I think most people are two dimensional,
and for the most part, exhausting.
There's a hole somewhere;
in my head? in my chest?
I can't, no matter how hard I try, fill it.
I can't stuff it full of god, or **** it away,
no accomplishment or achievement,
impulse purchase, fashionable consumption...
It's a void that not even light can escape.
It only ever goes away because you
might stop thinking about it sometimes,
but you'd feel it deeper than your bones,
on a cellular level. Boiling on the inside.
Everything is overshadowed by death
or futility. Everything is defeatable.
Easily defeatable.
I asked you if you feel it too.
You said nothing.

i am
the lion
under your bed

i am
the noise
waking the dead

i am
the boy
banging his head

i am
the trust
reduced to only rust

i am
the struggle
of going completely under

i am
the life
that broke in the night

i am
the monster
in your open closet

i am
the woman
screaming ****** ******

i am
the lie
that infected everything

i am
the secret
you hide from yourself

i am
the demons
swimming through your mind

i am
the honesty
that you left far behind

i am
the dust
on your recorded thoughts

i am
the allegiance
left trampled in the dirt

i am
the power
given to your pain and hurt

i am
the sadness
that defines your person

i am
the reality
that numbed your heart

There are some songs
That if you catch me listening to them
By myself in the middle of the night
That's when you know
That I feel like a waterfall inside
Even if on the outside
I seem stagnant

12-
I dated a boy because it made me feel prettier than the rest of the girls,
I didn't want to kiss him because I was afraid I wouldn't know how,
I was eventually pressured into it,

13-
I didn't feel worthy of flirting with boys because I wasn't pretty,
I didn't know how to make boys like me,

14-
I dated a boy because I was insecure,
I thought he could make it better,
I wouldn't make out with him because I didn't know how,
I didn't want to be judged on my ****** experience so I broke up with him,

15-
I still liked that boy,
I often hooked up with him and began getting more comfortable with him,
But I wouldn't go under the belt because I didn't know how,

16-
I finally felt much more comfortable,
I didn't like him anymore but he was patient and I enjoyed being with him,
I opened up to him sexually because I wasn't as afraid anymore,

17-
I lost everything to that boy,
The one on the football team,
I didn't think I was special but I didn't think it would hurt that bad, I then discovered what it's like to be with a man who cares,
I finally felt safe

I was very late doing many things because  I was afraid I could not please a man,
Because  I grew up believing that if you cannot please a man you don't deserve to be pleased yourself,
Because men dominate the earth,
Because men are the all powerful,
But I have yet to find a man who can please *me

I walk this empty road
I know not where I am going
And I forget from whence I came
And I am glad

I am glad for solitary emptiness
The radio is naught but static
I have music around, but I hate it
It makes me remember

These wonderful ruins
This beautiful decay
I relish my thoughts
Even I do not understand them

Sometimes I see another wanderer
I see the trail left behind
The art and the terror
And I pity

This end is just a beginning
This death is my life
For some, this is hell
But heaven is a state of mind