just let me
make myself sad
in peace.

i left a tear in the pacific
he sang gimme the beat boys
and i slipped out of my heels
imagined the ocean from atop a mountain
the waves had me swaying and weeping
and the salt found its way home
they hung lights over ocean avenue
these city streets and their poetry
have convinced me that home
was never anywhere else
i sat on the edge of the santa monica pier
and i knew
more than i have ever known anything
that i would be back.

the misty skyline at 11am was what did it
there were also the neon lights
flashing a few blocks uphill
the silhouettes of palm trees
and the smell of gasoline and churros
one couple behind me speaking russian
and a group in front speaking spanish
stepping on the stars
and capturing moments in the sky
those big block letters on the mountain
and also the rest of the mountains
the picturesque hanging lights
and dimly lit restaurants
the balconies and the bustling crowds
panhandlers with their money’s worth
and a nighttime energy to die for
but it was the misty skyline at 11am that did it
this truly is the city of angels
and i am among the stars

we all put eggshells in our mouths
and beg for company
while we change the world
big changes are made by small footsteps
they forget to tell you that
in the shoe store
we’d rather turn ourselves to stone
than turn to face the mirror
i am not nervous
but terrified
but i’ll embrace the machine
anyway

my mind weaving baskets
and my arms weaving hugs from the backseat
so many thank-you-for-loving-me's
all i could do was laugh and love you
(thank god i didn't call you like i wanted to)
you told me you wanted my happiness
where it belonged
with the others like me in the kitchen
i told you that you were wrong
i'd never leave you so solitary
oh don't you forget what i said in my stupor
in my public display of desire for affection
(what would i have said?)
you've seen me at my worst now
and even then all i can say is how
much i adore you and miss you
it must be my most passionate truth
(too much)

He told me I was his best friend
I’m sure it was just like on campus and I d him he was my best friend which is true like on campus and he’s so kind and sweet and I love him so much
He’s the Jake to my Amy
Kylie said he was Lindsay Lohan and I was his Aaron like right off the bat no question and we’re a pair
He makes me so happy
He wasn’t going to drive but he drove me nd didn’t drink because of that even though I told him we could switch and I felt bad because he had fun at mtsu but he told me it was okay and he kept saying it and I love and value him so much
He dealt with me drunk and he’s so cute
His face is so sparkly
I want to hold his hand
Imagine if I did
I sat beside him on the couch and we were close and pressed against each other and he eventually moved later to another chair and I know that it’s because he didn’t like it but omfg what if he just knows better bc he feels things
I know it’s not true but I’m writing my drink thoughts
I left my gum at Hannah’s house but it’s okay
I had approx 3 cups of wine and a cup of *****/7 up/cranberry juice and half a cup of *****/dr pepper
I love him. I just do. It’s a fact. I’m so fixing grateful that we’re friends.
I’m a *******
“You’re my best friend too, I don’t talk toanyone”
“Really?”
“Yeah”
“Ok ok say it again”
“I don’t talk to anyone”
“No the first thing”
“You’re my best friend”
“*** I love u I’m gonna give u a hug from back here thank you for driving everything and I love u and I’m gonna miss you -“
“I’ll miss you too”
“And just thank you”
That was the convo before he drove away and I went inside and I sent some messages to him and I’m sitting in my cozy room still tipsy and  thinking about him and that’s all

Even sober, I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. He may be it. I sat with him on the couch all night and I don’t remember a lot but I remember us laughing and me looking him in the eye and loving him unconditionally. I felt like we had been disconnected for a little while but I’ll really never stop loving him he’s the Jake to my Amy I’m definitely Amy and he’s definitely Jake and i hope one way we end up with each other sometimes I wonder what will happen after we graduate but I love him and try not to think about it but either way I love him and that’s all.

That’s really all. He’s home safe and I couldn’t be happier. What if he kissed me

What would that be like

I imagined it a lot tonight

I don’t remember much from tonight but I remember looking at him and just loving him. He’s everything to me. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I’m going to sleep watching Brooklyn 99 and the fact that he loves this show is so amazing. He’s perfect. I’m trying to stop typing but I can’t.

I bought his water tonight. Didn’t notice until later that he couldn’t drink because he was driving. He had a swig if ***** but didn’t feel anything. I told him I knew he would and he didn’t believe me but I knew he would. Maybe I really do know him.

I wonder if I’ll be hungover probably

Reminder to self look back at messages to Endia kaylinn as Jacob just to make sure you weren’t stupid

I love Endia I’m glad she knows that now and I’m glad she told me she loves me too and I told her that I was always surprised that she didn’t and that she defended it it makes me feel so good to know that she really does value me like that

I’m laying/lying down goodnight I love Jacob and Endia and kaylinn and Kylie and bell and Val and Kyle and Hannah and Evan and Maryellen and Mackenzie and Denee and Jenna and myself <3

My lips are still numb