I do stupid things when I wake up at night

Like unblocking you on Facebook.

Now I have to wait 48 hours before I can hide again...
And 48 hours may not seem like much.
But it's actually a lot.

Especially considering the strings you used to pull in my heart.

All I need is a friend

Sometimes I will do it all.
The hard part.
I make plans
I put myself out there

And I cancel.

Because as trapped as I feel in this little room,
As horrible as I feel right now,
I am not ready to even look at the road less traveled.

I am not ready

And I will not take a leap

Not when I keep falling.

A year ago
You said I was your valentine
You didn't even say it in a cute way
But just the fact that you said something like that
Well
my heart flew

it's hard being the girl who grows up never loved
Never noticed
partially because I hid
Because I didn't want to be hurt

So, after your casual invitation
My heart ran to you
Defending every thoughtless comment

Starved
Craving what you could offer

Just someone who thought I was beautiful

Someone who really wanted to know me

I wonder how many girls fancied themselves your valentine that day
Just a side glance into your twinkling eyes
was enough to push me over the edge

I let myself think that those girls were chasing you
Never letting myself admit that you play emotions for fun
You like knowing you can make people love you
I think I knew that, even a year ago
Even as twitter-pated, I fell asleep, thinking about a man who was my valentine


One year later
Blocked you on facebook
blocked your number

Not that you ever tried to call

Just in case you ever care enough to look me up again

every day
another relationship status changes
another photo of a ring
another wedding invite arrives

And I'm alone

And it's fine.

who needs a valentine
when you can spontaneously buy a baby betta fish
Watch it swim circles in my otherwise empty heart

I am the most important thing
to a form of life

So.

I'm fine.

I cried leaving this all behind.  
I loved this hell that I'm now trapped in.

Then I left.
I left because it was the right thing to do
Because I knew
I would find myself along the way

And now...
Finally home.
Finally free to have my life back

And I really don't want it.

For just a second there
For one moment

I knew what it meant to be alive

Was it really worth knowing?
Now all is empty.
Nothing meaningful

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?
Because for once, I loved life
I loved each morning
Each hour
Every person I saw
I loved them

I was pretty happy before

I guess I wasn't.

But I thought I was.


And so I just sit here
Complaining to the internet
I'm lost
I'm confused
I'm like everybody else out there who has a blog

I pretend that I have some direction in this haze.

Here's a hint: That's a lie.

Instead I'm going to end this poem
And realize I still have no ideas
No direction
Not a clue what path I should take
To find happiness

And I'll just be another girl
sitting at her kitchen table
Broken

The strangest things bring you back to my mind
A song unrelated to us
An international paper logo
On my Orange Julius

I've let you go
I don't care anymore.

How do I stop remembering?

Clouds roll over my mind
The electricity in the air too much
I can feel the migraine coming on
And I just want clarity
I just want to be happy
I didn't know what I had

And now, it's all I want.
We were slow dancing in a burning room
and I didn't even know

You weren't real

I was just another challenge
Another way to prove your masculinity
To prove that you could make anyone fall for you

Are you happy now?
Are you proud?
Are my broken pieces enough to give you your next fix?

I can't even publish this poem under my real name

There are appearances to keep  up
People to be a role model for
And no one would want their daughter to end up like me.