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Jun 2023
I was headed for more of the same
The same ways of relating
Providing and caretaking
As if I had a little sign
Above my eyes saying
“Pick me!
I’ll give such little trouble
I’ll do it for free!
You can reap the rewards and
Throw the crumbs towards me
I’ll eat them up hungrily!”

Never stopping
Until I found myself propping
My body up at the doctors office
Her telling me more of the same
That I have one more piece to
Break off and give
If I wanted to live
Even it felt then
That I gave up on myself
Such a small *****
With such a big task
Like my bones may as well be paper
My skin may as well be glass

But I had this overwhelming need
To make it all cease
How do I stop the drumming
How do I stop the marching
The flitting of sand from
One chamber to the next
The ways in which life seemed
To keep happening to me
Instead of being an active participant
I guess I lost myself in it
Unconsciously accepting more of the same

More of the same feels numb
More of the same is a lukewarm bath
A bland meal
Filling but unsatisfying
Predictable and plain

Doing what is expected makes people happy
No one has questions
But with the unexpected,
There are suspicions
Superstitions
What happened when I shattered my own mirror
On purpose because I couldn’t stand
Other peoples reflections staring back at me?
Seven years of bad luck and the
Undeniable deep knowing
That I needed to start again
Or really, for the first time
Walking under a ladder was waking up
Spilling salt meant tossing the rule book
I was handed, over my left shoulder
Not lifting a glass to toast to my ex husband
Before my first sip
Let me finally enjoy myself before
Anyone else was able to
Now I know the flavor I possess
And refuse to be diluted
Good on my own
But even better when shared
Not shamed

No I could never
Let life pass me by
Subsisting on
More of the same
Careena
Written by
Careena
388
 
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