someone who adores your hazel eyes and enveloping deep voice
Your hobbies that you immerse yourself in
The way your eyes crinkle when you laugh
And how you love entirely, with everything you have
Your generosity and kindness
The way you smelled, deep and sweet
I hope she adores you as much as you adore her
You deserve the world

I could tell it in your eyes first
It was those eyes that said I did some thing
Something terribly wrong
Something I immediately regretted when it escaped from my lips
I said I wanted this weekend to think
As a break from our hectic week
And your eyes dropped
Because you knew
Not many couples come out of breaks alive
I should know, it happened to me too

But I said it, it came out
And I said how I felt the whole week
That we were flirting with the boundary of
Being in a relationship
That every day, I compared our relationship to being sick
How many times would we dry heave before throwing up?
And you were genuinely surprised
Because in your eyes, we were just getting our feelings out
So we could work through them

And in that moment, I knew
You inspire me
Like you say I inspire you
You inspire me to keep trying
To keep going
Because, like you say, a relationship requires work and sacrifice
"Love is not easy, but when I look into your eyes, it is all worth it"

And in the stupidest of moments
The ones where we are just goofing off
Or the ones where we are screaming at each other
Because I am not afraid to yell
You taught me to express how I feel
I can honestly say that you make me feel Like myself
I am not pretending to be another person around you
I can sing along to the radio in the car
And you will tell me that you love my voice
You cover me when I get cold
Because you legitimately care about me
You ask my opinion on things and love my mind
I can look at you and see why I am with you
Because we suit each other well
You are my best friend

What have you done to me
What type of spell have you cast
To make me feel profoundly
To make my love for you last

Until I slept next to you, I never knew
How soundly I would rest
With your goodnight on my lips
And my head upon your chest

I was sitting on a bench
Once
And was measuring out my life
Day by day
When a happy, friendly, squirrel
Started to hop along my way

He looked me over once
Then twice for good measure
He chewed his chubby cheeks
Then smiled with pleasure

It's simple presence
Calmed my whole being
I breathed out my troubles
Then began again, with a new way of seeing

I don't know how much more I can take
You complaining of your body's pain and its aches
You are in agony every day, you say
But you still do nothing, no nothing will change

I can't be your mother
I'm only your lover
The one who is there
When you don't have another

But you're killing me
With the pain you won't resolve
You said you've tried
But I still say go on

Go search for a doctor
Go on till you find
The medicine that will help you
It is worth the time

I can't be your pills
I can't help your pain
I can't make you change
You'll still stay the same

You'll only change
If you want to be
Another version of yourself
Then you'll be free

I can't take this much longer
Screaming when it is no use
Its not my body
It's yours, so you choose

But know I can't cope
With seeing you stagnant
So change or don't
But don't complain about it

I saw Scorpio in the sky tonight
It reminded me of the time
That I pointed it out to you
While we sat in that van you used to drive

You would always look up to see
But could never really pinpont
The exact location to where
My fingers truly laid

The stars and the moon looked lonely tonight
Without someone to retell their stories to
I'd tell you about Orion, but you've heard before
I'd be starstruck if I could recite them to you once more

I don't feel your touch anymore
I just feel like the place it once stayed
Like stepping stone of a concrete hand print
But the kids have grown up and moved away

My skeleton is a liar

The soul I possess
Is the true structure
Holding me up,
Making me stand

My spine
Is not my true backbone

As I've seen my body fail
Crash and burn
Dumpster fire
That hyperventilating
Mass in the corner
Out of order
In need of service

My soul shines through
Those smoke filled skies
And jagged rocks

Our memories and feelings are starting to slip
Along with my wanting finger tips

The sun sets and the moon starts to raise
As I prolong my fastened gaze

You keep me plastered to this very point
Where I can't move a single joint

Unlike you thought, I wanted you, don't you see?
And in return, I wanted you to want me

Hoping has gotten me nowhere but here
Encircled in everyday lies and fears

From thinking and thinking, but never acting on a whim
But here and now, it's time to begin

It's time to stop and break the trap
Of loving you with no looking back

You don't deserve my adoration, but yet I give
This is not what it means to fully live

To fully live means to enjoy your own life
Not surrounded by others' chaos and strife

So I want to wave farewell and bid adieu
But the only thing keeping me here is you

                                          STUPID                              GIRL  
                 ­              YOU                  JUST       WENT              RIGHT
                          BACK           ­                  TO                                  HIM
                       STUCK                          ON                                ­     HIM.
                         WITH                                  NO                         ­    WAITING.
                               HE                         ONLY                              CALLED
                        ­       YOU                             JUST                      CAME
                                  ­    NOW                YOU                           WILL
                                    FORGET                 ALL                THE
                                          ­ POWER      YOU                HAD
                               ­                   WHEN     YOU     WERE
                                                            ­    **alone

When the sun dips from the sky
And the moon begins to gleam
Wipe away your day face
And move yourself closer to me

With your worries now gone
And the sun below the horizon
I can see you more clearly
With my pupils beginning to widen

We sit on that hill for a while
With the chromatic hues of the sky above
Now it's only you and I
To explore this thing we call love

So I look into your eyes, they are always clear
And neat and beautiful
And I lay may head on your chest and draw little hearts with my fingers
While I start to, again, feel whole

I can quite explain, I can't quite describe
How it was you that I found
But some part of myself tells me not to question it
As we sit and watch the sun go down

In that moment, I wish I had super powers
To be invisible
To fly far away
To run as fast as I could
To shape-shift into something, anything else
To avoid being seen
Because the super power
I need the most
Is the strength to face you

I am supine and imagining
What does all of this that's been happening
Really mean, the feelings I feel
I want to know, honestly, are they real?

It's quite difficult to let something go
From someone you love
When you can remember, word for word
What they said to you
How they said it to you
How you felt
And how they looked in your eyes
But all you saw in them was an empty stare

Boy's got a lot of soul
Classic and breathtakingly old
Makes you tap your toe
Big band swing
With a jazzy glow

There are sights I have yet to see
And dreams I have yet to achieve
I have bridges yet to cross
And more of a life still yet to lead
But the beauty of having a lifetime
Is that you can take your time to live it

I'm mesmerized by you in the front seat of your car
And also the passenger side
Your fingers tapping on the steering wheel
Loving you in the left lane
But also in the right
At noon and midnight
In the quiet of a glance
Or in a crowded room
I can't comprehend your trance
I'm just worried it's too soon

I’ve been told
Anger is how
Your body
Communicates
Wakes up
Something in you
Disrupts
And I am
Furious

For myself
And the times
I disregarded
My needs
For another’s
Seemingly more
Important needs

I am someone
I am important
I am here

I have needs
Even if
You can’t
See them
Or choose
To tend
To them

I am
Willing
And able
To help
Myself
For
Myself

Tender is the way I'd describe
The way his hand rested
On his new bride

And something blue and
Something white
And something new and
Something bright

It shone from both of them
When I saw it, I couldn't pretend
I wasn't happy then

Because I was, I could have been there
Being happy collectively
With her newly sworn in family

If I had wanted to be
If it had been right for me
Which it wasn't, by the way

Because happiness came with contemplation
And shame as I saw myself
In my disdain for them all at times
Sometimes unmerited
As they are people too

It shifted as I saw
How they all stood together
That behind all the ways
They drove me mad
I was not meant to be in their place

I didn't at first think of him
What we were, what it was
I only thought of how content
I was for them
And secondly, about how I knew
That him and I were not meant
To be the ones standing there
In the way that I pushed it away
When he talked
So I said maybe
In the future, years from now
I didn't know I didn't want it
But I couldn't say it
Describe the way I maybe could have seen
Being married and secretly unhappy
Splitting up maybe

I'm happy to be gone
I'm happy I've moved on
To someone I could in the future see
Holding on to me quite tenderly

Tengo ganas de estar
Cerca de ti
Para sentirte en el cuerpo
Para que toques con el pelo
Y siento su ligera presión de dedo
Para expresar algo profundo como antes
Antes de este momento

Estoy enamorada con una fantasía
Con un hombre que ahora no existe
No le he visto por mucho tiempo
Y es como un nube en el cielo
La forma en que puede tranformarle
A causa del tiempo y el viento
Es impresionante como cambia tan rápido
Justo en frente de los ojos abiertos

Es duro para sentir completa
Sin otra media

That space I have set up for you is getting harder and harder to maintain
The roof has begun to leak
The floorboards squeak
And there is a clog in the drain

I keep investing time and effort into caring for your place
That I neglect myself
I lose sleep and happiness over your chipping paint exterior
And wonder if it all even matters

But why do I even care if it won't be used
The doorbell has never been rung to that place
That I have set up in my heart
You never checked to see if I was home

You maybe drove by casually on the street
Or tiptoed up the walkway to see if you could see the lights on
But you never once told me you needed me
Or wanted to be that close to visit the place I set up for you

Does it matter that I fixed the roof?
No more rain will seep through its cracks
And did you notice the new floor?
Now it doesn't make a sound when you walk on it

And I repainted the outside
So you would have something pretty to look at
So you could stand back and say
"Wow, this is my place that she built just for me"

The house has become so massive though
It has taken up so much more than I intended
You seep into so many aspects of my life that you don't need to
You are overwhelming me

So maybe one day, I'll just take a sledge hammer
And rip apart the mansion I built
Piece by piece, brick by brick
So you know that it meant something

It can break apart families,
Condemn you to hell,
Ruin your relationship
If you don't do it well

It can be seen as an evil
Or seen as a blessing
Depending on the situation at hand
The time could be pressing

It's a contact so strong
I have been told
It mends two minds
It bonds two souls

People obsess over it
Spend days, hours, minutes, thinking
They fantasize about it
The sheets a mess and the headboard clinking

But I don't see why I need it
When I don't need the result
This over sexualization is a movement
And I don't want to join the cult

It's not something I want
Not now, but maybe some day
Some time when I'm ready
For what could relay

Have you ever stopped to think
That you aren't just hurting yourself?
The clatter, the clink
Of the knife across your scalp.
Don't you understand, my dear?
You were never alone.
I have been standing right here,
Trying to be your foster home.
So don't cry, broken child,
Out of anger, fear, or spite.
I always loved your smile,
Please, lay down for the night.
Rest your head, close your eyes
For a long, dreamy slumber.
Expel a great sigh
I have tried to quiet the thunder.
But only you can quiet those thoughts
That ****** record player in your mind.
It must be forgotten
You are smart, intelligent, and kind.
And you are loved
By me and by more.
And that figure above
Loves you more than before.
So, please, quiet this battle
Silence the fight.
And with me, please cuddle
And rest for the night.

I can't bear to hear of what you felt and feel for her
That you didn't feel for me

You don't know how that feels
Until you are the one that is told

By seven different people
How the person you cared for

Loved someone else
That wasn't you

Or how you were still together
When they felt this way

You won't know how I felt
Until you are led on

You won't know that feeling
Until you experience it firsthand

But the only peace I have with it
Is that I am not mad at the girl you loved that isn't me

I do not blame her, for it is not her fault
It is yours for being the coward you always have been

Is sixteen and seventeen too young
To tell you that I want you to be my wife?
I guess my love was too strong for you
Because my emotions seemed to suffocate your life

Apparently I played too grand a part in your stressful days
A simple "I love you" here and there was too taxing?
My "How's your day?" was a strain to you, my dear?
However my love never weaned, it was constantly waxing

I'm sorry for caring for you the way I did
Could I just make it right again?
I adore you, my love, and it would make me overjoyed
Just to have the closeness of a friend

But here I lay, in a pool of my own tears
Seventeen, and way too young
To feel this hurt, so cruel and so curt
And they say my life has only begun?

I don't want to go over there
She is over there
That one that makes a draft
When she enters the room

Where do I sit if she sits on the couch?
Do I make small talk with her?
Do I even say hi?
Will she make a snarky comment at me?

I don't know why I don't like her
Probably because she doesn't like me
She gives me ***** looks
Whenever I say something she doesn't like

Sometimes I see the dark-haired ice queen melt
I see her change from a solid to a liquid
And drip off her exterior
I can see some warmth underneath

But just when I think it is springtime in her palace of snow
Punxsutawney Phil jumps out from his groundhog hole and says
"Six more weeks of winter!"
And we begin the cycle again

Who knows?
I could just be her cycle

We are together still, but
Like a disjointed door
We have a hinge hanging on
And one on the floor

I hate the chase, the drawn out chase
I can't make decisions
I can't hurt people, I physically can't
It hurts me too much
Don't put me in a complicated sitaution
I'm afraid I'll only run away
I am indecisive
I always question myself
Second guessing and ovethinking are my drugs
And I am the enabler
I let myself do it
Slipping into a fantasy, I lose sight of reality and I'm stuck
Stuck in limbo land with myself
Thinking things that aren't true
Things I wished were true
And all I need to get out is to let go
But the high is intoxicating
Blinding, even, so here I stay

Let's build a sandcastle
Like we are playful kids
Let us build up a mighty fort
Before the waves crash it in

Come, run through the waves with me
Let's go and fly a kite
There's something in the air today
That lingers through the night

It's the essence of summer
Even though it's far too early
I want to play alongside the beach
And be child-like and girly

Your eyes tell me you feel it too
And your smile tells me you enjoy it
So we float in the ocean for awhile
Basking in the peace of being buoyant

This is where I want to be
Alongside the ocean with you, alone
Even though there are other places I could be
This is my new home

There have been millions of souls before our own
And millions will fall behind
I'm risking so much, of all I have shown
Even to the best of us, love is blind

We are like a misshapen door
Creaking and wobbling unsteady
We have one hinge hanging on and one on the floor
I know now that I'll never be ready

Sobbing and choking on words I have said
The shaking of heads and deeds that are done
Then comes the silence that I so awfully dread
I am unsure now if you are the one

You spit fire at me, melting all that I see
The lines of scrimmage are dimmed and blurred
Who is right, you or me? There is no in between
With my heart wounded, I am deterred

Then we sit in the quiet unsolved
I cry for a bit, I don't care how I look
It doesn't matter, our fighting never resolves
The way I am left hurt and shook

Is real love supposed to make you wonder?
To make you question everything you thought you knew?
Because I'm drowning in the rocking waves and thunder
Rather than frolicking in the flowers I thought love grew


****** if I do, ****** if I don't with you my dear
Because no matter what I choose, I am at fault
It's either only having you for the rest of my years
Or choosing them and in my wounds pouring salt

So I try to soak in all the words that you've shared
I realize I'm growing up more than I admit
And I know that you have always dutifully cared
Then I looked at you with more insight and wit

You've loved and supported me all this time
Even when I was in someone else's arms
Even when I still had my own mountains to climb
And in the most when you knew I could have been harmed

I don't want to know who is wrong
I don't want to know who is right
I can feel a sense of where I belong
I know where I want to spend the night

Here I stand
Toes tap-tapping on the floor

Waiting for you to emerge
All dressed up, from your bedroom door

At the first glance I get, I catch my breath
You are more handsome than I remember

With your button up, black slacks, and fancy red tie
My heart starts to beat, racing and fevered

When you see me, you smile
And I return the feeling

You grab my hand, pulling me closer
And the sensation leaves me reeling

Thank you so much, my Valentine
For making this day great

Even though we have been together for a while
It felt like our first date

In a dreamy lullaby
I saw you for the first time in a while
Your eyes were different I suppose
And in the dim lighting, they did glow
Your hand brushed mine and you smiled lightly
But I was chilled by this contact slightly
I had emotions for you, sure I did
But I thought your feelings for me were all but rid
I let mine come through, I showed my heart
And you showed yours too, which is the unrealistic part
You said you still had a tingle deep inside
That when you saw me, your heart would fly
When I walked past you could not breathe
Which is exactly what you do to me
We tried, oh my, we tried and tried
To make time erase from tired minds
But in the end, it slipped far away, you see
Because nothing can be how it used to be
So you left me alone to reconcile
How to move on from your unpurposeful guile